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100%. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears. One Caver here in Austin, Texas, and joining us is somebody who wants to erase the people of Palestine. Give it up for Ari Shafir, everybody.
Thank you. It's not. Please. I think it's already accomplished.
Let's. Let's specifically wants to write a book. Let's say this real quick because there's a lot to cover today, but your storytelling show that was once famously on a network that once thrived, kind of crazy. That company said it's so crazy.
It's crazy. Two things. One, no one's coming. Nobody knows what a network is.
I know. What do you think of somebody when they're like, do you see that new ABC show? And you're like, what? It's crazy to make a show, idiot.
We have colleagues that, like, will be like, I just booked a pilot. And you're like, oh, I love it. Really? On cbs.
So you brought it back. It's called the End. We brought it back. We did.
It's called the End. We here at YMH produced it. And I have to say, I've said this before. The lineup that you were able to procure for this is.
It's pretty crazy, dude. It's pretty crazy. You got Nate Bargazzi. You got the Stephano Gillis, Jordan Jensen.
It's a long list. Jay OKERSON, Ali Siddiq, Ms. Pat. On and on and on.
And now it's out. It's out. Now it's 4:20, guys. You show.
If you've saved the episode. Today's a day to watch an important detail that is very ari Sh for Fear Driven. You can buy individual episodes, you can buy the whole season, but every comedian participates in the back end. Oh, yeah, they're all gone.
Everybody gets. You're the first person to pay us on. When you do a podcast, you'll be like, oh, here's like 200 bucks. And it's crazy, your people's reputation.
It is. I always thought you'd be like, you run my show. Give me a dollar. But you actually.
I don't know if you realize how offensive that impression of me is because I have a deep voice, so. But it is. I'll say this, man. It came out fantastic.
It came out so good. The concept that you came up with, it was always so fun to do live. And then we all did the YouTube version and fun times and the comic central version. But this is like.
This is the final end form of this. I was remembering just right now is when we're shooting the, like, early, early stuff on YouTube. That's not happening. Yeah.
And we're doing some runaround scene. And then I'd like, pull my pants and my boxers. Yeah. And then you go.
And there's all these extras in the front where that strip club. And you're like, they're like, one more time. One last time. And then you're just like, dig out this time.
Right. I was like, ow. Yeah. Yeah.
Of course. That was my production card. And those balls you have those crazy big balls. Yeah.
Yeah. Did that, like. Did you know you had, like, extra big balls, like, in high school? Yeah.
Reminds me of Roger on My Planet, a weekly, and he pins on a metal rod. That's how. That's how people were all people. Yeah.
Jews were the first big dick people. It's a slur. If they do that to the oppressed. Is they.
They say they have big dicks and supposed to. It was. It was like. That's like the first thing backfires.
I know. I think backfired. I think people want a big dick, but I think maybe back in the days, they're like, why I got a lot of horse riding to do. Negative for your.
That's true. I think having a. I think Having a big dick, that's the most dentist thing you can do. Why is that?
Well, like, every guy, like, talks to my son like, well, I got a dick, Tiny. Fuck you piece of shit. Why do you want a big dick? Right.
What would the reason be? To have a big dick. Oh, I know a guy named Doug who. To hurt them with their penis, please them.
No, no, no. But you did. But your dick can be too big. Sure.
And there was a guy, Doug, who was dating this girl that I knew in Tampa. And I went out to la and he was so cool. He was really fucking cool. Like, he said to me, I just found him.
He goes, do you want to go to the Clippers game? And I went, yeah. And we went. And he drove and drank and he was awesome.
And then. That's a good sense. And then he. And then he.
And then. And then I said, I love that guy. And the girl was like, I do too. His dick's too big.
I don't enjoy sex with him. And you're like, oh, fuck yeah. Can you imagine having that? Where you got to end up looking at a manatee just to have your dick fit inside him?
You ever see those girls? Like, they're like walking into a Walmart and they're like 7:2 and they don't look. They're all crazy until you see the cars. She's like, what's up, plus size ladies?
They look good from far away. Then they close your gay, like, oh, you're way closer. What do you think is, like. What do you think is tall or big for a woman?
And then when you go, that's freaky. That's too much. Too, too tall. I'll tell you this.
4, 5, 4. Is that gross? Beat a freak. I dated a girl five' ten.
Yeah. And I'm six foot. And it was. I felt like I was fucking a dude.
That's cool. You could, like, land smaller. I can rag a manhandler. Like, you want to throw something around?
Yeah, yeah. Every now then you want to feel like you're jerking off on someone. You know, like, you're just like. I remember I dated a girl who was 5:10, 5:11.
I didn't really think like, oh, my God, this is crazy. But then I met a teen USA volleyball player who was six' four. And I was just like, this is. And she was pretty.
She was really pretty. About a sport. No, no, I met her. I met her.
All right. I'll tell you that story. I got a phone call one day. I wanted to make this thing the way for other comics to show themselves.
That's right. You're not hosting your own show. They did. I'm very up somewhere else.
You thought about bringing it back all the time. I need your time's helping. Crazy night we're gonna have here. Shit's about to go down.
We're talk to my show telling true true story word would happen. My favorite. Please tell the story. My story is a love story.
It's about my first free Got arrested in your pants. What the. What the. What the.
That's my story. Don't think about it. Just laugh. It's funny.
Give me all of that. That would have been the all time best story to tell on this show. When it comes to running a business you've got to be able to meet the demands as it grows. With ShipStation, everything you need to manage getting orders to where they need to go is all in one place.
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That's shipstation.com the code word is cave. Shipstation.com code word cave now we. We had a. We had.
I was supposed to be on the end. You were. We had. We had a really.
We had a crazy story in and of itself which I wish. I wish. And you made efforts to try to researcher flew to New York a couple times to make it happen and it didn't happen. Dude, you're not being on there was the biggest.
There's a couple failures I'd be bringing back my show and that's one of them. Diaz was having major knee surgery the day of the shoot. That's the time that John Pack. The three of you not being there killed me.
What? What did you. Were you as surprised as I was at Tracy Morgan? Yeah.
I mean, it was like. Well, you got to tell people. It was one of the coolest experiences. I was one of the craziest, wildest experiences.
You guys set up that like you were going to tell a story involving him. That's why we're starting a story about Trace Morgan. Yeah, that. That I now have the permission.
And he flat out said, you have my permission to tell that story. That's what I was hoping you would do. And. But it was funny, his recollection of it, of the night we met.
I'd always. I mean, you gotta. This is like, the weirdest part is I've always told story pounds like a cat turd. And he hit it and he handed it to me and I hit it.
And I was like, your weed tastes like. And he just goes, I smoke blunts. What? Because I smoke blunts.
I don't smoke joints. I smoke blunts. And it dawned on me. I'd never had a blunt before.
And that was the confusion where he gave me a blunt for the first time in my Life. I was 24, 5 years old, and I hit a blunt, and I never hit a blunt. I was like, this tastes different. He's like, oh, you've never spoke shower before fucking with me?
And then he started laughing. He was like, recollecting. He was recollecting his side of the story, which was so fucking fascinating. He was like, yeah, I'll take a joke.
You're that much a weakling. And then he was like, are you really only hanging out with white people at FSU then? Yeah, because I smoked so many blinds. Really?
Where'd you go? To a small school in North Carolina. But, like, that was also. We were like, what are the black guys doing?
We should do that. Yeah, of course. Of course. Done.
That day, it was such a cool experience. Percy Morgan is, like, on cloud nine. We got done. He was like, okay.
For sitting there with him. Frosty tried to hook it up. Just like, let's bring you guys. Let's set it back.
So Ari says, will you tell your Tracy Morgan story? And I said, the only way I'll tell is tell it. That was disgusting. Or he just killed a nat and ate it.
Sorry. I said, ari is the only way. I've gotten so much on the Internet for the. For the Tracy mortgage.
Yeah. Because people like Tracy, that never happened. And I was like, whatever. I'm gonna.
I'm fighting if whatever Tracy wants to say is what Tracy wants to say. Yeah. And then always like, what if we can get Tracy to Tell it with you. I was like, I don't know how we can do that.
And so we. I think you got in touch with Frosty. I was just like, I'm not in the industry. I wasn't even invited to Diddy's after parties.
Like, I'm not. I don't know. I'm most like Frosty. Frosty called me.
And then one morning I'm laying in bed and I get a FaceTime from Tracy Morgan. And he's like, oh, you have a story about me? And I was like. And I sat up in bed and I was like, yeah, I do.
I do. Tracy, I'm a huge fan. I gotta tell you, man. I like, you know, I'm like backtracking, going that.
He was like, I like to hear that story. You fly to New York. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, all right.
Frosty says, you're a good guy. Let's. Let's do this. So then I call Ari and me, like, I'm flying to New York.
I'm meeting Tracy tomorrow. And we fly in and Frosty's like, let's meet. Yeah. So we go to CIA.
You're already like, this is cool. You feel like you're a mover and shaker. Yeah. And the second.
And Frosty got chick fil A. Like, and not just a literature. Let me go to this guy I know he likes, and he's like. And Ari are nervous.
And the second Tracy walks in, he's like, we're going to do a movie together. That's not at all. So then we sit down. We don't do this film.
So we sit in the conference room and I start telling the story. I said, I gotta tell you about the first time I met you. I said, you know, I was a young comic. Friends.
I was a Don't call comic books. I love Tony Woods. I love Tony Woods. Tony was my brother.
Like, he's just. Yeah. He added so much to it that, like, as we're listening, Ariane are watching this. It's almost magic.
And then you come walking down the street. He goes, it was 1999. I just got on signing live. I wasn't even famous yet, but I could get in trouble.
Page six, they got me at Madame X. And that's the bar we went to. Like, that's the lie. Yeah, we went to Madam X.
That was my spot. And he was just like, anybody's eating as he's telling. And Chick fil A. And we are.
And Ari and I are on the edge. And Ari's punching at my store, like, chatting. And then, you know, it was great about this. And then.
And then. And we just go back in the story. I was like, tony introduced us. And then me and you go around the corner.
We hit a blunt. And he's like, we hit a joint. He goes, I swear, blunt, but he's eating. He's so Tracy.
And then he just pivot. And he'd start telling another story about something else. About his fourth season on snl, about some other thing. You're like, I have the thing you put your feet in and the plastic goes around your shoes.
You don't have to mess with my house. We're sitting there like this. We literally are young comics all over again. We are young comics.
And this whole time, by the way, he is 100% convinced that I am Bert's agent. Oh, yeah. 100. I didn't have the beard.
I was dressed. I made a polo shirt. The way he referred to me was so, like. It was so clearly, he's the Jew.
I remember at one point, he goes. He said something about, where did you do? I was just somewhere. Where were you?
And I was like. He was impressed. I was like, I was at the State Farm arena or whatever. Oh, okay.
He was. You on the road. Where is that? I was in the city first.
I was in Philadelphia. And he goes, where? And I was like, the Prudential center or whatever. Whatever it's called.
I said, yeah. I had. I had DJ Jazzy Jeff come out. You can see Lisa, Frosty.
He's like, okay, okay. And so then. And as we're telling the story, he's just chiming in, chiming in. And I get to the end, and he says, that's how you gotta pay the check.
I'm like, oh, my God. We're like, this is exactly how we wanna do it. Yeah, I'm in. I'm in first.
He looks at me. He goes, you have permission to tell that story from now on. That's your story. And I was like, great.
And they're like, great. And he goes, do you think I go? But we would like you to tell him. He goes, all right, let's do it.
Frosty, set it up. And so we're like, great. And we're like, awesome. Me and him go to a bar.
I don't think you were drinking. I think you were doing a sober stint. Oh, maybe. And we went to a bar.
I said, Dr. I was bubbling. Cause I have the story that, notoriously, people think I made up. Everyone thinks I made up then.
Now I have the guy who did it with cooperating. Me and Ari. He's cooperating. Yes, that's the one.
I go there all the time. I know those ladies. I was a pig six. Yeah.
And so we get done the story. I'm like, this is amazing. This is gonna be great. Because, you know, I've always wanted to say I didn't make that story up, but at the same time, it doesn't matter.
It's like, I never wanted to bother Tracy. If he didn't want that story told, I wasn't gonna tell it. And. And I was like, this is great.
And then Frosty calls, and I think maybe his other agent called one of his other agents. Like, Tracy can't do it because it was beautiful in the room. But I don't think Tracy was like, oh, we're gonna do on stage. Like I was.
I might have the exact same thing. Just did. Yeah. And then they're like, yeah, Tracy's busy.
He's got a new show coming out. You know, we got a lot of stuff going on with him. And I was like, so deflated. And then Ari's like, just, you tell it.
But I was like, I'll be in the same boat I've always been with that story. Yeah. Tracy said, you can tell that. And then people just be like, can't believe you tell that fucking story.
It never happened. That sucks, because that would have been awesome. It would have been. I wish you were not doing it now.
Are you seeing race doing it? No, because the way, like, what you're saying, though, with Tracy being there and being like, that would have been very cool. I could have done it with such little Tracy effort if he had just come up and just gone. Because your impression would just be like, hey, you do this part, Tracy.
Yeah. Yeah. He would have just. He would have done the same thing in that thing.
He would have been. You'd been like, right. So then we went to that bar. Do you remember?
And then he would have been like, you remember 1 25th when I used to go to the place with the chicken thing and be like, wait, we've been talking about this. Sorry. Right? Here's what totally was.
There are parts of that. So, like, in every story I tell, there's parts that are just so true that they don't really work, but I hold on to them because they're true. Yeah. And I said to him.
I said to him, you know, and I watched you go on stage and you had this observational material and you're like, all right, all right, whoever think the fuck about the Hampshire, of course. And he smiled. He goes, I will pussy pop that bitch. And he goes into the bit that I watched him do 25 years ago, and I'm like, I've been saying that anytime I tell that story of friends, I've been telling that bit.
And he goes, ah. And then I said, I said, you got in the bar and you held up champagne. You go, I got a pretty dick. You can suck it with the lights on.
He goes, I do. But it was so fucking magical that I was bubbling. When things start, it's not just her hair that takes a hit. HIMS makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth and regain your confidence.
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You know, it's. Do you remember when you were young and you had something happen in your career and you said, this is going to change things for me? Yeah. And then after a while, you're like, nothing changes anything.
Yes. It's really hard to move the needle. This was one of those things where I called Leanne. I was like, it's huge.
This is huge. This is bigger than a movie. This is. It'll go viral.
It's. And I was like, you know, oh, I'm so excited. And then when. And I understand Tracy backing out.
I understand him going like, you know, he didn't know he was gonna do on stage with me. And I'm very well versed in the story. And Tracy's just standing. Yeah, he was.
So. So I was like, if he filmed the room, it would have just aired that. Yeah. And by the way, he must have had three breakfast sandwiches.
He just kept going. Oh, yeah. He's like, oh, we started on the horse, you know, I did. Do you remember.
Do you remember that clip we saw of him a long time ago when he was talking about being on the football team and his coach yelling at him. Donnell Darnell, you're not dog foodie. Yeah. Yes.
Yeah. The fluty part. Yes. He immediately went into it.
Really? And it was like, you put pat on Sobot, dude. He is. We know.
There's a phrase that bothers me online, and I think most of us know. Never says it about me, but they're like, protect this man at all costs. They do it like Michael J. Fox or Rick.
Rick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they do. They do it to, like, females all the time.
Natasha Leone got pulled off of playing shoes. Relapse or whatever. Protect this woman at all costs. It's a thing.
Yeah. It suggests the person's weak and they can't protect themselves. And I'm like, that's a fucking weird thing. Do that Guy, he's.
He's. He's a national treasure, like, comedy wise. So unique. Yeah.
The most unique voice. If you listen to that album. He put out some album a while ago where like, you just hear. You can hear that people are like, what's happening?
