The Best of Queer Lives #1

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Simples, huh? Risk. Hey, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from the earlier years of the podcast.

Well, it's almost the very end of Pride Month 2023 when we're releasing this episode. So just in the next time we have this wonderful compilation, we're calling Queer Lives One. With all of the hate that's spreading against LGBTQ folks nowadays, we figure it's more important than ever for folks to hear our voices. In these Queer Lives and Trans Lives episodes.

So today, three stories and something new, a poem, all having a gay old time. In a little bit, we're going to hear from Tyler Green. I'll say more about that in the end. But before that, Elizabeth McCain with her story, A Lesbian Bell Tells All.

And before that, the absolutely fabulous poet Chen Chen with his poem, A Queer Translates Himself. But we're going to start off with John Flynn with a story we call The Great Escape. My story first started while I was still living in New York and I've been living in New York for like seven years at that point. And I was sort of at that point with New York where I was like, you know what, New York, you can go fuck yourself.

You know, you don't need me, I don't need you, maybe it's time for us to break up. At the time, I had been asked to come down to Key West to perform a one-man show I was doing at the Key West Summer Theatre Festival. So I was like, oh, this is maybe perfect timing. Like, I'll go down to Key West while date it for two weeks.

See if maybe I want to move here as you probably know Key West has a reputation of being sort of like a gay mecca. I am a boy kisser in case you haven't figured that out yet. I know I dressed like someone who thinks Dave Matthews is a really interesting band. But I joke on you because I don't know any Dave Matthews songs because I've never tried to date rape a girl.

It is a soundtrack to college date rape. Anyway, so I was like excited to go down to Key West and be like, oh, this little gay place, maybe that's where I want to go. So my life, and it is a very sort of gay friendly mecca, but it's also like right on top of a very redneck, you know, like, hick-hick-hick-hicksters, is that a thing? I don't know, like, so like, I remember like when I first got there, like on one side of the street, there was a bar that advertised like the Mistran USA pageant every night.

And then on the other side was another bar where it was like some fat bald guy in like a trucker hat playing a guitar singing a song called that I assume was called, that's why I smeared that queer. And I got like everyone in the bar to sing along, so I was like, I'm going to sing on this side of the street. I was singing like I took a red eye down and I got the very early morning, I checked in my hotel, and then I went to the diner that was sort of like attached to the hotel. And it was completely deserted, it was just me and the waitress.

And the waitress was sort of like Elaine Striches' more jaded sister. Like, she was, she was, she had that look where I was like, she could be 27 or 55. Like, I don't know, somewhere in there, she just had like a very worn face, very like road hard and put away wet. And I don't know what she's, she's not taking care of herself, that's all I know.

So, you know, like I ordered my breakfast from her and I already know a French toast and coffee, and she goes, what do you want your coffee? And I'm like, I don't know, just milk and sugar is fine. And she sort of like puts her hands on her hips, she goes, what do you really want your coffee? And I go, what are you talking about?

And she goes, all right, look, you just got here, so let me explain something to you. Key West is really a drinking town that has a tourist problem. So what do you want your coffee? And I was like, I guess I reached it up for me?

So she does. And then because I'm the only person there, she decides why not just sit down with me while I'm having my breakfast and keep me company. But I was, you know, jet lagged and whatever, so I was like, are you from Key West? Her eyes take on this sort of like glazed, far off look.

And she goes, nope, moved here when I was 18. And I didn't read the signs and I didn't leave when I should have. That's the thing about Key West. If you don't leave when it's time, you get stuck here forever.

And I was like, holy shit. But no, one of you guys aren't fucking alcoholics. Thank God. So I finished breakfast and I say goodbye to her.

And now that afternoon I didn't have anything to do, but a friend of mine who lived in New York just coincidentally was staying in Key West at the time at a clothing optional resort for gentlemen only. And he invited me to come visit him there. And I had never been to such a place, but I was like, well, this should be fun. And it was very weird.

I don't know if any of you have ever been to a place like this. But he had to meet me in the lobby. I had to show two forms of ID and I had to sign all these non-disclosure contracts. They led me through a metal detector and then they took me through all these maze hallways that had locks and punch card things you have to get through.

Finally I get to this one door and I was putting in the little code. My friend goes, are you ready? And they open up the door and it's like this huge courtyard. It's outside and there's this huge swimming pool and there's like 10 foot tall gates all around it.

And they're super tall trees so no one could possibly look down. There's this pool and all these deck chairs and just dozens of naked men. As far as the eye can see. And it was literally like that moment in Willy Wonka when he's like, boys and girls, the chocolate room.

And like those kids, I'm just like, oh, it's so beautiful. I can't even move. And then my friend behind me, he's not singing pure imagination, but he might as well be. He just goes, welcome to Key West.

And then I'm like, ooh, and I go jumping and leaping out into the courtyard, sampling all the delicious man candy that is there. And so I find this one guy and he and I start talking and our conversation gets very heated. And so I was like, oh, we should go back to your room. And he goes, well, I actually don't have a room here.

So we have to go back to your room. And I was like, well, I actually am not staying at the hotel. But I'm staying at a hotel a few bucks away if you want to go there. And he's like, perfect.

So we go back to my hotel room and we continue our conversation. It's all fine and normal, except his penis does his thing where it leans very much to one side. Which in and of itself is not that uncommon for those of you who have one or maybe have encountered one. But what was specific about his was it leaned to one side, but then it straightened itself out at the end.

So I felt like I was jerking off the lead pipe from Clue. So we go about that business and we finish up. And I like go into my bathroom and just like wash my hands real quick. And I'm in there like not like a minute, maybe two.

And I come out and he's already like been dressed and is out the door. And I was like, how rude. But then I was like, I didn't have anything more to say to him really at this point. Anyway, it's so good Britain's.

So then that night I go to the place where I'm going to be performing. And I will be performing in the crystal room at the Ladidah Palace. Because it's Key West. And the Ladidah Palace is right in the heart of town.

It's a sort of like restaurant that has an upstairs cabaret space. Now on one side of the Ladidah Palace is a old school chicken farm. Like this plot of land where people it's like gated and like fenced in. And they're just chickens running around and like chicken coops out.

These people just raise chickens. And then on the other side of it is an old mansion that has been converted into basically a whore house. There's just like a wrap around porch and all these women standing there fanning themselves and a guy like on the sidewalk who keeps me like this girl. So you got girls, what kind of girls?

We got all kind of girls here. And I'm like, not today. And so I go to the crystal room with the Ladidah Palace and the crystal room is upstairs. Now normally what happens is there's two local drag queens who normally just trade off nights.

And so for the next two weeks, I'm just inserted into the schedule. So it's like drag queen A, drag queen B, this guy. Then back to drag queen A, drag queen B and me. And so that's how it's going to be that rotation for the next two weeks.

And so I meet these two guys and they're like the perfect match set of drag queens. There's like the slightly older one who's like a little more jaded, you know, a little, you know, been there done that. And then there's like the younger one who's like more like wide eyed and just like life is beautiful. And like, you know, like the older, like the jaded one, like he's got the funnier one liners, but like the younger one like looks cuter in his outfit.

So it also works out. And then whatever happens like regardless of which one of us is performing, all three of us end up just hanging out of the bar because we get the staff discount. And because the Ladidah Palace is sort of an indoor outdoor place, it's not air conditioned and it's summer in Key West, so it's really fucking hot. So they just give us fans.

So we just sit at the bar every night drinking like passion fruit cosmos and fanning ourselves. And it's really seductive to live your life like that. I was like, Key West has really given me the hard sell. And you know, going down there was nervous because I'm like, I'm not famous.

People don't know who I am. I'm going to be doing the show. And it was a show that I talked about doing a musical with Betty Buckley, Debbie Gibson. I was like, people aren't going to know who they are.

This is going to be ridiculous. I don't know if anyone is going to show up. But it turns out whoever did the PR for this event was like, great at it. So I was like, packed every night.

And I was just loving the show. And I was just getting drunk with drag queens all the time. And I was like, this is amazing. I love this.

I think I could move to Key West. I could totally see myself building a life here. Maybe even do drag. No.

Too big. And so anyway, I was like, at the end of the two weeks, I'm having a great time. I was going for my last show. And I get to the venue.

The people who run it were just like, oh my god, we're so sorry. We made a mistake. We totally forgot. We double booked the space.

There's going to be a wedding going on tonight. And I was like, OK. So the show's canceled. They're like, no, no, no, no.

You're sold out. So we're still going to have the wedding. And we're still going to have your show. But we're just going to put a wall up in between in the middle.

So you'll be here, and then the wedding will be there. And I was like, are you sure? I mean, this is someone's wedding. They're like, nope, this is what we're doing.

I was like, OK. And it was not even like a wall that went up. It was like a cubicle wall. So I'm over here being like, so there'll be a guy that's kind of weird.

And there are people over at a wedding who are like, every somebody just like, what the fuck is going on over there? And I can't blame them. Who wants a one-man show competing with your wedding? Nobody.

Anyway, so I'm sort of disappointed that this is how it ends, is how I'm going out. And so I finished the show. I sort of rushed through it. And I go back to the dressing room.

And the two drag queens are there waiting for me. I'm like, oh my god, we heard what happened. We were so sorry, we rushed over. But we've got two surprises for you.

We got two presents for you. You're excited? I was like, sure. So one of them takes out this really long, thin joint.

It was like a pin, but it was super long. So it was like a Virginia slam of joints. And it was like really nice Florida weed. I guess they're like, we smoked that.

And it's like, a lot of fun. And then they're like, all right, are you ready for your next surprise? And I'm like, bring it on. And so one of the walls in the dressing room was just like floor to ceiling cabinets that had been locked the whole time.

I didn't know it was in them. So they unlock and they open it up. And it turns out this is where they keep their wigs. It is five shelves of just like mannequin heads with wigs on them.

And again, it's another really welcome moment where I'm just like, this is beautiful. And I'm just standing there like stone trying to take it all in. And then like the younger drag queen just goes, wig party. I know my god, you guys.

If drag queens ever invite you to a wig party, you have to fucking go. It is amazing. It was so, you have no idea how much I got a good wig and just change your life. You're just like, maybe I'm meant to be this person.

Like, I don't know. Maybe I should have bangs. I don't know. Could be.

So like, we all are just like playing with the wigs like half an like set on like our look for the night. So I do this sort of like Tina Turner Beyond Thunderdome like just like batshit crazy hairdo. The young one has a sort of platinum blonde after like Dolly part in a nine to five. And then like the older one has a sort of like reddish Lucille ball like kind of sassy number.

So like we're stone. We've got our wigs on. We go down to like our little spot in the bar. And we're like this bizarro high concept.

Charlie's Angels. Sort of like sitting at the bar that we sit at. And it's right by like a door like one of the entrances to the place. And like we see like there's two white hiss and her scooters that say like just married on them.

And you know, it's like we're drinking and fanning ourselves in front of them. And like this point the wedding has taken over the whole venue. So it's just like the wedding is going on everywhere. And you know, like they're like sort of like telling me about the couple who got married because they're local people.

And they're like the bride is a former beauty pageant contestant and the groom is a former homosexual. And I was like hold up. Okay. That happens I guess.

Does the bride know about that? And they're like oh yeah, everyone knows it's totally cool. He really loves her and he's not even gay anymore. And I was like okay.

I don't think that happens. But whatever. And then at one point they're like point them out. They're like oh there's the bride and groom.

And the bride looked like what you would expect a former beauty pageant contestant. And she's like beautiful but dead inside. And then the groom is the guy that I hooked up with when I first got to Key West two weeks ago. And so without thinking I just go that guy is not not gay.

And then of course these two drag queens they like smell the gods and they're just like what? And I was like you know I was like well I first got here. I hooked up with them. And like the younger one is like oh slightly scandalized.

But the older one he's a little bit like I've been around the block and he just goes prove it. And I just go well he's the jaded one literally drops his passion fruit cosmo. And the younger one just goes oh my god the rumors are true. And then they're like you have to say something.

You have to say something. No I do not. I do not know these people. And be just in a one man show in the midst of their wedding.

I'm done. I'm out. I have shit on their marriage enough. I don't need to do anything more.

They're like no we'll do some shots and then you'll say something. I'm like I'll do some shots but I don't think I'm going to say anything. So as the bartender is making our round of shots from down the street two other scooters come charging down the street and one of them two homosexuals are on them. And I say that because one of them was wearing like white booty shorts and a tank top that said silence equals death on it.

And he was yelling you fucking lied to me. You fucking betrayed me. You said you love me. And the two of the drag queens are like oh my god that's the groom's ex boyfriend.

They broke up three years ago and he has not gotten over it. And so they like drive up right to where we are and are screaming and we're like we have ringside seats to this. We were so excited. We literally closed our fans.

We could dramatically open them again and fan ourselves. We took it all in. And so they drive on their screws and they parked them in the sky. You know when he's like chubby out of shape and clearly he's been bingeing on Ben and Jerry's for three years.

And he's like yeah like you fucking lied to me. How dare you. He's like oh what's going on. Everyone like goes upstairs and he's like yelling and it's going on for like ten minutes to find the groom sticks his head.

And this guy is trying to damage their his and her just married scooters. But he's just kicking them and slapping them and then he will try to pick them up and not shape it all. So he just lifts it like a few inches and then drops it. And then the shocks absorb everything.

Nothing's happening to these scooters. They're totally fine. And so he's just yelling and going crazy. And then at one point the groom sticks his head out of one of the windows and he goes go home and stop embarrassing yourselves because shame is like a consideration at this point.

And then the guy gets this sort of adrenaline rush of like people to love her. And he goes I'll show you embarrassing. And he picks up the scooter like this and goes to throw it. But he trips and is weak.

And so it ends up hitting one of the chicken coops next door. And suddenly there's like feathers and blood in the air. And it hit the fence and chickens are running all throughout the street. And then on the other side the hoars are like this is like cutting into their business.

They're like shut the fuck up. And then people are waiting and they're like cake and champagne down on these guys. And suddenly the cops are just like sirens and all this and lights going and I'm sitting there at the bar with my Tina Turner wig and my fan and my passion for Cosmo. I think about myself.

All right Key West. I get it. This is the sign. It's time for me to go home.

Thank you all very much. Hi. This is Chen Chen and I'm reading my poem A Queer Translates Himself. When he says hello he means instead of talking I wish I were eating a rice crispy treats.

When he says hi he means hello. His sudden before then sudden or sob in the botanical garden today mean he's still processing seventh grade. Tonight's boldly smelly belches on a subway mean he's interested. When he says I love you seemingly to his own open computer he is working and also dreaming and the U refers to ampersands.

If you, dear reader, see him lingering before a billboard featuring many just into his jawline that should be self-explanatory. Don't ask him to translate. Ask why ampersands and he'll say they're poetry. Ask what he means by that.

He'll shrug. Give him a rice crispy treat that asks again and he'll say while unwrapping it. Well, they go back to the ancient homosexuals who longed for a symbol of entanglement, grace, multiplicities, power, the strange, the celestial, and, you know, the sea. When he bites into his breakfast sandwich with even greater and sloppier bestow he's thinking of his answer.

Hey y'all. I grew up in a really traditional southern family in northeast Mississippi in a tiny town called Okalona. My parents were older around 40 when I was born and they already had three kids who were 17, 12, and nine when I came along. Me and the baby I was really close to mama and she'd say darling you're surprised but a sweet one.

And mama was preem and proper and very, very religious. She was southern Baptist born and then she opted for the frozen chosen and became a piscopalian. Daddy was the town banker extroverted with charm and charisma and he was quite the male chauvinist. Mom and daddy expected me to have good grades, good manners, and eventually to marry a good old southern boy.

Well, when I was 30, after dating men for many, many years, I told mama that I'd fall in love with a woman and identify as a lesbian. Well, she had a fit. No, no, this Kate Davis is not who you are. This is just crazy.

You disgust me. And Jesus doesn't like it either. Well, I said mama, this is who I am and Jesus was all about love so I think he's fine with it. And then when she told daddy, he was just furious.

I can't believe this. What's wrong with you girl? Why can't you find a man? I can't believe I paid for the expensive girl's school I sent you to in Virginia.

You are out of this family and out of the will. I was devastated. My whole family cut me off. My older brother told me I was mentally ill.

How could my own flesh and blood reject me like this? And then it gets worse. About two years later, still after this cut off, I get a phone call from my sister and she tells me that daddy has died of a heart attack in Boston and mama had a massive stroke the same night. I'm stunned.

Well, I somehow make it to daddy's funeral in Mississippi and I'm filled with all these emotions, rage and loss and shock and meanwhile mama's in ICU up in Boston and when I got home, I got this letter that mama had written the day before daddy died and she said he had softened his heart and they wanted me to come home for Thanksgiving and he died the next day. Would we have reconciled? I'll never know what might have happened. Well, I tried to reconnect with mama after daddy died but she was living with my sister up in Boston and my sister was very controlling and didn't like for me to visit very much and tried to move on with my life but I was still so devastated and I had no one to grieve my father's death with.

The irony is I had this booming private practice as a psychotherapist here in the DC area and I did grief workshops and workshops on coming out and forgiveness and I dated some women who were kind of unavailable and I thought this lesbian thing is crazy. I'm going to give up and I didn't and lots of lesbians. I went to my astrologist and she did this reading. And she tells me about the law of attraction.

This idea that if we put this idea out to the universe about what we want and we believe we deserve to have that we can manifest it. So I set a prayer to the goddess and asked her to bring me my soulmate. Well that night I had a dream that I met this cute, soft-blitched, strawberry blonde with a smile that lit up the room and I woke up feeling like I was about to meet my soulmate. And so the next weekend I go to a good old fashioned lesbian potluck out in Fairfax.

I don't know anybody. I don't know anybody. And you know at lesbian potlucks there's always lots of hummus and there were lots of retired military lesbians that night. Now I appreciate their service really I do but not really my type and I'm thinking maybe this is going to be an early evening.

So I'm about to go home and then the door opens and in walks the strawberry blonde, the cute soft-butch with a smile that lights up the room. She's the woman from my dream really. And she walks right over to me and says hi Marie. Hi Marie, I'm Elizabeth.

Where are you from in the south? Oh I'm from Raleigh, North Carolina. And where are you from? Sounds like you're from way down there.

Oh yeah. I'm from Mississippi. You can just call me a recovering bail from a long line of unrecovered bills, bless their hearts. Well we hit it off and I call Marie the next day and we have our first date like four days later and we've been together for 15 years now.

And Mary, Mary for seven. I love so many things about Marie but I love that we share this understanding of our eccentric southern culture. Things like sipping sweet tea on the porch. Our mama's passive aggressive behavior.

And all the different meanings of the phrase, bless her heart. I wish I could tell you that things got better with my family and that my mother took except me but she didn't. She refused to meet Marie. And I visited her a few times and I had this dream and y'all know I pay attention to my dreams.

And I dreamed that she was about to die so I decided to go visit her again. And I decided I would take a risk and I would ask her a question I'd been wondering. And I said mama what is the hardest thing about having a lesbian daughter and in an almost whisper she said people make fun of people like you? Wow.

My mother was ashamed of me. I said well mama I'm happy and I wish you could just be happy for me. Well I thought you wanted a husband and children. No mama that was your dream for me.

It was never mine but you never told me that. I had told her this many times. So about six months later I got another hard phone call and mama's had another stroke and she's dying. And so Marie and I fly to Boston and this is the first time Marie had met my siblings.

We go to the hospital and I go to mama at her bedside and I tell her that I love her that I was sorry we'd lost so much time and that I wanted us to forgive each other. I gave her permission to go. And even though she was in a coma I saw these tears roll down her cheeks. And as she took her last breath I felt deep sadness but also deep peace because I was released from her judgment.

So the next day we fly to Mississippi to the funeral and after the service Marie and I go back to my childhood home where all the church ladies are clucking about. And my sister jumps up and says oh everyone this is Marie she's our family friend. No Marie is my partner not our family friend. And then my mama's sorority sister Shirley walks in.

They were try delts that's delta delta delta can I help you help y'all. At Ole Miss class of 46. And I'd known Shirley my whole life and I loved her because she was the opposite of mama. Shirley was always extroverted and flamboyant curious bordering on nosy.

And of course she's perfectly quaffed in her black ultra slayed funeral suit. Her snow white hair and aqua marine eyes. And Shirley's not afraid to show a little cleavage and a little leg at 77. And she says darling Liz but I hear y'all brought your partner.

I guess you don't mean business partner. Shirley well hello. No Marie is my life partner and we've been together for two years now. Well well well nice to meet you Marie.

I'm so glad you don't wear those big old man issues. Now Liz come on out on the patio and I got some questions to ask you. Wow so we go on the patio and she says so did you mama no. And what you think?

Yes I came out to mama about eight years ago and she was horrified and was really hard Shirley and she refused to meet Marie. Oh I'm so sorry Marie's just darling. But you know she stopped talking about you about eight years ago and about she had cancer so I'm thinning. Then when I heard through the grapevine about your situation from my friend Liz.

I was shocked because you're always such a pretty girl with boyfriends and everything. But I was secretly thrilled. I thought cupus daughter's a lesbian. This is the juiciest gossip in the whole state of Mississippi.

And I've never known any real love lesbians. Well Shirley now you know too. Well listen darling y'all are both very attractive girls. You are a little bit more feminine so I just wonder oh who's the man?

Is Marie the man? How's it work? And I'm tickled and horrified. Now Shirley you know that southern ladies don't talk about what goes on behind closed doors but just use your imagination.

Well I'll be lying in bed tonight and I'll be whining. Well listen darling I want you and Marie to come visit me. I want to get to know Marie. I was so touched and so we did.

For the next ten years we visited Shirley lots in her lovely colonial home down in the Mississippi Delta in Indianola Mama's hometown. And the last time I remember we were there she had a stroke and she was a little frail. And as she was telling us goodbye she walked us to the car and she said listen y'all I've been hearing about this gay marriage thing and I know y'all got married in San Francisco and I don't really understand it and I don't think it's biblical but I want you girls to know that I love you like you're my own. And you're welcome to come to my home anytime.

Oh thank you Shirley. We love you too. Thank you so much for your stories and your laughter and your outrageous questions because you asked me questions Mama never could. And sadly we lost our dear Shirley two years ago she died peacefully in her sleep.

I miss her so. But I'm so grateful for her friendship because she helped me heal this motherload of rejection I've been carrying around for so long. And last summer I performed my one woman show in the French festival, a lesbian bell tells. And I'm going to do it again in November so stay tuned.

And Shirley's one of my favorite characters and after the first show this guy comes up to me and he's a gay southern psychic. Gotta love that right? He's from Alabama and he says Miss Elizabeth I just left your show and I just have to ask you are you a spiritual lady? And I said hell yeah I live in Tacoma Park I am high woo woo.

And he says well I'm a medium and I have to tell you that your friend Miss Shirley was on stage with you the whole time and she was just beaming love at you and she wanted me to tell you she was so proud of you and I do think that Shirley was there. And maybe she's here tonight. Well I don't have much of a relationship with my biological family but I have this great family of choice with Marie our dogs and our friends. And thank you.

And you know I've had to give up all hope for a better past and live more in the present. And I support my LGBT community as a grief counselor and interfaith minister. And I've decided that at 51 now I live with so much gratitude for all the gifts in my grief. Thank you.

Six weeks ago now I performed at a storytelling night here in Chicago called Outspoken which is a new LGBT focused storytelling night here in the vast Chicago storytelling scene. I was so nervous that night. Even the swipe back I was surrounded by all of my friends. I just was shaking.

I think I had two or three glasses of wine before I even got on stage which is never a good idea for anyone. Sweaty palms. Part of the reason that I was nervous is that this was about things that I had never told in public before. I had definitely told on porches here in Chicago or in one-on-one situations.

But I never told them to room full of 200 people with the subject, my partner in the room. And some of the stuff that we talk about when it comes to his family, in his family is in China and his relationship with them is stuff that I had to ask permission from him to tell. A little over three years ago now I think OKCupid had just introduced the sort of Find Me Now feature which is pretty similar to like a grinder or a tinder or any number of these apps that are out there. I haven't really used.

I had gotten completely drunk with a friend of mine as I did a lot during that time in my life. It was about two, three in the morning, about the time that you start to get a little interested in maybe having somebody over. And so I go to this feature and I'm looking at all the people. And at this point I'm so drunk and so kind of I'll use the word desperate.

But I'm just kind of clicking on everybody. You know, and I'm messaging everybody. I'm copying and pasting a message and just sending it to like over 20 people. It's like basically the same thing like come over, hang out, let's talk, you know, that thing.

And I'm being super charming but kind of annoying. And so I get this guy and he responds to me. And so I'm like OKC got somebody on the line. I got him.

I'm going to reel this person in. And so I just keep messaging him. And meanwhile my friend is sitting there continuing to drink and we're hanging out. And he agrees to finally come over.

So friend passes out and I'll never forget Joe. He shows up. I see this small quiet looking Chinese boy wearing bright white pants and a black and white striped shirt t-shirt in the middle of winter and just got this smile on his face. All teeth and like cute little round cheeks and he's so tiny and so adorable and that true was a sense of that word but so unlike any other person I had been with up to that point.

You can tell that he's like wasted but he's really quiet and really timid and so I invite him in and he talked and nothing really happened that night. I think we might have made out a little bit. But I distinctly remember looking him in the eye and saying you are trouble. You're going to be trouble.

The next morning I woke up and I remember one of the things that I texted him on OKCupid was that if you come over I'll make you breakfast. So I made him breakfast and he left and kind of just courted for a while. And so that is the difference I think between the past relationships and this one. It was the first one where it felt like OK.

And I found somebody who is in many ways the exact opposite of me. So he slowed me down. He sort of put the brakes on and he forced me to kind of question a lot of things that I did a lot of the stuff that I've done and a lot of behaviors that I have and that's how it sort of all began. And then at some point I think it was about a year into our relationship.

He went home to China as he does every year and he came out to his family. His mom was very very upset. We got really depressed, threatened to kill herself if he didn't break up with me. And so then there was another phase where he said he broke up with me.

So at some point we decided that we were going to get married. We made this sort of life plan together after we talked about the milestones of having a kid getting married. All the things that you discussed as a couple. But for somebody like me who's incredibly anxious, the idea of proposing caused me such anxiety that I said you have to propose because I can't do this.

Just like the very thought of proposing to him made me just as anxious as I was when I was introduced at outspoken that night in Boys Town in Chicago. There are moments in life and what happens to our loved ones is completely out of our control. I have a mass on my spinal cord. He told me over the phone while I was at work at WBEZ.

A mass? Does that mean like cancer or what? He said I don't know I can't really read this report. Now he does come from China and English is a second language but most of us in this room unless you're a doctor probably can't read medical reports.

So I went home immediately and a lot of people in situations like these would go into sort of a panic mode or appeal to the emotion of the situation. Here's that word cancer and mass and get freaked out and be entirely unhelpful. I have anxiety. I'm putting my hands behind my back to remain calm.

And what I do to create order in my life is I make lists a very calming to me. And so I went into caregiver mode almost immediately. I went and I looked for the top surgeons in the city. I sent the MRI results in.

What they do is you send them in and then they call you back on their terms. So the next day we got like two calls almost immediately. Yeah, you got to come in. We made an appointment at Rush Hospital one of the great neurosurgical institutions in the country.

We went into a room and I spent like 30 minutes yesterday trying to think of like a pop culture reference for this nurse to try to describe her for you. And I typed hot movie nurse, hot TV nurse. Let's just say she was hot and blonde. The doctor on the other hand we did not struggle with the pop culture reference.

He was McDreamy. He walked in and he Harvard educated hotter than hell and he knew exactly what he was doing. He said you have a tumor in your spinal cord that needs to come out. We do minimally invasive spinal cord surgeries here.

We do them a lot and we do them very well. We make a small incision. We cut out the tumor. We seal you back up.

You recover for six to eight weeks. And that's it. So we made an appointment. And I think now at this point it was thinking back probably only because of how hot he was.

But there was just something about him that instilled the confidence in us too. Say yes. So the next day I was at work and I got another call from one of the hospitals. This was Northwestern which was higher ranked than Rush.

And this guy in particular was an expert in spinal cord deformity reconstructions. So we figured, okay, it's like two blocks from where we live downtown right now. And he knows the area pretty well. We'll give him a shot.

And the doctor came in. His name was Tyler Koski. Had my first name. That was a good sign.

And he was completely disheveled. He had like a surgical hat still on. He had all of his fatigues on. No Armani suit or anything like that.

And he had a computer. And he said, has anybody showed you this MRI? And we sort of both looked at each other and said, no, actually we haven't seen it yet. We've seen the text, but not the image.

So he brings his computer down and he clicks a box in the corner. I'll never forget. He was the hobbit. He was watching the hobbit.

And I'm like, you can talk now, but I'm sold. But he talked for another like 45 minutes to an hour about everything that could go wrong in this situation. It was the first time I heard the word paralysis. It was the first time I heard the word cancer.

And it was his opinion that the surgery should not be minimally invasive. And so instead of making a small incision on the neck, you make a much larger incision and you open the entire neck. His justification for this was that my partner is about 105 pounds. It's very skinny.

And so there's not a whole lot of room to work. And it was pushing so hard against the spinal cord that he didn't want to risk it. So we did what any gay couple in distress does in a situation like this. And we went to Creighton Barrel.

We walked around for like 30 to 45 minutes and just looked at shit. And then just sort of looked at each other and were like, yeah, let's go with that guy. It seemed like the right thing to do. It was the day of the surgery.

And there are moments in life when what happens to our loved ones is entirely out of our control. I don't know if any of you have had a moment where you had a loved one go to a major operation where he's probably going to live but you don't necessarily know something horrible could happen. And there's that moment where they take the person away on the gurney. And you sort of play that moment by still do it back in your mind because you want to do it better.

You want to do something else. You want to hug them or kiss them or squeeze their hand or do something. But it sort of just happens very objectively and fast. And then they're gone.

And they're not in your hands anymore. So they told me the surgery was supposed to be four hours, which is in my mind a long time. And I went to the waiting room at Northwestern, which contains, I don't know, probably 100 different people, all different levels of extreme situations. There are TVs that have numbers and statuses.

So I'm looking at that number and then there's two volunteers at a desk with two phones. Those phones go to the operating rooms. You get updates periodically. So four hours.

