The Monarchy Sucks w/ Jim Jefferies | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 184

Wait, who's Tom Holland? Tom Holland's Spider-Man, man. You're like my dad trying to explain Brad Pitt. Oh, fuck your packer.

Oh, that's good. Oh, I love that. Have you ever fucked somebody's smell? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and I've got a bad sense of smell. So this is an horrendous smelling person. Do you know who's ruined in this country? Who's bisexual women?

I am an ally. I am an ally. I'm a bisexual ally. 100%.

Hey, guys. Brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. And I'm here with the guy that I really want to distract this podcast with, Jim Jeffries. Oh, really?

Tom is just a ripoff of you, in my opinion. It's a dumbed-down fatter version. Tom and I are on testosterone. You're on testosterone?

Why are you on testosterone? Just get a pair of your liver. You notice the difference? Does it feel good?

I'm jerking off like crazy. Right. I mean, I might test- You wouldn't want to be single with it. No.

No, no, no. It's a married man's drug. What if they found out that there was a DNA- Like, there's types of dudes that rape, right? I'm sure, yes.

And then what if they found out that that was a genetic coding? Right. And then they could D- Why don't they do research on that shit? Because I'm sure what they do, they analyze people's brains and serial killers and stuff like that.

And I'm sure that any criminals that have died have checked if there's something going on in their head. Do they have to agree like that? Yeah, they have to donate their brain, I think. Because that was the thing in Dharma.

Dharma didn't want to donate his brain. His dad didn't want to donate his brain. And his mom did want to donate his brain. Really?

Yeah. I didn't watch the whole thing on the time. Oh, it's fantastic. The idea that that's real.

Not just that that's real. There's always like, there's serial killers right now that they don't talk about. Right now, killing. Yeah.

That are out there. Yeah. And it's like, if you don't get a Netflix special, you must feel like a hack of a serial killer. How old is it?

I always like, if Netflix stopped doing specials for me, I'll just kill some gay guys and shove me in my freezer. Not a bad idea. Like, yeah, like, yeah. You can get a fucking big series over.

I'll give you some screen time. Yeah, that'd be, they were talking about the guy, um. Not just gay guys, I can kill anyone and put him in my freezer. I'm just trying to, you know, Dharma seems to be the model to follow.

I don't know if I, if you wouldn't kill someone, who would you kill? Women would be, you'd want to start off with women. Uh, who would I kill if I had to kill someone? Nah, probably not a woman.

I'd like to feel like I achieved something. Yeah. No, I'm just saying, because women are easier to kill. I like to go, look at this thing I killed.

Like, that's why people bear heads on their walls, right? Because it's a fake. Yeah, Rogan doesn't hunt little deers anymore. He hunts elk.

Yeah, yeah. So you want to hunt elk. Yeah, you're not going to put a rabbit's head on your wall, are you? Yeah.

Okay, you're right. I don't want to kill a woman. Good. I like gay guys too much to kill gay guys.

Like, there's a part of me, when I see, like, gay dudes having fun, where I, like, my heart, like, swells for them. I'm jealous. Jealous? I wonder, I wonder, like, I just was old school where you weren't allowed to be gay.

Yeah. Like, I never had the... One of the gayest cities on earth. It's like, Sydney and San Francisco are your two top ones.

We have the biggest game Arnie Graham in the world. What is it? I'm leaving for Sydney. I think it just happened like a month ago.

It's already happened. Where are you performing in Sydney? I don't know. You've been performing there?

Yeah. It's all right, right? You're very popular in Australia. I love it.

Oh, there I am. I was in Sydney theatres. I was in Sydney theatres, but you're everywhere. And in Sydney.

Perth's a belter. Perth is where I think I'll move when I choose to retire. Really? Can I tell you?

I want to go to Exmouth. Exmouth? Yeah. In England?

No, in... Pull up Exmouth. This dude, this place in Australia. I don't know what you'd do if you lived out there, but it's fucking...

Oh, it's Western Australia. Exmouth. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. That place looks fucking badass.

Yeah, what was I thinking of Britain for? Dude, there's a guy... South Devon. There we are.

That's what I thought you wanted to live in. See, I would love to live in a town like that. It's a bit isolated. Well, it's just Britain.

That's why I like Perth. It's an isolated major city in the world. I still am a city guy. Yeah.

But I like Perth. It's still affordable. It feels like a throwback. I don't know too much.

I'm obsessed with it. Oh, you're like an excess? I'm obsessed with an excess. Okay, so I'll tell you a story.

This isn't that nice a story. So I had Tim Ferriss, the guitarist and main songwriter. No relation to Tim Ferriss, the super body hacker. No.

Tim Ferriss, the... That guy, he's like a body hacker. That's Ferris, yeah. Ferris.

I think it's Ferris. F-A-R-R-I-S. There we go. No, it's Anna Ferris.

There he is. Maybe. Who knows? Maybe.

But anyway, so he came backstage at one of my gigs in Sydney, and he was like... You know when the Jokers falls flat, but you're still happy you said it? Yeah. Because you're like, well, I was still solid.

Yeah, solid laughing. Right? So he comes backstage. I'm very excited.

Remember, I've been excesses at my gig, right? And so I remember they were the first band to have a TV show where it was like getting a new singer. After Michael died, they were going to sing. Before Pop Idol and X-Facto.

I do remember that. They had the show. I think it was called Rockstar or something like that. Now we're going to get a new singer.

And since then, I think they've had another one or two singers after that. So what happened was, Rockstar in excess. There you go. So Tim Ferriss comes backstage.

I said, so the band's still touring. And he goes, we can't anymore because I lost one of my fingers. Right? And that was his cord hand.

Right? So he's lost one of his fingers. He goes, I can't play chords anymore. So I've lost his finger.

I think it was a bowing accident or something like that. Oh my God. And like a rope or something like that. Right?

And I go, I go, okay. So he can't play. And I go, so you're telling me that your finger was more important than Michael Hutchins. Right?

I know I'm saying that to his next finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. It's like deformed.

The loss of Michael and the loss of my finger. Two things I never planned for. Holy shit. And they said he lost his sense of smell.

And then as an artist, he couldn't go on anymore. That was like the story that you heard. And then COVID came around and everyone lost their sense of smell. And no one killed themselves.

Yeah, no one killed themselves. And I was like, eh, that's it. I've never had a good sense of smell. My wife comes in the house and this place stinks and I'm like, I can't.

Oh, I have a terrible sense of smell. I have to get my wife to check my breath all the time and stuff like that. Because without her, I'm just going out in the wild. I don't think my wife's a gangster because I think she fucks me when I smell like shit.

Well, she likes her. That's why. Yeah? Yeah, she likes you.

You know what I mean? Like the good cards on the deck, right? She's doing fine, right? She can have bad spells.

She needs something to push her back a little bit. They say that about, they do that to take down Brad Pitt. They say Brad Pitt doesn't shower. You know Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt smells great. He smells like everything you'd ever want him to smell like. He's a fantastic smelling fella. Wait, how did you meet Brad Pitt?

Because Tom tries to say they mean Brad Pitt are close. I know they're not. Oh, I'm not saying Brad are close. No, but how did you meet him?

Because he was on your show. Brad was a fan of my sitcom. And then I did a little interviewing thing with him for Netflix. I think I was terrible at this interview.

I don't think I did a good job. My first interview was Brad Pitt. But then afterwards, he invited me to the Once Upon a Time in Hollywood premiere. And I came in with my wife.

And I was sitting there. And Leonardo DiCaprio was sitting behind me. And Tarantino was sitting here. And Bradley Cooper was sitting there.

And we sat down. And I went, I think we're in Brad's actual seats. Right? He'd already seen the film.

He came to the party, but he didn't come and sit down. Were you supposed to go to your own premiere? He'd go to the red carpet and the thing up. But I think he'd seen the movie so many times.

Or maybe there's people who don't like watching themselves in the premiere with the audience. I don't like watching my own stuff. I love watching myself. I love it.

I love it more than anyone. By the way, congratulations on the trailer. Thank you. I don't know if the movie's going to be great.

Who knows? But the trailer alone has me psyched. And you can already tell. Even if the movie's not amazing.

And I'm not saying it's not going to be. It might be the best film. I already know I'm going to have some good laughs in that film. I already know there's moments where I'm like.

And even not just saying the laughs I've seen in the trailer. It's just the bits that are around what just happened. Yeah. And your physical comedy.

Spot on. Oh, thank you. You're trying to jump off the ground with that ninja thing on your back? Yeah.

Funny. That was a. I was really proud of that. I thought I'd be more physical than I was.

Oh, yeah. No, that's the trailer. The. Can you give me another water, please?

It's a bad guy. I came and sat in his seats. And then afterwards, we go to the after party. And I'm like, Brad, were they your seats?

He goes, yeah. I've already seen the film. I've done that impersonation in front of him once. It did not go down well.

Really? Yeah. I was on a thing we were doing for the TV show. And he was there on a Zoom call type of thing.

And I was like, you know. And he went like this. Really? Like, am I like this?

Whoa, dude. And I'm like, no, no. You're not? He saw me doing a Keanu Reeves, basically.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you my best Brad story. Look, the nicest fucking guy. And I'm not Tom Zagero close to him, right?

I don't think Tom Zagero is Tom Zagero. But he was my weatherman. He wore a linen fitted, like, custom suit. What's the word for custom?

Tailored. He wore a linen tailored suit. That he was our weatherman like three or four times. He recorded most of them in two days.

And there was no audience there. We just recorded them very quickly. Although, mind you, when he came on to be the weatherman on my show, it turns out like cameramen's wives were showing up for rehearsal. Oh, of course.

All of a sudden, like, all the writers, all the female writers in my writers room who didn't watch it with me when I recorded it, they just watched it in a screen in a different room. All of a sudden, they showed up to sit there. Like, if we said, like, Pamela Anderson in the prime is coming down to your show. I think Pamela Anderson now.

Pamela Anderson anytime. If you want to hit it, you can hit it. Anytime. Anytime Pamela Anderson, right?

If we said Pamela Anderson's going to be in the show, and then every, like, female employee's husband just showed up on set just there, we would be in a world of fucking trouble. It's like your joke. It's like your joke. I hope this baby's white.

So, Brad had this suit, Taylor's suit. I don't know if Brad knows this story. I don't know if you listen to your podcast. I might get in trouble for this.

He does not listen to my podcast. We might listen to this. You might listen to this because it's time. So, Brad, if you're listening, you might be hearing this for the first time.

I love, I love, there's things that happen with celebrities that you keep on the DL where you just tell your friends, and then keep going. I'm excited. Yeah, this one, I may just keep on the DL, but, you know, look, look, look. And also, no one comes out of this story badly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so, my show gets canceled, right? And then I get a phone call from the wardrobe department two days later. We have Brad Pitt's suit here.

Should we send a runner to drop it off at his house or something? We don't know where he lives. I said, I'll call him. I text him very rarely, right?

So, I text him, hey, Brad, we got the suit. I said, I can send someone, or I can drop it off. What would you like me to do? And he goes, ah, just give it to Goodwill, right?

Now, I have a Brad Pitt tailored suit. I'm not going down to fucking Goodwill. What's the first thing you do when you hear that that is now yours to dispose of? Give it to Goodwill and buy it right there.

No, no, no, you just try it on. Yeah, you try it on. Now, it turns out, dimensionally, I'm a bigger man than Brad Pitt. I'm taller.

You're almost 6'1". And so, but also, I'm fat. He's not fat, right? He's ripped.

You're dimensionally bigger than Brad Pitt. Now that you say that, Brad Pitt was like a big dude. No, but he's got a good shape. If you bring up Brad Pitt, weatherman, you'll find the suit, right?

Okay, so there he is. There's the suit, right? There it is, right? So, this suit does not fit me in any way.

It does not in any way. But I take it, I put it away, and then my dad comes over to America for Christmas. I wrap it up, and that's his Christmas gift. And it turns out, it fits my 82-year-old dad fucking perfectly.

Are you serious? Perfectly. And my dad is so out of touch with, he's never been on the internet. He watches a few old films.

He's so out of touch with things. And I said, he goes, oh, a suit. He goes, he doesn't ever own a suit. He's a carpenter who's retired now.

What need does he have for a fucking suit? Is someone getting married? Is someone dying? That's his suits, right?

And so I go, this isn't just a suit, Dad. This is Brad Pitt's suit, right? And then my dad goes to me, he goes, Brad Pitt. And I said, the movie star.

Movie star, which one's he? And I started listing movies, Meet Joe Black and all this stuff. He hasn't seen any of them. He's like, ah, he's famous, is he?

And I go, he's very, very famous. Yeah, I said, he's right up there. Without argument, top five. Without argument, maybe number one.

Without argument, top five. And my dad's like, and people will know who he is. I go, yes, that's what fame means. Yes, people will know who he is.

And so my assistant comes over a few days later. And my dad turns to Jack and he goes, Jack, can you get me a laminated photo of Brad Pitt wearing this suit? Because he can't just Google Brad Pitt wearing this on his phone and show people. So he cuts it so it's in the breast pocket size.

My dad wears that suit with a picture, a laminated picture of Brad Pitt wearing that suit in his top pocket, right? That is fucking... And that's how he goes on dates now, right? And he goes, because he starts going, my mum died three years ago, my dad's back on the scene.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he goes out in that suit and he goes, I'll tell him it's Brad Pitt's suit and I don't think it is. And then I'll wait till they lose interest or they get annoyed by me or whatever. And then boom, out with a photo.

And they're all interested again. Oh, that's great. He said he's been in bars where the girl he was with lost his shit so much of his Brad Pitt's suit. Other young women in the bar came up and asked to wear it and take photos.

Like he was like, Brad Pitt's suit jacket. Like in Australia, Brad Pitt's suit jacket's a big celebrity. That's fucking... God.

No, no, no, I don't think Brad would be upset. He's in the stand-up comedy. He comes out to stand-up comedy. He's, you know, it's weird though, because I, you brought him up, I didn't bring him up.

I tried to bring him up because people always ask me about him. It's a fucking, it's a weird friend to have. Yeah, yeah. Because he is, like I said, like you said, top five actors, famous actors in the world.

And holding down in the history, he's one of the biggest movie stars ever. There won't be movie stars like the way he was a movie star. No, I think this Austin Butler might be the next lad. Who's Austin?

He's Elvis. Oh. He's the next good looking lad. Let me pull up Austin Butler.

Austin Butler, you would, you would take more testosterone just to get there. Oh my God, he comes like John Travolta a little bit. Yeah, but he's very pretty. He dated Vanessa Hutchins, and then I think he's broken up with her.

Did I just meet this guy? He was Elvis, man. Have you seen him now? He's been interviewed afterwards.

He made that maybe three years ago during COVID, and he's still talking like Elvis, dude. For real? Yeah, the guy's like, I do a joke about this. I go, he's caught in character.

I go, the guy who played Darvus is like caught in character. Like, of course, because Elvis is cool, man. What's his name? Austin Butler.

Austin Butler. Does he have an Instagram? Ah, if it is, it's probably covered in women's juices. Like, fucking, look at this guy.

It might come. He's got zero posts, 3.8 million. Zero posts. Tom Holland, right?

He's got a few photos. Tom Holland, I'm somewhat friends with his father. Wait, who's Tom Holland? Tom Holland's Spider-Man, man.

Oh, okay. You're like my dad trying to explain Brad Pitt. I fucking, I'm a bad one. I'm a bad one with celebrities.

I'm a bad one with celebrities. He's 61, 67.1 million followers. Holy shit. Who's Tom Holland?

Well, he's been, I've seen him in Spider-Man. I know him. He wouldn't do your movie. I'll tell you that much.

Tom Holland made me cry. Why? Because of the fucking, when he dies in the, oh my God, ruin it. It made me cry.

My daughter goes, are you crying over Spider-Man? Tom Holland's dad is a guy called Dominic Holland, who was a stand-up comic on the British circuit. No way. Yeah, yeah.

And I remember once being at a festival and meeting Tom Holland at, he would have been five or something like that. He was with his dad, right? And it was like, and so I always tell my son, I knew Spider-Man as a four-year-old. My son, that blows my son's brain.

Like, you know when you say something like that. How old is, is his dad funny? His dad's very funny. He does a lot of stuff as a colonist.