Oh my God. It's like, you know when you come home at three in the morning, you got to step over passed out. You're like, Kevin, you got shit all over yourself. What is going.
Because, you know, he's actually. That makes sense to him. Like, he's telling stuff that you're like, your mind is so you. His delivery.
Also, he can make reading a menu. Yeah. You know, he can do something like. Like he's like at the stand when he popped in, he's like, looks at the people on the side.
He's. How old are you? This is like 23. And he was like, damn, I bet you piss hard.
The best, the best Tracy Boring story I ever heard was. I've ever heard a bunch of them, like, sickler story is unbelievable. It's unbelievable. You could do a Tracy Borg episode.
I had the guys at CIA or no icm. The guys at icm. The first time that story got out, the guys at ICM were, were like, yo, we tried to sign him. And I was like, really?
And they're like, yeah. And he told us he wanted to do a general meeting on a Saturday afternoon at Dave and Busters. And I was like, really? They go.
We got there and he threw his birthday car party for his kid with all his kids friends and we paid for it. No, that's un. That's unreal. Was like, yeah.
Dave and Busters, 11am Bring presents. Wow. This is just Morgan's turn. That's so cool.
You got. You have to do it on a. You have to hear Ryan's story, like fully. I haven't heard it.
It's. Oh, my God, I don't want to like. But he basically met him on a kind of like Bert did and had his own adventure with him that like, was completely unprompted and unplanned and. And it was.
It was. It's wild. We'll never get another one of those. Yeah.
Because he showed up at a perfect time. Cameras. Yeah, cameras can't ever be. I mean, you'll never understand.
Oh, cameras, Cameras. I met at that oddball. That's where I met Tracy, the oddball thing like 10 years ago. And you know, you go to.
Every night, it was a different amphitheater backstage. And I'm walking, I get Dropped off. Like the car service will pick you up, drop you off. And you're walking that backstage area.
And I see a white massive Rolls Royce. And I'm like, walking. I'm like, this Rolls. And then I see Tracy and he's in all white with a massive dookie chain and a medallion like this.
And I'm like, what's up, dude? I was like, this your role? He's like, yeah, you wanna check this shit out? I was like, yeah.
And he had a chauffeur, like a guy in a suit driving. He's like, he just got this shit. This how I roll, you know? I was like, yeah.
This is amazing. Not to. Not to. Not to take away from what Mark and Sam do on morning television, right?
Yeah, they're really great. Like, they're living in that guys. But paid the path. Tracy Morgan paid that path.
Morning. Yeah. Decent dad. The Chicago one.
Horace Brant, Holla. Like that one. That's my mating call. I'm getting someone pregnant tonight, by the way.
No one will. No one will ever appreciate that. Only because once again, I've done it too. I've taken my shirt off.
On radio one morning. Got thunderstorms. Whatever we're all doing Tracy, I mean that when he did that, there was no frame. That was when you're like, yo, yo.
The Chicago one is just. It's unbelievable. Oh, my God, that's Arizona. Oh, look at this.
Look at this. Can we hear it? Hell, yeah. Early morning guy, Tracy.
Early morning guy. This is what it is. How you get this big and sexy. He's not laughing.
He's like, call me. Look at this guy in the far left. Like the. What's going on?
Can you find out how old he look? He looks at his life. He's got 32. Yeah.
18 years ago. 18 years ago. He's so bad. You ever see how old he.
He's like 39. 39. 39. Damn.
I guess Black has an inability to crack. He looks. He looks back to it young. Have Star Jones all yourself.
I like the star. The skinny star. But big star was good. I love big star.
News. I'm having an affair with. My daughter. Please tell my daughter.
Please. It's like he's pulling from. Like he's pulling lines from a novel. Scroll along.
I think he lays on the table. Is Tracy Morgan black, Norm. Oh. Doesn't he end up laying on this table?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go. Go back. Back a little to the beginning of the hull.
Let's see what got him there. Why not? This is My impression of a pregnant woman. You know, this should be done like a million times.
Left. Tracy, you're gonna be the improv had there. Not really. Come see me.
Say you love me. Like $15. Oh, man. Oh, my God.