Hey, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from earlier years of the podcast. This week we're introducing a new series of Risk episodes called Funny Stuff, Nothing But Laughs in these compilations of classic stories from Risk. On the lighter side, this week we're revisiting a story by one of everyone's favorite recurring Risk storytellers, the one and only T.S.
madison of RuPaul's Drag Race fame. That's a story called the eulogy, but before that, 80 miles from the cult classic Wet Hot American Summer, he told this one at one of the very first Risk live shows in New York. All the Way 2009. It's a story we call the Deuce.
My story starts with a girl. In the early 90s. My first job in New York City was working at the video company Bunz of Steel made exercise programs. And I didn't exercise, I didn't make the videos.
I tracked the orders of the videos. They were shipped around the country. And one of the girls I worked with was a salesperson named Dana. And Dana and I like a lot of young 20 somethings that have jobs, flirt a lot, and work.
And we. I thought there was something going on there, and I had a little bit of a crush on her. And so one day I asked her if she wanted to get together over the weekend. And she said, sure, why don't we get together on Sunday and go to the park and hang out?
And I said, that sounds like a great idea. Kind of, you know, a high pressure type situation. We get to know each other, maybe we'll make out at some point. So Saturday night I go out with my friends, as I did for about the first six years I was in New York City.
And I got wasted. And Sunday morning rolls around and I am super hungover. Like, crazy hungover. My stomach feels like there's a battle going on inside it and something horrible is gonna happen at some point.
But I have a date with Dana, so I'm gonna go for it anyway. So I go here in the park. It's a hot summer day in the middle of Central park and I'm wearing a T shirt and some cut off Duckhead Captain shorts. And we go to Sheep's Meadow and we spread out a blanket and we're laying in the sun and we're talking.
She's got sunglasses on. She's telling me a story. And as I'm listening to the story, my stomach starts to gurgle, noises start to happen, I start to feel like an event is about to take place. And I guess this is a pretty blindsided part of my story happens.
So I went to poot and instead of just pooting, I released a floodgate of diarrhea in my shorts. And I'm not talking about just a little bit, I'm not talking about a little accident. I'm talking about quarts of diarrhea filled my. And I'm laying on the ground next to this girl that I have a crush on and she's telling a story and I'm sitting there and I'm going, all right, this has happened.
This is the reality. On the ground. I'm a 25 year old man and I'm laying next to this lady and I've got a pants full of shit and I have to deal with this situation. And she's talking this entire time, which makes me think, well, she doesn't know what's happened so I could possibly get out of this situation.
And so I reach down and I grab my shorts and I gather them up against my legs, forming sort of like a seal. And when I feel like I'm. I've got a good enough seal, I go for it. And I say, dana, I'm gonna go take a leak in the bathroom.
And she's met her and she's like, great, I'll see you in a minute. And I stand up and I back away from Dana, holding my pants against my legs and containing most of the evidence, not all of it. There's some runaway straight down the leg. Sorry, this is what happened, guys, I'm not gonna spare you the details.
And I go towards the bathroom and I'm thinking, oh my God, I cannot believe this has happened. I hope I don't see anyone. I know. I just want this problem to go away.
I just wanna deal with it. So I go to the bathroom and it's a weekend day in Central park. And there's a huge long line, right? So I start to cut and I'm like, you know, it's like kind of emergency here.
And so sure enough, some guy's like, hey guys, there's a line over here. And like, I don't wanna tell everybody I've got shit in. So I go get in line. And I'm standing there and I'm holding my hands and it's just a horrible situation.
And I look back, there's this boy, little boy behind me. And I look at him and he looks at me and he looks down and has trickled diarrhea going down. My leg is going into my sneaker. And I look at him and he looks at me, and there's like a little moment there.
I'm like, come on, bro, be cool. Don't say anything. And I think he was scared, so he didn't say anything. And so finally it's my turn.
I go into the bathroom, and I go into the bathroom stall, and the door won't stay shut. It keeps swinging open. So I have to use one hand to hold the door shut. I spread my legs and put my shorts down, forming tiny, like a little basket and a miracle.
There's toilet paper in the bathroom, which I couldn't believe. This is interesting. Very true. Every detail story is true.
On the ground is about an inch of pee and water. And for some reason, someone has taken a shit next to toilet. And so that's going on on the ground. I've got this situation with my pants.
I don't want my pants getting down on the ground and getting someone else's shit on it. So I have to form this, like, a little basket. I start cleaning up as best I can. I'm kind of laughing at this point.
I can't believe what's going on. I get most of it taken care of, you know, I'm just, like, throwing everything into the commode. And I'm starting to get kind of, you know, like. I'm like, I might get out of the situation alive.
Just about that time. Cops rape bathroom. There's been some sort of stinging operation where they've arrested a bunch of pot dealers in Central Park. And so they rush into the bathroom and they start screaming, everybody up.
Everybody in the bathroom, out. All civilians are in the bathroom. And they're, like, throwing up criminals against the wall and frisking them and screaming everything. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere.
I still have a major mess to clean up. So I get as much of a cleanup as I possibly can. I pull my shorts up to my nipples, and I untuck my T shirt down so it hangs down below the stain in the back of my pants. And it looks like I'm wearing a dress, but you can't see the big diarrhea stain in my breeches anymore.
And so when I've got myself pretty much together, I walk out. The cops completely flip out. There's criminals everywhere. Get out of here.
Get the fuck out of here. What are you doing? What are you arrested? I was like, now I'm down.
Go back to my date. So I go back to Dana, and I say, dana, I. I'm not feeling too good. I was like, I think I need to go home.
She's like, oh, I'm sorry. Sure, let's go. And so she's like. And I was like, I'm just going to take the subway.
She goes, I'll come with you. I'm like, God damn it. And so we walked across the park to the subway. I'm wearing this T shirt dress.
I know I smell like diarrhea. And Dana isn't saying anything. She's not letting on that she knows anything. Something like, all right, well, let's just keep going with it.
Get on the subway, you know, it stinks. Kind of covering up my odor, I guess. And so we ride a few stops. We get off to 23rd Street.
She goes to her apartment. I go back to my apartment. I take off the clothes. I take a shower.
I put the clothes in a bag. I burn them. I'm home free. I can't fucking believe that I got out of that situation.
About an hour later, phone rings. It's Dana. Dana's like, hey, Miles, how you feeling? And I'm like, so much better.
So much better. And she's like, well, do you want to come over for dinner? I'm making pasta. And I'm like, she definitely doesn't know.
She wouldn't be inviting me over for dinner if she knew that I'd shit in my pants on our date. So I'm like, yeah, I definitely want to come over for dinner. So I go over to her house, and she lives with a roommate. Roommate's not there.
She shows me around her apartment. She shows me a little bar area. She shows me her couch. She shows me her bedroom.
We sit there for a little while and look at some pictures. She shows me around, and then she starts making the pasta in the kitchen. And we're yelling across the apartment back and forth, you know, talking about what's going on. Finally, she's just like, miles, this is ridiculous.
So stop yelling across the apartment. Come in here and talk to me. I'll finish dinner. I was like, okay.
So I get up, and I'm walking towards the kitchen. And as I walk, I reach back and scratch my butt. And I pull back a handful of shit. And my mind melts.
I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Am I shitting through my pants now? And I don't even know that I'm doing it. What is happening?
And I look around her apartment. And everywhere that I've sat in the last hour is a big shit stain. There's a shit stain on her couch. There's a shit stain on her fucking bed.
There's. On the Barsville. There's shit everywhere. And I'm just sitting there with shit in my hand, and I'm just like.
I'm kind of about ready to start crying. He's like, dude, what's happening? And Dana comes in and she looks at me and she gets this really angry look on her face. And I'm like, I don't know what's going on, Dana.
There's all up here apartment. And she sits there for a second. She goes, God damn it. She goes, my roommate's cat shit on the sofa.
And you said it. And she gets super apologetic. I'd sat and catch it. I'd never been so relieved to sit and catch it.
I was over the fucking moon about the fact I just sat to catch it. I was so excited that I literally started laughing and smiling. I was like, that's okay. So she's secretly going like, this is a weird reaction.
You just said, can't you. I was happy about it. And she's like, I'm so sorry. Let me give you some shorts.
I'm wash your clothes. And so she gives me some roommate shorts. I put them on, and she's like, we have dinner and she takes them, she washes them. She comes back for dry and everything.
And she's like, again, Miles, I am so sorry that happened. I'm so embarrassed. I'm like, dana, please, it is fine. Don't worry about it.
She had no idea that two and a half hours, three hours earlier, I had been a foot and a half away from her with shorts full of diarrhea. So I guess the code of the story is that I never fessed up. And I moved on to another job. We kind of lost touch.
We would kind of call each other every once in a while. And about a year and a half, two years later, we were on the phone and I was like, well, Dina, I was like, remember that day we went to Central park and I had to go home? Did it feel good? She was like, yeah.
She said she had systemic thing or something. She didn't feel good. I was like, yeah. I was like, did you know that I shed my pants and filled them full of diarrhea that day?
And all I heard was like, the phone just go drop on the ground. And then about three seconds later, her picking it up, just like crying, laughing, she had no idea the entire time. So I guess I was blindsided, but I got away with it. Thank you.
I probably went off and ate something I wasn't supposed to. And as I'm walking to the press room, I got a fast little gas here. So I'm walking by myself. Only a little something actually came out.
You pooped in your pants? I pooped my pants. Not horribly, but enough that I was panicking. So I got to the rest of the press room, threw out the underwear, you know, and just went commando.
And what did that tell you? It told me that I gotta be very vigilant as to what I eat. Thank you, Kevin, for that marvelous introduction. I'm not fucking you later anyway.
Piece. Okay? Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I want to come tell you a story about something that happened to me in my life very, very long. Well, not that long ago, because then y' all figure out my age, but it's very long ago.
I. For a living, I've done a lot of stuff, okay? And a lot of things that I may not be proud of, but, bitch, it bought me a big, giant house out in Konia's, Bitch, it bought me two Mercedes Benz, bitch. So it did its job, right?
Okay? Now, when I go through life, what I like to tell people to do is be yourself. That's one of my taglines. You see it right on that shirt right there?
Be yourself, bitch. That's one of my taglines. And I try to encourage people to be themselves so much, because strange things can happen in your life and even after you die. I was about 20 years old, and a friend of mine died that I went to school with.
You know the story? Don't you know the story? Friend of mine died. He wasn't a friend of mine.
He was a friend of the ladies, you know, at the school, you know? And all the ladies talk about how handsome and fine and sexy and delicious and all this type of stuff. He wasn't he just up in Paris, you know? He was up in Paris.
You're like, well, how he died, you know, I wanted to stay on top of me, but, you know. But that wasn't the case, you know? And I live in the South. I'm from the South.
So being from the south, you know, we are Bible people, right? The Bible Belt down there. And it's just so crazy how we have the Bible Belt and I end up having tits and a dick. Ain't that something?
I always knew that Christian kids, people of the cloth children, always end up sucking dick. The girls and the boys. So, ladies and gentlemen, the gentleman died. And when he died, everybody's running around trying to figure out how.
Like, what happened? What happened to him. So being a McQueen, y' all know what queen is, right? Okay, well, you definitely know what queen is.
Being a queen, huh? You know, we nosy. We nosy bitches. So a girlfriend of mine and I myself load up in the car.
Honey, you know, it's funeral Saturday. You can't keep black people out long. Too long, honey. You know what I'm saying?
You can't keep them out too long, child. Cause the family will be fighting over the money. But anyway, we load up in the car, and we went to his services. So we sitting here in the back of the church, and we watching everybody come in.
The cast is sitting up there all pretty and white. The big spray is sitting up there. And, you know, the mom on the front row, the girlfriend on this row. Honey, the kids is crying.
Everybody else just crying and crying. It was a real sad occasion. And I'm still trying to figure out how he died. You know what I'm saying?
Like, I'm sitting there like, how he died. Now, me and him are about the same age. I was waiting my time next, you know? But anyway, so we're sitting back here, and everybody's just chilling and just trying to figure out how he died.