stuff like that as well he's like an intellectual type of comic not like yeah not like what i do not like what we do but it's crazy because tom holland played um who was the kid who danced in sheffield on the street in the musical there's a musical billy elliott oh yeah he played billy elliott in the west end was his first gig as a kid and then he went on to become spider-man and all that type of stuff but uh that's one of those things so he's got a British accent yeah he's english yeah why i thought he's american yeah we can do the accent we just do it okay who do you think can do better you do english i'll do australian all right okay but i'm that's doing english english is a tricky one you want me to do american i'll do yours yours and i become like a pirate no i was trying to say today when an australian girl wants to suck your dick oh i'll suck your pack up oh i go on put it in me oh oh that's good oh i love that that's fantastic oh my god and now and now i've been away from australia for so long it's been 20 something years right and i'm like i can't go back to that voice i don't think i can go back to having sex with australians nothing look i love australia i love australia but that voice reminds me of some pretty rough times and pretty rough girls in my teenage years oh my god oh my god all right put it in all right so i always keep my american down and sort of deep into the throat if i go upwards it sounds very homosexual yeah and that just sounds like every american to me that's you all sound like just california camp like i i have to try to keep it sort of lower and uh but then i have problems with words like uh i'll still say zebra yeah i'll say the word wrong with the accent rather than zebra something like that yeah why do we call it zebra it's just one e look everyone calls them zz top no one calls them zz top i'll tell you that much so maybe you're in the right i've been living in different countries so long i'm not sure what my words are anymore i don't know if i'm courgette zucchini or whatever eggplant or aubergine aubergine is eggplant that's what i think the brits call it aubergine you call it eggplant then we have zucchini courgette something else then we have capsicum peppers capsicum capsicum is red and green peppers yeah really how long have you been away from home i moved i moved at uh 21 i'm 26 now i'm 46 i'm 46 i can't imagine i left at 21 being away from home i mean i've lived out now longer than i lived there i've lived out of australia i don't think i just did a game show in australia like a legit game show hosted it yeah man really yeah it's coming out in like two weeks called the one percent club and it's a proper like for 100 000 here is your question right uh there's a british version that's hosted by lee mack who's a british comic and it's like you stand in this arena with 100 people around you and they all answer questions and the first question is a question that 90 population can get and so we lose 10 players and like statistically we should lose 10 players and then 80 70 so they're all iq questions so you can't study up a 10 year old has the same chance as a seven year old sweet like what would be what would be a question here's like an easy one that like 70 people can get in 30 seconds um uh what's it what's it what's at the beginning of summer and the end of christmas what's the beginning of summer the end of christmas 15 seconds hold on what's at the beginning of summer oh spring the letter s it's not that hard but here we go oh god this is oh here's a 50 question right so type out on the screen so you can visually see it h-o-r-o-b-o-d okay now what what what um what fictional character are you seeing in code right now in code yeah what fictional character are you seeing in code you have 15 seconds 10 seconds five seconds in code the answer is rob in hood this isn't are you serious rob in hood yeah i think that was a 50 i think that was a 50 jesus this is oh this is gonna be a good show i believe there's an american version coming out um uh i don't know who's hosting it i i may not be me i heard it might be um on amazon but i might be wrong about that but um but i know the production company there because i was there like hey i can host the american one as well they're like no because you don't really get foreigners hosting game shows you get us hosting late night shows and stuff like that but you like your questions read in your own accent that's i don't know what american guy you could get to post that well it's just that seems those seem hard as well there's only about 13 questions per episode over an hour episode and so the rest of the time but the problem is so the people who get knocked out on the really real easy questions are like just what photo's wrong here it'll be like a picture of um uh buzz older on the moon holding his helmet right that's like the 90 questions so there's people get knocked down on those questions man and as a comedian you kind of have to go on you can't just go oh it's bad luck oh well you're out i hope you had a good day world you live on yeah and other games that's why they need a comedian because you have to go you're a moron yeah there's no dancing around it good god and then as you get a bit further you become more complimentary with people oh you made the simple but you ask you know 100 people you're asking each time what do you what do you do for a living what would you do with the prize money uh here with anyone uh what's the promise money is it um so if you get through to the final round and you get to the one percent question uh get up to that one percent questions for the one percent club from the british one you'll see these questions like as i read the answer i still don't know what the fuck's going on i still don't know what the fuck's going anyway so if you get to the one question you can only take 10 grand home there or you can risk it all for 100 grand for the one question we're filming the episode i can tell you we gave away some money okay here we go these are 90 questions which one of these photographs has to be wrong so we've got to you know which one's that one that's the way no it'd be b because it's missing the other two lights i believe wait wait it's only got one line on it how have you got an extra how has your brain got an extra house just for podcasting how does this happen i don't think which one has to be wrong but why can't you go because you have two other lights on it it's only got one light yeah but yeah but if you're only looking at the green the other two aren't illuminated they would still exist well i don't even know the left one let's go to the next answer did you click it nope oh wait a minute are there lights there yeah they're just not illuminated i was trying to think is green at the top or is that's not a sign eh fucking hell i used to fucking show as well okay which of these is another girl's name well this is problematic all right lc kt ivy yeah all right now explain how many times does the letter i appear in the numbers from one to 99 when spelt out how many times appear in the numbers from one oh yeah the numbers from one to 99 when spelt out you gotta think what's gonna name it nothing 80 doesn't have an idea it sounds like it 40 30 okay zero zero zero one two three four five six seven eight nine ten no zero zero zero zero all right uh these tennis players are identical twins they always dress the same way very easy to tell them apart how one's right yeah that one's an easy one you're barreling through now i know those dudes yeah which of these has the wrong color background uh i would say the kite uh bed red blue blue crown brown kite green that's how you got there because that's how i got there no i got there yes it was the first one no i was like the sky can't be green everyone else could be the thing they wanted to be this isn't good for me the glue's just in the sky all right take a good look at this picture which candle will burn down first uh i got my answer what is it it's b it's b because yeah there we go keep going 1435 what number do you get if you multiply all the numbers on the telephone keypad together fuck me i got this one i got this one what zero why because you're multiplying by zero anything times zero zero so there's zero in there yeah so one times two is one one two times zero that would take me three minutes yeah yeah all right that's a good one here's a picture showing someone taking a photograph themselves in a mirror in reality is this person's watch on their left wrist or their right wrist wrist uh i'm gonna i'm gonna say i'm gonna say it's left because you just look forward like that it's left yeah but who takes a picture with the buttons buttons cameras are on the right side the mirrors you're looking at the mirrors the buttons on the camera's always on the right side so it's on the right wrist because he's holding it with this side no i think it's left you think it's left i don't know there's no way to find out number 20 number 20 with this with that hand yeah it's because you'll be staring into it right now it looks like he's looks like this last rest yeah you're staring into it yeah yeah uh which letter of the alphabet is used most often in this question i i'm at this stage of the game i'm on i try to play along with the contestants right now i'm just like ah what's the next question does that be t i don't know i don't know how many answers are these how many answers are these we're just guessing all right 15 so there are these ones which hand is the odd one out in the sequence hey there's the only one that's the right hand the other is the left yeah you're right yeah yeah i think we had that one yeah i think i had a small advantage uh which is the small i had a slide up ahead uh which new letters are missing from this tongue twister two letters so you got two letters uh s and e she sells she sells on the seashore god damn that's a good one that's a good one all right uh one percent question one percent now we're done this is for all okay before you see the question i would go i'd buy a car and i would i would help out some you can do one of those things yeah you can do one it's almost you can put a deposit like it's a lot of money life-changing money for people right so you don't have a little less get you out of the whole oh yeah that's what it is yeah it's uh it's getting your business started up it's get the mortgage people off your back it's not the moniker you think it is when you hear a hundred thousand dollars i did this game show for a hundred thousand dollars and you ask people they have these pie in the eye dreams and you're like hundred thousand at the end of the day but isn't what it sounds like yeah it's like saying you're a model you're like well she's a foot model oh i i i signed up for a comedy special deal very early on in my career for like three comedy specials like 50 000 pounds for real yeah but i was like i had no money i went from i never had money my whole life i did week to week my entire life right and someone offered me 50 grand dude i did it for 10 yeah yeah but then in the end i got out of the deal i had to pay him off plus extra money and that type of stuff i did my hbo special which didn't pay me less than that right and at the end my hbo should put me into debt because i had to pay off that other for real contract to get out of it i'd already pay taxes on it all sorts of shit right and so so i knew it was a better way to go because i was locked in for three but it was like okay so one question question what is the first number okay i shouldn't say that one time uh on the show my reading so bad dyslexic right yeah and so the screen is the question me reading it is inconsequential to the entire um show it doesn't matter because you can just read it on the screen on the tv i'm just a distraction right but i i'm reading it and i got it wrong i hear my earpiece read it again you got it wrong like that i think i think the guy got an extra 10 seconds and that gave him a chance to win yeah i can't read my reading it's horrible yeah i have to talk about it uh definitely more contestants go through because of my bad reading there was a uh a headline one time that i saw and what i i it said we need to stop tyranny in the united states and i thought it said tranny and i went what the fuck i'm like reading it going like as if that needs to be written yeah that should just be implied that's a waste of a billboard god damn it we need to get on top of this what is the first number that when spelled out has its letters in alphabetical order that's the first number that when spelled out has its letters in alphabetical order it's uh fuck me so you gotta go low they're all quite i'm gonna guess i'm gonna guess four four i would say four five feature why because i is before oh yeah but the e's at the end no it's spelled out alphabetically in alphabetical order is the first number oh oh in alphabetical order oh christ yeah write the question now what's alphabetically first would be five what what is it yeah 40. ah i panicked i panicked i don't know where the o and the you are and what happens in the show is while the 30 seconds is happening they've got me doing some pretty shitty jokes you know what i mean because you've got to talk over the top and i'm doing jokes about mathematical questions like oh you know i'm doing seven eight nine you know what i mean oh these are all the hey you candles lit should be the red light at the top okay good should be the red light i was out in the very first question i was just reading it because the two lights didn't exist yeah yeah i was out in the very first fucking question yeah red light not green light at the top anyway so fun game i'll tell you what's good about the game is as i said you can play with your 10 year old yeah play with your mom and everyone it doesn't matter because because my mother used to this used to be a sailor century my mom loved that she knew so much about like knowledge right so we used to play this game every night i love game shows but my mother would always be like no the temple fountain they're far up the horse she'd go through all the things like that right and so what i used to do is every now and again if i knew she was going to be away or something i'd record like on a video i'd record a video of that the episode she missed and then i would actually go to the bathroom and i'd put the video in and i'd already studied up oh and i'd sit there and i'd just be like an 11 year old genius just be like number 42 i'd like to be on the top yeah but i'd always get over an ad break when they went now in the news oh were your parents married when your mom passed yeah they were married um yeah they were almost 50 years about they're about uh two weeks off um their 50th wedding anniversary holy shit and um my parents um they met in england they're both australians who were backpacking around europe really they met each other in england and then they came straight back yeah so we always had a very we always had a much love for we were anglophiles we liked the uk wait did you watch the queen's coronation no no the funeral the funeral i was in my wife's british i was in england for my sister-in-law's wedding it just so happened the queen died while i was out there right yeah and then i had to come home you know i couldn't leave england because no planes were to fly overhead during the queen's funeral i was stuck there for a couple of days really pushing my flights back holy shit my mother loved my mother used to the easiest way to upset my mother like if she walked into a room to make her like furious and like you do it about twice a year you'll use this about twice a year she'd come in and you got this mom i think i've videotaped over princess diana and charles wing she pulled the lugs out and everything i thought it was something else she thought that beat a max video of princess charles and diana's wedding the holy grail of life i remember watching that live she would sit there and watch it about once a month are you serious there in the pomp and the sand my earliest memories of prince william being born i don't remember him being born i remember their i remember their wedding i i think i have in case you know you know there's famous people yeah right and then there's people who are like so i'm friends with the guy rob neill who shot bin laden right okay so i misheard that yeah so he's famous amongst famous people like everyone wants to meet me because it's such an interesting story i have another one i know the bloke who dressed up as bin laden with a large merkin like a pubic hair wig on in a dress wearing a turban and sneaked into prince william's 21st birthday and stole the microphone while he was on stage giving a speech right that's one of the greatest if you get if you get uh aaron barshak is his name um bin laden there we go there's the bloke right so he was standing at the front of windsor castle yeah one of the oldest castles in the world he was standing at the front he used to call himself the comedy terrorist there he is with his merkin hanging out right aaron's whole gig was what aaron used to do is he was not getting enough stage time so he used to dress like bin laden in the early 2000s in the early 2000s he would dress as bin laden he would jump on stage steal the microphone from the company go i'm the comedy terrorist and get as many jokes out as quickly as he could before someone tackled him or dragged him off really or they boot him away right so he was always trying to get something done so aaron stood out the front of windsor castle danced around in a turban and dressed dressed like bin laden at the front of william's 21st birthday all the royal family's going in there the fancy dress i believe is called colonials and settlers or something they're all dressed like this is madness prince william's 21st birthday i believe everyone was dressed like zulus and shit there was a lot of cultural appropriation no blackface do i know they were wearing like like yeah they look like they were wearing outfits from coming to america right wow anyway so so uh uh anyway yeah so that's someone showing up to the party there shut the fuck up yeah that's some posh can't do that now that's some posh cut from eton right oh my god that's fucking great this is only in the early 2000s right holy shit so they all rocked up in those outfits right now he's dressed as bin laden with a turban with a pubic hair wig he jumps over the fence of windsor castle right and just like doesn't know what to do okay he's just wandering around and one security guy comes up and goes excuse me what are you doing he's private school educated aaron right so he can put the voice on so he just goes oh i've had too much to drink and i've got myself i've walked out some door to have a cigarette and i don't know where i am right and the guy the guy laughed walked him through six checkpoints this guy got lost walked him back into the party the security walked him into the party then he's standing there dressed as bin laden and they're all dressed as fucking zulu warriors yeah yeah so he just sort of fits in they're like oh this guy's gone for it right he didn't look out of place at prince william's 21st birthday dressed as a son of bin laden right then then he got on stage he steals the microphone off william william thinks it's one of his chums doing a trick on him or maybe harry's done something and he stood there aaron gets up and does his stand up he's never been on stage this long he runs out of material after about five or six minutes and he's just there and he sort of goes oh i'm not i'm not meant to be here and he tells him i should be kicked out right so aaron gets aaron gets locked into a dungeon it's a fucking castle man he gets thrown into the dungeon right holy shit back where henry used to put his wife yes yes it's the very same so he's thrown into a dungeon and then fucking the guy that the main security guy walking through he's standing in front of the cell like this and he goes and this is very funny like he goes oh you're in trouble mister you're in so much you can't believe how much trouble you were in and then aaron goes not as much as you because he's the guy that guy's that guy's not as much as you his job's over yeah he's gone he was standing six feet from the queen and prince charles everyone the next six people were in line for the throne he was standing there dressed as a son of bin laden on stage he was walked in by a security guard so whenever you hang out with aaron that's a great story that's as good a party story as you'll ever have that is the best wait so how much trouble did he get in nothing the royal family don't want to press charges it's the same thing as when the guy broke into buckingham palace they don't want to press charges you can do anything to the royal family um and if you get caught they'll just kick him out because there's maybe enough securities that this will never happen yeah second of all if they press charges they might have to go to court if he pleads innocent they might have to go testify and they don't want to have like a johnny depp amber her thing with the royal family oh my god so they just go we're good and they act like as a point of decency we want to deal with this man's mental health and make sure he gets the care that he needs but behind closed door they're like are you fucking kidding are you fucking there was a contrast as bin laden in a turban in a dress and you walk him through oh my god wait what are the odds you'll ever meet one of the royals um i've done he used to you can do gigs he was anyone he could do gigs up at st andrews when he was at university and he'd be at the college university um other than that it's like my mother loved the royal so much it's like i always paint myself as edgy so i'll get less edgy with age but it's always like this tough guy comic you know what i mean but here's something about me man my mom loved the royal family that if any member of the royal family was visiting australia and they visited on the regular yeah there always be one of them coming over right we're part of the common i would have to stand on the side of the fucking road holding a bunch of flowers in the hope that one day i'd get to hand them directly because the queen would talk to one in 20 people who gave the flowers the rest of them you gave to like a carer person who there's this woman walking behind her just flowers of flowers one time i passed off some flowers that got to diana like they were passed on she thought that you know like that's that's that's my mother's dream that one there the uh i was listening to a podcast about the queen this morning about her that she was technically the first it was the first royal to ever be uh affected by uh media like with like televisions that her coronation they sold i forget they sold like uh 20 million televisions like they sold they sold televisions out the ass and it was the most watched thing in britain ever because everyone had televisions but then they were talking like she had to deal with like public public relations nightmares like there was that that town that got yeah in wales where they dig out the car that's horrific yeah and then she was like i'll wait eight days i'll let them wait something and it was like a fucking it backfired on them i didn't know that she was an assassination i would i look i'm not a monarchist i believe australia should be a republic i believe the royal family is silly to have a monarchy i think it's cool but i i'm a big fan of hers i like her i thought i thought she did a shitty job well right she had to do 400 engagements a fucking year she shaked three million fucking hands three million and every single one of those has a story about when and what she said and whatever and they just it's all over for her right like that's a kind of a job she was doing it right up until she died right i think it's a stupid job but i think she did it well i think it's so funny i never knew anything about it and i watched the crown and i was like oh that's pretty interesting and then you fall in love with her because you go oh she didn't want this job she didn't want like she didn't want her dad died she was on vacation in africa she shouldn't have ever had it because her uncle he um advocated so her line of family should have never had it and then there's the king's speech so that was that was the whole thing so you get the king's speech is the first time that radio and he had to talk and talk about the war so he had to deal with talking in public on radio like please and we're gonna make a fucking movie out of this you're doing morning radio yeah morning radio hung over and he's just like yeah they are coming yeah and so then she was the person on tv and then arguably megan markle's the first person to deal with so um uh social media interesting well i look at so my wife right my wife uh is a mixed-race indian woman from the uk right so when she born there yeah my wife's on there can i say i feel like indian people are more british than anything oh there's a lot of indian people in the uk yeah yeah i know that i heard that like that curry is only good because of the uk uh indian food is a different thing from indian food in the uk but yeah the uk one is that's the best meal you'll ever have best indian food i've ever had in my fucking life yeah and then you've got areas like in manchester you've got curry mile which is a mild curry like it says on the tinder right um but uh uh what was i talking about oh so megan markle so my wife is my wife looks more indian than than white but either either either right yeah yeah tasey lawrence t-a-s-i-e there's my wife right yeah i can see it that's a very white picture but yes my wife's mixed race british indian you know what i mean and so so tasey uh when megan markle was being interviewed by by um uh oprah and then she told there was a member of the royal family my wife was pregnant at the time yeah because there's a member of the royal family who questioned what skin tone the baby would have and oprah clutched her pearls at that moment and went oh how did you and my wife as a mixed race british woman who loves megan markle because she identifies with her my wife's actresses my wife's just like megan markle right and so she's just like this my wife was just like i can't believe and i went we did that yesterday yeah yeah we did that with your mom and dad and my dad it's the same we go how tall do you think they'll be what hair color do you think they'll be do you think they'll have your eyes or my eyes i wonder how dark the skin will be right yeah it's not racism everyone wonders this it's a question yeah i want kids to look like me yeah i mean that's what happened and when georgia was born uh she came out and immediately like wow she looks like her dad immediately my son looks identical to me the new one yeah crazy yeah i got a 10 year old and a one year old yeah and it's kind of upsetting because my wife's a good looking one and you'd like them to have like i didn't impregnate ugly people for a reason you know i mean because i wanted my kids to stand a chance that's great and then comes out looking like me like ah it'd be funny you can only get you so fucking far it'd be nice to have some looks well chris rock said in his crystal that black people do it well but this is the thing because i have a mixed race child you do you wonder what i guess because i'll tell you the hell that i've had with sunscreen i went to legoland yesterday it was overcast i got a bit of sunburn on me i thought i got everywhere there was it was no sun out yesterday it was an overcast day and i still got sunburned i'd like to i'd like to have a bit more going on yeah a bit more going on you're shirtless all the time i i tan very well i'm red i'm red a lot lately like i'm red i think i spent too much time i spent way too much time on travel channel i fuck my skin that's why i enjoyed britain because i didn't put sunscreen on for about a decade yeah and i was i remember just thinking oh yeah you were you were you were the definition of british comic in my opinion like when i when i first discovered british comics you had you had like a rock star look and you're and you had a fucking cavalier attitude towards stand-up of like we'll just figure out what happens i remember going like that is the coolest shit we didn't have that we didn't have or you were like the first rock star comic because we didn't have that in the states we had a tell norton uh like like there was like patrice like you came over and you and you had a you i remember you have a pint on stage and everything was casual but you were stylish well i appreciate that i don't look like a rock star anymore but i i i yeah i think that that was uh edamore festival culture yeah because the edamore festival was um everyone was just wasted the whole time it was like and drugs were super in and it was just but it's culturally the british comedy scene isn't like that anymore really yeah there was an era where everyone was a bit more wild i just did i just did um a tour in the uk with uh two of my best mates uh glenn wall and andrew maxwell and they're still going hard andrew maxwell is uh is a uh irish comedian even says that on his thing he looks like an irish comedian oh yeah yeah he was on a celebrity get me out of here he was in the jungle recently but uh he's i know it was uh uh glenn wall i know glenn wall i know glenn wall glenn wall canadian comedian i know glenn wall he's great he married a british bird as well and he glenn wall uh his career has been in the uk for the most part he came out to america and does some gigs yeah but for the most part he's uh been a uk guy and so what did you guys do we two at every major city of the uk and we did belfast and we did dublin as well so when we do it like tom's leaving i think tomorrow to go to the uk but when we do what we do london manchester uh uh what's the one place in scotland and uh and dublin but we don't do it i always wanted to do all of it like i wanted to tour like i want to do it a month we're touring everywhere i do you know i i do birmingham and i do nottingham and i do sheffield i do manchester i don't i don't do liverpool because there isn't quite a right-sized room for me um it's not too big or too small yeah and uh uh then you know uh belfast dublin we did cardiff you know we did 40 000 people you know we did like a lot of a lot of towns and a real good time it's such a great place to tour because the next day you get in a van not even a bus you wouldn't even have a bus because who needs it the next drives two hours right i did a bus yeah i did a double-decker bus it was the greatest thing i've ever done i did i took it into europe i took it we took the the fucking from what's it over to normandy yeah yeah it was the greatest thing i i would do again i made no money on the tour i'm certain i had a posse of like nine with me it was i had it was it was fun i used two openers i used to use one but then people used to i used to have one open doing like 30 minutes and i do like an hour and a half right and with a person doing 30 minutes sometimes you get and i always take comments i think are really good i've never taken to someone for company the first job is you've got to be a good comic right all my openers are great and uh uh but then you get people go i didn't like the opening you'd read on ticketmaster and take the staff and you're like well that was just you didn't even have to have one yeah i didn't advertise one i just gave you a cut right so then i started thinking i'll put two people on to do 15 minutes and i'll try to make them slightly varied comics so that the audience gets a bit more variety so if you don't like one you like another one because you want people in a good movie when you come out um and we're about to do mean forest uh for sure and aimless gill are about to tour uh the uk uh europe as a sunday we're doing everywhere man europe so you do uk as one and then you do i come back i did uk as one i come back for two weeks and then i'm doing europe this is my last big tour for the year after that i'm just doing casual gigs i got kids man i can't be i can't be curious and i fucking wrote to the day at high yeah but this is like six weeks on stop this one and we're doing we're starting off in milan we're ending up in retrovick and holy shit in is your international is your international fan base that big i don't think oh i do these i'm not i'm not doing what you do arenas and stuff like that these are you know two thousand cities the big fucking that's what i do in europe i do that's what i can't i mean i berlin i do i do the scandinavians i do really well the scandinavians love grubby men yeah they love us yeah i think it's because they're so put together and then to say look at this like shambolic man he's dancing around and saying outrageous things this is cool time for me we were doing we get up we get up and do uh do polar plunges and saunas every morning i fucking love that you know they always go because they're into death metal there as well hardcore yeah really heavy metal death metal right and so the main thing i get coming to people because i played i played scandinavian countries right i keep going there right and uh and they always come and they make me like this i really enjoyed the show but uh i was more offended last time anyway yeah like oh that's what they're coming from they want to be shocked yeah and they want to be confronted and they they they so i was more i was more offended but still good jokes i laughed a lot but it's not as offended yeah i don't have i don't have anything offensive in any of my acts anymore i feel like i feel like i feel like i'm i'm turning into an old man all right my last match i think was one of my most offensive ones and i just i think it was like my old man right wing one yeah like because i'm a pretty left wing sort of fellow but occasionally i'm getting older like this ah fuck off everyone you're irritating yeah i have a pro abortion joke in my new special whatever i'm doing right now that i that i only was doing in mississippi and alabama i was only doing it in the south because i wanted to see you know i always wonder who your audience is and i was like i wanted to see if my audience genuinely was comedy fans like if the joke was good enough they'd like it and and i tried it in mississippi and it murdered it murdered babies babies and so uh but i always find those places where you get the biggest response for a joke where the majority of the population agrees with the opposite side right so because with every culture you've got a counterculture so you go to mississippi like so me and you might be pro-abortion we might be anti-abortion but here in la if you meet someone who's anti-abortion who gives a fuck they're not the norm you meet someone who's pro-abortion that's not interesting yeah right because that's everyone you meet but imagine you're living all my religious stuff always works better in the south when you say god isn't real because the people who have had it shoved down their throat the whole time god's real god's real god's real and they just want to hear someone say it out loud and so abortion's murder abortion's murder abortion then you come out you're all shirtless and you just go i'm for abortion that's fucking a release to these kinds man they're so happy so so i believe that you get the last thing in the danger area so i did my gun control routine which is my most popular routine oh that one wasn't i thought that was no i the special after that i filmed in nashville i told you that i told you that you you you broke the algorithm for me because you're you're um you're you're you had one gun they go viral viral viral and then anytime there's a school shooting or any shooting it would go viral again i wake up in the morning and then like i'm like i've got all the alerts yeah i'm like oh someone must have gotten shot yeah right it's a terrible way i tried writing a shark attack joke just because i was like i was like there's shark attacks all the time i was like that joke go viral like every time there's a shark attack i'll tell you who has a good shark attack routine is uh michael mcintyre who's michael mcintyre is your biggest comic in the uk sells out arenas whenever he wants to if he wants to get out of bed uh uh there he is there he is um but yeah mcintyre um but yeah mcintyre yeah he's a bit pete holmes and he sort of speaks like this he goes hello hello britain how are you he has pete holmes right yeah yeah that would be a good analogy he's british pete holmes i think pete holmes has a shark attack there what's his shark attack here uh i saw his pete holmes is just doing his acting i saw his special i'm trying to think he's michael's extraordinarily good accents he can do any accent from any region in britain or australian accent he always does that bit about like whenever you're seeing the australian news it's always like um there'll be some guy in hospital you'll go there's some guy in hospital you'll be lying there and you'll be missing an arm there people be interviewing what happened he goes i was on the surfboard and then out of nowhere a shark came up and you're like out of nowhere out of nowhere you're in the ocean you're in the ocean i was taking the dishes out of the dishwasher yeah and then out of no i'm paraphrasing completely because i can't quite remember but okay let's rank comics so i only like the good let's do this no no no no no no let's do this because like i would say like i would say me and you can't be in this rank oh no no no no no so i was like i was like earlier when you were saying brad pitt's probably top five yeah and then i said i was thinking can you imagine my thought process went can you imagine being friends with someone that's that high up in the game in any of their professions yeah but we do know these people yeah exactly i'm sitting across from one oh no no but you're you're one of the biggest comics but here's my point okay so like say we put like top 10 comics right what we should do is start a fantasy league right yeah we have a fantasy league and then we have a draft day and we pick comics no no no we have to do in regions we did american league we're not doing the british yeah we're not gonna follow the british football league you know what i mean that's 50 best stand-ups oh no that's those those things that's one person's opinion yeah they're always you always get to like the top uh 10 and you're like oh come on you're missing blah blah and you're missing blah blah blah and you're missing this person this is an interesting list freddie prince okay i've never seen freddie prince i'm friends with freddie prince june he's a nice fella yeah his dad was freddie prince yeah this list is uh this is the thing with comedy you just gotta be happy within yourself right and stop worrying about what other people are up to chase the dream not the competition right because at the end of the day we're all fucking phyllis dealer men because no young person knows who the fuck phyllis dealer is and she's died in our lifetime yeah right george burns died at 100 he was still had gigs in the fucking diary shut up he died and he was most iconic looking fellow no person under 30 knows who the fuck george burns is no one knows and patrice on the same list makes me happy dick gregory was fucking amazing i'm coming from australia i haven't listened to any dick gregory stuff gregory never filtered through i know dick gregory's nephew because dick gregory's nephew's fucking hilarious he has a joke that i still think of to this day goes we're sitting eating and he's watching this white dude walk by i go what he goes man you white guys wear underarm like it's clothes and i'm like what he goes that's a workout you're not supposed to wear it out to eat don rickles fucking amazing see like that's my thing i want to talk to anthony and he was on the radio with me and it's the only time that i thought i'm not gonna talk i'm not gonna cut this guy off i'm not gonna cut him off from a fucking joke or try to top one of his jokes or even add on to one of his jokes god i'll just sit there and laugh don rickles man you watch some of don rickles now and you're like uh like there's an easy guy in the audience and he goes five years five years i spent the jungle with your grandfather five fucking years you're like what are you smelling your hand don rickles was fucking amazing you look at this list and you go this list is you can't like if you just if you there's so many people you can take out and add and this stuff and it's like well you can't take it away i've done a bill cosby routine i've tried to do a new routine now yeah because okay so i'm at flappers the day i'm working out stuff the day that bill cosby gets laid out of prison they got a phone call they got a phone call my agent who used to work with him gets a phone call within hours of bill cosby leaving prison he was ringing up all the commie clubs in town going i have myself a new set i'm ready to go now this is the thing you want to see it you want to see it you don't want to be seen in the audience i'm not terrible man dreadful human being right but also they do say that when someone gets out of prison they are 70% more likely to re-offend if they don't have gainful employment so really for the safety of others there's only one solution if you want those women to be safe he needs to be on stage yeah he needs to be doing gigs it's the only way what's crazy though is that like you i would i would put a list of the top 10 comics working and i would never think to add anyone i know over in england or anyone in australia immediately when you say that i go like i'm sitting there going dude this list i mean if you did like murder i put andrew maxwell uh glenn will as well i put those guys in my top ranked ears like you know like andrew maxwell used to be a comic when he's a club there's very few guys i used to be like that's gonna be hard to follow you know what i mean i'm not scared of many people but he was one of those ones that yeah i had to follow guys what's uh what's um i just hung out with a british comic when i was over there fucking one of the funniest quickest dudes halston who was it russell howard oh yeah he's a funny guy dude fucking he's a funny guy and jimmy carr jimmy carr jimmy carr amazing by the way one of the nicest good friend one of the nicest men in the fucking world man and they tried to cancel him but funny he's funny man yeah that was crazy they tried to cancel him on a joke that was on a special a joke was on a special that was recorded that aired months earlier and then they just decided to go for him and it's like this is the thing so he got done for doing a joke about the gypsies or the travelers as they want to be called gypsies anymore but like i lived in britain man there wasn't a lot of people are pretty mean about the gypsies right so all these bleeding hearts were like i can't believe he was oh fuck off the lot of you i never heard a nice word no i there was no when we were there people were saying hey go after the uh when we were in ireland and i was like i'm not i don't know anything about it it's like it's like me making jokes about aborigines i don't know anything yeah that's different that aborigines and indigenous the truth there's scams that have been pulled you have to watch out this isn't like going you know those people that do this you have it in lock stock and two smoking barrels right you have this this this depicted it's pretty close man yeah it's pretty close right they'll tarmac you drive out asking you and then extort you like this is things that i've seen happen right i've seen it happen by the lucky heather and then the kids will get around you know there's a lot of scams you got to be careful right and so so he makes a joke about gypsies and then just yeah so so i think i can say this now because um it's past but so i was on the phone to jimmy and he was a little rattle he wasn't super rattle because he's a pretty cool car and collected fellow and he's like i can't believe this happened four months after the thing and he had people protesting in front of his gigs and all this stuff and i just said something will happen in the news cycle and it'll go away because this is a big deal this is because nothing else is fucking happening yeah it's nothing else is happening so they're going after you for a joke from four fucking months ago if something else was happening this wouldn't even be on anyone's radar yeah anyway the next week chris rock gets slapped are you serious right and then the week after that putin invades the ukraine brilliant fucking crazy it's like car sitting in his mansion going oh but he's doing a comic it was never gonna it's never gonna last and also the joke look i can i can say the joke it's i'm just quoting the joke i don't remember i don't remember the joke i thought it was i didn't know what it was it was a holocaust joke oh sorry but he goes in the holocaust oh yeah i love that joke six million silver lining they also killed some gypsies yeah so like like it was it look but he said before the joke you guys the special was called dark material yeah and he said these are the jokes that could get me canceled yeah and he said it's like fuck me people if you're gonna be worried about that you know like worried about fuck like i look back at all my old jokes man you'll find some things right i have a special i won't let them put out i shot it it's out there and then they're like someone wanted to buy it oh nope i mean i titled i titled i titled i titled the you know this is back when you gave like a title i think i was on dvds i thought like mexicans like it was fucking horrible the uh you're pro or against uh i must have been pro it was it was i love work i love mexicans i i if anything if anything could be said about me it would be that i really had a blind spot to actual racism like i've never really i've actually i've said stupid when i was a kid like a kid kid like 13 14 i look back at some of the jokes we told the school yard and i'm uh i'm ashamed and if i never heard my son doing it oh you know but that's just we were kids yeah we were kids we said stupid that's why with anybody who does anything stupid i'm fucking who are you right now as a person who are you doing right now because you can't fucking at least i have a lot of empathy for someone who sends out a dodgy tweet when they were a kid you know i wasn't supportive of roseanne but i thought that one was a bit much personally now other people are and at the time now i look back on it i'm like a lot of tv shows we spoke out again now i'm like ah fuck what do i care for you know what i mean but your tv you had to talk about what happened that bloody week you know i remember me and me and bill burr were on tv the day that shane gillis lost his job on snl right and i didn't i never heard what he said on that podcast or what he did or anything like that and and we were on that was uh david's page show and david was like what do you think about and me and billy started looking at each other and we were like you know fucking people say stupid and i was like i don't know and i remember some of the writers in my room were angry that i didn't speak out against shane gillis and now if shane's listening i'm a big fan of shane gillis i think he's a very funny comic i think he's extraordinary i think he's i think shane gillis is an elite i think we're going to be knowing this guy in 20 years he's going to be doing like it's not going to weigh in he's i knew nothing of him when that first and so i was just like all i said on the show and the footage is there i just said well where are we going this i said this could be a learning moment or something like that i said something on that line you know but i said we're going to cancel the old john belushi who's dressed as a samurai yeah we're like i think his eyes pinned back like cutting i think so yeah things with right i said how far back are we going to go i said snl better watch themselves if they're like oh this isn't acceptable on snl you know you have every they've done every face yeah they've done every face they've done all the faces so for them to get all i think the shane gillis thing should have been you know they also had the they also had the first asian past member i forgot his name he's funny bowen young yeah and uh so hey maybe do a sketch about it or something and then see how we are moving forward bowen didn't seem to be upset you know what i mean like that's how i felt about at the time i don't think there's i don't i think if you are in that that group of there's there's um people that their currency is the outrage like the they're out there they they can't really they're not allowed because like my buddy croy uh interestingly enough for a guy who was fairly measured killed himself but uh but it's the worst when someone commits suicide it's the fuck and you know what i have such empathy for people who fucking do it because i've been at that stage in life where i've just sort of gone and had to check myself you know what i mean and if maybe because i when i was younger in my early 20s and stuff like that i thought about it and lots of other stuff and you know i really upset my mom you know i mean i remember thinking oh when she dies i could probably do it then it wouldn't be upset to me and then you're like i've had people commit suicide if you're ever doing you don't think that it's going to devastate the people around you it destroys the people you don't think about the shrapnel that's a push of a domino that sets up a chain of events i understand pain i understand uh your head you can't fix it or something like that and whenever you say that someone who could suicide is a coward or something like that people say that all the time took the cowards away you've got to understand the people who do it truly are sick in the head they truly truly believe that the world will be better without them their friends and family will appreciate them doing it they get to that stage yeah and it's never the case there's never been a case of someone killing themselves except for jeffrey epstein or something someone in prison or something like that but there's never been a case of someone who's suicide where everyone around was like oh hitler uh no no no they didn't fucking want he let him commit suicide oh they wanted to get him or barely shoot them himself yeah yeah yeah that really was the coward you're in that bunker when hitler killed himself you're like i'm not doing that what's the joke he was only married for about three hours yeah i i i had that was a joke i got to a cabin england are you going to tell your story about your friend oh no no no no don't worry about it um no no no he just said to me well this is a long loop before cancer culture before anything this is just he was talking about a friend of ours who is a uh a vegetarian right a vegan oh and he goes and he goes i can't i say instantly enough he did tell himself he said i can't live in absolutes i can't live in absolutes and he goes and he was he was a guy that would be very pensive about a subject and chew on it non-stop and he's like i and there's one little thing this person going vegan he got really worked him up he was like she never gets bacon now she can't ever have bacon not on my book because when you say you're a vegan for life now i hold you to that so like you got to know what the words you say have meanings because people say things about meanings they say they don't mean it but when you are one of those people that say you've consistently been outraged and you've been vocal about like uh like louis and and cosby and shane gillis and you've been vocal across the board but there's people that they've made their their direction is at one you line where i if if there's been an infraction cancel and they're dead to us never allowed to work i don't want to seem at the cellar this and that well then they have no room to kind of like wiggle room whereas like when you don't really especially when you don't speak out about it you can just definitely allow your opinions to change i've always spoken out about oh i regret speaking i changed my mind about things life's got a lot of gray area man when i was younger the tv show was a bit of a struggle sometimes because of the fact that something happened and i need to have an opinion and most of the time i pick my opinions to myself but when you go to the tv show you're gonna have your opinion and sometimes i had an opinion but i didn't really give a fuck right and i couldn't voice that that if you if you push me it's like it's like how many pronouns should a trans person have right i'm like i don't give a fuck six but i don't give a fuck if you have 80 i don't give a fuck if you push me i'll go six and then they go no 30 and i'm like oh well i don't give a fuck yeah someone said someone said i go there i was drinking a bloodline on stage isn't that the thing with racism and bigotry don't we want to get to that utopia people not giving a fuck yes yeah i would i would i would love if we could get to i wish i would hope i get them but donald argued you cannot give a fuck because you're white bird but i would they say the goal is for everyone to not give a fuck that's the utopia society that doesn't give a fuck that would be we're not angry we're not this we're not that man and so it's like um i had a friend who uh she uh was a bisexual advocate i think and i said no one gives a fuck yeah we have advocates for the guys we have advocates for the trans community but the bisexuals we're all kind of we're all kind of jealous yeah you've got the pick of the litter you've got everyone you want my support all i've got is women yeah i'll go back yeah i'm like but make sure you bring the kind i like to the voice the uh everyone likes you bisexual women popular very popular no i've never heard anyone say you know who's ruined in this country those bisexual women i'm a big fan we try to take i am an ally i'm a bisexual ally i will if you want to have sex with a man or a woman i will be your man to help you out and get through what you're going through let me let me march with you i'm here for you god damn it the uh what was i going to say oh i was on stage the other day and i don't know if you i don't follow anything so i really honestly don't follow anything yeah all i listen to is the news on the tv show and then i start i've stopped with the news and now if it feels to me something big's happened yeah yeah so i crack up a bud light and they start booing and i'm like that's not the reaction i get when i have a beer on stage usually usually it's a roaring ovation yeah and i was like what the fuck are you not you're gonna drink bud light this guy and i go yeah i'm gonna drink bud light and he was like do you see they support trans and i was like they support trans yeah that's what the guy said i was like okay i don't really give a fuck they did a commercial with a trans woman in a bathtub drinking a bud light and then they put on a cam and kid rock shot up a fucking a bunch of cases of bud light and i was like i go first of all i'm not only do i not it's not going to affect the way i consume goods at all at all by the way i've met a bunch of trans people i have never had a problem with it i believe trans is a real thing um i did jokes about trans people in my new special and i said i like a bit of publicity right but i think what i was saying was funny things i do i see push come to shove do i think that every single one of them is equal no each situation is different each situation in my opinion on like whether kids should do it or something like that i'll try to keep that to myself because that's once again will get me in trouble that will be a conversation i have with my wife yeah yeah yeah yeah transition yeah it's not a conversation i'm sharing with anyone and if you transition but you're a major i'll support you fully i might yeah i just get those right tits and you keep whipping your shirt off my fucking cells you think i'm doing numbers now i'll be one fucking raymond james you're gonna rest for exposing them beautiful tits i would have beautiful i said i said they always get perfect ones that's not the real female foods they want to be a real one they're gonna get one slightly bigger than the other you do that you can play any sport you want my cousin my cousin andrew's the funniest fucking dude but not like he does comedy i think as a lark he's really a writer but he's just a funny hang like a funny dude and we were in serbia doing the movie and and we were he was in the car and someone hit some big somebody transition and you know private conversations are usually the funniest and he just goes yeah you know i'd be a lot cooler with it if you had a bracket and i said what and he goes if you knew about march madness and he had a bracket then i'd be like yeah yeah yeah and i was like and he goes and why do you always gotta pick a cool name why can't you just how come you can't just be like chad like and he was just very casual and we were crying fucking laughing about about just the idea of like if i transitioned i go fucking hard i go i go hard i keep my dick you know that's that's a debate yeah like if you keep the dick if i have the tits i would jerk off or is it just something that yeah you know it's like that's pushing up in nashville right so the person's transitioning and then does that become part of the story is that inconsequential to the tale you drinking that beer there in nashville is a trans person who did the last school shooting oh wow now i i only go my only piece because i go that must have set off a shit storm it was a woman who became a man and she went to that school and now he went see that was the bit that they were they were right oh i heard right yeah so i i knew about the shooting i didn't not i don't maybe i didn't know but i don't see this is the thing does that still go because there's always men who shoot up schools does that go into the house that's all like i feel like i think i think we put that as an alpha ladies on that one yeah is that him or her that's that's him by the time i did i still even respect the shooter the shooter wants to be called him i'll call you him if that's the thing but i don't yeah you're a piece you're a piece of fucking shit sir yeah you're a horrible human being it doesn't you know this is gonna sound super silly i don't understand i i said this is why i don't talk about i said something super ignorant in our green room i said how old were the kids at sandy hook and they were like six years old even now i just had a little thing and i go what i said that i i said that makes it almost worse and then someone goes just you know any school shooting is absolutely horrible i went i know but like not that like when you go look at colabine you go they were bullied you know like there's they had an agenda because of the kids how they treat them or how they perceive one of the kids that bullied dylan cleebold the other guy and i think it fucked up his life i mean it was like you go like in a weird way like when you look at like movie heathers right and you talk about that i i can wrap my head around that a little bit not obviously i can't wrap my head around school shooting at all but when you think six and seven that isn't there's a special place in hell for that person it's terrible done blaine in britain that's that was a grown man not even a disillusioned teenager a grown that was the last uh shooting in the uk and it happened maybe 25 years ago uh maybe more right about 25 years ago done blaine and a guy went into a preschool and shot up a whole lot of like you one and you don't maybe they were five right he shot shot a small little village in scotland and then they brought in the gun restrictions they haven't had a shooting there since it's the same as the school now i know i know this is why sometimes i'm hesitant to be on your podcast some of your fans fucking go yeah sure i i plead another amendment right now okay yeah this is dangerous territory yeah i mean because i get i get shit on a lot for these type of things man this is what you're saying about so you have you have a rainbow rainbow you're just holding the beer that has rainbow options but you're holding the beer and so in another crowd you get applauded for that and then in this crowd you get booed yeah and i fucking i like left-wing comedians i like right-wing comedians i grew up listening my parents loved john denber and i like metallica i don't see this person because a lot of people write your shit in this comic's good you know what i mean you'll never be as good blah blah blah or something like that they write all that type of crap right i don't how that's me and me can exist in the same world yeah can exist and you can like us both if you so wish you can there must be people in that room that were scared to actually mention that oh no i have no problems with trans people i had no problems telling that audience i don't have problems with trans people and i don't think that bloodlight went far enough and i already joke about it i was like no one's ever gonna dictate i'm never gonna be dictated how i feel about anything by anyone because because also i don't like i'm not the guy in the know on anything i never have a take well the beauty of you and i hope that i have a little bit of this as well and there's a lot of good points i think real good comedy comes from i'm an idiot yeah but here's what i think and here's a few things i know but for the most part i'm an idiot so i try to do on stage i don't try with words or something to keep my sort of persona both uh above and below the audience the high ground and low ground so there's high ground comics and there's low ground comics that are below everybody i try to go oh i'm gonna go maybe you didn't hear this i'm a fucking moron you just you i mean we've broken down your comedy on a tour bus before and crying fucking laughing and your ability to your ability to i mean i don't want to go into this i want to break apart the bit and and but your your story is that yeah we broke that down about how brilliant it is because it's saying something while getting you to laugh at the fucking funniest thing like it was a woman being murdered yeah obviously i was joking i don't condone people killing their wives as much as i do jokes about my wife being indian and stuff like that and then someone wrote i had one complaint one lady wrote to me and uh and she wrote and she wrote how dare you pick on indian wives like that right i only have one i'm not picking on all of them that's fucking great yeah i'll tell you i'll do my favorite story about having uh my father-in-law is an indian fellow but he grew up in in in london cockney accent and his name's derrick isn't he derrick yeah derrick's derrick's indian fellow talks like this i'm derrick right follow topnam don't i right and uh so my dad meets derrick so my father-in-law and my father meet each other over christmas we're about to spend three weeks together right in the house i got in sydney right and so so uh so my dad we're driving up to the house he's about to meet my in-laws and my father old school australian bloke he wants to get everything right you know he wants to go and he goes so what's your father-in-law's name i said derrick and he goes derrick derrick he goes i've got it i've got it i've got it i've got it hello eric and you're like but he was just in such a panic because he didn't want to do it right that's not my dad being racist saying derrick that's my dad trying to trying to do his best yeah trying to say the right thing and not upset anyone but like you know they're gonna like a house on fire did you name your son any