The Left Hand Path

There are these moments in life when you get a flash of true clarity.Your life up to this point lays out before you like the perfectly paved yellow brick road and you see the divine perfection of each step you’ve taken. I had a moment like this yesterday I’ve been holding in my body since.A part of me is scared to write about it and share it because of how activating it might be. Joy can sometimes be the most activating thing.A part of me thinks someone will accuse me of being white, privileged and insensitive. A part of me thinks I’ll look like a full-of-herself-a*****e and no one will take me seriously. A part of me thinks that my happiness and clarity are not something that other people care at all about.A part of me thinks you’ll not really feel the true transmission of what I have to share because you’re too wrapped up in your own stories about what is and isn’t possible for you. But those parts of me don’t drive my life. And the truth is, a lot of those worries about your reactions are actually none of my business at all.It is my business to share my gifts. To offer outward, what I have unwound inward. To shine my light so that those who are for me can find me and be with me.To claim what is mine, not because it makes me better than someone else. Truth is not about comparisons, but about what simply is.The truth is, I have co-created a life for myself that I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams.When I look back on my life from this zoomed out and clear perspective, there has never been a point in which I was not participating full out.I’ve never done soul sucking work. I’ve never lived anywhere I didn’t wholeheartedly want to live. I’ve never taken the safe route. I’ve always trusted the deeper thing. Always choosing to follow the depth of the current of Truth rather than the linear, logical path.I’ve followed the thread of desire down each and every messy back alley I felt called toward.My capacity for life experience is enormous. I’ve tasted so much in my 34 years of life.The phrase, “she marches to the beat of her own drum” keeps coming in.I have marched, out into the world, to my own rhythm, making beautiful music that is my very own.I have been in a period of deconstruction the last couple years and it’s felt like I’ve been lost in the wilderness. But the Truth is, I’ve always known exactly who I was and that this exactly my path. I am not afraid to get dirty. I am a seeker in the deepest sense. And I will never not be seeking. It is in my bone marrow and blood.My life as it is, is a direct product of this primordial imperative to seek, to trust the unseen guidance, and to always go deeper.And my life is so much sweeter than anything I could have ever imagined with my mind.I wake up without an alarm clock every day, unless you count babies as alarm clocks.I eat a breakfast of home grown and local food outside, in the sunshine, with my precious babies sitting next to me or on me.I walk around our garden and marvel at all the food my husband has growing for us and our family. I take a walk on land that we steward and own in the legal sense, but I see it more that we are in a committed and intimate relationship with it.I dip my toes in the river and say hello to the plants and animals that also live on the land.I do work where I get to simply share my gifts and wisdom with people who get it. I get to see women wake up the truth of their power and worth. I have a partner who turns me on in this deep lava heat type of way and who meets me for every single level up. I have beautiful people in my life and friends who see me and hold me and connect with me. I eat cherries off of our cherry tree. I treat my body well and have so much time to be with myself and my needs.I spend evenings with my family watching the trees blow in the wind and the sun go down over the river.My life is full of nature and natural rhythms and nourishment.My body is healing. Recuperating. Rebuilding itself. My life is spacious. It is not rushed in any sense of the word.I say no to most activities and gatherings and people, happily and clearly.There may be a time in my life when I say yes to more; when my girls are more independent and learning to say their own yeses and no’s. But for now, my life is simple.This life did not just fall into my lap. It was not something that just happened to me.It would be so easy to say; “ahhh.. I’m just so lucky.”But that actually doesn’t do the beauty of my life full justice. Being “just lucky” doesn’t encompass the wideness of participation that has actually created this life of mine. It downplays the beauty. It minimizes the tender heartedness that is true here.There are plenty of places where my life could have collapsed into something that wasn’t resonant with the core of my being.But, I have owned my choices, every single step of the way. I have owned my ability to create and taken each stroke life has given me as an opportunity to choose something new and to learn and grow.I have chosen the less safe path.The less conventional way.The road less traveled. The left hand path.The choices that felt so new and scary and outside my capacity, I trusted and made them anyway.I wasn’t making choices based in an egoic sense of “manifesting” my dream life. My ego could have never dreamed of this life I live now. I was simply making choices based in my own deep knowing. I said yes to the deeper thing.Again and again. A lot of the time I didn’t even consciously know I was following the deeper thing. It was just a feeling. Just an intuitive ping. One by one. Bread crumbs.In fact, that is the flash of clarity I was given yesterday, how deeply committed I am to following the thing without even consciously knowing I am following the thing. After all, committing to the Truth is not a mental thing you can understand with your reasoning.It’s a body-led thing. It’s a heart-led thing. It’s a pussy-led thing.My mind doesn’t have to understand any of it. Because look at this life it has created for me. Every single step has been absolute perfection. If you feel called to any of this.. this is my medicine and my work may be for you. There are 3 ways to work with me right now: * HOME BODY sessions | one hour with me guiding you into your body as your home | $222 | Message to book.* FED | 6 month container where we will have a feast for the mind, body and soul and explore deep feminine nourishment. We being August 14th. | Message me to book a free connection call about this.* 1:1 Alchemical Journey | 12 months with with guiding you to connect to your most resourced self during big life transitions eg divorce, motherhood, death, etc. | Message me to book a free connection call about this. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe