The 105 Days That Changed Me: A NICU Mama's Story

What happens when the moment you’ve been waiting for—becoming a mother to your babies—looks nothing like you imagined? For NICU Awareness Month, I’m sharing one of the most vulnerable pieces of my motherhood story: the 105 days my identical twin daughters, Elaine and Lillian, spent in the NICU after being born at just 30 weeks. For a long time, I carried so much shame around their birth. I believed my body had failed them. I couldn’t keep them inside of me. I couldn’t hold them immediately after they were born. I struggled to produce breast milk. I had to leave the hospital without my babies. And while I was recovering from a C-section, navigating postpartum depression and trying to be there for my son at home, I was also learning how to mother two tiny babies through incubators, wires, monitors, feeding tubes and so much uncertainty. Then COVID hit. In this episode, I’m taking you inside the parts of our NICU story that still live in my body today—the fear, guilt, anger, financial stress, feeding struggles, G-tubes, moments I didn’t feel heard, and the unbearable feeling that no matter where I was, I wasn’t enough for all of my children. But I’m also sharing the people who gave us somewhere safe to land, the day we finally brought our girls home after 105 days, and what I understand now about the woman I was back then. Because I wasn't failing. I was surviving. And my body didn't fail my daughters. My body created them, carried them for 30 weeks and did everything it could to bring my two little two-pound miracles into this world. If you’re a NICU mama, I’m not here to tell you to “stay strong,” look on the bright side or remind you that your baby is a fighter. Sometimes you just need someone who understands enough to say, “Yeah, Mama. This fucking sucks. And you don't have to pretend it doesn't.” You can be grateful and devastated. Hopeful and terrified. Strong and completely exhausted. You can hold all of it. And you are still your baby’s mama through every single part of it. This episode is a place for you to land.  --- Let's stay connected!!! bio.site/therachelgossett