indian ethnicity name um his meal name is uh dan ranch which is my wife's real last name my wife changed her name for acting reasons to lawrence but her real last name's dan ranch and she thought that would be a hindrance and now possibly help her in a career maybe i don't know i wouldn't hurt you know i couldn't hurt but she changed her name to lawrence josey lawrence russell peters last name really peters i don't know but i know a lot of people who have done that it's like like it's pretty it's pretty good who's like um god chip and diles his son no no no no um uh i come out come out johnny come out johnny that's a that's a bold name come out with not change it or anything he's got a bold accent too he's fucking in it he grew up in pakistan russell dominic okay so russell grew up in canada yeah so i remember trying to ask russell about his i would say i'm more canadian i would say peters maybe got changed a couple generations back to peters maybe i don't know maybe you're always maybe peters is a popular name in india i don't know i remember his parents are maureen peters and eric peters yeah the peters they're the peters his brother clayton peters is one of the funniest his other brother peters they're all there yeah i heard they're pumpkin eaters that's my favorite bit of the podcast that's the best line to end on it you should name this episode pumpkin eaters and just wait till we get there um people listen why are they pumpkin eaters so you're on tour but tell everyone where they can find you uh if it's jimjeffries.com um and i've just announced a whole lot of uh uh uh canadian and american north american dates uh but we've got vienna azure athens Barcelona Madrid Tel Aviv Dubai Antwerp Rotterdam Retrovic and then my next gigs are in vegas and i put that i'm going to try to enter the world series of poker for real yeah it's on i'm in vegas i'm going to try to enter oh fuck yeah that's fucking badass i might get knocked out i'm not a bad poker player but amongst me mates you know amongst me friends we can wear a mask and pretend you're afraid of covid no no no no no no no no i like it because there's always ray romano's always there and there's a guy who's helping me out with poker and he i said to him he goes uh he goes i used to play with an arzy guy who's the arzy guy he goes blonde hair shane something i go shane warren is that shane warren right this is how little cricket's known this guy was like i play poker with a guy called shane warren who was a pretty good poker player he was the greatest bowler that ever lived and when he died very early he died like last year a billion people watched his funeral on television one in eight humans watched his funeral he was as famous as a human being he used to date liz hurley right for real just a heart attack just quite young there he is there's shane shane shane warren w-a-r-n-e there he is there's he's the most famous australian when he died the strains have to go to work and we had a national funeral where did he play for did he play for australia and did he do 40 40 was it for no he was back in test match days he was already retired and doing 20 for 20 he was the greatest spin molar he did this bowl where the ball would land here and then it would go whoop sideways off the bounce he was remarkable remarkable at that as an athlete and the americans know him as quite a good poker player that's fucking hilarious there's like very few celebrities that if i met them i would be too nervous to talk and shane warren would be the too nervous to talk category it's like like he died young so they all you know everyone was in mourning i reckon the canadians need wayne gretzky to die soonish right just not for him not for him not for him for them though because if he dies now they get a holiday they get gretzky day or very at least a funeral they get that if you leave it too long and we start listening to gretzky's podcast i don't give a fuck yeah you become george burns and his podcast is like i'll tell you why there weren't many black hockey players like if he starts doing that if he starts hearing his old man views yeah he'll fade off into obscurity as i don't listen to him you want him to die around now you want i guess you want your death to be tragic uh not tragic you want it to be you want it to be in your prime you get an airplane and then you think i sometimes you think i reckon i might be the most famous person in this airplane i reckon i'll get most of the media coverage on this accident and then sometimes you walk in i walk on once and then i sat down and we were good friends i sit down like i'll just be the big bopper i sat on a plane i sat on a plane one time and i was with the entire band of earth wind and fire right and i was like there's no way anyone will mention me at all it's earth wind and fire goes down yeah all day oh there's shane look at him bloody beast of a man he used to smoke cigs in between overs he ate like a fucking animal he'd get fat here we go look at what this ball will do this will be unbelievable i don't know this is a lot so he throws it boom all right that was watching a game oh this is just watching an action okay i know someone caught it but this is a five-day sport i love the outfits well this is the thing so they changed it to a one-day sport they started playing nighttime cricket right so nighttime cricket was the first time they played it you lights and uh the first time the lights the red ball couldn't be seen on the lights really so they went a white ball can be seen right so they chased a white ball but the white balls were getting lost in the uniforms yeah and so that's when the first colored uniforms came in where they had australian new zealand and south african and indian uniforms came in with all the bright colors and then they were like we could even we could sell the jerseys like how fucking dumb are these cunts at the whole time because you couldn't sell that merchandise no it's just a white outfit yeah there's a white outfit with a sweater yeah i like the sweater sleeveless sweater and there's a hat that the australians have to wear called a baggy green yeah right and it's this old hat called the australian baggy green and the baggy green you only get one your whole lifetime right and anyone who plays for australia gets one so they're very sought after these are these are real like this this is the that's the hat it's an ugly looking hat like this but you only get one your whole career and by the end of your career if you're not like they look like tatted bits of fucking mess on the top of these people's heads yeah there it is it's a monstrosity hard to get only you got to play for australia are the only people who get to get them really i've never touched one for real that's the most coveted thing in australian sport if you get that hat that ugly fucking hat oh you're living the life now maybe if you if you blew half a million on ebay you might pick one up right but it wouldn't be cheap baggy green i'll get you one for your birthday one year all right i'm going australia friday i'll be i'll grab a baggy green i'll tell me dad where are you playing that you don't know you can go over and borrow the brad pitt suit tell your dad to come to my shop as a guest owner brad pitt suit oh yeah he has i did a gig at his bowling my dad plays lawn bowls every day and so i said that we're doing a big tour we're doing like 5 000 seats and stuff like this and i said my dad i said how about i come by the bowl though right and i'll do a gig down there because all these old mates they're all in their 80s and 90s and they're not going to show off a bit or whatever and so i said i'll tell you what i'll go down to the bowling club i'll do a gig and i'll give all the money uh there's only 130 people get into this room so it's all out in minutes like so i go down there i'm giving the bowling club all the money he plays it every day they all have to wear white suits old men have to wear white suits white jumpers to go around in a white hat to socialize with their friends every day oh wow right so my dad has a uniform to go see his mates i like that right yeah it sets aside the poor from the rich we're all the same we're in an outfit right so he goes down to the bowls and then this old bloke comes up to me so so there's a little tiny stage where they have the raffle you know bingo what would happen up there or the raffle right and the side of the stage is a doorway with a closet that would be five foot by five foot little tiny room very closet you know where they keep the mops and the buckets and all that type of shit right and so the people who ran it they thought oh we need to give him a dressing room because he doesn't want the people i don't give a fuck it was people i went to school with this is the suburb i grew up in right and so they cleared out the mops and the buckets and then they had the same rider as i get for my other gigs my management center through so there's a fucking meat platter meat and cheese platter for the other acts and stuff like that and uh i like a sugar-free red bull if i'm a bit sleepy so i'm not gonna sit in the fucking closet the show's up for two hours right i'm not gonna sit in the fucking closet so i go out and socialize with all the old blokes and my dad's mates and see some guys i went to high school with this this 90 year old bloke who's the who's the main man at the bloody club he's the chief of the club right the board member yeah comes up to me and goes now you listen here and mind you i'm about to donate 10 grand to their place right yeah now you listen to here we went to a lot of trouble to clear out that room for you and you haven't used it right i had to bring red bulls in i went to the shops myself we don't sell them here i had to get you and no one's touched the meat platter right and i was like a little kid i was like oh i'm sorry sir yeah i'll get right yeah i turned to my friend amos who was opening for me i'm like amos we gotta go in there and drink red bull and eat meat platters in dark man because they're gonna be a fucking ghost oh that's fucking hilarious right we've been trying this podcast for a while no no no i gotta go fucking i think i'm gonna go to jimmy kimmel inside of covid what are you doing a paneling no no no nothing stand up no no no you're a guest no no no i'm doing it's not we're not gonna shoot it for another month but i'm doing we're doing a segment me and get him all i think he's a he's a coach at my kids little league not my kids but he's on the thing yeah he doesn't look as bewildered oh yeah he's like he's a sound man on the tv show he's always like this he's on the sidelines like turn the devil over there now you get back like he's like an eloquent man yeah no we're doing a segment we're doing a sketch together yeah i think it's a movie so i don't know what it is but uh i'm a little like i haven't done anything that we're television in fucking years right i did panel for like being a guest i always enjoy who's the other guest oh yeah and i always get like i never get like sort of brash men because they want to offset me yeah right so i always get like there's always like really attractive women are the other guests right like really like so once i had like margot robbie was the other guest right and she's australian right she's australian so i haven't in yeah australian i've met her a couple of times we've got something yeah yeah yeah and so i'm standing maybe she's seen me she's australian yeah so i i'm like i'm like standing in my doorway just acting like i'm looking for someone just in the hope that she's walking past her door back and forth yeah but that's the thing as well like you think that you meet these other guests they do their spot they're in a car and gone by the time you're on i never i never meet the other person but yeah yeah there's who was on there it was me and margot oh there's a picture of me and my wife in the center there at the once upon a time in hollywood premiere that's where we had the tickets you you look good in a suit jim i uh i was 20 pounds lighter there i just come up to i'm gonna get another 10 pounds in europe i have a tv weight that i always hit what is it it's 200 is my tv i'm 215 oh my god you don't do 15 yeah i'm 215 i'm 250 yeah but you don't want to test out you don't look at that fucking arms nothing nothing nothing all right man i want to tell you what a joy it's been thank you man i love you i'm being serious and i've said this before i've said it forever i've been a fan of yours way longer than i've known you and it's cool that we're friends and i feel there's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one k no scripts of beta booze amateur psychology dirty jokes raunchy camera no apologies here's what we call two bears one k