The Best of RISK! #12

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Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories. They never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. And listen, I want you to spread the word about this episode because this one has to be heard to be believed.

This is a rerun of the second most downloaded episode in our entire 16-year history. After the episode called Kevin Goes to Kink Camp, this is the second most famous Risk episode. It's the best of risk, number 12, and it's risk at its riskiest. Six knockout stories, each story more surprising than the last.

It's a long episode. Most folks listen to half of it one day and half another, but several of the risk stories about which people say, I'll never forget that one are in this one episode. So enjoy and share the best of risk, number 12. Hello kids, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories.

They never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, this is Sage Behind Me Now, and this is the best of Risk, number 12. Twice a year, we like to do these best of episodes where we look back at the past five or six months and take a look at some of our favorite stories. So if you are brand new to the show or if you're recommending the show to someone to listen to for the first time, these episodes are so essential.

Because people, when they hear Risk describe, they're like, oh, okay, yeah, I've heard the moth or this American like before. They're not quite prepared until they really hear an episode of Risk for the sort of raw emotion, the level of honest revelation, the spirit of, okay, fuck it, I'm going to really speak to you right now the way I might ordinarily only speak to my therapist, that heart and soul that people bring to this show. This particular episode, this particular compilation, holy shit, you might have to stop and start it and, you know, to take some breaths because there's a lot going on here. This is a perfect example of just how hilariously funny and sometimes beautiful, sometimes tear-jerky, and sometimes shockingly horrifying.

The show can be also, if you're new to the show, you might be one of those people who find me shockingly horrifying. Some people can't stand the hosting of the show. So listen, get your pause buttons or fast forward buttons or whatever ready to go because there's a lot to deal with. In this episode.

In a little bit, we are going to hear from the wonderful comedian, Michelle Bhutto. But before that, we're going to hear from Richard Cardillo, who is a storyteller based in New York City. He told this one at a live show we did at the Mass Mocha Museum up in North Adams, Massachusetts. Here he is now.

This is Richard Cardillo with a story we call transferable skills. Thank you so much for most of my life. I've been a teacher in the last 15, 16 years of my life. I've been the senior manager at an educational nonprofit.

Biggest responsibility I have is I'm mentor. All the new interns, all the new grad students, all the people entering the job force for the first time. And I try to instill in them very, very quickly the importance of developing transferable skills. To take those knowledge skills, talents that you have that you're really good in one arena and transfer them to another.

And I just told them you'll be better off in life if you could develop your transferable skills. Yet I never once shared with them the powerful way I found out about my transferable skills. It's 1987, I'm 28 years old and I'm still a virgin. I had spent the last 14 years of my life as a member of a Catholic monastery of religious teaching brothers.

At the age of 16, I made this profound decision to give my life to Jesus because doesn't every 16-year-old know what they want to do with their penis for the rest of their lives? I was hiding out. I knew what I was doing. I was so afraid of who I was.

I was from such a religious family that I couldn't live my life that way. And I figured if I enter a monastery, I could pray away the gay and just work hard enough. Go in and my entire life changed. I was completely repressed.

Even my name changed. I'm Richard. For 14 years, I was Brother Mark. So everything changed.

I remember kneeling in the chapel in the Vichate and just at that time shaking because I said, I know there were alternative things that you could be doing on your knees other than praying, Richard. But I wouldn't. I just couldn't do it. I kind of got into it an awful lot, but the novice master would make us watch the movie Sound of Music all the time.

And I'd even fantasize about that. I'd say, you know, Maria Von Trapp, when she wanted to escape from the monastery, she'd go prancing through the Alps. I wanted to escape from my monastery and go cruising through the ramble in Central Park, the big cruising area there, but I didn't. And I wouldn't because I had a pesky bow of celibacy.

I kept shaddling the words of Horton, not the saint, the elephant. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant, Brother Mark will be faithful 100%. And I just wanted to live up to my vows. I asked my superiors, please give me really hard work to do.

They had assigned me after teaching for two years in an old boys Catholic high school in Harlem. They had assigned me to teach in the brothers' mission schools in Lima, Peru. And for eight years down there, I worked with the poorest of the poor, but my internal was not changing. I finally couldn't take it anymore.

I petitioned Rome for a dispensation of my vows and I said, I have to bag this whole thing. But more than that, I had to get rid of this virgin territory. So when I left the brothers, I decided to stay in Peru, almost like a gap year, to just stay put. And I figured I could do my coming out right in Peru, right in Lima, the most repressed country of Latin America.

It was still illegal to be gay. It was on the books that saw me amongst men was illegal. You could be kicked out of the country. I was in a closet with my job at the school where I got employment.

And if they ever found out that I was gay, I would have been kicked out of the country. So I figured just go slowly. You can get out of this, Richard. You can really come out in a slow manner.

I come home every day from school and on the steps of my apartment, right in the stoop there, there'd always be this couple. It was Sergio and Marita. They were boyfriend and girlfriend. And I greet them all like et al.

Como estas. How are things going? Just small talk. And Sergio was this burly, masculine guy, just exuding machismo.

And Marita was just this little whisper of woman who had the longest black hair I had ever seen. And she'd be seated on the stoop with her legs spread and Sergio would be spread between her legs just lounging. And it kind of reminded me of a Latin, modern version of Michelangelo's Pieta. And they were great in each other's arms.

One day I go home and it's only Sergio on the steps. So he says, oh, La Rica, Como estas. I said, bien, get that. And he's explaining that Marita wasn't around.

And we're talking. More small talk than we ever did. And finally he said, listen, why don't we go get a part of the trailer? It's a couple of beers and go up to your apartment and continue the conversation.

So I figured, OK, we go upstairs quickly. The conversation turns to sex. And I'm trying to match him beat for beat with all this macho stuff. Yeah, winning.

You can't live with him. You can't live without him. And I'm going at it with him. And then he starts complaining about Marita.

Ah, yes. Embra. Marita. This chick.

Marita. She won't give me what I want. She will not suck my dick. And I'm like, I knew.

I was just recently out of the closet. But I already knew that gay or straight oral sex. I thought it was standard on all models. It was just it came with a package.

So this was a shocker for me. And he said, even more than that, I'm just so mad at her for not doing that. I will not go down on her. Go down.

This was the first time I had heard that. So I figured it had something to do with that region down there for women. But I wasn't quite sure. But I didn't ask any questions.

And it keeps going on. And finally it gets a little quiet. He says, oh, did we have to put him down? We don't want to put him down.

Can I ask you a really sensitive question? I said, sure. Go ahead. He said, Mickey, as you put up in the table, you want to suck my dick?

I'll pay you for it. I froze. And then the moral quandary that I was so used to for my whole goddamn life started with the good angel here and the bad angel here. I said, Richard, you can't do this.

You know, he has a girlfriend. It's just not right. You cannot cheat for that. And the other side of me saying, Richard, you need to practice.

You need this. You need the practice. You got a learning curve to catch up with. And on the other side, I'm saying, no, he could really blackmail you.

He could take it to the cleaners. You could be kicked out of the country. You got to be careful. And then the other side of me saying, no, but you need to practice.

But the reptilian brain kicked in in my back. And I'm thinking inside my head, fuck. Yes, I want to suck your dick. Of course I do.

Skull's open. Skull's in session. This is the learning curve. Get to it.

Come on. So I look at him very neatly. And I said, OK, takes his pants off. He takes his underwear off.

And I get on my knees because I'm thinking that's what I'm supposed to do. And I look at him. He looks a little bit different for me. And I was used to that.

Most men in Lima are uncircumcised uncut. So while I'm down there, he pulls back the foreskin. And I see this big bulbous head on him. And I start licking it.

And he starts moaning. And I'm like, I'm doing something right. So I go a little bit further in. And he starts moaning faster and faster.

So I said, go a little bit more. And I do because he's just moaning now like crazy. Now, I want to brag. Well, actually, yes, I do want to brag.

I don't know if it was all the older wine through the ages. I don't know if it was the Gregorian chant that opened up my windpipes. But from that first moment, I never had an issue with a gag reflex. So I just kept going deeper and deeper and saying, this is fine.

I can do it. And he said, my profondo, my profondo, deeper and deeper. And I'm like, I'll go deeper and deeper. He finishes.

He comes, gets up, not too many words. No payment, like he said. And he leaves two nights later, a knock on my window. Reach out.

It's said here. Come on in. Same thing. He gets ready.

I'm going at it. My profondo, my profondo. And we're just going at it. And we finish.

And this time when he's getting dressed, he said, listen, I want to ask you something. I have two really great buddies. And I swore them for secrecy. But I told them what you do.

And they said, they pay you for that same service. And I'm like, you know, I don't want to get into this. The next night, a guy comes to my house and he said, I paid Sergio. And he said, he was going to pay you.

And that you'd give me a service. And I'm like, fuck no, he didn't pay me anything. No way. But I do it.

Two nights later, another guy comes. Same thing. I paid Sergio. So this was going back and forth between the three of them for about a month now.

Every two nights, one night, there's a heavy pounding on my door. And I open it up. And Sergio was there. And he lunges at me.

He takes me by the neck and he puts me up against the wall. And he's choking me. He said, oh, you do my content here that they mato. You fucking faggot.

I will kill you. And I'm like, get that boss. I'll get that boss. So what's going on?

What did I do? And he said, I am a really deep shit. Marita has been following me to your apartment. And she thinks she knows what I've been up to.

And she now has this crazy idea that we're sleeping together. And I'm like, well, it's not that crazy an idea. We technically are sleeping together. But I said, OK, I'm just too scared.

Let go of my neck. He said, you were going to do exactly what I say. Or I'm going to tell everybody out you at school. You're going to be out of this country so fast.

I had to think fast. And here's what I came up with. I told my teacher that you were a flate. My call boy, a hustler.

I told her that you were a flate. And that you are an expert at going down on women. And I was scouting you out for her. And that I paid you to eat her out.

Now I start freaking. I had never, ever been in the presence of a naked woman. The closest I ever came was when I was a freshman in high school. I accidentally opened the door to the bathroom.

My sister was coming out of the shower. And I'm kicking my freshman self saying, why the fucking you listen to anatomy class in biology about female anatomy. I didn't know what to do. Now I'm freaking.

And I'm in deep shit. I call my friend Cheryl. She was the only teacher in the school that knew about me. Cheryl was like my Earth mother.

She was just so, she would luxuriate in her sexuality and sensuality. And she'd sit there with her Virginia slim, blown it up in the air, recounting and regaling all her tales of sex with men, with women, with threesomes. And she always said to me, you got to start moving on this. And I let her know that night.

I told her I started moving on it with Sergio. But we got an issue here now, Cheryl. And I need help. You got to tutor me.

What the fuck do I do to eat somebody out? She said, Richard, take it easy. We can work this out. Now start rubbing down that real easy like.

And then when you get down there, pretend it's a really hot summer day. And you just bought a soft-serve ice cream cone. And you've got to lick it real fast before it starts melting all over the place. So she said, try that.

Start licking. And she said, that's it. She said, that's it. Keep doing that.

So I'm like, OK, I'll practice. I said, you know, could I, with my tongue, I've heard of a woman's G-spot? Can I hit her G-spot with my tongue? She said, well, you're a lizard.

But no, no, you can't do that. Not at all. Why are you licking that soft-serve ice cream cone? Stick your finger up there and fail through all those regions and you'll feel a little knob and touch it really simply.

But then start going faster and faster. But Richard, this is your first time out. You will never, ever find the G-spot. Don't worry about it.

The next night, knock on the door. My eats is there. She said, oh, yeah, Richard. Said he had told me your secret about being a flater.

I promise it's safe with me. And he said, he'd pay you for the services you're going to give me tonight. I'm like, fuck. No, there's no money.

He didn't pay me anything. So she gets down to the bed. She takes all her clothes off. I wasn't sure if I had to take my clothes off.

And I start rubbing away. And then I go down. Then I put my mouth down. And I'm not repulsed.

I mean, there's this idea that they talk about gay men that are just revolted by the sight of female pussy. For me, the first thing that hit me was an absence of something. There was no penis there. And I was just having penises there.

But more than that, it was the presence of this wondrous thing that was great to the eye, great to the touch, great to the smell. And I was just not afraid. So I went at it. And I start looking away.

Like it's a soft-serve ice cream cone. And she's moving around. And she's writhing. And she starts the moaning.

So I'm like, Richard, what you did to Sergio? What you doing to Marita? Transferable skill. You got it.

So I'm going at it. And she is really and writhing. So I figured to go for it. Richard, stick your finger up there.

See what you can do. So I'm sticking my finger up. And I touch something. And she gets electric.

She is moving around. And now she's screaming. And I think I'm hurting her. So I stop.

And I pull my hand out. And she's like, don't stop. Don't stop. That feels so good.

Don't stop. So I keep doing it a little later. She organizes. She comes.

She gets dressed with that too many words. She leaves. The next night. It's Sergio.

He wants his blow job. OK, come on in. Mapro Fondo. Mapro Fondo.

We got it all. That's fine. Two nights later. Marita.

It's her turn. This tag team's going on. So I go at it and she's screaming again. I find that she's spot again.

And I want to scream out with glee. Cheryl. I found it. But I didn't.

She's getting dressed. And she says to me, listen. I got a favor. I have two really good girlfriends.

And I told them what you do. And they'll pay me. I'll give them money to say to you. And then I'm like, I don't want to get into this.

And then I'm like, no, you two are perfect together. Two freaking peas and a pod. All this clandestine, all this payment of money. Nothing.

You two deserve each other. That's what I'm thinking. This goes on for about six months. And I'm finally at with end.

I'm like, I am not getting what I want. I am not living. I'm not living this authentic, transparent gay life that I really wanted. And I knew I wasn't going to find it in Lima anymore.

So I made the decision at the end of that academic year to come back and leave the country. And I did. I finished teaching. I got on a plane.

I came to New York City. And I moved in on the Lower East Side. And within a month of coming back to New York, I met a guy who ended up being my loving partner for 18 years of a beautiful relationship. It was great.

It was great. And within a short amount of time, I knew this is what I wanted. This is what I wanted all along. This openness, this transparency, this sense of adventure, but mutual adventure.

This is just what I wanted. On our 10th year of being together at a verse, we decided to go to this really fancy restaurant on the Lower East Side where we lived. And Peter decided if you wanted to play this game, so we're drinking a whole bottle of wine. And he said, you know, I want to play this idea of, what do things after being 10 years together that we still don't know about each other?

I got to come clean. So I said, you know, Peter, right before I met you, my time in Peru, I long story, but I went down on a woman. And he looked at me and said, you did what? No, you didn't.

I said, I did. I went down on a woman. And I was really, really good at it too. And he furrowed his brow.

And then he smiled and said, you know, Richard, for 10 years, I have always known you as a guy that would do anything for anybody. So yeah, this isn't a realm of possibility that you'd go down on a woman. And to tell you the truth, I am proud that you did it. And I felt a little bit redeemed.

I felt pretty good about that. We leave the restaurant walking back and it's this sweltering, hot summer night. And we get to our apartment on Clinton Street and right in front of our house there's always this truck with Mr. Softy.

So we decided to get two soft serve ice cream cones. And we took them and we go and we sit on our front stoop and Peter spreads his legs. And I'm just lounging in front of him. He's playing with my hair.

And we must have been like this image of a very gay, modern Michelangelo's Pietro. And we're licking away. And I look at that soft serve and I started licking as fast as I could. And you know something?

Not one motherfucking drop. Hit that ground. Thank you. You're looking good.

Ah, my feelings have feelings. OK, so one year for Christmas, my mother got me health insurance. And she literally was like, here is the Kickstarter for your signal health insurance. You're too cute for bacteria.

Keep it moving. And then two months later, I found out I had a nine brain tumor. So I was like, bitch, never get me a present again. Because this is all your fault.

So I found out I had this tumor because I wasn't getting my period. And I went to the doctor and he took some blood tests. And he's like, you have a high level of prolactin, which means one of two things. It means you have a benign tumor on your pituitary, or you have a cyst on your ovary.

