The Fertile Void

I’m 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant and I’m taking this opportunity, at one day before my due date, to re-write and re-post this one from a few months ago. I never shared this one widely since it’s a bit specific to motherhood, but here I’ve made it a bit more accessible. This guided meditation is meant to help you find your fertile void. No matter how you identify, we all have a place inside us where things are created. A place full of the best kind of emptiness: where possibility exists and new life is born. I’ve heard that a Zen master once said that Zen is for men because men can’t get pregnant and have babies. In other words, the experience of pregnancy and childbirth is so loaded with awakening power that everyone who doesn’t go through something like it basically just has to work on it. It’s all too easy to get the idea that whatever challenge we’re dealing with is in the way of our awakening. How could I possibly be mindful when I feel this horrible? How can I possibly practice when my addiction is this bad, or when my life is as messy as it is?But the more I walk the path, the more things that feel like insurmountable obstacles turn out to be the best teachers, perfectly tailored for my deepest awakening potential. Even the most traumatic experiences— especially those. The only thing stopping us from insight is that we think we can’t practice in these conditions, so we don’t try. Oh, and we think that “trying” means bearing down, when it often means softening.Your generosity really helps! To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.In my first trimester of this pregnancy, I felt like I was about to vomit, all day, every day. It was extra excruciating because I also had to follow a toddler around all day, every day. A toddler who loved to use me as a trampoline while I was lying on the couch, trying not to barf. I went on a meditation retreat at the for eleven days during that time. I mostly slept and did lying down meditation, but this came to me one evening:Pregnancy makes you porous. One whiff of some unwanted smell feels like you’ve suddenly eaten the thing— the scented candle, the spoiled milk, the bacon grease— whatever it is, it feels like it’s in you. That’s just the beginning. Food goes down, and comes back up, quite readily. Things flow easily emotionally too - you cry when you watch The Office. The world pours in through all your senses, a relentless bombardment that can’t be blocked or shut out. Nausea happens because your typical guard gets ripped down as you are forcibly shoved towards nonresistance, while still trying to claw your way out. Despite your clawing, life begins to move through you in double time. And at some point the time will come when you are faced with the inevitable moment of fruition, the one that all that opening was finally heralding you toward. Your body becomes a gaping portal and you explode and implode, all at once, as one becomes two. We always talk about the beauty of uniting, but what of separating? As the vacuum of the universe transforms your body fully into a fertile void, you will never be the same again. In the excruciation of birthing, your mind can no longer dwell anywhere other than this moment. There is no escape from the crushing vice-grip of the present, except the release of surrender - of losing yourself in it, of dying to the pain and beauty of it all. Your life is not about you anymore. And that is the mother of all freedom.When things feel impossible, give yourself over to the pain. Let your being be smushed by the bear hug of your dharma. This is happening, not because you did something wrong, but because you are so lovable and so capable of awakening that the universe deemed you worthy of it.Thanks to everyone for your readership and for your kind and encouraging messages. I look forward to sharing insights from the fertile void when I return.love,Cara This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe