The Last 15 Days: An Honest Update From My Hospital Bed

Hello, friend.Welcome back to Radiant Rise.It is a little after 4:00 in the morning, and I am recording this while sitting on my hospital bed.I was woken up not long ago so the medical team could draw yet another series of labs. The room is quiet again, the lights are low, and I cannot fall back asleep.So instead of lying here alone with everything running through my mind, I decided to talk to you.This episode is not polished.It is not perfectly planned.I do not have a meaningful lesson neatly prepared or a hopeful ending tied together with a bow.I am recording this from the middle of it.The last 15 days have been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. They have included severe pain, bloody diarrhea, weakness, lightheadedness, hospital stays, appointments, medications, tests, unanswered questions, and now another admission.Tonight—or technically this morning—I am tired.I am tired in a way that sleep alone does not fix.I am tired of blood draws.I am tired of being awakened for vital signs and testing.I am tired of explaining my symptoms repeatedly.I am tired of waiting for answers.And I am tired of trying to convince myself that I am okay when I am not.But I promised that Radiant Rise would be real, raw, and unfiltered.So this is the truth of where I am right now:I am sitting in a hospital bed after 4:00 in the morning, unable to sleep, trying to process everything my body has been through over the last 15 days.I am not sharing this for sympathy.I am sharing it because this is what chronic illness can look like behind the scenes.It is not always an inspirational quote.It is not always a brave smile.Sometimes it is fluorescent hospital lights.Bruised arms from repeated blood draws.Interrupted sleep.Fear.Frustration.Pain.And quietly wondering how much more your body can handle.Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is:I am still here—but this is hard.Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I am sharing my personal medical experience. I am not offering medical advice, and everyone’s health situation is different.But this is what has been happening to me.About two weeks ago, my body reached a point where I could no longer keep pushing through.I was experiencing severe abdominal pain, especially in my lower-right abdomen, along with intense lower-back pain.I had more than ten episodes of diarrhea, including bloody diarrhea. I became weak, lightheaded, and felt as though I might pass out.I went to the emergency room.There were labs.Ultrasounds.Imaging.IV fluids.Pain medication.Hours of questions.Hours of waiting.And eventually, I was admitted to the hospital.That hospital stay lasted several days.During that time, doctors continued testing and monitoring me while trying to manage the pain and understand what was happening.My blood pressure was running low at times, and my body felt completely drained.There is something frightening about living inside a body that is clearly telling you something is wrong while you are still waiting for a clear explanation.You lie in a hospital bed listening to machines.You watch people enter and leave the room.You answer the same questions again and again.You wait for the next test.The next result.The next doctor.The next possibility.And somewhere inside yourself, you keep hoping that this will finally be the moment when everything makes sense.Eventually, I was discharged.And like so many people living with chronic illness, I immediately began thinking about everything I needed to return to.Work.Appointments.My family.My responsibilities.Radiant Rise.The podcast.The blog.Everything that continues moving, even when your body has forced you to stop.I tried to return to some version of normal.But my body was not ready.I was still dealing with pain, exhaustion, weakness, stomach symptoms, and the emotional weight of everything that had happened.I was prescribed pain medication after leaving the hospital, but it made me extremely groggy.I found myself trying to balance two difficult choices:Do I take something strong enough to help control the pain and risk barely being able to function?Or do I avoid it and try to tolerate pain that has already become overwhelming?There were moments when I became frustrated with myself because I wanted to do more.I wanted to work.I wanted to write.I wanted to record.I wanted to keep my commitments.I wanted to feel like myself again.But wanting your body to cooperate and having your body actually cooperate are two completely different things.Over the days that followed, I continued attending appointments and trying to understand what was happening.Yesterday morning, I went to another medical appointment.After evaluating what was going on, the recommendation was that I return to the hospital.So I came back.And I was admitted again.That is where I am now.Back in a hospital room.Back to bloodwork.Back to monitoring.Back to interrupted sleep.Back to waiting.Back to wondering what the next test or conversation will bring.Some of my blood-pressure and heart-rate readings have also been concerning.One of those readings was taken while I was lying down—not standing, walking, or physically exerting myself.I think that detail matters because my body was not reacting to activity.I was resting.And still, something did not feel right.The last 15 days have been exhausting in every possible way.Physically.Mentally.Emotionally.There have been moments of fear.Moments of frustration.Moments when I have wondered how many times I can rebuild after my body knocks me down again.There have also been moments of guilt.Guilt for missing work.Guilt for needing help.Guilt for not posting consistently.Guilt for sleeping.Guilt for being unable to give everyone the version of me they are accustomed to receiving.And I know I am not the only person who feels that way.When you live with chronic illness, you can begin apologizing for things that are not your fault.You apologize for canceling plans.For resting.For being tired.For needing help.For not responding quickly.For not being productive.For having a body that requires more care than other people may understand.But I am trying to remind myself of something I say to this community all the time:Rest is not failure.Needing care is not weakness.Being sick is not something I need to apologize for.I do not know yet what the full answer will be.I do not know what the next few days will look like.I do not know when my body will feel steady again.And I am not going to pretend that I have already reached some beautiful moment of clarity just because I am recording this episode.Right now, I am still living through it.That is part of the honesty of Radiant Rise.Sometimes we share the lesson after we have healed.Other times, we speak while we are still sitting in the hospital room trying to understand what the lesson could possibly be.This is one of those times.I wanted to share this update because I do not want anyone listening to think that I disappeared, stopped caring, or gave up on everything I am building.I have been fighting for my health.I have been trying to listen to my body.I have been asking questions.I have been showing up for appointments.I have been trying to advocate for myself, even when I am exhausted.I have been doing the best I can with circumstances I did not choose.Radiant Rise was created for moments like this.Not only for the hopeful days when everything feels possible.But also for the frightening days when getting through the next hour is the victory.This community was never supposed to be built around perfection.It was built around truth.And the truth today is that I am tired.I am scared.I am frustrated.I am still in pain.I do not have every answer.But I am also still here.Still asking questions.Still advocating for myself.Still allowing the people who love me to support me.Still choosing hope, even when hope feels quieter than usual.To anyone listening from a hospital bed, a doctor’s waiting room, your bedroom, your car, or anywhere else where you are trying to hold yourself together:I see you.You are not failing because your body needs rest.You are not weak because you are frightened.You are not a burden because you need care.You do not have to turn your suffering into inspiration every single day.You do not always have to find the positive lesson.You do not always have to be the strong one.Sometimes you are allowed to simply survive the moment you are in.That is enough.For now, I am taking things one test, one conversation, one breath, and one day at a time.Thank you for being patient with me.Thank you for caring about me as a person and not only as someone who creates content.Thank you for continuing to be part of Radiant Rise while I navigate this difficult chapter.I will share more when I know more and when I have the strength to do so.Until then, please take care of yourself.Listen when your body whispers so it does not have to scream.Give yourself grace for what you cannot accomplish today.And remember:Even during the days when hope feels small, it is still there.This is Michelle Baldwin, and this is Radiant Rise.Healing. Hope. You. Get full access to Radiant Rise | Michelle Baldwin at radiantrisemystory.substack.com/subscribe