The Monkey (2025)

Rob, thank you for coming over for our monthly dinner party slash show and tell very very glad you can make it Since it's only just the two of us. Thank you for inviting me. I'm honored of course As you know, I don't know why I'm even telling you this we trade off every month last last month you cooked I showed in tell right and it was big it was big to do for listeners we do this every month It's it's kind of a thing. We've had going on for a long time now.

So right right um, so we hate each other otherwise So it's the only thing keeping us from killing each other right the yeah, so I Cooks yes, and I mean I got a little out of my comfort zone. I got it man. Okay. I mean I made an irregular jagged semi edible salad is our first course.

Yes So I'm just gonna start eating that and how about you start the show and tell? Okay, well I Show and tell I don't is This I brought a I brought a monkey with me. Oh, that's cool. It is cool.

Isn't it? Oh? He's got a little drum usually they have symbol. I know Traditional wonder why a monkey has yes traditionally.

It's a symbol I think I got marble keep going No, but I have this monkey here. He's a wind up monkey and when you wind him up he starts playing the drama. No, yeah, that's so cool It's great. How about how about this you wind it up?

I'll take a really big bite of my knee. Okay You think we need at the same time if this is just kind of how these things right right usually the other person one person eats in the Other one shows and tells so I'm just going to wind this up. I hope Hey, sir weird menace in the air. Yeah, I'm feeling weird menace for sure.

Hmm feels like something bad's about to happen like Someone's about to die or a podcast is about to start. Mm. Yeah, I get the same feeling every month This week on King me everybody dies and that's fucked up. This is the monkey King me welcome to King me the official Stephen King movie pop King me presents came The official Stephen King movie podcast the official podcast of King me the effect official podcast of getting King by me the official podcast of keying man Yeah, keying man keying man The official podcast of why is that something that I know immediately what you're going for?

Too much too much history much It's the official podcast of you know you finish your first draft and and just film that yeah, hey You finish your first draft and sometimes that's good enough, right? Look, I don't want it. I'm not I don't want I don't think producers studio should be the movie police No, if there's one thing we creatives hate its notes Right, right so let's just film it sure. Let's just film it.

Yeah another another marketing coup by the mad Huxter Osgood Perkins a Rob. Yeah I Man I don't know about this guy anymore. We can I tell you what I think his name ought to be is bad Drawback ends Right, right, right is bad drawback is that's the opposite of his name really in a lot of ways I think it's yeah, I think that makes a lot. I guess the full opposite might be like cowardly lion bad drawback out Jesus Christ yeah, yeah, so this week we're talking the monkey 2025 just came out hot off the presses hot hot hot hot delayed a bit by my maladies Yeah, Dan fell ill he's just he's so I've actually have a recording of the moment I fell so sick he's just weak right now, but he got his ass to the cinema to watch the monkey Never the less I purses me Dan.

Oh, man To see this the new the latest Stephen King adaptation the monkey from the visionary director Yeah from Osgood Perkins the latest from Osgood, okay I I feel like I have a lot to say about Osgood and this movie and whatever right off the top Let's just say head on over to patreon.com slash king. Yeah, I'd yeah sign up for the $5 a month tier That gets you the bonus episode every Friday. We've been doing double features So every Tuesday you get the free episode right here and then over on patreon. There's a sort of a companion episode something else For example, we did a few weeks ago We did max pain because we were talking about the video game movies and then on Friday.

We did the happening We did a wallberg feature double feet like or way more relevant to this Yeah, and then we yeah, oh sorry go ahead So today we're doing the monkey by Osgood Perkins and then this Friday. We're talking long legs So we're doing an Osgood Perkins double feature this week So head on over to patreon.com slash king me pod sign up for $5 a month. You get a seven day free trial Test it out. That's right.

I like it one toe into time. I'll tell you this the people who do sign up. They never leave That's right. They can't they don't know how we lock the doors.

It's a lot like Hotel, California So anyway pink champagne on us right? Okay And this this is a king me proper. We haven't done a proper king me episode in a little while, right? That's right We ran through we somehow Despite everyone everyone's like please stop doing the podcast please.

Yeah, we ran out of Stephen King adaptations Yeah, so now it is last so now I'm sorry. I just wanted really quick the last Stephen King movie that we talked about was almost a year ago It's actually almost a year and a year and a month. I'm sorry 13 months the unluckiest number there is 13 Oh my god Stephen King should write a short story Number was haunted he's done that we talked 1408. That's true.

We talked about was pet cemetery bloodline with oh man Crandall is that that's right. Yeah, I got come got us now. I believe we said that exact sentence Yes, probably should have turned say Probably So it's been a minute since we've been in the King universe here and I gotta tell him in it since we've been in it bars bars You gotta tell you gotta tell you you gotta tell me Dan I gotta say man I was excited to get back to the Stephen King universe here, man. I was stoked.

Maybe same baby same I there's something it's so the evolution of the show and like what Stephen King has Started out as to us and then now has become to us right? We've done we dug so deep into like the the lore in the you know, it's the books the stories the short stories We watch the fucking the dollar babies. We've done so much here with Stephen King So I just it's like a warm blanket when a Stephen King property even if it's Judd Crandall with cum gutters. I'm like, all right.

What do you got for? Perfectly actually that's perfect for us. Right. So I was stoked to watch the monkey by until I had watched it short I You could listen to the episode on Friday.

We recorded a little out of order here, but We already recorded the long-length episode and on that episode I talk about like how much I like that movie I'm on board for long legs. I'm over here saying I don't know Rob. I think this guy might be a charlotte. Yeah I'm apprehensive.

You are you were apprehensive the whole time and I got to tell you this movie. I'm like I feel like a real Dan over here. Yeah, I'm like who is this charlotte in here given to your anger? Yes Yeah, this is not my shit here.

I Hated this so much. I knew I Knew yeah almost immediately. Yeah, I can tell you the exact moment this movie lost me and it's there's it's Adam Scott With the flame thrower. Yep.

That's the moment where I'm like this is not good. This is not going to be a good Oh, no, is this gonna be really bad in fact? It is to loot to go to swing so hard from like guy gets his guts pulled out With a harpoon gun kintro by the way getting shot with a harpooned out in a way that involves something roughly the shape of a penis Yes To go so quickly from that which is like okay. That's like funny funky weird to Just like the most like honestly Sharknado s humor Where's just like epic humor?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah the epic. You know like the epic Scott with the flame thrower being like god Damn, you know some like stupid whatever he's saying it just dude.

So no, I'm sorry. We're diving right in here. I It might my initial feelings even with that right? So there's the the opening scene here we get Adam Scott and he is dressed like a pilot and It's got a little mustache now.

They hid Adam Scott spoilers for this entire movie. So be prepared, but They they did not advertise Adam Scott being in this film at all right. So that was a bit of a surprise I'm a fan. I like Adam Scott.

I think he doesn't always do great Projects or whatever, but I always I always enjoy him. I think he is good, right? So when I saw him I was like oh, this is that's fun and you know he goes to this pawn shop And he's like hey, I really got to get rid of this monkey and the pawn shop owner is like I can't take this monkey back No returns on toys for whatever reason, okay And then through like I mean this whole movie has like a series of sort of like Rube Goldberg kind of situations, but the man the owner of the pawn shop gets shot in the stomach with a harpoon gun that is precariously loaded and Like cocked as well whatever that's fine And then it gets all of his intestines like pulled out and whatever else right and then Adam Scott takes a flamethrower Presumably from the pawn shop and then burns the monkey right while saying something like die you demon monkey or whatever right something hilarious Something hilarious random. It's random sauce good random sauce I'm even in this moment.

I'm like, okay I'm not I'll allow it but watch yourself count kind of yeah, I was like I'm not fully offboard yet, but I don't look right You kind of you break even on it. Yes, like the the the kill is good the intestines like being like pulled out or whatever It's like oh shit. That's like it's silly what I wanted was him to take have to like take a big step over it Like it was caution paper sure thing. Yes, that would it that really would have won some points for me, but um Yeah, I'm good on that the flamethrower and yelling and all that kind of stuff or whatever it's it's over the top in a bit like I don't know hacky.

I'm gonna say it's fucking hacky. It's completely hacky I think there's a in what's upon time in Hollywood There's there's a flamethrower scene at the end but then there's the scene from like the make-believe movie that DiCaprio is in And he says something like did somebody order like fried? Sourcrowd when he's like taking a flamethrower to not see it's not it's something to that effect and that's I was like It's not a direct one-to-one here, but I'm like this is kind of silly in the way that that is kind of silly, right? Right, right, but like you know I can and that I think is like part of my issue is like it's silly in this self-conscious way Which also is not in and of itself like you know, damning, but it's so not funny.

It's so Funny it's so painfully unfunny. It's like okay. I've never seen 1941 right the sort of like the manic Unfunniness that people talk about when they talk about that that's what this is what I imagine is this feeling of just like oh Could you just like stop doing bits for a second and like be a movie? Yes, right that I mean it's like that's my biggest problem with this is that it's not a whole movie is that it's just a series of kills that are I that don't even feel like they're yeah, they don't escalate on properly.

Yes They don't feel at yeah, don't feel like they're escalating. They don't feel original or whatever it it's it's crazy to see like the reaction online Which has been like it varies but people who like this movie and they're talking about it They're like oh the kills are so funny and whatever. They're like what are you talking about? They're they're not they're not and I like I see people that are giving this like high marks and whatever I'm like I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here.

I rob it's like there's a gas leak on planet right what are we talking about? You know, I I think I Think this is a case of people like wanting something to be good. Yeah, wanting the relationship to work Yes, and like just rose colored glasses through rose colored colored glasses red flags just look like flags totally I really what it is is just like they it just keeps like dripping sugar water onto your tongue to keep you keep you from getting like angry at it like if you I don't know if you're taking it Moment by moment. It's like oh look it's Elijah Wood and he's being silly yes But then you you take a step back and you look at it like the context of like a movie it It has nothing to do with anything.

It doesn't move the story forward. It doesn't adds a character development It's not thematic. It's nothing. It's it's complete nothing.

Yeah, which Also can be fine, but you gotta focus on such as like just focus. Yeah focus their movies that are Yeah, like right off the top of my head like I think of the crank movies, right? You're chev Chellioses, right? Boy boy, that's me hot.

That's who should have been adopting Pete. Yes. He should have. I'm taking I'm taking a boy Taking it.

You boys my boy now. You want an arm wrestle? No, I just you watch that movie and it's all silliness and it's so over the top, right? And it's just like it's just a concept guy can't you know can't let his heart drop below a certain It's like speed or whatever you can't drive below a certain mile per hour Your heart has to maintain a certain speed.

So every scene has to be chaotic and over the top and big, right? And this movie feels like every time that every new scene they're like introducing like You know with the kills or whatever it's like Yes, we're Setting up the kill here. We're introducing something whatever and then like then the kill happens and it's like huh Isn't that like something? Did you like that and you're like at least me watching it in the theater?

I was like this is I like everybody who dies in this I don't care at all because I don't know any of these people yes Like I the moment dude the moment that they introduced uh Ricky Ricky is the thrasher. Yes I was so fucking man sure I was like because I knew I was like oh exactly You want me to pay attention you want me to pay attention to this guy and you wait until now and yes And that also goes nowhere. He looks like Richard Kindress like Joey Ramone. Oh, just a bad thing I do.

I'm just I'm saying saying everything on my mind right now So uh we we jumped right over it here, but let's talk about the cast right before we Hold down movie here, but so written and directed by oz good parkans right based on the short story by Stephen King very different from this movie Um did you read it? I did not I started listening to the audiobook and then I I watched the movie And then I started listening to the audiobook and I was like I need to be like separated from this for a little I just never went back to it, but okay. Well good news bitch. I read it.

Great. I'm glad yes News flash news last bitch. I read it. I read the short story.

I read everywhere bitch Um starring Theo James Right who plays plays two characters plays how and bill? um twin twin brothers um Theo James and twins And twee in twee in twee in speaks What? Um, oh, you're just referencing the podcast. Yeah, that's it.

Oh, okay. I'm twee in speaks I thought it had something to do with uh TJ no no no no so uh Theo James Is he's a British actor who looks like a Franco brother, right? He he's chat franco. Absolutely.

You called him chat Franco when I was watching this it was distracting how much he looked like a sort of a Sort of a better looking James Franco. Yeah. Yeah kind of uh He's um more of a stud if you ask me. He's like he's extremely hot.

Yeah, it's kind of crazy It's kind of crazy. Yeah, it's like I did so there are like little Little things I like I like casting him and putting him in like glasses and being like oh, he's just like an everyman That felt very throwbacky to me. Yes, right? Like I liked it too.

I thought I honestly didn't I wasn't like yes I was like Dan this guy is like very Hot for being supposed to be like a nerd and then like the twin brother who has like a mullet and his you know, uh a disaster I was I was on board with it that like him being a Like a supermodel of a man in these two parts was not distracting to me I thought I was like no, that's fine. Like what you're saying like I can get on board with that That's cool. I can roll with that. You know, it's like he was funny on white lotus just playing like a total shmuck I didn't I'm not seeing that but that's the one thing.

That's the only other thing I've seen him and I just like I was like well if he can be funny then like great You know like I know this is not I know this is supposed to be like a silly billy good. Yes So him being here is not a deal bringer. Yes, exactly Now also in this picture Tatiana mazlani Dan I I'm gonna tell you this right now. All right.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Yeah, it's the honest.

I yeah, I find her to be your mom Yeah, she is mother to me. Um, okay, nice. Wait, wait, did judo flip that one? Um, no, I I mean, I think Uh, I think she's like I like her and other things that I've seen her in I think she's like very She can be very fun and I think that she has fun moments in this Yeah, but agree.

I mean like the materials. Yeah, that's this is that's the problem here is that script is crazy bit like the dialogue It's really really bad. Um, but she's in this she plays lowish Uh, holy crap. Oh, oh, okay.

Yeah Um, she plays howlin builds mom. Yeah, um, sorry about the neighborhood dogs. That's brian He loves lowest too. Yeah, he does.

Oh, don't even get him started. Oh boy Get a few more teenies and I'll tell you all about how much he loves lowest She she she she she slowish anyway, um, who else we got in this callin o brian who plays pd Uh pd callin o brian yep a king alum really. Yeah, who's that boy in? Um Let me pick this phone call up.

Let me just uh, uh, hello. Yes. This is mr. Harrigan.

Oh, no That's right. That's right bitch. I lived Uh, he plays the young crag before crag becomes jade in martell. Of course So a king alum king alum.

Can you believe it? I also plays young willy wanka in the movie wanka. Mm I bet that movie's very silly. You gotta imagine.

