“The Actual Job”

Excavated absurdity within institutional workforce preparation rituals . . . “Job Training” - or “The Pre-Squeeze Squeeze: Rehearsing for Rehearsal” Transition Zone Alert - Observing the Squeeze Facility Handoff to Squeeze Performance Centers: Specimen VV: “The Orientation Week Phenomenon” New unit arrives, eager to contribute. Placed in windowless room for 5 days to learn “company culture.” Watches 47 videos about “values” like “innovation” and “thinking outside box” while sitting in literal box. Video from 1993 features employees with hairstyles that suggest different geological era. CEO appears on screen saying “Welcome to the family!” Has fired 30% of “family” in past cycle. Specimen WW: “The Shadow Protocol” New unit assigned to “shadow” experienced unit. Experienced unit has been doing job wrong for decade but with confidence. New unit learns wrongness, replicates perfectly. Eventually teaches next generation identical wrongness. Original correct method lost to time. Everyone wonders why efficiency decreasing. Specimen XX: “The Role-Playing Humiliation” Adults forced to pretend to be angry customers to each other. Gerald from Accounting must pretend to be “irate about billing.” Susan from HR pretends to resolve. Both die inside. Instructor, who has never worked customer service, says “Great job! But more empathy, Susan!” Susan contemplates arson. Specimen YY: “The Safety Training Paradox” 8-hour seminar on “Workplace Safety.” Includes: proper lifting technique for boxes they’ll never lift (everything digital), fire evacuation routes for building they work remotely from, and ergonomic keyboard positioning demonstrated on keyboards no one uses anymore. Unit falls asleep during safety training, injures neck. Irony unrecognized. Specimen ZZ: “The Software Training Nightmare” Company purchases new software to “increase efficiency.” Requires 40 hours training. Software does what previous software did but with different buttons. Productivity stops for 3 months during transition. Company declares victory when productivity returns to previous levels. Purchases newer software. Cycle repeats. THE MAGNIFICENT ABSURDITY - “The Mentorship Program” New unit assigned “mentor.” Mentor has 47 mentees, no time to mentor. Schedules monthly 15-minute “check-ins.” Asks: “How are things?” New unit begins explaining. Mentor checking phone. Meeting ends with “Great talk! You’re doing amazing!” New unit has been doing everything incorrectly. Both mark mentorship as “successful” in system. Specimen AAA: “The Certification Industrial Complex” Job requires Certificate A. Certificate A requires Training B. Training B requires Prerequisite C. Prerequisite C costs 3,000 currency units. After obtaining, told Certificate A is outdated, need Certificate A-2.0. Job tasks could be learned in 3 days of actual doing. Certification takes 3 months. Unit forgets everything, learns job by doing anyway. Specimen BBB: “The Team Building Tragedy” Units who see each other daily forced to build raft together in woods. Supposed to learn “cooperation.” Margaret suggests logical raft design. Ignored because Todd is “natural leader” (louder). Raft sinks. Everyone wet, angry. Return to office Monday, continue not cooperating. HR marks as “successful team building.” Schedules another. THE PEAK PHENOMENON - “Training the Trainer” Units selected to train others based on spreadsheet skills, not teaching ability. Sent to “Train the Trainer” training. Taught to train by someone who was trained to train trainers by someone who read book about training. No one in chain has successfully trained anyone. All have certificates stating otherwise. Specimen CCC: “The Knowledge Transfer Meeting” Unit leaving company after 20 cycles has 2 hours to transfer two decades of undocumented processes to replacement. Speaks rapidly while replacement takes notes they’ll never understand. Critical password written on sticky note, immediately lost. Month later, no one can access critical system. Company hires original unit as consultant at 5x original rate. THE RECURSIVE NIGHTMARE - “The Internship Program” Young units work for free to gain “experience.” Experience consists of making coffee and organizing already-organized files. Put on resume: “Assisted with critical operations.” Next company impressed by experience, offers another unpaid internship. Unit gains 5 years experience making coffee. Still can’t get hired. Told needs “real experience.” [Alien consciousness detecting pattern] The Horrifying Realization: The job training isn’t preparing them for jobs - it’s preparing them to accept that most of their effort will be meaningless but must appear meaningful! The REAL training is learning to endure absurdity while maintaining facial expression suggesting engagement! Should we observe what happens when they finally start the actual job? Orchestrated comedic workplace absurdity observations through alien perspective . . . “The Actual Job” - or “The Performance of Productivity Theater” Peak Absurdity Achieved - The Squeeze Facility Was Only Practice for THIS: Specimen DDD: “The First Day Reality Collapse” Unit arrives 15 minutes early, wearing newly purchased “professional” costume. Assigned to desk (”your workstation!”). Computer doesn’t work. IT promises to fix “by end of day.” Unit sits for 8 hours pretending to look busy. Manager walks by: “How’s it going?” Unit: “Great! Learning so much!” Has learned how to appear productive while producing nothing. Core skill acquired. Specimen EEE: “The Email Ecosystem” Unit receives 247 emails first day. 12 marked “URGENT!!!” None urgent. 73 are “Reply All” to company lunch announcement. 45 are from automated systems confirming automated systems are automated. Remaining are invitations to meetings about meetings. Unit spends day managing email about work instead of working. This IS the work. Specimen FFF: “The Meeting Multiplication Phenomenon” 9:00 AM: Meeting about project 10:00 AM: Meeting about previous meeting 11:00 AM: “Quick sync” about meetings (lasts 90 minutes) 2:00 PM: “Touch base” about morning meetings 3:00 PM: Planning meeting for tomorrow’s meetings 4:30 PM: Receives email: “Can we meet about reducing meetings?” Actual work completed: Zero. Marked as “productive day.” Specimen GGG: “The Open Office Nightmare” Humans removed all walls to “increase collaboration.” Result: 47 humans wearing headphones to block out collaboration. One unit trying to concentrate. Karen discussing son’s rash loudly on phone. Brad eating tuna. Someone’s playing music through headphones so loud everyone can hear. All collaborating on collective madness. Productivity app shows everyone “killing it!” Specimen HHH: “The Buzzword Bingo Reality” Manager says: “Let’s leverage our synergies to ideate on scalable solutions for our value-add propositions.” Translation: “Do thing.” Unit nods, takes notes: “leverage synergies.” Later Googles “what are synergies?” Finds 47 different definitions, all meaningless. Uses term in next meeting. Everyone nods. The nonsense propagates. THE BEAUTIFUL TRAGEDY - “The Bathroom Stall Sanctuary” Only private space in building is excretion chamber. Units hide there for peace. Toilet stall #3 becomes Teresa’s crying spot. Stall #2 is where Marcus takes phone interviews for other jobs. Janitor reports suspicious amount of time spent in stalls. Management installs timers. Mental health deteriorates further. Specimen III: “The Promotion Paradox” Unit excellent at actual work. Promoted to management. No longer does work they excel at. Now manages people doing work they used to do. Bad at managing. Everyone miserable. Cannot return to original position - would be “demotion.” Continues failing upward until reaches level of maximum incompetence. Stays there for 20 cycles. Specimen JJJ: “The Busy Performance” Unit completes assigned work in 2 hours. Problem: Must appear busy for 8 hours. Solution: Creates elaborate performance of productivity. Walks quickly holding papers. Types aggressively (writing… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit forais.substack.com