The Impact of Unknown Neurodivergence and Learning to Forgive-Scott Simpson

If you would like to learn about the support groups and other resources Mona has available you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _________________________________________________ During this episode with AuDHD'er Scott Simpson, we talk about the impact of unknown neurodivergence and how important understanding yourself and your needs can be to help lead you to a path that includes forgiveness and healing. Other topics addressed include: Past relationships had a similar pattern. Would freeze when emotions came up. Trying to do things right long enough so that things would be okay. Feeling resentment from your partner, but not knowing what to do with it. Not knowing what your partner needs. Being confused and not planning ahead. Working on masking full time, but not knowing what that really meant. Things you say under pressure.  Sucking at hard conversations.  Routines while living together. Wife was a social worker. He had a fling. Seeking porn. Being willing to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what to do. Started therapy to address some issues that came up in his relationship. Didn’t want to marry someone who didn’t believe in him. Try focusing on the positives, rather than the challenges and differences. Expectations that there is only one way to do things and we want our partner to do it our way, Focus on the solvable problems. When you feel that you can’t talk about issues. The big proposal at Times Square in NYC. Time blindness. Waffling on decisions until pushed Wife had treatment resistant depression. Walking on eggshells. Feeling like you can’t meet your partner’s expectations. Thinking feelings, rather than feeling them and alexythymia. Didn’t know if he would be a good dad. During childbirth they found out his wife had cancer. In-laws moved in and it changed everything and he wasn’t prepared for the changes. Wife was planning to divorce him after the baby was born.  She felt he had no empathy and couldn’t be a supportive husband. Feeling like he was set up for failure. Wife screamed at him..."There is something wrong with you!”  …and she resented him. Everything he was doing was seen as an attack or a failure. The contempt has to stop. Wife had gone outside of their marriage to get some of her needs met. Deprived each other of so much love and joy. We can’t change the past. Felt like he lost half his brain when his wife died. Started learning about challenges with executive function and ADHD. ADHD didn’t answer all the questions and then learned about autism. Understanding neurodivergence helped burn off some of the trauma and shame. Son is gifted and might also be Autistic. “Unknown”neurodivergence throughout the family tree. Understanding each other’s neurotype within the family. Accepting your strengths, challenges, and differences and those of your friends and creating a supportive tribe. Thinking that there is only one way to be. Resented people who were their authentic selves. Always learning and growing. An experiential learner, who doesn’t learn from experience! Learning how to ask for what you need. Find the sandbox where you can talk about things safely…it lets so much happen. "Expecting" consistency may create challenges. Attribution of intention that is not correct. Learn how to forgive yourself…and start with your younger self.