I'll never know No, it's none of my business. Maybe it's none of my business. It's not from, you know, we mentioned Elijah Wood briefly in this as ted Um, howls cuckled the woman. I mean the man who his ex-wife remarries, right?

Uh, he's played sort of like a he's like a he's uh He's a parrotting guru. He he's an author of like several books on how to be a good father He's an expert in his field is sort of his yes, he's referring Then we got roan campbell who plays that thrasher character. Okay, rich rich kind as joey roman. Yeah rich or kind as joey roman This side bar roan campbell the other big thing that roan campbell was in It was holloween kills the third people love that move.

Oh, yeah, they lied it's the third of the David gordon green holloween trilogy, right? So they they were the it's they came out fairly recently whatever right and That movie comes out and everybody Absolutely loses their fucking minds with uh hate they hate the movie so much I saw a movie I saw a movie I don't hate the movie, but I also don't have that strong of a connection to the entire holloween franchise So but I do understand everybody's dislike of it whatever but he plays the character of kori who sort of uh somehow takes up the mantle of Michael Myers and He's kind of in hiding and but kori is it's this whole thing about like small towns and whatever they they have these monsters And if uh if they don't process these things then they just keep making more monsters and kori turns into one of these guys, you know um, okay, it's I feel I kind of feel bad for this actor who's like He's like i'm gonna be in the holloween movie. I'm gonna be like one of the the killers here and then everybody's like fuck you do Yeah It is it's a hard sell to be like mike mike. My is old news the new big baddie in town is me kori.

It's me kori It's kori. Yeah, that's nobody likes that so kori plays uh thrasher and what's his no roan campbell plays thrasher. It's ricky aka ricky Um and he's uh yeah, he's sort of like a local burnout who wants the monkey for Um a stupid reason he wants it because it reminds him of his estranged father Yeah, so there are all these like nods at themes and motifs but none of them really add up to anything as far as I can think But we'll get there. We'll get yeah, let's is there any more of the cast that you want to Sarah levi or levi um Brother, I mean sister of dan levi hilarious comedian dan levi now when you say that dan you sound like you have you're saying sarcastically No I'm not daughter of jean levi there we go there it is Um jean levi very funny dan levi um I don't know.

Are you shitskriek guy? Not really. Yeah shitskriek in a lot of ways is like Canadian Ted lasso and we're gonna we're just gonna move right along because I can't really explain what I mean by that sure um Yeah, sarah levi is in this movie. Um also writer director star of no he's in it though.

Ozzgood Perkins. Yeah, please uncle chip I did like uncle chips one little scene there where he's talking to uh It was a young bill, right? Yeah, and uh, you know talking tell him explaining him to him how things are gonna go whatever I didn't hate that. I was like, oh, this is like either This is like kind of funny for like this somewhat of a deadbeat uncle to be like, yeah, we're gonna We're gonna you know take you kids in and we're gonna do our best, but I'm gonna tell you right now It's probably not gonna be that good.

It's not not it's definitely not gonna be enough. Um, yeah, so yeah There's that who did you think he was uh, you know Henry Thomas? Yeah, I did. Yeah, he's got a Henry Thomas thing We talked about the Thomas figure out physiock me.

They got it. They share it. Um, I think that's about it Yeah, I mean people who the big sort of names there are other cast members of course But that's like kind of the biggest the big one mention a test dig in stein plays barber the real estate agent Oh, just oh and I got to mention nico del rio because I could not believe I mean this it was doomed from the start It was one of the least funnily written things imaginable. Who is that him is the he's the least Dude, I mean Listening of people laugh at that in a movie theater was crazy.

So it was gonna ask you that Did you see this in the movie theater? Yes, I did and I walked I should have walked over and coughed on it Unfortunately because I'd already healed but it's gross to get coughed off Yeah, you should have went to the movies last week when you were more sick So you could have gotten everybody there that was enjoying the movie sick teach them a fucking lesson Um, yeah, uh nico del rio as the rookie priest who does it was like, uh, this is what I mean There's just just stuff that keeps happening It is just the most like and now this happens and not not a cause and effect Not this happened and because that happened now this also happens I read someone wrote something in a review of some movie. No, I wish I remembered who the movie doesn't really matter Um, no, it doesn't matter. They were talking about the brutalist as being like Antifedical to um a type of movie that I would say the monkey is which is something where every scene has to work as like a tic-tock clip You know like it has to be Clippable, okay for marketing purposes, right?

I think this movie is that just like a million times over. Yeah, every scene seems like it should be just a Whatever a one minute a 60 second tic-tock Clip, right and then when you watch it out of context, you're like, oh this looks like fun or whatever and then you watch it You're like, oh it none of these things The yeah, these aren't this isn't like coherent like story that big right these things don't connect to each other all that well Right the tone. I mean the tone of this thing It's it's so discordant. Yes, it is unbelievable.

Okay, so you want to keep progressing through the plot? I do I really do because I want to want to eviscerate this damn I don't want to eviscerate it But I I'm just so disappointed in all of it really yeah, I'm not mad. Yeah, just this one just this point. Okay, uh It's at some context to this movie though, okay now I think that there is after like digging in a little bit.

I think that there is something to this movie I Ultimately, it doesn't change how I feel about it. I think I still think it's bad. I think the execution is not well done and I It's awarded no points in my god have mercy on on your soul. Uh Damn he went down on their ass right Um down on their damn he went down on their ass No, so I was good Perkins the the man right father is lower case m yes uh He is the son of Anthony Perkins of course we talked we talked about this a bit on friday and His mother is uh bernie uh berenson.

Okay. Now This is this is all going someplace um Anthony Perkins um, obviously an actor he directed a bunch of stuff um a closeted gay man who was married and had kids and then later uh came out his gay and You know and lived the rest of his life that way ultimately dying of AIDS, right? His mother bernie bernson died on one of the planes in 9-11. Yes, right.

Okay. Yeah, which um You know there are interviews with osmid Perkins where he's like he talks about that and he's like when I when like I found out about that He like couldn't process it at all. He was just like wait. That's a thing that can happen like Shh, what do you mean?

Right. The thing that's happened three times ever in history. Yeah, ever Right. Like and yeah, that's right.

So like it's so the idea of this movie being like the mother character Tatiana mislani Was it mislani? Yeah, um her the mother character being like um everybody dies. Some people die You know quietly some people die horrifically Um, but everybody dies right it's like I can see kind of the the idea behind it right? I was good Perkins the the person in real life trying to a good person I was good person trying to maybe process some of that process death process the idea that like it really is just a sort of like crapshoot of like You know anybody doesn't matter how good you were as a person or whatever You could just be on the wrong plane at the wrong time and end up flying directly into one of the twin towers Like right that's and and you know like I think embedded in that idea right?

It's like her character having that worldview And then dying Right, it's like you the person like the person you love and trust yes to like help you Metabolize that that notion that truth of life sure then dying is like very destabilizing So like as like an inciting incident for these characters that kind of like sends You know like an emotional insight in that drives them both crazy in their own ways, right? And even the idea of like having them each be a different sort of reaction to that where you either You become overly cautious or overly fixated. Yes, like these are all the bones of that work for me I think you can make a good functional movie off of that sure. I think you can you can a good functional movie off of that And honestly so a little more background on this like Origi I mean first of all there's a tragedy at the core of this which is that um Frank Darabant had the right and and what was gonna make it after the mist and it never oh Could you imagine could you really we could we could have been could have been kings we could be There's a timeline.

There's a version of earth out there where we're recording that episode. Yeah during the third term of present bernie's Right. Yeah And we're doing so and here's the thing we're both living comfortably through the national endowment for the podcast artist Which emperor Sanders was good enough to yes all hail ever Sanders Is it there's a lot of Redundancies, you know, this is a lot in in in in government and One of one of the things is how nothing nothing is a lot funny anymore So they want to like, you know stop comedy and and uh fucking oh my god He's he's the smartest me right? No idea.

I had no idea you had 160 IQ I have a one billion IQ Uh the thing is uh, I've actually become me I am I am becoming I am becoming me So pretty much like yeah pretty much there's like living the dream and living the meme and I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about it So what do they come illegal back in the universe where where people actually think and exist sure go on? Yeah, where? What a fucking I know I know I know on on like the king dork Not a human man not a human man at all what anyway, what a fucking jellyfish of a Uh god.

Yeah, all right. Sorry. Sorry. Go on.

I hope someone turns the that key on the monkey's back. You know what I mean? Hey, listen, I gotta look you right here. I'm just cranking that key So I guess you know James Wan produces this yep I like James Wan by the way.

Yeah James Wan has like As far as like the horror stuff like he did all of the he does the conjuring movies He's the producer and all the conjuring verse right your anabelle's your nuns, etc All that's scary just to hear their names. Yeah, I don't even want to talk about it too scary all the leading ladies of harm anabelle the nun So but he also it mates uh malignant which fucking rules sure malignant I haven't seen it people love that man. Oh, Dan you would you would really like it's it's the kind of movie that like we used to get all of The like a horror movie that we used to get all the time Which is it's just like wild and over the top and it's great kind of like What this movie I think wants to be a game. Yes.

Yes. Um, so James Wan And his production company atomic monster hire oz good purkins to direct this They have a script for it that oz good purgancies and he's like you're no no no You're going about this all wrong your script is too serious This is a horror movie about a toy. It should be like funny and over the top which I agree with I don't think that's like I don't think that's like an incorrect assessment neither do I It neither did I the whole lead up to this movie coming. Yeah, I like even now having seen it I'm like I don't think the tone is the problem Like the tone of making it silly and whatever That's like I think it's too silly.

I think it's well I think because nothing else matters in the movie that like the silliness just completely undermines anything that's going on That's yeah, but like if I heard I heard other reviews and read other stuff where people were comparing this to like beetle juice or something like that, right? Easy easy the first one the first one Okay, where like beetle juice the original be able to say it's silly. It has like scary moments or whatever Um, but it is like pretty much kids. It's essentially a kids movie, right?

Yeah, this it I can see it being like so crazy and over the top and whatever, but The thing with like beetle juice or whatever like all of the like scary moments or supernatural moments and all that stuff, right? They're sort of balanced by All of the reality that is happening, right? And like you're dealing with Um, it's still fun and funny and whatever but you're dealing with like uh, Catherine no hair is like weirdo art stuff and like her whole thing and like Uh, like the family moving in and the guy otheau and and whatever and like all of this other weird stuff that's happening And then also there's supernatural shit happening in the house as well, right? That's like fun and it's like played for laughs and whatever else and it is like set up punchline jokes like you have Michael Keaton being like At the top of his game.

He's like fucking nailing everything right yes in this it's uh You know when when we get to the kills or whatever the kills they feel like they're not set up properly ever And yeah, when they are set up you feel like coming from a mile away and you're just like all right get it over with the kind of you know right and the you know the Subversion of expectations I guess to what to what extent there is that happening. Yeah, it's like the wasps fly into his mouth. Yeah Oh, I hated that. I hated that too So a little reverse green mile action.

Yeah evil green model. Yeah, um But and that's another thing we're gonna have to talk about is like just because you're making a Stephen King movie Doesn't mean you gotta have a character named Annie Wilkes named Annie Wilkes or mrs. Torrance or whatever the there was also a mrs Torrance somewhere like off screen somewhere. Yeah, that one.

God. Help me. You don't gotta do that. Yeah So, okay continuing on with this here film, right?

So we got the Adam Scott cold open thing then it says you know the monkey right and we're Introduced to like maybe like 12 or 13 year old boys right sort of prepubes and twins um one nerd one Kind of jerk. I don't know one one in like a Cuban link chain on his neck. Yeah Yeah, he's just a jerk. He calls him like shit for brains or whatever the whole time He's just he's just very mean to his nerdier brother, right?

Right and like we're gonna I want to I almost want to keep count of all the jokes I hate in this yeah, but the thing about like he He used to tell me he ate most of mom's placenta. Yeah, and they they hit on it like two or three times They really do and I think it's very funny. It's nasty. That's funny.

Isn't it? So that's the dynamic we got a nerd one and like a an alpha. Yeah and so whatever there's a nerd one and then there's the alpha one right and the nerd one there's that one It's like very early on where like he takes his mom's bowling ball and he's like while his brother the alpha brother is sleeping he like uh imagines dropping the bowling ball directly on his head crushing his head, right? Right I'm exhausted by it already, but yeah, so there's that okay.

All right. Maybe maybe that's something It's not but whatever talk about the mom Uh the two kids love their mom Um, she's like she's a single mom who works too hard who loves your kids and never stops never stops Gentle hands hard of a fighter that sort of thing that sort of thing. Yes, she goes out on dates Um, we see her like dancing with some guy she talks about their father a bit and how he just sort of went out for cigarettes one time and never came back Um shit like that Um, and and really most of the childhood stuff is like the alpha brothers bullying the younger brother Or they the I mean he is a younger brother. They they're twins But the alpha was born first like by a couple minutes.

So that's that's a big deal. I guess Yeah, so mom's going on dates and they have their babysitter Annie who very annoyingly is referred to in the scene as babysitter Annie Yeah, and it's like this moment of like Uh, rob I fucking hate this movie so much. It's just this like annoying like that's how they They're saying the exposition and you as the savvy audience member supposed to be like, oh, yes Yes, I understand how these things work You know, we have to we have to get the exposition out. So let's have a little fun while we're doing it Yes, or just write it or just write the movie that you're getting paid to write.

Yeah, or actually write it So they also you don't even need to say she's babysitter. No, we know yeah, we got it babysitter Annie. Yeah, yeah So The boys they're going through their dad's like closet right see like some of his clothes or whatever They find this big box and inside the box Uh, well, I'm sorry outside the box on printed on the box. It says it says does it say the monkey says I forget what it says like life Yes, it says it says it's like life And then the brother goes hey, don't we don't you mean life like he says no?

It says like life. Yeah, so they take it out And it's also somewhere it says like turn the key see what happens or something, right? So they do it they turn the key They see what happens. They take it.

It's just like arm goes up. I like that, you know, like This is good. There's like a good suspenseful sort of thing. Wait, can I tell you I like the monkey I also like the monkey.

Yeah, I like that. It's like a little bigger than it. You think it would be yes I like that it's a little bit bigger. I like how mechanical it all feels like how it's all it all feels like gears and You know gizmos inside if you open it probably look like the inside of a watch or something.

Yeah, I think it's I think it's clever in a good way that it's not just that the arm goes up and the goes down But the arm goes up and the drumsticks twirls in its hands. Yes, it's like a good little extra thing to build suspense or whatever Definitely But you know it like it starts to go it goes up and then nothing happens and then they're like oh damn things broken Right, but let's take it with us to Benny Hana. Do do they take it to Benny Hana? It's in the car.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know why but They get in the car. Yeah. Yeah, so Annie is like No repeats of last time keep your hands away from the hot hot table and then we're at hibachi.

