The Cold Hard TRUTH

Hey everybody Jason Ellis here originally from Australia. I moved here to be a professional skateboard when I was 17. And now I'm going back to Australia to do comedy. Brisbane or Brisbane if you're American September 10th 11th September 11th are going to be in Sydney September 12th in Melbourne if you're American Melbourne.

But if you're Australian I'm a Melbourne and then on the 14th, Perth, Maine I met the guy that got eaten by 16 for great white there. Get your tickets out back in. That's not a word Australians the Jason Ellis dot com. I'm coming home.

Hello everybody. This is Ellis 2.0. I don't know if I sound different because I'm in a chair of skulls and leather. But there is a different vibe in my ears.

Maybe it's because I have been sick for three weeks and now I'm not sick. But I do have like a snotty vibe, you know. It's just every now and then I cough stuff and I'm like man, close call. I think I could have worked myself into not malaria because malaria is different.

But what's it called when you get real sick and then you got to stop fatigue? Nah, there's like a thing where your lungs get full of stuff. Oh, pneumonia. Nomonia.

Yes. Different than malaria. Malaria is a thing that you get from mosquitoes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I've had Dingo's mum here last night. I drove to the airport this morning and I make a joke where in Australia some Australians they talk where they said it's with the question mark and Dingo's mum does.

And I think that if I think his mum was to live with me for a couple more days that I would start talking like that, because it's pretty cool, I kind of like it. But I'm here today to talk by myself about some stuff that I think is important, and I've done a lot of thinking about where I'm going and what I'm doing in my life and what is the point of it all? Why am I here? Why is anybody here?

What are we doing? What can we do better? Is there any point in doing anything better? Could we just pop a pill and get it on the couch and Netflix or, you know, I think these days, like I'm starting to understand, Netflix, TikTok, man, it's like satellite radio, TikTok, people are consuming in different ways.

Sometimes I would sit down, I'll go light a bed, I'm like, I'm gonna watch a movie in Netflix, but no, TikTok. Because it's quick, quick, quick. I like to watch Game of Thrones on TikTok, where it's just little bits of the Game of Thrones. And I was like, you know what, it's making me want to watch Game of Thrones.

And then I put Game of Thrones on and I'm like, oh, drag it on, get to the fucking point, you know? You know? See, it's happening, man. I'm getting to Australian.

Is it, I have a joke that I'm gonna post, where somebody in the birds, shout-out to the birds, says things in a way where, I mean, there was a comedian that said stuff where I was like, this, he's not serious. That sounds pretty Irish, man. But if you put that guy up against what I just did, you'd be like, that's pretty close. That's pretty close, it is.

So anyway, you know, some people might not want to hear what I have to say because I'm not going to be doing too many poopy fart jokes. But I think everybody needs to be reminded that living your life, how you go about living your life is critical to the way you make the most and enjoy your life. And I think some people would argue, I know that I've talked about Crater recently on Twitter. I like to say Twitter because some billionaire was like, nah, it's called X.

Ooh, first of all, the only X is X to the motherfucking Z or DMX. And X is going to give it to you, not some fat, barrel-chested billionaire, you know? Because you're not cool. You're not cool.

And if you're not cool, then you don't get to run the name. That's how I say it. DMX is cool. He's awesome.

If you're on the wrong side of DMX is a bad, probably. If you're on the wrong side of Barrel Boy is it bad? Yeah. So they have that in common, but let's face it.

There's no pair of Timbalands that would make Elon Musk look good. You don't look good. You're not cool. You've got hair plugs in, bruh.

Your hair's fake. You're a phony. You didn't invent it. You paid somebody to invent it and then said it was yours.

You claimed that you were good at a video game and lied. Why? Why would you make shit up about being an excellent gamer? I'll tell you why, because you're not cool.

So I don't listen to people that aren't cool. That's it. I was like, in less, but no. No, that's it.

And you want to be cool. I know, right? Remember being? Yeah.

Remember being also does not approve of Elon Musk. He thinks that he is a douche. Remember being keeps it real. We keep it real.