I've got amazing friends. My friend Andrew stopped by, brought snacks. He's been through multiple surgeries, stayed with me for two, three hours. My friend Chris from college came, went out for a little bit.

And then our four came along and I hadn't received any updates. My friend Amber showed up and I asked her to sit down and wait for a second because I was going to try to get to figure out what was going on. So I called the operating room and she said, everything is fine, but we had a little bit of a delay. Now in a situation like that, of course, I'm like a delay.

What do you mean? Is he going to die? What's happening? She said, of course, it's not going to tell me anything other than we had a little bit of a delay.

We'll call you back. So at this point, five hours, six hours, people are leaving the waiting room. Like there were 100 people there before, maybe there's 27 hours. There's me, Amber, talking to each other about nothing.

And this other family that I've been there all day, and I will never forget this family. I don't know what was going on, but it was sudden, I could tell, and very, very grim. And so they were having a sort of a prayer circle, and I was with my friend. At hour eight, Dr.

Tyler Kosky busts three operating room door, and I will never forget his face. If you watched Pete Sampers and Andre Agassi in their heyday, didn't like Pete Sampers, by the way, I was an Agassi guy. But when Pete won, he always had this look on his face, like he was fucking exhausted, but then he did this little smirk. Like I did it, you know?

And that's exactly what Dr. Kosky's face looked like. He came up to me and explained what happened. He said, when you called hour four, the tumor was connected to a big nerve for movement and for sensation.

So he had peeled away each fiber of the tumor for movement successfully at hour four. And then he did most of the one for sensation, so I was expected. And then there was a little tiny piece of tumor still attached to the nerve. And he said, I looked at it, and I had to decide.

And I heard that word tumor, very unsettling. And he said, we could either cut it and risk that he would never feel his hand again, or do radiation. And I said, radiation, so is it cancer? And he said, well, we flash froze the sample in the operating room, and there's a 95% chance that it is not cancer.

We won't know for sure in a month, but there's a very good chance. Big sigh of relief, right? I said, what did you do? And he said, I snipped it.

And I, you know, I do the math, as Art said, and I hear a lot of stories, and I need to hear more stories of surgeons. Because that moment, that decision, I have no idea. And so I thanked him. I didn't know what else to do.

Thanks, Doc. And he sent me up to the ICU, where Joe was recovering, and he retired from a kite, like morphine times 100. And he was awake, and I walked up to him, and I grabbed his hand, and I squeezed it, and I said, honey, can you feel that? And he said, yes.

Why? And I said, nah, you'll find out tomorrow. Let Amber sort of deal with that moment. So my friend Don, who had a moment before I came on stage, as this theory about stories where he says that, if you're the hero when you've finished your story, then you should write it again.

The hero of this story is not me. The hero of this story is my partner. Who, who are we? Who went through this process of surgery, which is not why I'm getting emotional.

That was tough, and he did it, and I'm proud of him. Part of the story that I didn't tell you was that he came out to his parents, who were from China, two years before this. They did not handle it well. One of the bargaining chips for his mother was that we had to break up, or she was going to kill herself.

Now, we don't know if that was serious or not, but you've got to take that seriously. So we sort of told her that that was what we were going to do, and they skied every week, and I would go to the corner and sort of hide away, and it just happened that way for a year, and gave him his time. This last winter he went back to China and came out again to his family, and told him about the surgery, told them that I had been living with him this whole time, and that I was the one that was taking care of him. About a month ago, I was sitting on a couch watching Oz, and he is on the phone or on the iPad with his mom, and I'm sitting there next to him, closer than I've ever sat when he's been in conversation with her, and he turns the iPad over to me, and his mom is there.

And through translation he said that she said that she was very proud of me, and thanked me for taking care of her son on behalf of their whole family. So, tomorrow morning you can't write this, we are going to sign our new home in Edgewater, that is big enough for a little baby, and hopefully a mother from the east. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow. That was beautiful. Someone makes us cry every day a month. That was wonderful.

Oh my gosh. I never thought I would cry, but I did. By the way, I could read that report, okay? I speak English.

I came out here. It's because we're going to get married this October, but he said you're going to propose, and I never did. So Tyler Jim's screen. Will you marry me?

Yes. That was Tyler Green. Tyler and his husband Zwoop made a podcast called This Is My Family, where you can hear all about their baby Sam, who is now the pride and joy of all of his grandmas and grandpas too. So, that is it for this Queer Lives One compilation.

Happy Pride, everyone. And folks, today's the day. Take a risk. Maltesers salutes Susie.

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