Yes Because the year is 1999 and baby. That's just what you did now. Dan. Yeah, what's your take on hibachi?

Rob, you know my take on hibachi Is it bachie? Are you gonna pretend that we don't have a Long as long as we've both been alive that we haven't been going to hibachi together a weird, but sure thing it is a weird, but true thing Yeah, I've never actually been to a Benny Hana. I don't think maybe once or actually but I gotta tell you hibachi is maybe one of my top three food Food level huge huge portion enormous portion what used to be like I feel like when we were younger Hibachi was like kind of an expensive meal and now it's like Kind of the rest of food the rest of food has caught up to hibachi Yeah, like do I want to get like a big sandwich from jersey mics or do I want hibachi? You know, I just want some hibachi Yeah You can be going for takeout so you have to you have to go up me like uh, thanks Listen could the guy come and squirt the little pee pee Pretend that I'm on fire and put me out with the pee pee doll.

I just really like that little pee pee doll Pee peeing into my mouth. That's sort of a thing that I'm into now because of growing up in a healthy culture Yeah, let me get yeah, let me get the hibachi steak and one really really hot piece of rosukini just right in my mouth Then what is your favorite bit like your favorite hibachi like trick? Yeah, the favorite aspect of hibachi for me I mean I'm asking because give you a second your mind is the onion volcano sure of course everyone loves the onion volcano I like everything with the egg where they spin the egg around yeah, flip it up catch it on the spatula without breaking And then crack it on the side. I like that.

I like me. That's a bit of I like when they they toss the egg in their front pocket Oh, that's fun when they're like oh let me throw it up in the air and oh I've opened up my front pocket And there I wish there had been an extended hibachi sequence in this yeah, not just because I wish they serve hibachi with this movie I hope they serve hibachi and hell tucker max the I think Watching someone do hibachi would have been like better entertainment than this oh my god Actually showing some hibachi tricks would have done a lot to like build the scene yeah build instead of just having something happen Yeah, right so just what happens so Annie Wilkes and the two boys they go to hibachi The hibachi chef is doing his thing. You know Does the thing with the rice where it makes it shapes it into a little heart and then takes a special end does like a little heartbeat underneath it That's fun And then he's you know slicing and dicing some stuff and he does a quick movement with a knife and cuts off Annie Wilkes's head The physics of this make no sense. They're baffling right they really are yeah And of course as this is happening the monkey in the car he bang his little drum And off goes Annie's head she turns to look at how as her head is sliding off.

Yep. That's good. Hi I'm gonna say something else here. I don't like any of the kills in this yeah, I think um I think they're neutered They're very yes.

That's a great way of putting it. They look like shit is a big part of the problem Yeah, I think um also I'm gonna I'm every one of these I'm gonna I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna excori. Yeah, I'm gonna make it better. I'm gonna oh you're gonna punch it up.

I'm punching up everything Well, let me tell you the one thing I like about this is not the kill but the aftermath of the head on the grill and the blood bubbling on the grill Sure thought that was pretty pretty nifty. It is pretty you're right the head on the grill itself and the blood bubbling and whatever it is actually that's something Right. It's grotesque. You don't see blood cooking like that.

No now Rob. Yeah, how would you improve this? So like my if we're sticking with the same Set up here and the hibachi chef for whatever reason Slices into Annie Wilkes's neck right because the the babysitter Annie and the sabbat sheff seem to be kind of making eyes at each other Yes, right. Yes, and they're like a little it's kind of got this like little flirty vibe or whatever But whatever the the knife goes through the maybe the front half of the neck and sends the like sends the head backwards instead of forwards onto the grill But it's still attached Sure birding blood everywhere.

Yeah, I think I think and then maybe it goes forward like the the torso slumps forward or whatever But I just I think that like I just think it's crazy that like for the chef cut off her head. Why? Yeah, that's not an accident. That doesn't feel accidental the table those tables.

They're they're awfully wide It's so far away. You would have to lean so far. Yeah, and they should have been like, uh, yes We have a special tree for you all tonight our chef with one really long arm. Yes, that's how you work around it Yeah, you have that you said it the long arm chef.

Oh, this man. He's got long arms. Yeah, not long legs Long arm long just one just one Hey, did you ever think about how long legs gets taken down by the long arm of the law? I did not I guess that's what the title means.

That's probably what it means. Um, so what so any dies they have a funeral for and this is where we This is where things this maybe the I got to tell you this is the nadir of the entire movie for me This is the moment where I'm like, oh, no, like yeah, I'm I'm kind of only half in at this point in the movie I'm like I don't like where this is going and then once the rookie priest shows up and he's like He walks up to his little podium there and first thing he says like Fuck You know because priests don't usually say that Dan That rob Because they don't talk like that Normally he seems don't like normally they're like oh turn to your bible page eight Not this one. This is a this is a funky priest. This is like wrapping granny levels a few more I got the you ever watch um the good place.

You ever see that show? Yeah, yeah, I know Yeah, but there's the one character that's on there who's like kind of the the dopey one of the four Yeah, yeah, I can't remember his name But that's that's what this felt like was like he was just being like kind of dopey And that's what this priest is just like he comes out seems like he just did a massive bong rip Uh, and then he's like giving the uh, uh, okay. I don't I didn't I didn't realize there were gonna be people here and it's rob It's the most nothing it's a it's an absolute fucking goose egg sucks It's not like it's not even like he's saying funny stuff No, like I don't know do you ever All I could do this whole time was like imagine it written out on the page. Yeah, um, it's literally just like filler It's like it's literally like Ozgood Perkins was like all right.

Well, I'm just gonna write a bunch of placeholder stuff here Come back to it later. There's like wait a minute Actually, it would be audacious if he actually said all of this stuff I wrote down just to make myself laugh. Yes And it's really just like he's His thing he keeps saying is like it is what it is right? Yeah, it is what it is And it's supposed to be like this big laugh line that it's he's like saying all this unpresely stuff It's not funny man.

It's really not funny It's and it comes out of fucking nowhere like even the tone of this movie establishing itself is like kind of silly and You know gruesome or whatever. This is not human behavior. This is not how anyone is ever be in a again in the alternate universe Where we're living under god emperor sanders Please on Elgaiib sanders This character is simply played by father guido sarducci. Yeah Yeah, um, oh god If I can I would love a guido sarducci in this moment father guido sarducci say I'm longing for a sarducci And this is not because of my Italian heritage.

This is no, it's just like at least then there's like a There's something happening. He's where it's sunglasses cook it. This is just like the most Also, uh, you know what I don't want to go full old phobe mode. Uh-huh But I don't think anyone under the age of 25 can act and no one will ever know how to act again Hell yeah You know what I mean though like speaking of speaking of which we just lost uh one of the greats jean jean hackman in what enough enough about this hack man.

That's good bergin. Let's talk about jean hack Um, of course, maybe maybe one of those romantic suicide things. I don't know But uh, the you know jean hackman found dead with his wife and a dog Um feels like maybe uh, what's a fucking uh, clive allen movie the sci-fi movie disopian future with michael kane Children of men when when michael kane has like the like the suicide kid or whatever and is yeah You know sort of catatonic wife and they show up the the fucking gustapo show up Little goodbye ruby Tuesday. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, and they're like well the wife and the dog are dead and then they have to kill michael kane Um, that's that's kind of what the jean hackman thing felt like where it's just like we're all going out together, you know Um Sad, but you know the this was something I was looking into this just uh, totally like cursory like very briefly whatever jean Happened 95 years old. Okay passed away at 95 his wife 63 oh god, that's fairly that is uh, that's pretty young. Yeah, I hope you're wrong about what happened Well, I hope it was nothing grisly.