What you see is what you get. Hairless Pussies. So anyway, I'm going to tell a story that I've told several times, but the more I think about it, the more it opens my mind to understand what is important in life. And then because of the downfalls that have happened in my life and the persistence to keep going, realizing now that the dark things have happened in my life, that they have been a blessing.

And the more I understand them as blessings, the better I become at playing the game of life, which means you can do this too. And if you don't do it, some of you are going to feel like I'm attacking you. Like, man, relax. Like, I don't feel like I'm being a skateboarder.

It's not a bad skateboarder. That was just my fortunate way of discovering the key to life. Because the darkness, if it's just all light, all the time, if things are good, here's an analogy that I've noticed. My dog, Sini, Bindi Sini, Trans Sini, Sini Line, aka's, got a lot.

She actually go into the vet on Saturday because she's got a skinny thing. And she bites it. She doesn't really care. She is itching it.

And she's got like a sore back. I don't think she worries about it too much. And she's a very happy dog. When I see her, every day I see her, I go, man, I just wish I was like Bindi because Bindi is always happy.

That seems like the cool way to live is just to be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, food. Oh, smack. Oh, bacon. Oh, that, you know, like it's always cool and exciting for like one of like seven things in her life.

But she's a dog. And we are humans. And we think way more than dogs. Would you agree?

I think you would. So to me, a lot of us, including myself, have always thought of like chasing happiness and chasing happiness is very similar to Bindi chasing her tail. It's just a circle of bullshit going nowhere. And because we're not dogs, because I think Bindi is pretty happy chasing her tail.

We will go wait. Why am I doing this? I'm getting dizzy. Surely there's something else in life besides chasing this tail.

And I think we, we get caught up in stuff where we think that's just the way it is, you know, and you, you start doing things that are comfortable. You'd rather be comfortable than progress. And I think that life is about progressing, growing, gathering more information and more understanding of how the world works and how you yourself, this is the thing that I think we always miss out on. We were trying to, some of us try to understand how other people work.

We don't understand how we work. You know, like, why do we operate in certain ways that make us feel good or bad? And being the best at something is something that I've always wanted to be because I thought if I was at the best at something that I would get respected, get the respect and you get the better than you get the power. That's what I thought.

But I think the good news is being the best is not what it's about. Being the best you is what it's about, which means you don't have to win an NBA title. So that's good news. What you have to do is win the NBA, the NBA title of you being the best you.

That was a bad analogy, but you know what I mean. But I'm going to tell this story that I know most of you have heard about my skateboard career, that it's not a book, it's not a theory, it's not a metaphor, it's what really happened. And I'm so blessed that when I started skateboarding that I was not gifted. So I know for a fact, you know, because it's like people that get good at things, you know, like Brock Alina, Brock, I don't know what her name is, but Brock less than his daughter, she's a shop put player, she throws the ball, this thing, she's ripping at it.

I would say that she has a natural ability to throw things far. You know, like I think the average girl that's like, I'm going to beat Brock Alina, bullshit, you ain't because that bitch got power, son, natural power. She's put work in, refined it, the technique and now she's, I think she broke a record of sorts. I don't know beside the point.

Being uncoordinated, not balanced and being in love with skateboarding for whatever reasons, doesn't matter if you know the childhood thing or skateboarding became my friend. It was something that I could confide and trust in, even though it was a piece of wood with wheels on it. But it was something that took me away to a magical place where I no longer cared about doing anything else in my life except that. And I just kept thinking about it and stayed with me.

What did I just say? I didn't think about anything else in my life except this. That's all it takes. And these days, it's never been more difficult because you get pulled.

We got to work more. We don't make as much money. Things cost more money. TikTok, Instagram, all the apps, all the drama, you know, like dating somebody, herpes, that'll slow you down.

I mean, it'll slow your focus down. Getting kids getting, well, getting your girlfriend pregnant when you don't really want to, that'll slow it down. Drinking, eating food that makes your body tired. And you don't know because your parents eat that food and they fed you that food when you were growing up.

So you don't know. But you're not as good as you could be. And all this stuff is like, blah, blah, blah, food died. Who cares?

Okay. I can only, I can only suggest I can't like go into your houses and force you to do any of this. But I'm giving you, I'm a 53 year old man who has failed and won several times. And I'm giving you the answers to a better life.

And you can listen to this and fuck me off and just go out and drink a beer and whatever it is you want to do. Great. Do it. Have five cheeseburgers.

I don't care. I like cheeseburgers. Every now that I'm going to have a cookie. I can, hell yeah.

But stay in disciplined, stay in focused, staying possessed, obsessed, like you cannot stop. That is the only way to live your life. And when bad things happen, it is a blessing. And when you know that it's a blessing, when you live in the dark, humans can't be in the light dog chasing a tail for the rest of its life.

We have to have ups and downs to appreciate the ups. We have to. And when the downs get us down and we don't get back up, that's, that's going down. That you didn't learn the lesson.

You didn't realize that there was a lesson there. And there is such evil things that happen in the world. But when you see it like this, and I'm not saying, I, dude, I got a text message today that the company's placed. I did the shows, so no one's paying me.

My things are late. I don't have money to pay rent. I don't have money to pay rent. That's scary.

I work all the time. I'm a good person. I work very hard. Everybody bought my merch and the merch, the place that got the money didn't give me, they didn't give me the money.

So now I don't have money to buy the rent or get more merch. I have no stuff to sell because I don't have any money to make stuff. That's stressful. What I thought was, yeah, that is stressful.

And I took it in and I felt it. And I didn't run. I didn't drink up here. I didn't come on anybody.

I didn't eat a burrito. I didn't smoke a joint. I didn't do anything to make me leave the problem. What I did was I sat with it.

And this is this thing that I've suggested was if you're not, if you're not an addict, the great, but doing the program and understanding sitting with your pain, sitting with your darkness instead of running from it or lashing out, people use all different kinds of ways to run from stuff, lashing out at somebody else, getting in a road rage incident, flipping out, sitting down and sitting with it, breathing with it and understanding what is happening. The money is gone. The added drama that comes with, oh, I don't have any money. I owe my ex-wife money.

I also owe the government money. I also owe credit card debt. Oh, oh, oh, it's coming to an end. Crash burn fire or okay.

So this is happening. A lot of people came to my show in Alberta. What if I did an Alistair in Alberta? What if I had all the merch all sorted out?

Did a comedy show? Did a Jason Ella show there? Had Tully come out? Do you want to bring some people?

Do a big event in Alberta. Promote the shit out of it. That's a business. So with the darkness, I came up with an idea and made something good of it.

Whatever's going to happen is going to happen. All I can do is work hard. If I lose the house, which is not going to happen, I will be alive. Also somebody who's been in hospital that is like, hey, man, you're having a heart attack.

You know what? You know what? It's not good. You know what a bad day is.

Me and the hospital, they tell you you're going to die. You know what's not as bad? Listen, your house. Listen, your girlfriend.

Listen, your job. It's nowhere near as bad. So most of us that are listening, hopefully all of you, have your health. And I know this is like, I've heard it before.

There's a lot of things that's like reading, you know, like my girlfriend reads stuff with that. She reads it out loud because I don't want to read it. And I go, oh, that's a good one. Because there's all these people that have done research, there's all these people that have done all these theories and hypothesis.

But they've done research, they've lived these lives, and they've written stuff down for us to read and take in and understand so that we may live a better life. And here I am, everybody. Here I am. Mr.

Mistake. Mr. Whoops, you can call me. It's still going, going strong, kicking ass, telling you how to go about it.

Whether you want to do it or not, it's a different story. But that's you, man. That's the difference between you and the other people that make it as you go, and whatever. Right now, today, you can be like, Nah, nah, not whatever.

Actually do it. What is it that you want to do in your life? Do it. Do it every day, old day.

Don't stop thinking about it. You know, sure, you got to make breakfast for your kids. But as soon as you're done making breaks for your kids, you start writing down what it takes to get where you're going to go, what you're grateful for, what you can do to adjust to be better. Getting back to this skateboard story where I can't skateboard very good.

There are hundreds of people that skate in Melbourne, Victoria, where I am from, where everybody is better than me. There was very, I don't think I knew anybody that was worse than me that had been skating for as long as me. And I think I noticed that because I have a competitive nature. And I'm like, man, if I had to say it, I'd say I suck.

And then I thought about it every day. I went to the ramp every day. When I was walking around catching trains, going to school, I was thinking about skateboarding all the time. And then one day it clicked.

And I could do all these things that nobody else could do in one day. Like I know I've said this story before and I've heard myself say it before, but you know, like I didn't levitate or anything. But don't you think that's crazy? Like I'm not lying.

I'm telling you the truth. At one point, I could not. I have a witness. I have a guy Gary Valentine is a witness.

I saw him this year and we had a conversation about it. And he was like, yeah, man, that I was there. I remember when you did that. So in one hour, I learned all these tricks and then skateboard sponsor comes to the ramp the next day because guess where I'm at?

I'm at the ramp. So excited because finally, this thing is starting to pay off. Having the enjoyment, having the passion to do it poorly is a key element, you know, for me to do all these years of skateboarding without any reward, you know, because I think we think we're supposed to receive a gift, a pat on the back, some recognition for all your hard work. If you're looking for that, you're making it harder on yourself.

You can do this with just laser focus. You don't think about anything else. You don't think about repercussions. You don't think about titles or anything good pat on anything that's going to help you feel better about it.

You sit with it. We don't sit with anything anymore. We move on and we bitch about it. I am also guilt.

I'm a human. It's instinct when I didn't know Rumble Beam was going to come back and I thought he was dead. A voice, not a voice, but I thought was like, go to a pub and get wasted. Get a joint.

Run. Get some donuts. Run. My girlfriend was terrified because she thought that I was no longer going to talk to her in the same way that I've talked to her since we've been dating because she was somewhat responsible for Rumble being getting out.

And she was so worried that she got sick. She got a temperature the next day because she was in shock and she thought that I have now ruined this relationship and Jason's going to be a little bit gone for the rest of our who knows a month, two months, a year. She said that. But I can tell you after I did the show here, also what would you see on Patreon.com?

I was walking out of here. I was going to eat food. Was I going to dance? No, but I was going to move on because there's nothing I can do about it.

And I am not going to let this ruin me. And that's from all the work that I have done in the last almost two years now. And because of the work, because of my sober brain, after all the hits it's taken, it's never worked better. And now I remember my past in ways where I will remember things that are bad and painful.

Again, this is part of the gift of being a human. You will remember things that hurt you and you will relive them and they will make you mad or sad or whatever it is. And you will drag it through your day and put it on the people that you care about. Because I have this mind now, I mean, I am at my vocabulary is pretty short.

I didn't go to school, but my brain is high level. Like right up there. I'm a genius because I understand it now. And I will have these thoughts where I'll think of something bad and I'll go, oh, oh, I see what's, if you that's in the past, there's nothing you can do about it.

It's been, it's gone. Move on. You are alive. You are healthy.

You have like the rumble bean is magical. He's magical. I don't even it's like Oasis. He's Godlike.

He brings so much joy to me. And how long will we have this relationship? Let's make the most of it. But there needs to be work done.

All of us need to have to put in work. If you're not addicted to drugs and alcohol, hell yeah, man, that's awesome. But you are still addicted to other stuff that is slowing you down and you're not, you're full potential. That's everybody listening.

That's for sure. Nobody that is listening can be like, nah, 100% on point 24 seven. That's not a human. We all get stuck in these little ruts and make little mistakes.

And sometimes some of us never get out. And then we go off into the spirit world where we lived half a life on this planet. And it's a shame. And that's why I'm here to do this.

It's not a million. But there's there's there's your ego. If it's not a million, it's not worth doing. No, if one person gets this, it's worth doing 100 times if you want, a million times.

