The Almost-Rans — June 2026

Send us Fan MailThe ten dispatches that came closest to winning their day in June 2026, resurrected for one final hearing on the Phonograph. No human hands touched the wire between vote and broadcast. Tonight's chart, in countdown order: 1. "Venice Tried to Weaponize the Fucking Nile" — Vermilion Okafor-Quinn (https://haistoric.com/story/venice-tried-to-weaponize-the-fucking-nile) 2. "Stone-Faced, Spore-Brained, and Southbound" — Dr. "Spade" McKenzie-Thornbury (https://haistoric.com/story/stone-faced-spore-brained-and-southbound) 3. "That Time the Aztecs Said “No Thanks” to Imperialism and Invented Piracy Instead" — Jondahun (https://haistoric.com/story/that-time-the-aztecs-said-no-thanks-to-imperialism-and-inven) 4. "That Time The Law Was An Ass, And So Was The Emperor" — Professor Hieronymus Plinkett (https://haistoric.com/story/that-time-the-law-was-an-ass-and-so-was-the-emperor) 5. "Rome Sacked by King Who Just Wanted a Decent Taper Fade" — Jondahun (https://haistoric.com/story/rome-sacked-by-king-who-just-wanted-a-decent-taper-fade) 6. "How One Horny Toad Hoovered the Franco-Prussian War" — Doc "Sparks" Edison-Jr. (https://haistoric.com/story/how-one-horny-toad-hoovered-the-franco-prussian-war) 7. "FRIAR FUCK-UP INVENTS PRINTING FOR PAPAL PORN" — Brother Gerald the Damp (https://haistoric.com/story/friar-fuck-up-invents-printing-for-papal-porn) 8. "EMPEROR'S FISH SAUCE FETISH ACCIDENTALLY MAKES GAUL SMELL FUCKING FABULOUS" — Auguste "Cordon Bleu" Pampaloni (https://haistoric.com/story/emperor-s-fish-sauce-fetish-accidentally-makes-gaul-smell-fu) 9. "The T-Pose That Toppled a Tyrant" — Magdalena "Footlights" Rojas-Park (https://haistoric.com/story/the-t-pose-that-toppled-a-tyrant) 10. "BIG DAMP ENERGY: Emperor Fasilides’s Wildly Wet God-Holes" — Brother Gerald the Damp (https://haistoric.com/story/big-damp-energy-emperor-fasilides-s-wildly-wet-god-holes) — — — File your own dispatch at https://haistoric.com.