And I was like, oh, my God, more Christmas presents. Thank you. And I always considered myself to be healthy. You know, like I could do all the stretches and the moves and yoga class.

I could touch my toes. I'm like very flexible for a size 16. I'm like, I'm cool. You know, like there's always like 10 to 12 pounds you have to lose.

But I never felt like I was sick. And so when I heard that I had a tumor, they were like, but benign is the word you want to hear. I'm like, I don't want to hear any of these words. Like, my friend's mom got throat cancer.

And she's like, it's kind of the cancer you want. I'm like, you don't want any cancer. Like, benign all of a sudden makes it okay. Yeah, thank God.

You know, like it won't kill me. But it's like, oh, it's not age. It's HIV. You know, we're like, oh, he's not racist.

He's prejudiced. There's a difference. You know, it's like 10,000 spoons. I'm bad at examples.

Anyway, I'm so bad at examples. But leaving the hospital knowing that something's growing in your brain, like I've never seen Grey's Anatomy. But when I was walking down that hall, like I heard Coldplain, I was like, oh, my God. Like, this is what would Katherine Heigl do?

So when you have a mass in your pituitary, your body thinks it's pregnant already. And one of the two signs that you know your tumor's getting bigger is if you have a blurred peripheral vision, or if you're lactating. And I was like, oh, more gifts. Keep them coming.

So I have to go visit this endocrinologist, right? And I don't even know what an endocrinologist was. I don't even know how to spell it. Thank God for Zockdog and spell check.

It's a doctor for your hormones. And, you know, I always, for whatever reason, I love Indian doctors. I just feel safe. So I found the oldest Indian doctor.

He looked like ET. He was adorable. He was just like, he was just a bag of bones. He had so many awards and certificates.

I was like, yes. He had three hairs on his head and so much hair on his ears. I was like, whatever. This is his journey.

I'm not going to judge it. And he was so old that he had his son in the room with him taking notes while he was talking to me, because he couldn't remember it all. And I was like, is this a sign? And then I will never forget.

Because, guys, you never forget this day where your doctor asks you to milk your own breasts in front of him. Where were you when that happens? Everybody? Look at your partner.

I'm just kidding. Because I think this is so ridiculous anyways. I'm just like, are you serious? He's like, yes.

You have to milk your breasts. I'm like, are you serious? He's like, you have to milk your breasts coming out. I'm like, no.

He's like, well, let's try and milk it. I'm like, OK. I'm topless with, like, Patel and Son. This is my truth.

And so I'm just trying to, like, just squeeze my boob. And Dr. Patel kind of yells at me. He goes harder.

I was like, all right. He's like, all right. He's like, you're milking a cow. I'm like, what?

He goes like, you're milking a cow. I'm like, do I look like I know how to milk a cow? Do I look like I'm serving farm to table realness right now? No money.

I do not know how to milk a cow. I've never even been camping. OK. The closest I've ever been camping is eating sushi with my hands on the subway.

Yuck. So gross. He never really used the soy sauce that way either. So, of course, Dr.

Patel's like, let me do it. And I'm like, OK. So he wraps his hand around like it's a big ass hamburger. And he's like, kind of, like, trying to, like, get the ducks all warm or whatever.

And then his hands start shaking. And he's like, kind of holding onto my beautiful brown bosom. And as if, like, he's, like, water skiing. And, like, my boom is, like, the rope.

Attaching the boat. He's like, ah! The sun comes in. He's like, are you OK?

And it's just, like, four hands. I mean, I was like, guys, can we just say there's no milk? And I left his office feeling like, OK, I have graduated from Grey's Anatomy to, like, every Adam Sandler movie. This is going to be my life.

So a couple years have passed by. And my levels are, like, normal because I can take medication for it. And, you know, my husband and I are thinking about having kids because, you know, I'm Caribbean. He's Dutch.

Our kids will be so cool. It's like, they'd have a hashtag and a unique low campaign. Like, it's a whole, just an interracial thing. Oh, you know, just like, so I'm like, of course, it's what we have to do.