Anyway, getting back to the skateboard thing where this miracle did happen. It's it's a miracle because it's a miracle that if somebody would put in that much work and not quit, there's no real miracle about being really good at skateboarding in an hour. The miracle was way before that where I kept going. Like you guys can keep going at whatever it is you're doing.

Your business. Do you not have a business? Get one. Get one.

Be your own boss. Oh, I don't know what I want to do. Start thinking of it. Start thinking of something that you want to do that no one else is doing or that you think you can do better or as good as somebody else and start doing it.

If it's not a job, if it's being a better husband, if it's being a better father, okay, man, be obsessed, possessed, relentless with it. And when the bad things come and hit you in the face, sit with it. Understand that it is a blessing. The dark is a blessing as long as you don't run from it.

When you run from it, there's only one way to run from the duck. And that's further into the darkness. That's the only road that is available when you run from the duck. I know because I did it.

And then I did not. I was like, no, I will sit with it and I will find the light in this. And I became wiser, more content and a better person. I'm not saying I got it all figured out.

I'm just saying that I've never lived a better life from doing this work. Mike Tyson, at one point, arguably the greatest athlete in the world. Maybe some of you don't watch fighting, but he was so fast, so strong and so amazing. Everybody loved him.

He loved himself. If you watch fights after the after the fight, he would do an interview and say that my speed is this and things impeccable and he's all these boys are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, I'm invincible. I'm this and that.

Ego, you're getting stuff money. You're buying extravagant bullshit. You've got a tiger. When you wake up and you hang out with the tiger in your castle, your ego is pretty big.

Eventually, this is going to end. You're going to be like, you know what, it's even better. What goes good with the tigers? Some of you might disagree with this, but I'll tell you what's good.

It goes good with tigers cocaine. Some people like Jason cocaine and tigers. How does that work? Think about it.

The most powerful animal in the world, arguably, is a pet. I am now so thirsty for power. If I do a giant line of go gain and hang out with my tiger with all these women and wear some weird underwear, I don't know what the hell that was, but it's power. You have been possessed by power.

You are no longer possessed by the passion of boxing. You have now shifted your interest and your motivation into power, popularity power, money power, respect power, all these things that go to your head, ego power love. It's a way to feel loved because what are you doing? You're running.

It's this little adjustment, you know, like my comedy career, you know, Australia tickets aren't selling right now. It's months away. I don't know anybody that buys comedy tickets three months before. I'm not the fucking Beatles, man.

It's a weird thing to be like, Hey, you need to sell 400 tickets in two weeks. And I'm like, it's in September. Why? But I do.

But that freaked me out. I'm failing. And it's like you're failing. What are you failing from?

You're failing from selling tickets. You're failing from people coming to see your show. Not a lot of people want to buy a ticket to see your show. You failed.

Am I getting better at comedy? The thing that I love, the passion that I have, am I getting better at comedy? Am I better at comedy today than I was yesterday? Do you hear that Australian accent just said today?

And the answer is yes. I wrote down a joke this morning. I know how to set I know how to pitch jokes better after I write them now. I used to write things and be like, I don't know how to say it.

I'm just going to say it like a hundred times until I've affected. Now I will write and go. I know where the where the beats are, how the rhythm of it went to wait, when to go, how deliberate. I'm better than I was yesterday because I'm always thinking about it.

I'm obsessed with it. And it gets convoluted with this like success. Oh, you're not selling tickets. You're a failure.

Everybody loves Bert Krasher. They don't love you. Did you come in for 20 years? You think when he was did it for five years?

He was as good as me? Maybe. But maybe not. It wouldn't be a drastic difference one way or the other.

Honestly, I probably think I'm better. It doesn't matter. Once again, contest, you're winning what? What are you winning?

Don't beat people. Win for you. Be good for you. But my Tyson got involved with drugs and alcohol.

My Tyson has had a lot of ups and downs. You could say in a roundabout way, God has given him some downs so that he can appreciate his ups. And he keeps going. Then he gets himself into a situation where he's like, basically 60 year old man.

He smokes weed constantly because he is running from the pain of the things that have happened in his life. To be the champ and to be an older man who isn't the champ is too much to bear. So I eat grams of mushrooms all day and I smoke weed. Look, I'm not dying of a heart attack because I'm not doing coke.

It's not that big of a deal. Could my Tyson be a better person? Here's what we all know. My Tyson lost a boxing fight to Jay Paul.

Was it rigged? I don't know. My personal opinion? No.

No, I think my Tyson would have beat the fuck out of him if he could have. But he can't because he's old. Old is a lie. Old, you're slow because you let go.

You can still be fast. You can still be strong. You can still win when you're old. You just need to train harder, work harder.

I mean, we all saw my Tyson's ass, right? Did you see his ass? His ass was flat. His ass.

I got to tell you, this is my ego. But when I saw his ass, I was like, fuck, yeah, Jay's cakes, your ass is still muscly and and and and I got to my ass is great. I don't know if that was a game. I don't know if I'm being gay right now.

Look, chick, stick my ass. There you go. Back to hedgerow. Chick, stick my ass.

My chick said to my ass is juicy. If you see my Tyson's ass, would you call my Tyson's ass juicy? If you called it juicy, you'd be you'd be you're blind. That is not a juicy ass.

That is a flat fucking withered ass. That thing is seen some hard times. You know why his ass is flat? Because he doesn't work out.

He doesn't go to Tony Hulks ramp and pump around. You know the buttocks muscle is where I get my power from. That's why I'm juicy. Juicy J.

Hey, go me at the ramp. Tony's like juicy J. I'm like, yeah, bad man. It's time to flex that buttocks and I'm like, I hear you son.

I hear you. That's what happens at the ramp. Just so you guys know. Ask him about, ask him about juicy J.

He'll tell you. But he's butts flat. You know why? Because he smokes weed all day.

And I know somebody be like, oh, you fucking sober guy. He always gonna bash everybody. I I, I, yeah, fuck here. I'm just trying to help.

You can not do it. You can smoke weed. You don't think I don't work. At the airport the other day, I go to take a piss away from my bags.

I go to the urinal, pull my dick out, start pissing. I look up and there's a fucking fresh joint in one of those little cylinders. Unsmoked right there, right here, right there. And I'm like, oh, free doobie.

And I'm like, nah, nah, nah. I don't need, I don't need to run. I know that if I smoke that joint, that first take, toke in, I'll be like, uh, all my troubles are gone. I want trouble.

I want pain. I want darkness. If I don't have that, I won't appreciate the light. You gotta fake it till you make it.

Have I said this before? Did I entirely believe it? More and more, I believe what I say. And the more content I am with what I am and what I've got.

Take it. You know, take everything away from me. I've got my health. I've got people that care about me and they guess who they are.

They're the people I care about. Because I got my shit in order. Not entirely. Just more than I ever have in my entire life.

I have a problem with hating people. Let's go back to Tyson and Jake Paul. I hate Jake Paul. Why?

Because fuck that guy. I don't understand why anybody cares about you. You suck. You're not good.

He believed in himself. He was disciplined enough. He worked and was obviously possessed, relentless about where he was going in his life. And he believed it.

And now he is this thing that is arguably impossible. It's a miracle. What he did was a miracle. He's some YouTube douche.

He was like some TV gimmick before that, like for a kids show. And now he is a tribal tattooed, comb over, like ad campaign machine that is fighting a real pro boxer this weekend. He's probably gonna win. So as much as I think he's a douche.

Because he goes coming to play. You know, like I worry about his later years. Like, how do you stay high? But maybe kids these days figured out and he becomes a fitness guy.

I don't know. Maybe he becomes a motivational speaker. I'm listening. Like, how did you do it?

It seems like you know what you're doing. I just think that there isn't enough people out there that are trying to help. You know? And there isn't enough people out there that are trying to help that haven't been through some stuff.

And I'm not doing it in a mean way. You know, I'm not like these weird beater influences are like, don't be such a pussy. I'm with the jail and now I, now I've a Bugatti. Like, you're, you know, test me at the gym.