Well, yeah, that's what I hope I don't you know I I don't this is one of those cases where I hope they didn't die under grisly circumstances Right Can I tell you something please? I didn't know jean hackman was in young frankenstein. Oh today. I know that was him Oh, that's him.

Yeah, he's very funny in that. Yeah, of course everybody's very funny in that and so is sure sure Getting but getting hackman to do that. I know I know it's so smart. Yeah such a such a fun tree jean hackman in the 70s it just oh god I I'd seen it before but a couple maybe a month or two ago.

I rewatched night moves jean hackman as a private detective who He's kind of about it, you know gets a missing daughter case has to go down to the florid keys all this shit, right? that movie Oh god, it's It I'm like I watched out. I'm just like god damn it We used to be a proper country where we made things that actually mattered, you know It's said it's monkey business bullshit Yes, yeah, it's a real tough one. I got admit so Uh, right any welks she dies and the kids are the two the twins they're upset about it So this is where the mom sort of like tells them that like listen everybody dies um the line is uh Let's see everybody dies some of us peacefully and in our sleep and some of us horribly and that's life Um, no, let's dance and now let's dance which I I'm on board with this message in general dan I think everything especially in 2025 everything is bad I'm just gonna say it stepmother did it better or step mom did it better whenever that movie's called What what what what step mom susan saran den julia roberts?

Oh jesus I'm saying it. I haven't seen that movie susan saran and I think she has like terminal cancer or something Okay, and there's fate there's a scene where she's like singing and dancing with her kids Okay, just like having a goofy good time. Yeah. Yeah, I think she's high on marijuana for pain.

Whoa take it easy I love I'm just telling you what I saw. All right. All right, but uh, who's a sallyfield? Susan saran Susan saran sorry you wish it was sally feeling I saw you I in that sound bar.

Go ahead. Give it to him the whole time Not the whole time. Not the whole time. Some that one time it was susan saran.

Okay. All right. Well susan saran is pretty good too Anyway, I am but even this is is very like to me It's like it's just very trically trite kind of yeah, I mean listen. I it's not the sentiment.

I object to I think it's just bad writing I well, I agree with you. I think it is bad writing. I don't think I don't think it's necessary. I don't think it's earned at all no, you know, like I mean that's we've spent rob We've spent two minutes with each of these characters somehow right and like everything everything we know about them We get through voiceover.

Yes, none of it's on screen right Uh, that's bad that you know how you know the old adage tell don't show that's right, right? No, you're right. I mean like the sentiment in general like everything is bad. So let's just dance until we die I'm on board with that.

I for the last few years My that's kind of been my outlook is like the entire world is burning But I think we should all be wearing Hawaiian shirts and doing like you know drinking tiki drinks and whatever I think we should be having a rockin good time as it burns, but the road is your darma. It's the road is my darma Your darma So anyway, uh, but yeah, I think the execution and like it's the setup and then this it's just it just doesn't add up It does not add what's set up But that's what we know is like the setup is any Wilkes gets her head cut off in front of these boys And then there's the funeral and then the mom is like yeah, everybody dies So let's dance like these things don't add up to let's dance because mom is so sort of free spirited or Has this interesting outlook on life or anything like that, right? So okay continue, right? But we do get these things like um In that dancing thing.

I love there's some like Little visual flourishes here that I do think are good Coming out of that dance sequence. I like the moment where everything fades to black around how as he's dancing Yeah, I think that's just like a cool thing to use. That's a cool trick. Yeah.

How is the nerdy one? Yes And bill is the alpha that's right. Yeah, I'm just stating that for for the future Which is confusing because how could be short for alpha? Could be but in this case, I mean half of the half of the boy that bill is right.

He is half of him a one half of two halves, um, there you go. So yeah, the uh, the alpha bill continues to like really bully How there's a thing where he comes home and he's covered like everybody like they're a bunch of mean girls in school And they like yeah, there's a bill rotten bananas at him. They get so crates of bananas Somehow and they throw them and like the poor howl is covered in banana like smashed bananas. Yeah This is I think this is a good another good sort of like illustration of what's not working for me here It's like so we have a couple run-ins with this like gang of like little girls where each one is like a distinct look and personality Which is like a fun idea right there a lot of just like fun ideas floating around yep, but I don't think anybody's point of view gets taken seriously at any moment of this movie So like we're seeing just like a goofy gang of little girls and like the meanest little girl She talks like she's got like the elmo fud Oz.

Yeah, it's like you're like oh, that's cute She's like a mean little girl, but she's got like a little voice. Yeah, exactly um So it's like I don't know not that it has to be like a traditional Stephen King thing No, but in a traditional Stephen King thing all those kids got switch blades and they're about to use them You know, they're about to use them for real. Yeah, they're right. They're about to stab hell to death And like we we clown it on that as like that's crazy.

That's insane behavior But what it does do is give you like that emotional truth of like your kid and mistakes feel impossibly high And we're not we're just not getting that like we don't really see how Bill's bullying weighs on on how it all except for the fact that these girls throw a bunch of bananas at him like during gym class or something Yes, they like steal his pants. I did kind of like the line where they're like uh, it's like heard uh Is this after The oh, it's like hey, we heard your dad went away. So uh your mom wears the pants around the house. Yeah, yeah, yes You know like well can't help noticing you're wearing pants.

Right. So it sounds like we got a bit of a pants problem I like pants problems pants problems a funny phrase. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, anyway So yeah, I just like all this stuff just kind of keeps happening and there's no weight to any of it or Like arch irreverence. Yeah, you know, it doesn't feel menacing enough to be like Um, you know how has to do something about it or whatever. He's forced He's sort of like painted into a corner and he has to use the monkey. So like that's really what it feels like is that like Yeah, these kids are like kind of bullying him one day the group of girls take his pants Uh the other like the next day or whatever they throw bananas at him Like these are definitely bullying things, but it's it doesn't feel like it's to the point where bill is or how it is like I gotta kill my brother now.

Right, right? And that's what he does is like because I guess one whatever the whole banana thing was like Uh, so you love the monkey and he's like no bill and he's like just say it or i'll beat you He's like all right. I love the monkeys and he's like say so you want to suck on his banana It's like uh Fine. I want to suck on his banana and then the next day all the the girls come in with bananas and they they threaten them You know, or they throw them at him.

Yeah, um And then when he comes home covered in bananas, he's like all right He thinks he's like this monkey has some sort of powers to kill people super naturally and I'm going to use that to kill my brother bill. It never works on the person that you wanted to Bean fucking stop. She's is Christ. Sorry.

Uh relentless. She really is. She just she won't stop Um, so he turns the key monkey bangs its drum. Yeah at that moment bill gets home goes into the kitchen sees lowish lowish Um, she's making she's bacon devil's food for the boys or whatever and uh He sees her she turns around And there's blood pouring from her ear and her eyes and she collapses and hits her head and she's dead.

Yeah Um this funeral scene Weird also. Yeah, it's another like the priest is weird again for uh random reason and uh, I I did like the moment when bill The alpha brother is like he stands up and he's like mom wake up like stop joking like the joke jokes over Whatever and like it feels feels sad and whatever and then like and then obviously she doesn't and he's like Okay, keep going. I guess and then uh, we didn't say but uh bill had a crush on any uh babysitter Annie So he feels like so babysitter Annie dies and then his mom dies Which leads bill to then say i'm never taking off this tuxedo that i'm wearing or the suit because every time I do Somebody dies and I just have to put it on again. So i'm just gonna leave it on so nobody else dies Which I think is a healthy way to deal with death, right?

