Like, I'm having a hard time getting my finger in my ear. Really? That's how jacked I am. Because of your arms and shoulders?
My biceps won't allow it. Wow. It's all in my fucking head. It's not real, but I believe I'm getting a big surprise every fucking time.
I hear Tom say, that was a good fucking movie because I know you. And then I go, where's Tom? They're like, he's at the after party already. I go, motherfucker, motherfucker, 100%.
Cheers. We are back, and I gotta say, congratulations to my boy. Your movie premiered at the box office. Doing well, and give it up, everybody, for the star of The Machine, Bert Kirshner.
Hear it. Give it up. The business that we've been in is that this podcast only got big because people started sharing it with their friends. And so do that for the movie, and I'm telling you, good things are going to come for me and Tommy.
Yeah. We had a lot of really good conversations that night. We did. It's been a whirlwind, I'm sure, of a week for you.
I'm overwhelmed. I mean, I've never seen you. You usually go hard, but I don't think I've ever seen you press this hard. It has been, I mean, really, you've been like, really.
We were talking about this. I don't know if it's, it's so funny that the whole process of promoting a movie. Give a new appreciation for it. Oh my God.
Dude, Tom Cruise, he deserves every fucking bit of $25 million or whatever the fuck you got. I think it's a lot more than that. But the other thing is, don't you have a new appreciation for like just, it's almost like how much it takes to make it, like everybody, you know, it's such a collaborative thing. I'll never see it on someone's movie.
I will only do it for select people, but it does make you go, I've been involved in a few, and you go like, it's such a huge collaboration and you just don't know what's going to happen. I mean, everyone's trying their best to make the best thing, the best result, but it does when it's done, you go, man, and we all worked so hard to make this. You know what's so funny, one of the things we told me, there's a young lady, I forget her name, but she's now a director, she was our AD on the movie, and she said, you know, I forget how the conversation happened, but she said, you know, you need to really promote this movie because you do your stand-up. We were only in Serbia, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want it to do well, and she's like, yeah, but if it does well, it does well for Serbia.
Like, then people will trust that we can make movies. Because, you know, that is a weird thing, it's like, we made this movie in Serbia, and you saw the movie, the opening shot when we go to the casino, you know, and I'm not a spoiler alert, but when you see that opening shot, it's fucking gorgeous. And the reason we can afford that shot is because we shot in Serbia. Did you do the stuff that was supposed to be in LA?
Oh, no, Serbia. So even like the party of the house. Because there's so much, I want to fucking deep dive on this movie. That house, they redesigned the entire kitchen.
That's like someone's living room. And they just turned it into a kitchen, nothing worked in there. Set designers are actually the most impressive on a production view. The man cave, they built it.
They entirely built it. They paved the driveway. And what's crazy too is that they do that and it's like one scene and they're like, moving on. And they're just done with that shit.
Well, you know, I mean, I don't want to get into the weeds on this movie, but I'm very proud of it and I think I can attest that it's a lot better than anyone imagined it to be. A lot better than anyone imagined it to be. The reviews have been very, very, very kind. And like, I haven't read any, I don't read any of the critics' reviews.
I mean, it doesn't matter to me. It really doesn't matter to me. It matters to me is what the fans think. Sure.
Because it's like stand-up. It's like stand-up. If movies they like, I go, I don't get it. And so, but the reviews have been really, and the one thing people keep saying is like, this is way bigger.
This is like a real movie. I thought this was going to be some rinky-dink, low-budget movie. Well, yeah, but you had a fucking real budget. We had a real budget and we're doing great and I just want people to go out and see it in the theaters.
And that is so important for me because I think it's a movie that needs to be seen in theaters. Like when I saw Top Gun Maverick, I was like, dude, fucking, can you imagine the idiot that's like, oh, wait till it comes out on my phone. And you're like, in keeping theaters a thing because he refused to have that one go to streamers. But the other one that some people don't know is that he's been shooting the latest to Mission Impossible and he does it at Paramount.
And they were like, hand him over. And he just kept going, they're not done since he controls them. And they're like, it's been fucking like two and a half years and he's like, not done. And then when they finally were like, all right, it's a full theater window release.
He's like, guess what? It's done. And he handed them over. I'm telling you, when you, it's so funny because you watch the box office and then you go, it must be so frustrating to be like a Giovanni Ribisi or like someone who's not a Marvel star, you know, just a good actor.
And to know that you're always competing against fucking Thor and Guardians of the Galaxies and Avengers and Superman and Batman and Fast and the Furious and Little Mermaid and like you're always battling against those mega hundred million, I think Little Mermaid made 119 million. And you know that your fans are like, I got fans that I know him and I love you, but my little girl wants to go see you. And you're like, no, I get it. But to be like just a good actor, just like a solid actor who could kill it and knowing that you've got to wait for your thing, your franchise thinks that's the only way you can make movies.
I really think this whole fucking thing has been so fascinating. My biggest thing, my biggest takeaway, and look, everyone knows I love talking about me. I love talking about me. I love it.
I'm so good at it. I enjoy it. It's never bothered me. I don't notice.
Like I have a thing where when people shit on me, they're like, enough, Bert. I go, yeah, unless you like me, then it's not enough. Like, right? And so, but then I understand, I understand fucking Johnny Depp and Joaquin Phoenix and those guys.
I understand them going like, I don't know, can you just have to work I try not to repeat stories and I know I've done Ron Rogan but even like in promoting the movie you're telling the same five stories a hundred times and you're just like, you're like, oh God. Yeah. Well, and let's just get to the real me of this. Me surprising you at the premiere.
Dude, that. For people that don't know. For people that don't know. I got to also say something that I thought about a lot.
What? There really is a difference and this goes for like all people in different relationships is that there are things that are important to some, like one person in a relationship that's not important to the other person. And sometimes you have to like, like what I mean is I am not a birthday party guy. I'm not like, I'm not like.
Your wife and I were just talking about this outside. I'm not, really? We were just saying, we're watching you do Red Flags. And she said, first date.
And so we're watching you do it. It's a new podcast. And you said something and it's something people probably don't know about you and I just whispered that he's dead inside and Christina goes, oh, you're telling me. And then we started, she said, you know we're identical, right?
And I said, yeah. She said, you can just, and we were talking about you and I said, you know, and then we started talking about the premiere. Yeah. And I said, I was so silently hurt because I was like, tell the story from the beginning.
So what I was trying to say is that you come to realize that sometimes you go, well, this is not important to me. I don't mean your event. I mean going to things like I've been invited to dozens, dozens of premieres, after parties, events. And I have attended, I think counting yours now, either two or three because I have only attended for the person.
Not for like, some people go, oh, there's a thing. I'm not that person. I'm not going to anything like that. Why?
I detest events and I just don't have a good time. I'm also, I was telling somebody about as I get to the story, I go, the difference I go, if I had been my premier, Bert would have been like, when's your premier? And I said two weeks ago. And you go, I just didn't bring it up.
Because, and I'm trying to say it not like, I'm not saying it's bad, I'm saying personality wise, I would just go, I would think that you wouldn't want to go, so I didn't even bring it up because that's just how I think. I started texting you, I started texting you probably a couple weeks ago, a few weeks ago, when you were in Europe and I texted you and Joe first, I said I have a private, leaving Austin on Wednesday, going into Westbrook, I want you guys to hop on. Joe texted right away, I got to protect my parts with Arian and Shane and Mark. I can't do it, I got shows that night, I appreciate it, good luck, and then you didn't reply.
And then I went, okay, send a text to you and Christina, hang out a private, leaving Wednesday night, no reply. Send a text to you, hey man, what's going on with the premiere? Because in my head, there's a number of things, a number of things. Number one is, you know, secret time, we have business over there.
Like we have business over there. And so I was like, I want to introduce you to everyone, I want to make sure you know everyone, I want to, you know. Yeah, I remember saying to someone, I remember saying on a radio show, they're like, so it's Tom coming, I don't know. And they go, wait, what?
And I said, what do you mean? And I go, I don't know, I haven't heard from him. But to give it full story, full story. I was in Europe, and this is not a good thing, but I was there for 40 days.
That is, you know, you tour like a fucking, like a lunatic. You tour like you're in World War II. Look, the story's over, but one of the things was, I don't even, I think I probably saw one of your early texts and was like, I gotta try to make arrangements for this. And then when like, I got home, I have a wife that's not thrilled that I've been gone for 40 days.
My kids are young kids. They're not teenagers. They're young kids. And they're like, they're like, oh, you're the dad, right?
Like, it's not good. So when the idea of like, hey, you want to come here in another state, it's not like you're down the street. I was like, you know, bringing it up, I was even like, you know, hey, I'm gonna, it's like, no, you just got home. So at first it really was just like, and I honestly, I'm curious what the breakdown of this was.
I'm curious to know when I told you that, when I told you that, I really thought, because I think people with parents and kids think this way, I thought you were just like, oh yeah, I totally get it. No problem. Okay. So let me back it up.
When you said it to me the first time, I said, I really meant it. Totally get it. No worries. Yeah.
Totally get it. No worries. And then, and I did press, two things to press, and it came up, and I was like, he's not coming. And both of them were like, what?
What the fuck? What's happening? And I was like, I was like, he just got off tour from Europe, he just got home, and they're like, he can't fly off for the day. And people would make it, people would almost convince me that I should get hurt about it.
Well, I understand that. And so it built. And then I said it at dinner with a bunch of people, and I'm like, Tom's not coming? And I was like, but meanwhile, meanwhile, as you're saying that, I'm really just like, we talked about it, and you're like, no worries.
And I just take you, I take it at that. I was good. And then it started building. And then Leanne found out.
Leanne found out. And fucking lost her shit. She lost her shit. And I said, hey, she goes, is Tom coming?
And I said, no, he's not going to make it. He just got home from Europe. She was like, are you being serious? And I was like, I wouldn't joke about it.
I have no reason to joke about it. And I really was genuinely, like, I was good with it. And then Leanne sent you a text. She sent me a text.
You and Christina a text. Together. And did not include me on it and did not tell me about it. She goes, are you guys really not coming to the premiere?
And I was like, I mean, I thought we had, I thought this was, you know, I was like, and so now mind you, privately to her. To her. Really? Yes.
Okay. We replied to that text. Christina took off, oh yeah. It was like, hey, he just got home.
He's been gone for this long period of time. You know, for us to leave, for the two of us, we have to have somebody come watch the kids. We don't have somebody live in that, you know, that does, so it's like, it's a whole thing. And just thinking like, I don't know, that explanation.
And then she replied, your wife replied. She's like, yeah, I get it. Still, it really is a fucking bummer that you're not able to be here. And it's a huge night for Bert and all that stuff.
And I felt bad in that moment. No, I did not, I was not a part of this conversation or this text. But what I did then, because we, by the way, we have not had this conversation, you and I. So what I did then, was I called PR people that I work with, and I said, I would like to try to make arrangements to go to the premiere.
Can I do that? So as they're trying to make the arrangements, they remind me, and I had genuinely forgotten that. Okay, hold on, hang on. So just so, hang on.
Before that, you said to me, hey, I'm going to try to make it to the premiere. Yes. So you said, man, I got a pretty heavy text from Leanne. I called Leanne, I'm like, what the fuck did you do?
And she goes, this was her reply. They're our friends. I'm going to speak to them like, they're our friends. This isn't business.
They're our friends. If I can't speak to them the way I want to speak to them, then we ain't friends no more. And I said, I said, baby, but you got to understand. She goes, no, I don't need to understand shit.
I don't need to understand shit. I'm going to talk to Tommy, but I want to talk to Tommy, I'm going to talk to Christina, because I would hope that they would talk to me like that and respect our friends. Sounds like you're doing an impression of someone you've locked up in the backyard. Fucking, that's why I feel like I live with someone.
So I, that's why I go, babe, I already talked to him. She goes, no, no, let him reply. Let him reply. So then, okay, I send that message.
I go, hey, I want to try to make it to the premiere. Can you help make the arrangements? You know, and I'm telling you, I'm like, I'm trying to make it. I tell you.
You text me that, and I go, and now, and now, I feel like we're going to fuck. So that's like a new, that's when like a book comes out hardcover, and if it sells enough, they do a reprint in paperback. So they go, you have an event that night at Barnes and Noble that people are attending, that there's your signing books and taking photos to celebrate the reprint in paperback here in Austin. So I go, oh, and then they send me the thing.
It's already been sent out. It's been emailed to people. It's the whole thing. So I go, oh, and that, and again, I'm like, oh, I'll just tell you that I send it to you.
And it's genuine. I'm like, I have a book. I didn't open it. Okay.
I didn't open it. I didn't open it because I didn't open it. And then, and then like four hours later, you go, hey, I'm not going to reply about this. This is feeling weird.
So I opened it and I was like, and then part of me goes, I swear to God. Yeah. Part of me goes, you have someone at YMH Photoshop that to get out of this. And I go fucking, and now I'm like, fine.
And so now, now I feel like if we were going to fuck, now she just walked in and she goes, I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. And I'm like, what are the drinks for? Yeah.
She's like, I just poured him out and goes, you need to leave. And so I'm like, and so now I'm like, okay, he's, I can't, cause now my emotions are going up and down. I can't fucking deal with this. I can't deal with it.
And I don't, I don't even want to fucking deal with it. I really, really go. This is again, like, I'm just, I'm thinking that by sharing that with you, that you're like, oh yeah, dude, like, of course, I want to go back to you. Hey, no worries.
I totally understand it. And I, and I take that as like genuine. Um, and then I come in here, this is the day before I think. And I talk to Ryan, he's going, and we have a conversation.
Like, I wonder, I think I could probably try to move it. I mean, I can, you know, see what they say. I know they're not gonna be happy, but they'll move it. So I send a message right then in that moment, in that moment in Ryan's office.
And I go, you have to move the book event. And they're like, we do i'm like yeah it's the next day i'm like yeah like i gotta find me a new date um i go i'm gonna i'm gonna go to the premiere so i go but i'm not gonna tell him so just make arrangements let them know i'm coming but don't let him know i'm coming and so and then i get the idea in the morning to just start documenting it like documenting myself going yeah so i record myself and then like it was scripted i sit in front of the two fattest pieces of shit with their crying turd of a child southwest southwest with like real gross pores and um it was just yeah it was and i just the whole time i'm like god i hope he fucking sees this um oh yeah it's that one there and it's like yeah this is the premiere of the machine in los angeles i'm currently in austin and i'm going to surprise him at the premiere i told my friend to go for a really good though i actually had a book event tonight and instead i'm trying to surprise my friend at his own new premiere southwest i'm trying to break the regular folks from always in the new premiere i just want you to ever forget this dude you feel it southwest that was a whole fact i'm really surprised i'll tell you this is quite a nice surprise that's fucking great you do you describe him funny physically would you describe him funny too funny no it's super different idea not the guy i'm just trying to you're really over good at work i knew you would you were over the top and this is it coming up that was uh it was it was and this is not one of my favorite memories i'm so glad that i went and did this well it's so funny because the real humorous part of this is so i have a go back to that page real quick the instagram and go to the next the next the still photos no up on the right yeah these photos are great that's roy conrad takes the best pictures he got us in that moment it was it was fucking amazing yeah it's such i really love those those uh photos and then in front of your god you have a big head i do it's so fucking large yeah looks great on screen yeah look that's my favorite picture that's gonna be um so you know so this is the really fascinating thing yeah there should be a therapist to break this down okay so we get in um so i fly i fly to uh leanne victoria and i fly to um to austin to do rogan oh last week last week we do spots of the comedy mothership ryan comes out see ryan talking to leanne victoria um and i pull rogan aside and i'm like something's going on i can't tell something's going on i'm like really broken up i'm like and he goes is he going to premiere i'm like no and he's like what and he's not going either yeah but he's but me and you are different than me and him okay and so we i mean i start we start i start breaking it down i go i feel like he's lying something's going on he was in europe for 40 days so i'm sensing some sort of distrust we need to really get to the bottom of this as his friend he's getting bad okay we do rogan the next night and then we fly home and then i'm going that morning i'm going to premiere and i say to peter and victoria in my car now i have a syndrome that i always believe people are about to surprise me with presents every one of my birthdays every single birthday i've ever had you're like i'm like wait where's the surprise where's the surprise yeah people are going to surprise party i've never had a surprise party ever in my life i will i will my sister came out one time to visit me in la and i go there's more my buddy me just flying out and the whole time i kept looking over their shoulder i always believe someone's gonna surprise me yeah and it's and it's i'm always let down i'm always let down because i never get surprised because it's it's all in my fucking head yeah it's not real but i believe i'm getting a big surprise every fucking time so we're driving to go to the to scout the premiere and like early like fucking there's so much to this at like three o'clock to 2 30 it was actually 11 11 a.m when i turn right fucking cold water and and i turn to victoria and peter and i go i need to tell you something i go uh i always feel like i'm getting surprised i always like i'm getting surprised i just want to i want to put this out there so that you know what's going on with me if it doesn't happen i go i feel like i'm going to surprise me today and peter goes that's super interesting i said why he goes because he explicitly said the exact opposite and i went i know he goes no no he actually said hey i'm not coming and you believe he's gonna come i go i always do this i always believe it and he goes well okay you really said i swear to god in the car and victoria's like victoria's like hey if he doesn't come don't let that ruin your night if he doesn't come just enjoy it so this is a party thrown for you by you for you by you so enjoy the night i will i will i get to the thing no and red carpet the way you're supposed to do it yeah new york was not that no oh no no it was the most insane thing i've ever seen for a premiere and i was talking to like there's a bunch of producers that were there some involved in the film some not just at the thing and they were like they're like yo this shit is like they don't have premieres like this for iron man they're like i don't know what they're like this is a wildest fucking red carpet we have ever seen the red carpet was fucking insanity it was it was an entire if you go to my hey go to mine i do a walkthrough of the red carpet scroll down a little right there that one yeah and it is an entire street block like a quarter of a mile yeah and there was activations everywhere to kind of inspire people to take pictures and tag the machine that's will call we had shot skis where you put shots on a ski right there um we had dave williamson interviewing people right there we had a big punch boxing thing right there because i guess in the movie i get punched um we had food trucks food trucks aren't there right now we have food trucks lined up bars lined up there dj uh liquid death activation uh we had a little bit of waste management on the 19th hole i mean and then we had axe throwing we had flip cup and then we had the step and repeat it was all us like it was all us like it was me going i want this to be fucking epic i want fans to come down and fucking enjoy the fuck out of this i'll never forget this so so they tell me they go get there at five we're supposed to be seating at like six o'clock yeah get there at 5 40. i go you're already fucking mind you're like i'm fucking burnt i'm gonna be there i'm gonna be the only great people when they get there i'm not gonna fucking have this huge fucking red carpet and not enjoy it i'm gonna enjoy it i want to see everyone i want to say hi to everyone i just want to fucking have a blast and they're like the start of the movie shows up right when the movie starts and then that gets everyone inside i go i'm getting there at three i'm supposed to be there at 5 45 i show up at three and i greet everyone i get out of the car shirtless i greet everyone the whole time i'm looking over like going where's tom the whole time really the whole time i'm going like this where's tom and then i said and then i start getting very active i don't do interviews at cnn and all these interviews are really busy and i realize hey it's okay he's not coming it's okay it's one of the only access apparently at that moment they were trying to get me to freeze there so you could because i guess everyone was in on it yeah they was in on it yeah and so but i had already given up on you i completely given up on you and i was like he's definitely not coming he's actually not coming but i'm having a great time and it's totally cool bus with the boys lean flew them out they flew out yeah real and taylor lean is such a fucking gangster she fucking booked them tickets i didn't see you guys to answer them she had them up i was like yo i got tickets for you waiting at the airport 24 hour notice coming out to la they fucking flew out and i'm like this is awesome a cowhead flew out rover so many people flew out they're like this is totally cool this is a great night this is amazing um and i'm like i'm good and then we do flip cup and you came out and i fucking fell apart i was i cried harder than when my show did show up like well i i teared up too i teared up too i had sunglasses on but i teared up too it was it was such a fucking great surprise but i was like i said to lean you know he could have just said he was coming because i didn't know that i didn't know there's any reality to any of it yeah i could have just said he was coming and then i wouldn't have been so angry at him for a fucking day and i could have just said hey it's so great seeing you yeah she was like that's better this way yeah it was it was better it was better i um yeah i didn't expect to get emotionally i just feel like you know the difference is where it got if it was my premiere i would have been like i'm sorry man i'm sorry there was a part of me that was like i didn't mean to fucking there was a part of me that was like nervous to have you come because i was like i was like because you have to watch the movie yeah and i was like i never watched it in front of people so i didn't know if you were going to like it and then all of a sudden in the movie we get to that we're already on the train and i'm like fuck this is moving fast i was like i know what scene's coming up next let's get a big laugh oh fuck i already know oh shit we're almost done with the movie and then the movie got done and uh leah thompson came out to me i had two things after the movie happened no no no that is interesting i've been saying that name am i saying the wrong name i don't know leah thompson let's see wow i didn't know they had the same name oh oh her okay no she just was at the premiere oh okay and she came out to me and she said uh she was like through the roof about my acting and through the movie and how fun it was and she's like this is like she said all these great things first person i see and i'm like holy fuck then i see her daughter uh zoe comes out and zoe's an accomplished actress and she starts complimenting and then my dad comes out and my dad is shaking crying uncontrollably really and he goes i just i've underestimated you and this is and he couldn't talk and then me and him held i held we gave him a hug we cried together this all in the corner jimmy comes out jimmy tetro and he's like dude the fucking movies and all these compliments are showering me and i'm like i'm like i just need to hear tom i need to hear tom say that's a good fucking movie because i know you and then i go where's tom like he's at the after party already i go motherfucker motherfucker and so then i go racing over the after party and uh i race over the after party then the first thing he said was i'm like awesome i was like dude thank you and yeah so i was like that was like can i tell you something i really enjoyed the movie and i honestly was i mean i was surprised that you could act um i really thought you were just gonna be stammering through it like a joe biden speech or something but you you actually you did a really good job and i and i thought that it's a fun ride like it's enjoyable there's these huge laughs your cast is great they really they are just fantastic like the the girl that plays the russian daughter she's fantastic she's fantastic she's like a really i mean it's super super fun it's super enjoyable um and i laughed and i like it's also like feel good fun like there's a there's a nice i don't give it away but like a fun like ending to the movie which always feels like it's actually one of the most challenging parts i think to a movie is how's it gonna end yeah you know because you go on these rides and everything kind of like falls so i i really enjoyed the movie but do you remember that what i said to you like i came over to you at the after party and i go man that was really fun i laughed it was a great time i did a good movie you know i enjoyed it and then i go i go did you just fart and and you go no and you remember what you said next no you go that's just me and and then i i talked to you for another couple minutes and that smell didn't go away yeah and i was like what is that and you go that's just me yeah i was i i think i worked so much in the heat that day and i just fucking smelled like shit i just smelled like absolute shit i was like i was like man that really smells and you go that's me oh yeah i'm fucking i'm on a burner man uh i really enjoyed the movie thank you it was it was it was i'm really glad you could be part of it oh i had so much fun it was so fun there's like these there's a couple like huge laughs that i definitely won't give away but like that i really really enjoyed and i also got a couple really cool shout outs from you in the movie it was fun for the fans did you see did you see the spray paint one yeah of course and i was sitting in a section too everybody was like i was like i got it um yeah it's interesting because i feel like um the whole time i the one thing i'm excited for is if and when we get to do a project yeah the funnest part is having done this i kind of know i know what i know it works for me yeah and i know it would work for you and so that's the funnest i thought about i could hear you because we talked about the film i had seen it and i was watching it and i kept hearing what you had said which was like it's it's best when i fail yeah and i thought that too as i was watching the movie for some reason i fail really good no it's like it's a very funny yeah and um and there's i mean there's so much that i can't wait i can't wait until i can talk about the making of this movie because that was the funnest part was the getting to know people yeah and getting to know what they like and then adding it to their character like eva babich the the villain is really funny in the movie well you told the audience that's watching there's something that i that you said i don't give it away you're like she had said this about like her taste in television and film yeah and then it's in the movie right yeah it's in the movie we put it in the movie because it was so bizarre so bizarre she's so bizarre we had taught her i said this in a thing i could share this but she's a she's croatian so she's very dry like very very dry and so the first day 46 no is she what it says she's got great skin yeah she doesn't look 46 she has great fucking skin she um by the way i kissed her too you did yeah i totally forgot yeah wait in the movie they edited it out oh we had a kissing scene and it was weird when we did it because i was like i was like well there should be no sexual chemistry yeah but it was it's just a weird moment when when was it oh it was it we edited the whole chunk out um at the at the end and not not the end end but at uh the before my last fight scene we edited it all out but um she had taught her uh these nuts oh yeah yeah we said to her you know i did it to her i said we'll start with snap baby i said we got a baby she goes what's the matter baby and i said nothing's my baby what's the matter with you she didn't get it yeah she went huh i said nothing's matter baby and she goes no what's the matter baby and i went that's a joke and she goes i don't get it and she goes no it's not funny i said it's really funny and she goes no it's not and we said no it's really if you do it to an american they'll get it it's funny and this is so who she is the next day we're in the tent and fucking mark hamill comes in who's like 74 and she goes mark myself for these and he goes huh these and she goes these nuts and he goes what's that she goes i don't know and he goes it's a joke and he goes it's not funny she goes i know it's not funny and he goes why would you have me do that and i'm crying laughing i'm crying fucking laughing that's why you worked with mark hamill i know crazy right fucking bizarre to me to me it was even more bizarre to know him like to know him as a dude yeah like i know him really well and then to not to like to know parts of his personality in the way and like like it's crazy it's just crazy like i'm talking about me and he's like oh yeah mark met arnold schwarzenegger arnold wanted advice on his acting career because he was going to start doing movies on star wars so they went to lunch and mark's gonna tell you two things number one lose the fucking accent because it's never gonna work no one understands you lose the accent get an american accent number two you gotta lose the last name he's not gonna fit on marquise so lose last name lose the accent so then i go and i work out with arnold and i go hey he goes he goes your dad's mark hamill and i said yeah he goes you gave me two bits of advice when i was young lose the fucking name lose the fucking accent never listen to that guy Yeah, I gotta be very candid, because I know Arnold's team watches this and puts this in front of him. Arnold's a fucking gangster, man.
Arnold's a gangster. I think he's doing well. He's so sweet to me throughout this whole week, the first weekend. I know that.
I saw that. For people who don't know, that you did a little pressing where you went and you worked out with him at Golds, right? Yeah, we worked out at Golds in Venice Beach. And he was fucking awesome.
Dude, shout out to Mark Wahlberg. Shout out to The Rock. Dude, all those guys are solid guys who fucking reposted all my shit. Mark Wahlberg shot another separate video and posted it for me.
Did he really? Dude, go to Mark Wahlberg's feed. Yeah, let's go. Let's hear it.
Go to his feed. Burke, Kaiser. What's up, baby? Don't struggle through this video.
I started your video yesterday. I started promoting the machine. You got your gloves on. You're chained.
You were doing them hammer curls. It looked a little weak, but I gave you a character. You put all that weight in the movie. You drank a lot of beer and a lot of Wahlbergers.
But now, we gotta get you in shape for the next movie you're gonna do with me. So you can only drink Fletcher's will. You can lose weight. And you're gonna get your ass at F45.
I'm about 30 ladies. We're gonna kick the living shit out of you. They're all gonna make you feel bad about yourself because they're stronger than you. And they got more drive, more determination.
That's gonna change. It's gonna end up motivating you. You and me are gonna do an action movie together, right? Nice.
Only five chisel and training. I took a big mic from 280 to 206 in 91 days. That's pretty wild. Next, let's go.
Big action movie. Make sure everybody goes and checks out the machine this weekend. These guys, yeah. It's the biggest one of the biggest three stars in the world, man.
Stop messing around, bro. Are you, uh... Honestly, you're 270. Imagine if you did that for 90 days.
I'm pretty jacked, though. Like, I'm having a hard time getting my finger in my ear. Really? That's how jacked I am.
Because of your arms and your shoulders? My biceps won't allow it. Wow. Yeah.
No, man. I mean, him, The Rock, Arnold, they were all like... That was so cool of them to repost. Yeah.
And it's like... And they didn't need to. It says a lot about them, honestly, that they would do that. It really does.
Um, I do think, though, that the coolest thing is that you get to work out with Arnold. I do think that's the coolest thing. Can I tell you? Yeah.
When we... First of all, he is... He is a consummate celebrity. Yeah.
He is... He is everything you want from a celebrity. Yeah. He doesn't let you down.
He doesn't let the stranger down. The person that stops him and wants a moment with him. He gives it to them. And I was really blown away at, like, just how, like, generous he is.
You look like a kid. He's like telling you your dad is so nice. And you see your shoulders and your calves. And you're like...
You're like... You're like... It's amazing. Fortune.
Fortune said, yeah. Fortune was funny as shit in this. Yeah. And she said to me...
I didn't talk for the whole time. And she goes, hey, what's going on? Are you starstruck? I go, yeah, I am.
I was just... I feel like... I know that people don't see me as, like, a workout guy. But I have worked out my whole life.
And Pumping Iron is the consummate workout movie. It's amazing. It's amazing. I made him laugh in this.
I said something about Lou Ferrigno's dad being the first helicopter parent. And he goes, ah, ah, ah. He was. And then my favorite line...
I thought you were about to die right then. My favorite line is I said to him, I wonder if we posted this. Let me post it. I said, Arnold, what's the one movement you miss doing now that you've gotten older?
And real quick, he goes, deadlifts. I said, really? He goes, deadlifts. I love deadlifts.
And I said, really? I just seen on Rogan's podcast, Robert Oberst, say, deadlifts are pointless. That you shouldn't do them. And I was like, really?
He goes, like, deadlift 710. Oh, it's great for them. If you do it right, and you just watch... And you know, it's so funny watching Pumping Iron.
You watch him almost like coach everyone about bodybuilding. He's coaching everyone throughout the entire thing. He knew more about it than anyone else. And when he does that to you, it's surreal.
It's surreal. Hold it here. Now hold it. Hold it.
Let me feel this deltoid. Oh, God. This is him saying, I mean, I can cast up my body. I don't know if they have enough fucking clay.
You have to pre-order the whole shit. Dude, he was so fun. And I'm telling you, I burn it pretty hard. Yeah.
What is beautiful about his life, and I won't go into two grades, he told me to share a little bit of how his day works. Yeah. And he's just got it. He has no fucking phone.
He has no fucking phone. He's got a iPad if he wants to FaceTime his kid or whatever, you know? But he has the same schedule every day, and it's just set up to be so L.A. And he goes and works out at Gold's Gym.
Everyone knows he's there. He does the rounds. He introduced me to like 20 people. This is the next action star.
This is the next body. Isn't this great? They wouldn't let me do comedy because of my body. And now they're letting you be an action star?
He was fucking awesome, man. Like, there was so... I have to say this. I had the most spectacular two weeks leading up to this movie.
Yeah. I worked out with Arnold. First of all, I stayed at Shudders. I never would stay at a place.
I stayed at Shudders. It's fucking gorgeous. You've never been there? No, I've never been there.
Why do I go to a hotel in LA? Because it's fun to stay at the beach. It's fucking fun to stay at the beach. It's fucking fun to stay at the beach.
Yeah. Definitely overwhelmed him with my energy. I can see how that happened. Definitely overwhelmed him.
How'd that go? Not good. Not good. Were you like, what's up, dude?
I love these movies. No. I was like, Edward Norton! And Leon goes, did you just steal clapping him?
And he's like, hey, how you doing? I was like, I don't want to be a fucking actor. I don't want to be a movie star. And then we're at work with the office.
Everyone's at the office. And we get a text. Yo, Dwight Yoakam's in town at the Greek. And I forgot that I performed at the Greek.
I mean, I didn't forget, but I just was like, I wonder if we should get tickets. And then Leon's like, text the Greek. Just text your agent. So I sent a text.
And they're like, tickets will be waiting for your will call. And Leon and I always wanted to be this person. Because I don't really have much of a fucking family life, like a home life. It's all on the road.
And so we didn't even change. We just were like, let's go to the Greek. And so we got in the car. And we drove over to the Greek.
We were late. But it was cool. I go to pull in the park. And I was like, I'm texting.
Do we need like parking passes? And they're like, no. Just tell them who you are. And I pull up.
And the guy's like, what's up, Mr. Chrysler? What's up, Mr. Chrysler?
I go, hey. You can just park wherever you want. And we parked anywhere we wanted. We parked right up at the Greek.
And then we got called to the Lakers game the next night. So basically what you're saying is like, I really love being famous. I love it. I love it.
I met Chappelle. Yeah. Where? Here?
There? One night. Interact. I will tell you this.
Dave Chappelle made me. I've never met him. I've never met him. I've told him a couple times.
I've run by him. And we've been in circles. But not like a real. Never had this.
He made me feel so amazing. Yeah. He does that. Snoop.
I got out with Snoop. And Leanne. The same fucking week. Jimmy Kimmel.
They all have this thing. And I don't know if they had it before they were famous or they got it now. Dave Chappelle made me feel like that I was his peer. That I was a contemporary of his.
That I was also one of the funniest people in the world. I know I'm not. But he made me feel like that. And he made my wife feel like that.
And he made everyone in that room think like god damn it man. I need to watch more Bert. The way he talked to me. And look.
If you ask him this he'd probably say. Yeah I don't really remember. I definitely saw him. I don't think Dave did it on purpose.
I don't think he did it on purpose. But he was so gracious. He's just gracious. But he's larger than life.
And he fills the fucking room up. Jimmy Kimmel. I see Jimmy Kimmel walking at the thing. And I do not know Jimmy Kimmel.
I mean I don't know him. But I know him. But I don't like he's not a friend. And I see him.
And I just did this thing where I went like this. Like hey. And he went hey. And he came over with his wife.
He's like Bert what's up? How you doing? Congrats on the movie. I'm like is this really happening?
And he shook my hand. And he's like let's get a picture with the wives. And I was like okay. And then he's like yeah this is my way home.
And then all of a sudden I'm like. And he leaves and she goes do you know Jimmy Kimmel? I said no I don't. And then Snoop's there.
I go let's go fucking get Howard Snoop. And he's like we can do that? I go I think she can do anything right now. I think this is called Hollywood.
This is fucking amazing. We just walked back and got Howard Snoop sent 45 minutes with Snoop Dogg. And Snoop does the same thing all of them do. Where he just makes you feel like.
I think I would like to be like that. I think I do something the opposite. Where I make everyone think I'm the star. Like I think I do.
Like all these people are gracious with their energy. I think I'm like oh move out of the way motherfuckers. It was really fascinating. It was a really fascinating speech.
But everyone that you have mentioned is super famous. Yeah. So it's like it really. They can do that if they want to.
You know. Like it's nice of them. That they go I'm going to put some of this out. I say this critically as a friend.
But it's so different than Joe's energy. Really? Joe. It's also he shuns away from that.
He also doesn't want to go to anything that you mentioned. Nothing that I mentioned. The only events that Joe goes to as a spectator. Are fights.
Yeah. And he's literally going because he really wants to watch that fight. He's not going to be seen. Or he wants to like talk to people.
He's like I want to see this fight. Whether it's Muay Thai or boxing or MMA. He just goes and goes I want to watch this fight. And then he's ready to roll.
That's it. Joe has. Joe has. So if all.
I hope I'm not being too critical of anyone. All those people I mentioned. Have the. Hey come sit at the cool kid table for a second.
And they make you feel special. No. It might have been Shane. I'm sorry.
But you didn't meet Joe when he was famous. You knew Joe. So you never got to be overwhelmed by. He goes.
They said he has. Joe has the same thing. He does the same thing. He does do it to people.
Where he just gives people big hugs. And you know. What's up. He does make you feel special when you walk in the green room with the mothership.
But it's so funny that Joe I know is such a. Like pull you to the corner like. Hey. It's really weird.
Yeah. I wonder if you get to. I wonder if that happens if you know Arnold. And you're like.
Probably. He's because Joe's checking in on you as a friend at that point though. You know what I mean. The difference is that you actually are friends with him.
Where like those other people you mentioned are kind of like needing you. They're just like. Kind of. So they're trying to just be gracious.
Nice kind of super famous people in the room. Where Joe's going to be like. It's crazy man. Yeah.
It's crazy that like fame is like so weird to watch it. Like I don't know why people don't like it. Because it's cool. You can make someone's day.
You love fame. I don't know if I love. I don't know. Feels like you love fame.
I enjoy it. Yeah. I enjoy it. Like do you like it?
I think I have a different perspective on it. But. Well like I don't enjoy that many interactions. Which I think you do.
I love the interactions. Like I love when like. Makes me anxious though. Makes me anxious.
It makes me comfortable. That's the difference. It makes me feel like I'm home. Like I'm with friends.
Jesus. When people come out and they're like. Like I got on the airplane the other day. From wherever I was flying to.
I got on the airplane. And the two flight attendants. Two dudes. Were like Miss Chrysler.
And I was like what's up. And they're like. We know how you are. And he pulls out.
Double Jack on the Rocks. Like the rocks. Because I have that speech about. Never mind.
Quit drinking. And he goes they'll keep coming. And I went. Oh it's almost like I grew up with that guy.
Yeah. Like he knows me. I like it. And Leanne doesn't like it.
The girls fucking hate it. That's what I would assume. The girls absolutely hate it. Like they don't have any interest in it.
And I don't think they like that. It happens to me. But I love. I love like.
If I can. If you know. If you can make. Someone makes you feel good with giving you a compliment.
Then you can make them feel good by being nice. Then all of a sudden that's like a cool interaction. Well sure. I mean I like what you're talking about.
But I'm saying like. I think you see a large group of people. And part of you go. Like you kind of open up.
You're like oh shit. Like these people are here. I'm going to say. And I would.
I think I would just try to go like around that group. We've been going to movie theaters. I've been going to movie theaters. I've been going to movie theaters.
I've been going to movie theaters. Watching it with people. Just sitting there and watching it. And at the end.
Getting up and going. Hey thanks for coming. And people like lose their shit. Because there are people that are in movies.
They're in movies and watch themselves. It's a unique individual. Yeah. And so we've been doing it.
And it's so fun. It's so fun. To see what the fuck are you doing here. Yeah.
And they're like for real? And they're like yeah fuck yeah. And then it's I don't know. I don't know.
I'll tell you what. It makes sense. It started making sense to me while you moved to Austin. Yeah.
Yeah. Because you're more like a Joaquin Ed Norton. Where you're more about like I just want to enjoy doing the work I do. And I don't give a fuck about the other stuff.
That's pretty cool. Whereas I love the work I do. I love doing stand-up. All I want to do is stand-up.
Podcasting. I mean now movies. I mean I can't wait. I cannot fucking wait for us to do a movie together.
I cannot wait. Because I can't wait to show you what I like about it. And to see what you hate what I like. That's what you're looking forward to?
Yeah. But the creative aspect is fun. Yeah. The creative aspect.
What do you like most about making a movie? It feels like camp. Yeah. Because everyone has to live somewhere for like two months, three months.