Like, test me at the Jesus Christ. Your dick is fucking small. Like, that is the most screaming insecure thing I've ever heard somebody have to say, why do I have to fight you at the gym? Because I lift weights.

It doesn't add up. But being dedicated to your life is really what I'm trying to say. You know, drifting off, socializing, nothing wrong with socializing, nothing wrong with having a bug, nothing wrong with having a beer. You can have some creative if you fucking want to.

I don't care. Also, how people argue with me about cratum is fucking insane. It's like, I said the word cratum and that it has done some things that have been negative towards my existence. And somehow people have taken that as, Hey, cratum taker, fuck you retard.

I'm like, what? Like, if you drink a bunch of beer every night, are you the best person you can be? No, if you're happy being this mediocre guy, and it's like, I'm taking that as an insult. You're calling me mediocre.

You fucking are, you are, you are mediocre, you. When I did create them all the time, I was mediocre Jason. When I slept with a bunch of different people all the time, I was mediocre Jason. When I smoke weed from when I get up, when I just go to sleep, I'm mediocre Jason.

I don't really understand what anybody's going through anymore. I don't really understand what I'm going through anymore. I don't really understand anything anymore. And guess what?

I've always done it. So I've never really understood anything. Like the moon is a certain distance from the earth. And if it was a certain distance that was different, we wouldn't be here.

Some giant bowl of fire rises and heats up flowers and gross shit. Water comes out of the sky. There's giant fish in the sea. They can bite you in half.

What is it not to push? That guy's got a beak. That's a bird. What's going on?

Eagles don't have penises. Turtles poo and pee out of the same hole. The world is crazy. And you're all numbing it out.

And it's not an evil plan. It's just what happens. It feels better to be comfortable. What I'm saying is embrace uncomfortable.

Now I sound like a motivational bearded idiot, but it is true. You know, when you do this, when you try this and you dedicate yourself to this, you start to feel this thing that you want to scream to other people and don't fucking wake up. You're blowing it. You're missing out on the whole thing.

I'm not saying be a samurai and just live 24-7 like meditation fucking shoveling your sword. I'm just saying most of the time have a goal. Know who you are. Know what makes you happy.

If the people around you are the wrong people. Fucking cut them off. Life is too short. Make the most of you.

You know, when you're in love with life, when you're in love with the sun on your face, when you're in love with water and the sea and the fish and things, and then you find a person that you love, you don't know what love is until this love because you're half you. When you're full you, everything is fully awesome or fully shit. Fully shit is good. Full dark is good.

Fully bad times is good. When you believe that, you cannot be destroyed. When you cannot be destroyed, you shine. You live life to the fullest.

Life is a gift. If you don't live it to the fullest, you disrespecting it. Disrespecting life is a disgrace. I'm appalled.

I just had thought that I wanted to get a donut. Is that what I mean? I'm not special. I'm going to get one though.

I'm going to get it back out and punch the heavy bag and cough out some snot. Man shit. So there you go. I've done it.

I'm going to do it again. I'm going to do more comedy. I'm going to make a video where I'm going to pretend I'm McDunday and I'm going to get a black friend of mine and I have black friends believe it or not. And they're going to come out to me and go, Hey man, nice jacket.

Give me a jacket and you wallet and then he's going to pull out a knife and I'm going to have a girl next to me and go, he's got a knife and I'm going to lie down and pull out a sick knife and they'll be like, get tickets to Australia. I'm coming to see you September 11th 12th 14th in Perth and blah, blah, blah. I'm getting ready. I'm warming it up.

I'm ready for my acting abilities to flex. I practice it in my head all the time and I'm going to sell enough tickets to go to Australia. I'm going to go. I'm going to sell enough tickets.

I am going to and if it doesn't happen, I'll sit with it and I'll go to an open mic in a fucking alleyway and I'll tell three alcoholics my new joke and I'll film it and I'll watch it and I'll figure out a way to make it better and then I'll stand around at the comedy store like our fucking telephone pole. Until someday one day one person goes, Hey, do you want to do a spot and I'll do it over and over again. Make sure you like and subscribe. Tell your friends.

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