And I like that I like that. Uh, I think that's like a You know little kid out of control trying to find some control in a sense It's like I think how the monkey should kind of work on one level which I think it does in the short story where it's sort of just like this thing that is a like I don't know I mean it's definitely it's definitely a cursed monkey Yeah, but it's sort of like this object that they sort of like ascribe power to also So that like when someone dies they know why is kind of how it feels in that like kiddish way of just trying to like Make sense of this thing that's impossible to make sense of yeah, um But yeah so shorts, okay, no, so uh So after the the funeral right the boys are taken in by uh, what's the name uncle? Uncle chip and ant Ida. This is sara levi and as good purkins And they have like very sort of weird looks about them There's a there is we were saying it before I do like the scene when uh, uncle chip is explaining to young how like uh, well rob Before we get too deep into uncle chip and ant Ida I think we should mention that they live in main.

Oh sure do so the kids are relocated to main And just being the case. Uh, I think that means that ant Ida and uncle chip are probably townies when you agree Uh, I don't know but sure Well, I guess we could save it for ricky. Well, no they are townies. I mean we end up they are yeah I guess this is the closest thing we get to townies.

We got it We got to open up townie profile and just leave it open. I guess all right. We're leaving it open. Let's open it up Here comes big bad day Wonder how much they pay for it up the college That's just about fine smell the world.

So maybe pussy They don't cut the outsiders and they probably won't have a phone either Looney looney looney. What is it that you want? Ernie? What's the right go?

Last town report said you were in arrears in your taxes, Andy Guess I'll never be lucky. Hey, I married anyone Ladies and me. Let's make us baby do all you stuff Is this halfway? Lion and coffees Bingo, it's just like the one I used to have in ice cold.

What was it wrong? But I got the cancer and she got the change so I neither have a soul that's fun to live with. Soaps up that cat is really good Just a warm blanket isn't it welcome welcome to townie profile. I got I miss my townies I gotta tell you and to your point I still miss my townies.

I still miss my fucking townies There's not a single main accent in this whole thing despite the fact that most of the cast is Canadian You're telling me none of those motherfuckers can do a main accent Yeah, it's basically it's right there. Can we can we try? Can we can we try for anything here? Can we oh god damn it?

I learned that you can use a I to fix someone's accent. You sure you sure could so there's one ethical application of AI Oh my god. Do I have to use AI to make a better version of the monkey? I'm about to use a I to bust a cap and oscar Perkins a little ass is a little tush.

Yeah, that's right More like ass good Perkins. Anyway, so speaking of him. Yeah, you're saying you like I like the scene where he sits He sits down next to young how and he says, you know, uh, you're uncle chip and an Ida never wanted kids And uh, you know, we we like our our lives just the way they are And we're swingers, right? All of this bullshit, right?

And then it's like, but we're gonna do our best, but I want you to know that's probably not gonna be that good Um, I think it's kind of funny I think his look where he's got like the big sideburns or whatever And then you see an Ida and she has a very sort of they look like a swinger kind of couple You know, they're like we're you know, we're into the lifestyle here Yeah, they're fine. You know Actually, again, I like Sarah Levy who never really says anything at any point She just sort of like whenever she's in the same room with the kids She's just kind of like looking around nervously and then like smiles at them and walks away. Yep. I think that's great It's I think that's fine.

It could have been anybody didn't have to be Sarah Levy. But sure sure of course, you know Again, though, it's like it does kind of feel like the priest thing also where it's like what if you had written something instead? Yeah Well, if you would actually try it, you know, what if you gave a shit? What I'm gonna say my sort of like big picture on all of this is that oz good pergan should never be allowed to write a movie again Yeah, I think he's got like a fine albeit flavorless I yeah, you know, he's like the look of things.

I feel like there's some cool, you know, some cool shots occasionally Um, although I guess visually that's sort of the problem same problem is this movie where it's like you're just it's just a cool shot Here and there strung together with like completely Unmemorable flavorless stuff. Yes All right, I take it back. He shouldn't be allowed to do anything anymore He shouldn't be allowed to do anything anymore. So the kids are you're taken it by the end uncle Um The boys they discussed it amongst themselves are like I think the monkey did it.

I think the monkey is cursed I think when you turn the key then somebody dies and they're like well, we got to test this out So let's turn the key again and see what happens And then uncle chip dies and he's uh, he's out camping and he's in his sleeping bag and he's trampled by a stampede of wild horses Um, and then when they open up the the sleeping bag, it's just like an absolute like chili Yeah, it's disgusting. It's just completely just a mess of like liquid and viscera and shit There's something in the voiceover right where like he says like when the coroner said that when they recover the body Or like it looked like a like a bag of chili or something like that Yeah I again this actually might be a case of like tell don't show uh, where it's like you see the sleeping bag get trampled by the the horses Yeah Do you need to see in that bag? No, I don't think it adds anything. I don't either I think you're actually I think you're 100 right because All of the other kills that we see they feel so fake and CGI and whatever and then this one being like this weird sort of practical thing With like yeah, the horses are trampling the thing but then the cut to them opening the bag Opening the bag doesn't do anything besides make the audience go like it'll gross.

Yeah, exactly Um, so yeah, um and then the boys are like, yep, it's the monkey monkey's bad So they they take the they put the monkey in its box They chain they put a chain around it and they throw it down the well At never to be seen or heard of again Uh until until so many many years later 25 years later, right? Um, we pick up with a very grown-up how um, oh, I'm sorry actually well and I know first. Yeah first. It's an idea And we see an idea she wakes up.

She There's a bunch of stuff like she hears noise she goes down to the basement She ends up walking up the stairs and the stairs collapse and she falls into like a box of fishing lores So she's got a bunch of hooks in her face This This might be the best killing movie. Yeah, um, it might be so you get the fake out with the fishing lores And that's a good jump scare right where she like falls into the the boxes Yes, and we just have like the shot of under the stairs or whatever and she pops in a frame screaming covered in fishing lores Cut to her in the bathroom pulling them out of her face. Yeah, it's all very nasty business So wait pulling them out of her face and also like attending to all of the punctures with um alcohol rubbing alcohol. Yeah, right Um, so and then she uh She like she's goes to light a cigarette off of like one of the oven like the stovetop burners and ends up lighting her entire head on fire Yeah, um Yeah, uh, yeah, so that happened Well, does it start I thought it like started with her going to light a cigarette And that's when she has to go into the basement because she hears whatever noise and that leads to the anyway She comes up the gas is burning and I think she like I thought she just like leaned down to smell it and then like turned it off But in going to turn it off she clicks it on.

Yes, there's a blast of fire. Yeah likes her whole goddamn face on fire Yep, she's running around like a woman with her face on fire her whole head from neck up. Yeah, um Doubtfire adjacent sure and doubt fire it's her tits. Yeah, it's her her big bosom big.

Yeah, her big Her big chest she's a big chesty woman. That's right. Um, but she runs outside gets her foot stuck in like a vase or a plant or Thing all of this very silly cartoony bullshit. I don't hate it.

