The Group I Didn't Know I Needed

What this episode covers

Welcome back to another episode of Dancing with Depression. I'm Adam. And today I want to talk about something I never thought I would talk about. Group therapy. Or as I said at the time, group therapy. OK. So let me rewind just a little bit. On July 22nd, I felt like I was drowning at work. Now, I'm sure we've all felt overwhelmed before. You know, that feeling of spinning your wheels, crossing one thing off of your to-do list, only to have three more things show up. But this felt different. Everyday responsibilities, mounting stress, and the weight of trying to hold it all together, it just became too much. And I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The next day, July 23rd. I found myself sitting with my psychiatrist and after that conversation, I made the decision that I've never made before. I submitted a claim for short-term disability. I didn't fully understand what that even meant or what came next. I didn't fully understand what that meant or even what came next. I just knew one thing for sure. The way I was living wasn't working. My hope was that some time away from work might just help me catch my breath. You know, maybe reset. How? I had no clue. I just knew I couldn't keep going the way I was. As I started planning what time away would look like, both my psychiatrist and therapist suggested something I hadn't even considered. A mental health clinic. Now that was definitely not part of my plan. Mostly because let's be honest, I didn't have one. So I did what most of us do when we're unsure of something. I did a Google search. And it was like I was choosing a restaurant while on vacation. And I went straight to the reviews. The clinic that had been recommended had received a 3.6 out of five stars, with 113 reviews, which I felt was a significant amount to gauge what kind of facility this would be. Now, I don't know about you, but I tend to jump straight to the bad reviews so that one, I could determine if it was worth going any further. But I also, think, was subconsciously building my exit strategy as to why this wouldn't be a good fit. But I read probably 10 different reviews. And I realized that there wasn't anything that consistently stood out. There were some challenges I'm sure people experience, but they seem to be very isolated. And many of them were about the food not being that great. That's. Wasn't going to be strong enough for me to to say no. And. I always remind myself that especially when you're reading other people's experiences and reviews that there's always two sides to every story and the truth usually lands somewhere in between. So I decided to move on and check out the website, learn a little bit more about the different programs that they had to offer. And I read they had three options. The first one was residential. The second one was PHP. And the third one was IOP. So the website breaks down what each of those programs consist of and Essentially, the residential program is that of what it sounds. You're living on their facility, which happens to be in 30 minutes away from where I am. But you're there for 30 days and you are in full day group therapy. You have weekly psychiatrist and therapist sessions, and then they have weekend activities like yoga or journaling or ARP. The second option was PHP, which is partial hospitalization. Again, you're going to their facility. It's a structured day, so you're there from 9 o'clock in the morning till 4 in the afternoon, Monday through Friday. But you go home. And the third option is IOP, which is intensive outpatient. It's much more flexible. I learned later on that a lot of people step down and kind of use the IOP to transition from a residential program into kind of going back into their normal routine. The way I viewed IOP was I could still be at home and that was what was comfortable for me. My initial reaction with regards to residential was no way. And the funny part was I said to myself, I'm not mentally ready for residential. Yeah, not mentally ready for mental health treatment. Sounds ridiculous, but this is also the same guy that admitted that he stopped taking all of his medications cold turkey. So. That's where I was at. I landed on IOP. As I mentioned, it felt like the safest choice. I could be in my own home and honestly. I didn't go in with big expectations or goals on what I was hoping to get from therapy, I just knew that I had to do something. And like everything within the medical or healthcare systems, there was forms that I had to fill out. There was screenings and evaluations to ensure that I could benefit from the program. And eventually I did end up getting the call that I had been accepted and I was scheduled to start August 15th at 9 a.m. In the days leading up to that, my mind was racing and asking questions like, is this really happening? Is this going to help me? How did I even get here? But first day came and those questions shifted from curiosity to a full on panic. I remember logging into the zoom call. And I use zoom for work all the time, so I'm very comfortable with it. But this. This was different. You see at work. Everyone centered in their frame. They have good lighting. Polished backgrounds, whether they have like a blur or a background of a place that they want to go to and you can't see everything in the background. This call started off very differently. People were laying down in their bed. Cameras were pointing up at the ceiling. Someone was on a hike. Another person was folding their laundry. And I couldn't help but think to myself, what the hell have I gotten myself into? Glanced at the clock. It was 906 a.m. And I just told myself, just get through the next two hours and 54 minutes. And we can try and figure out where to go from here. But I certainly didn't think it was going to be another session. And then the clinician welcomed everyone. And asked if anyone had something that they wanted to process. And I remember my therapist saying to me that it's okay to just listen for a while. Don't feel like you have to participate until you're ready if you're ready. And someone started to share. And I remember shortly after that saying, think this is going to be helpful and looking at the clock and seeing that it was 9.10. It's amazing what four minutes can do. So of course... So what changed? Well, I think first and foremost, I took a step back. I let my guard down and instead of focusing on all of these things that were different, with how they looked and their cameras and distractions everywhere, I realized that I was that person just in a different setting.There were days that I didn't get out of bed. There were days, not days like in a day, like multiple days where I didn't take a shower. And I was hiding from essentially being seen. These folks were brave enough to turn their cameras on and give what they had. And so... I started to see the similarities as opposed to the differences. And those differences weren't even between me and other people. was environment wise, work versus group ther...

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