But the question is, OK, how do you get pregnant when your body already thinks it's pregnant? So now, I have to go see a fertility doctor. And I'm like, what? Like, I was almost a joke to me because I'm Jamaican and Haitian.

Like, I should get pregnant just, like, dancing to Mark Anthony or Walt's working to Beatty Mom. The minute I hear romance, I'm like, put your dick away. You know what I mean? So for me, I'm like, oh, I can't believe this is going to be my life.

But, OK, let's talk about it. And I'm talking to the fertility doctor and he's just giving me all these, like, big names. I'm like, you got to slow it down. I'm from Jersey, OK?

You got to keep it real simple. And he's like, OK, you're going to have to do in vitro fertilization. IVF. And I'm like, go on.

And he's like, basically, we're going to pump you up with hormones. They're going to pump you up with hormones, like a per-dude chicken breast, right? And then they're going to monitor me three times a week. I have to go in three times a week and spread for strangers and do blood work.

And I was like, OK, why do you have to check me so often? And he literally said, so you don't become Octomom. I was like, OK, remember that bitch? What is Octomom doing now?

She does not have enough titties to feed all them kids. So everyone has this idea of, like, what is going to be like when you have kids, right? Like, oh, we were drunk and we were like in the backseat of whatever, overlooking that mountain or whatever. But for me, it's like, my husband has to go into a room and jerk off in a dish.

I have to pump my body up with hormones. They have to take out my eggs. They have to see if my eggs like his sperm and they chill. And if they still like each other, they put them back in.

And I'm like, OK, that's fine. Like, at this point, I'm like, it's all good. Just do it. Like, I'll probably have twins.

They'll be so cute. I'll be like reality show ready. Go, go, go, go. So the first week I started hormone shots.

My husband was giving me the shots because I'm like, if I've got to take them, you've got to give it, OK? Like, that's how that goes. Sort of like, I cook, you clean, you know what I mean? And I had too much rose one night, got a little tipsy, not drunk, but tipsy.

And I forgot I was taking hormones and I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Then I cried. Then I laughed. Then I wrote a poem about it.

Then I did seven-foot shops. That was week one. Week two, I adopted a dog. My ovaries were high-fiving and I'm like, I got to take care of something.

And my husband was like, what kind of dog do you want? I'm like, a big one. And so he talked to a lab master. And I was like, I should have googled what a master was because I have a fucking pony.

And so now I'm taking hormone shots and just picking up shit all day. I'm like, what am I? I feel like a farmer. So finally I reached the end of that cycle.

And I still didn't take it as seriously as I should. I even showed up for my transfer, my little harvesting transfer. I put the eggs back in here. I showed up really hung over.

I opened my legs. It was just like, Jameson. And I was just like, I'm so... But I'm like, whatever.

I'm 37. I have freckles and brown cities. I'm cute. Whatever.

Just put it in. We'll see what happens. You guys are so judging. So I got pregnant.

And I thank you. And I was like, yeah, this is awesome. Of course I'm going to be pregnant. I'm Caribbean.

This is what happens. I spread my legs. I paid the $20,000 because insurance doesn't cover it. And I was still working and doing comedy.

I was on The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore. And I was on with Bill Nye, the Science Guy. And it was this week. It was so crazy because they found water on Mars.

But it wasn't trending. Caitlyn Jenner was trending. So the producer had produced me in a way to be like, why is this not trending? And I was like, well, maybe the water were like tears of Caitlyn Jenner.

It would be trending. And so I said something along those lines. And Bill Nye, the Science Guy, was like, div up. And so I got so...

I've never been internet bullied before. And it was just like rape threats, death threats. Bill Cosby wouldn't even rape you. All this other shit.

And I was like, oh my god. Really Bill Cosby would rape me, by the way. And like, not that I'm bragging. I'm just letting you know.

And I was like, this is insane. I've never been internet bullied like this. And I was like, I couldn't even look at the internet. So I was like, people are so...

They're just so mean. And so I went to my doctor for my weekly sonogram. And I had lost the baby. And I knew for certain it was for stress.

And I was like, you know what? That's cool. I'm a survivor. I'm a boss s bitch.

Let's keep it going. I've got the money. I'm gonna go back in. I'm gonna do this IVF.

And we're gonna make this happen, right? This is like so insane. The only day they could do abortions was on a Wednesday. I had a pilot in LA.

I put on some spanks and fake lashes. And I was just like, hey, how are you? And people would ask me, how do I feel? And I'm like, dead inside.

Because literally I had dead inside. And I have to laugh through my pain, y'all. Because I'm really too cute. To be just sad.

Do you know what I mean? But I was like, I'm a boss s bitch. I'm gonna take care of this shit. I'm gonna get you to get a pilot.

I'm gonna come back and do my abortion and do my thing. And healed and went back into IVF again. Okay? Thank you.

Thank you. And this time I was like, I'm gonna be like a Puerto Rican. One of the paltrow. I'm gonna be like a holistic healer.

I was chia seeds in my teeth, acai berries. I learned how to say acai. No caffeine, acupuncture. Like maka, hemp seeds.

I was like, yo, what? Tea tree, what's up? Let's do a split. And did another second.

IVF got pregnant. I was like, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And I was at the dinner one night with my husband and his Dutch friends. He dudged. And I had a weird stomach ache. And I was like, oh, this is VJ.

It's fucking me up. Because you don't even know what's happening in your body sometimes when it happens, right? And so I was like, no, this doesn't feel right. And I went to the bathroom and I was having another miscarriage.

And I don't know if you guys have ever been through anything like this, but if there's never a convenient time to go through something like this, right? And when I came back to the table, I felt like one of those old TV shows, you know, where like the wife was like, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute? And everybody knew something was wrong, but I couldn't tell them because also talking about this makes people very uncomfortable. And I was really sad, but then I was also like, what's wrong with me?

What's happening? I had all these questions and no one could answer them. I tried to talk to even my mom about it. And she didn't even know what to do.

She was like, well, how's your husband? I'm like, who the fuck about him? He's fine. He's fine.

He could have babies till he's 90. In fact, I feel like men could die and your sperm would still be alive. It's not fair. Sorry, guys.

I was feeling a little worn out, but I was reading a lot of stuff online how to miscarriage is totally normal. And a lot of people have miscarriages, but don't talk about it, so you don't even know that, right? So I'm like, no problem. Okay?

I lost four pounds. I was feeling good about myself. I'm going to go back in and do another IVF. I go back in.

I do the IVF. I get pregnant again. And I'm just like, I am the prize, y'all. Don't stress me.

Don't come near me. I'm not going to do your panel show. Your pilot is going to be all about me, right? Of course, I get a phone call for work.

And my man is just like, Channing Tatum is doing Magic Mic Live at Vegas. I was like, what? Can you imagine my pregnant ass when I'm all these naked men? I was like, what time is the meeting?

So I go and meet his creative team, and they look, just picture how you think his creative team look. Okay. It was a long white table with white chairs. Everybody has like abs.

They're super nice. They're like, oh my God. We love you. Own your sexuality.

And I was like, yes, don't get it twisted. And they're showing me videos of guys like jumping over like women half naked, and they're singing, and it's just like a very sexy America's Got Talent audition. And they're like, why do you think you'd want to host this? And I'm like talking about how women should own their sexuality and not apologize for liking stuff and just be out and like political climate right now.

Like women just need to go out and just find a safe space. And as I'm talking to them, I feel myself having another fucking miscarriage. And I'm like, is this really happening right now? Am I just going to fuck up everybody's white furniture?

Is this what's going to happen? So I got up and I left. I didn't get the job. Which is fine.

But what is fucked up is every time I see Channing Tatum, I think of miscarriage. And at this point, I really just have to say to myself, I'm tired. I'm tired. It's not fair.

I don't know why. I am a good person. I take care of everybody's kids. You know, I've been trying so long.

People have been single. Another married with kids. The people that don't even pay their bills have kids. Now everybody's got the kids.

You know what I mean? And people think they're helping me by sending me pictures of their dumb kids. I don't give a fuck about your kids. I want my own.

Thank you. But I just don't know. I'm such a fighter. But I just don't know what to do anymore.