The Ache of Motherhood

When I was pregnant with Maya I would get so incredibly exhausted by the middle of the day. Taking care of a baby while you’re gestating another baby is some of the most physically exhausting work I’ve ever done. And so, I would always try to sleep with Alma during her nap. Even with the exhaustion, these are some of my most precious memories of my pregnancy with Maya. Spooning myself around Alma while Maya floated in the darkness of my womb. Feeling both of them so close to me. The closest to me they’ll both ever be. I would imagine that our three hearts were connected with an iridescent thread.Pulsing with life of our own, but connected. Separate beings, but with our interwoven destinies. Now Maya is on the outside of me and the thought that in just 2 months she’ll be a year old makes my head spin wondering where the time has gone. Earlier this week I was putting Alma down for her nap while holding Maya and I remembered those sweet moments of the three of us laying in bed, hearts connected and I started the visualization of our heart cords connecting again. Imagining our heart centers connected and resonating together. Feeling how we three came from the same blood, the same building blocks and how my energy is what feeds them. As they get older and gain more independence this inherent connection to me will wane on one level, but right now, as little they are, I am still what feeds them. My heart. My womb. My being. On a very physical level for Maya with my breastmilk being the main source of her calories. And on an energetic level for both of them. If my heart is closed, dull and held back then they will consume that energy. If my heart is open, juicy and full of love, then they will consume that energy. I still have the ache when I leave them for any amount of time. Even a few hours. I’m not sure if this ache really ever goes away, I think you just get more used it and learn to live with the fact that pieces of your heart will forever live outside of your body.If I don’t acknowledge the ache for what it is it will spin and turn into morbid stories about their certain demise due to my lack of presence. This ache, gone unacknowledged, will swirl and morph into the dreaded ‘mom guilt.’ But really it’s just the vast chasm of a mother’s love. The vacuum of unconditional love. Unconditional love holds all possible outcomes.A mother’s love holds all possible outcomes for our children.It is the most heart rending experience of all time and also the most heart expansive. It is all there is. And so, lately, when I am away from my girls I have been visualizing our heart cords connected through time and space, pulsating with the love I feel for them and trusting that they can feel it. I have been leaning into the gnawing ache and letting it break me and soothe me at the same time. “It is the wound where the light enters us,” Rumi said. It is in the cracks and tears where we get to know and feel God. There is nothing more like God than a mother’s love, I am sure of that. There are 3 ways to work with me right now: * 1:1 Journey | 6 months | 1:1 work with me, to go deep into your most resourced self and live from that place. This is the deepest option.* FED | 6 months | starting in July | a group container that will be a feast for the mind, body and soul. We will be exploring feeding and nourishing ourselves on all levels. This is a great medium depth option.* Embracing Your Selves Session | 1 hour | $111 | Work with me for one hour through the modality of voice dialogue and touch your Woman. This is meant for people who don’t want to go deep but would like a taste of my work. For more information on any of these offerings or to sign up/book, just send me a message on any of the channels. I’m open and available. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe