The Disappearing “I”: When Women Lose Themselves in Love

In a recent therapy session, my therapist asked me a simple question I couldn't answer: "How would it feel to say I?" I couldn't. ✨ If this episode names something you've been carrying, I work with women on exactly this at The Loom Life → https://theloomlife.com ✨ Ready for structured support through divorce or transition? Explore the THROUGH program → https://theloomlife.com/throughdivorceprogram This solo episode is about a single moment in a couples therapy session — and the much bigger pattern that moment exposed. I'm calling it the disappearing I: what happens when women have lived so long inside the emotional weather of another person that they no longer have a neutral location to speak from. The first-person voice goes quiet. Sometimes for years. In this episode I unpack: • Why "selfish" is the word that flashes when we try to claim our own needs • How IFS protector parts learn to keep us safe by keeping us tuned to other people • The fawn response in polyvagal terms, and how anxious attachment treats merging as safety • How the disappearing I leaks into business, client work, creative life, friendships, and the body • The way back — treating the first-person voice as a muscle that has atrophied, not a moral failing This is a quieter episode. Not a dramatic before-and-after, but the kind of inner work that slowly changes a life. CHAPTERS 00:00 Today's vulnerable opening 01:00 "How would it feel to say I?" 02:00 Welcome to Pulling Threads — introducing the disappearing I 03:00 The neon word: selfish 05:00 Context — a partner in deep trauma work 07:00 "Can you locate yourself?" 08:00 Defining the disappearing I (this is not selflessness) 09:00 Where it comes from 10:00 IFS protector parts and childhood origins 12:00 Becoming the calm one for an exhausted parent 13:00 Polyvagal fawn and anxious attachment 15:00 Cultural conditioning and good-girl training 16:00 How the disappearing I leaks: business, pricing, client work 18:00 Career, creative life, friendships 19:00 How it leaks into the body and your sense of self 20:00 The way back (a Mother's Day reflection) 22:00 Practicing I with my own therapist 23:00 Treating the first-person voice as a muscle 24:00 A note on partners in active trauma work 26:00 Closing reflection and an invitation CONNECT WITH LESLIE Website → https://theloomlife.com Therapy services → https://loomlifetherapy.com Personal site → https://leslieellenmathews.com Instagram → https://instagram.com/the.loom.life TikTok → https://tiktok.com/@leslieellenmathews Email → [email protected] WORK WITH LESLIE THROUGH (8-week divorce coaching program) → https://theloomlife.com/throughdivorceprogram 1:1 coaching & therapy inquiries → https://theloomlife.com If this episode resonated, please subscribe, leave a comment with the moment that landed for you, and share with someone who might need to hear it. Thank you for being here. Keywords: people pleasing in relationships, fawn response, anxious attachment, internal family systems, IFS parts work, polyvagal theory, women's mental health, healing attachment wounds, losing yourself in a relationship, reclaiming your voice, therapy for people pleasers, mother's day reflection #PullingThreadsPodcast #MentalHealthPodcast #PeoplePleasing #FawnResponse #IFSTherapy #AnxiousAttachment #WomensMentalHealth