You know, that's just the big thing. How did this man die? So all of a sudden, the doors of the church just blew open. Poof.
We looked back, and it was. The first thing I saw was hair. You see how this hair sitting up here on top of my head? The first thing I saw was hair sitting up to the ceiling, coming in through the door like this from the side.
And when the hair came in, you didn't really get a chance to see the person. You just saw them holding himself like this. And it was very much so. He took out of this world.
I was like, what? You know, he took a good dick out of this one. I said, what? And she just kept coming from the back hair to the side, like, this was the stage performer.
So I nursed my friend. Like, girl, honey, you sit to the edge. Is this how first to go, Honey, they calling us out? So it just got louder and louder as she proceeded up to the goddamn gadget.
He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world. And I said, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait. Did this just say what I think she said? And then Honey, you know, I guess I was not the only one that could really understand what was coming out. So I guess the show was shenanigans just continue.
He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world. He took a. He took a.
He took a good dick out of this world. So I'm like, oh, God. He took a good dick out of this world. Oh, my God.
Like, out of all the dicks that I've ever had in my life, why couldn't I have that one before he went on the door, you know? And then. Listen, y', all, now listen. This is some true motherfucking tea, I'm telling y'.
All. This is some true tea. This bitch was ugly as fuck. This bitch was so ugly.
I know y' all seen the movie Holiday Heart, right? Y' all seen that? Holiday Heart with ding rings? It's up in drag.
Bitch up in drag looking like two men and a baby with this wig sitting on top of her head, screaming and crying. I see. Mind you, this boy never touched any of the queens of the local neighbor. Never.
Never touched him. Feel like we were disgusting. Used to talk all kinds of shit to awesome dudes. All y' all dudes, all y' all over there's dudes.
I see y' all in the club. All y' all is dudes. So of course I want to go to your motherfucking funeral. You died, Earth bitch.
The dude's still alive. But the gag of the matter, once we found out that you were really a dude when you were alive, okay, because this was a man. This wasn't like. It wasn't beautiful queen like myself.
This was a man like a man. Man like a hard steel man with a fuqua. A wig or something on the head, laying all down on the side of the catch. He took a good dick out of this world.
He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick. He took a. He took a.
He took a. He took. He took a good dick out of this world. So I'm sitting there like, bitch, is that dick really that good?
You would come all the way from wherever the you came from and break this girl up like that. How could you break a funeral up like that? So the baby stopped crying, the wife stopped crying, the mama stopped crying. Everybody is looking like, what the is going on?
And this queen was really putting on a stage performance, bitch, Y' all hear me? But then he took a good dick. So I'm sitting there like, where's it gonna end? And she stood right up there to the front of everybody.
He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world. He took a, he took a, he took, he, he, he, he, he, he took a good dick out of this world. Rolled and went back and forth in front of the casket.
I wanted to leave, I wanted to leave. No idea bit I lied. I want to see what the is going to happen, bitch. So the pastor is standing now.
You know this is Southern Baptist Church, bitch. This is Church of God in Christ type of church, y'. All. Y' all already know the church of God and Christ don't play none of that homosexual stuff.
This queen came in there and turned the party bitch. You hear me? So my advice to men and women and down low men is please live your authentic truth. Live your authentic truth and mind how you treat people in this life because you never know who may come to your funeral and turn that bitch out.
I'm trying to tell you, cuz. See, I learned something from that that day. I'mma go up his funeral up. He took a good dick.
He took a good dick. He took a good dick out of this. Thank y' all so much. Well, that is all of this Funny Stuff edition of Risk.
Now there are hundreds of funny stories peppered into regular Risk episodes all the time. And if you go to risk show.com specialseries, you'll find other series like the Best of Risk or our All Star episodes or our Scary Stories episodes. Wherever you get your podcasts or at risk-show.com folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world.
He took a good dick out of this world. He took a, he took a, he took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick out of this world.
He took a good dick out of this world. He took a good dick. He took a, he took a, he took a, he took a, he took a. He took, he took, he took, he took a good dick out of this world.
That dick is really that good.