That Wasn't My Intention": Decoding Relationship Triggers & Childhood Patterns | Dr. Timerman

Why do two people with genuine love and good intentions end up caught in the exact same destructive arguments? In this episode of Onion Soup, Dexter sits down with marriage and family therapist Dr. Patricia Timmerman, author of Why Are We Fighting?, to peel back the psychological and physiological layers of relationship conflict. Together, they explore why standard communication techniques often fail when our internal perception doesn't match our partner's external action—and how childhood conditioning dictates our present-day triggers. In this episode, we unpack: The IAP Model (Intention, Action, Perception): Why miscommunication happens in the invisible gap between what we mean and what another person experiences. Reframing "That Wasn't My Intention": How to move past defense mechanisms and address the actual impact of your actions. WACA (With Awareness Comes Action): Practical strategies for shifting out of automatic reactive patterns into conscious choice. Internal Recalibration: Using "instructive compliments" and cognitive balance to quiet negative self-talk and projection. Physiological De-escalation: Simple grounding techniques, code words, and diaphragmatic breathing to regulate the nervous system when panic or rage takes over. The Rule of Three Interpretations: A tool for instantly broadening your perspective when you default to assuming the worst. About Our Guest: Dr. Patricia Timmerman, PhD, LMHC, LMFT, is a licensed mental health counselor, marriage and family therapist, and the creator of Advocate to Create resources. She specializes in trauma desensitization, conflict resolution, and helping individuals and couples navigate grief, anxiety, and relationship dynamics. Episode Intro Script (Sound Design: Subtle, warm ambient soundscape fades up, then settles low beneath Dexter’s voice) Dexter: We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions. But we judge everyone else by their actions. Think about the last time you found yourself in a heated argument with someone you deeply care about. You meant well—or at least, you didn't mean to hurt them. But on their end, your words landed like a strike. The moment you say, "That wasn't my intention," the dialogue usually stalls out. You're defending your internal heart; they're reacting to their felt reality. Beneath every argument isn't just a dispute about who forgot to take out the trash or who misread a text. Beneath the argument is a web of childhood perception, self-preservation mechanisms, and a nervous system that has suddenly decided it's under attack. Today on Onion Soup, we are peeling back the architecture of conflict. My guest is Dr. Patricia Timmerman—a mental health counselor, marriage and family therapist, and author of Why Are We Fighting? Patricia brings a grounded, deeply practical lens to human connection. We break down her IAP model—Intention, Action, Perception—explore how to rewrite internal self-talk using instructive compliments, and dive into physiological circuit-breakers like the "Rule of Three Interpretations" and targeted de-escalation code words. If you’ve ever felt stuck in the loop of being misunderstood, this conversation is a map out of the noise. Let’s jump in.   Support the show: chakrawonders.com Support our guest: https://www.advocate2create.com/