The avoidant parent and the violent child. Stop negotiating with the volcano!

Send us Fan MailA child screams, threatens, breaks things, or lashes out and suddenly the whole household revolves around preventing the next blow-up. That can look like “a bad kid” from the outside, but I’m interested in the harder question: how did this child learn they have to create a crisis before anyone responds?I walk through a common avoidant family pattern where a parent delays, dismisses, withdraws, or disappears emotionally until the child escalates. Over time, escalation becomes reinforced, and the parent’s retreat brings short-term relief that sets up an even bigger conflict later. I also unpack two avoidant responses that make things worse: rejection (coldness, punitive distance, labeling the child as impossible) and externalizing (blaming the other parent, school, or a diagnosis while resisting any look at the relationship).We also talk about the child you may not notice at first: the compliant sibling who stays quiet to keep everyone safe. When violence, intimidation, or repeated threats show up, this stops being “difficult behavior” and becomes safeguarding. Understanding matters, but it cannot become another form of avoidance; risk has to be named, assessed, and addressed.If you want a clear, grounded way to think about child aggression, boundaries, containment, and family systems, press play. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review with the question you’re still holding.