I don't hate it either I like I like this. You're yeah, I honestly the whole kill I think the way it ends is is funny and yeah So she is like kind of running falling stumbling downhill And goes directly into the for sale sign on the front lawn which is like a point At the end of it face-first into one of those for sale signs that has like the It's got the real estate agent like at on it. You know, it's like this house is being sold by this real estate agent But yes, it's one of those things where it has a point so she runs face-first into the point, you know fucking yelling herself. Yes And that's and then we catch up.

Yeah, we catch up with how who? Works. Yeah works at a supermarket. Um, his boss is another just like waste of a character.

Yep. Doesn't do anything funny Like I think it's just supposed to be funny that he's vaping. Yeah, I think he's vaping the whole time and everything that Theo James's character how is saying he's like he's so we see how he's reading a book on being a good parent It just so happens that that book is written by the Elijah Wood character who is married to his ex etc, but um, yeah, so he's like he tells his boss. He's like, you know, uh, whatever I need a couple days off or whatever I'm gonna I have my son Um for I only get to see him once a year and But like the the boss guy character is just vaping the whole time and he's just like everything his response everything is like oh that sucks Yeah sucks.

Right and that's like that's that's funny. Right. Yeah, right? Right.

I Fucking funny. Yeah, I'm laughing. Um, yeah, it's just like I get it. I get what you're doing.

It's not anything Yeah, it's just like it's nothing how so house as he only sees his kid once a year and he bosses like that sucks And he's like well, no, that's actually my choice. It's a long story, but it's better if he stays away from me I you know and so whatever Um then we get the scene at Elijah Wood's house, right where uh, you know, he's like this motivational speaker kind of guy Um, I was I was surprised to see pd was so old pd is like, yes 16 or 17 Yeah, I thought we could just gonna gonna adopt him for like a month Yeah, what are you talking about? Like the Elijah Wood character is like I plan on adopting your son and he's like what you can't just do that and yeah pd is like seems A little old to be adopted by his stepfather, but whatever. Yeah, um But in this he's saying that like I'm gonna adopt him and after this you're not gonna see him again and You know how is like well, I don't know about all that And it turns and then he's like Elijah Wood's like let's arm wrestle He says let's arm wrestle because that's a random thing to say and nobody arm wrestles He's like how's like what no and and that's when he leaves with pd um meanwhile in main uh They're having a state sale at an Idas and The monkey is for sale and what's his name?

Ricky? Yeah, Ricky buys the monkey because it reminds him of his father who was a cop who we see the weirdest Like VHS footage of his father in like dressed in his like cop uniform, but laying in bed Uh for like a second I it's so strange and out of nowhere and makes no sense and it doesn't make sense why this monkey reminds him of his dad None of it makes sense None of it. No, not not any of it in back. This is like yeah I don't know Ricky goes home and his mom is there and Ricky's brothers there Ricky's brother being like what seems like a A veteran of army marines or something like that and doesn't really speak.

Okay They they talk to him and they interact with him, but he does not respond Okay, okay Carrying on I guess how it takes pd that they're like Adam o'tell he's planning on taking it until like some amusement park or some shit But then he gets a he gets word that antida has died and that he he gets a call from his brother Uh bill who he has not spoken to in a long time And he says that an i does died and you have to go up to the house and how is like i'm not gonna do that He's like you have to do it and then he hangs up the phone. He's like I This is like this is the thing that I'm like so at this point i'm like fully out on this i'm like there's no motivation here Why would how do this he doesn't have to why would like bill had bill his older alpha brother who hasn't they haven't spoken in 25 years or whatever the fuck like Why does he have to listen to him? Why does he like do any of the following shit? Also That there's such precedent in steven king stuff For the monster from your childhood coming back at when you're an adult Yeah, and that phone call where he's like and i did died it was weird We have to do something right even if you want this to be the kind of thing where like bill is like He's gone insane.

Yeah, I'm worrying about the monkey right and like trying to get it and control it But like why not just use that jumping off point so that there's like Something something something so in wall Yeah, so during the conversation that bill is telling him that he has to go to anitis and shit like that Um how is standing outside of the motel room? There's like a pool He see there's like a sexy lady that in a bikini felt very like national lamp wounds vacation to me Um, and she's like about to you know go for a swim in this motel pool And then through like a series of roob goldberg sort of coincidences like an air conditioner falls off the roof Lands in a puddle of water felt very final destination to yeah And electrify is the pool so when she jumps into it is the second that she hits like a bug zapper She explodes she explodes with like body parts everywhere now This is a thing that will happen for the rest of the movie the people just exploding into people just exploding yeah, yeah, and I don't know. I don't hate this kill hate it. I don't hate let me i'm sorry hear me out I don't hate this setup for the kill right like I like the like the roob goldberg of it all i'm in on the sure it's fun People just exploding for no fucking reason.

Yeah, what a waste dude like you This movie must have been this movie must have cost five dollars to make It does it feels cheap, but all like all the kills Like pretty much all look like shit. They look like shit Um and doing this having people just explode instead of like having to deal with a practical effect or something Yes, or even just something more complicated and expensive than having someone explode Yep, like what a cop out man. Oh, totally doesn't make it doesn't make sense It doesn't it's almost funny in this because it's like the right it's like the jump and like it's unexpected But it's but it's not unexpected really the explosion the explosion is unexpected. Yes.

That's what I mean Yeah, I guess so yeah, but it's like the woman that dives in ate a bunch of dynamite before she dove into the point It's crazy the explosion that happens. Yeah, and then how is His reaction to this is to go back into his the motel room and scream into a pillow Because he knows that he has to go back to the house get the fucking stupid monkey, etc, etc Right He wakes up his son is like his son also was like he wants to know more about his dad because they're so estranged or whatever Right his son his 17-year-old son is doing a family tree project for school. Yeah, he's in the fifth grade. I believe right he's 17 in fifth grade This is like, okay, is it um God is it fucking Salem's lot two where the kid is like a wise?

He's just like a Street smart. I'm fucked up. Yeah, exactly. Yes, right?

It's that do that You can do that. Yeah, do a little bit of that Right. Why like your son should be like a shithead alpha, you know like like how son should be like kind of like bill kind of bill You know 100 percent so they have to go back to they have to go to anitis right and when they show up Well, sorry they young pd asks how like do you have any brothers or sisters and he says no You know, he's being like real cagey about his whole history Then once they actually get to anitis and whatnot They're met with a real estate agent and I did kind I did think this was a little bit funny because it felt relatable Where the real estate agent was just like yeah, your brother and she just kept saying your brother Right in it and like how is like like internally being like stop saying that because yes I told my son that I don't have a brother right and she was just like oh, yeah I tried contacting your brother, but your brother didn't answer his phone and your brother this and that and and whatever And the pd is like well up until this moment. I didn't know my dad had brother and whatever.

Yeah That's again. These are all like fine ideas and the execution is just so bad like even that the your brother thing There's one the like cherry on top of that whole gag or whatever Is like her starting a sentence by being like well, uh, you know, your brother said this then the other your brother I mean, yeah, like she says it and I'm just like I get what you're doing and that's it's annoying I I agree that is kind of it's a funny thing to write down. Yeah, and possibly even just like reading it back to yourself You're like yeah, that's funny. It's just like once it's coming out of a real person's mouth You're like yeah, I think I just think it's funny to be caught in a lie like that and the person just won't stop Sure calling you out.

Yeah, intentionally, you know, yeah, but uh, so This real estate who is a little quirky Dan if you She's a little blurge. She's a little blurge. She got like this very like pale white face, right? Um, but then she goes on to tell you know, she's talking about the house and whatever She's being very real estate agentee about the whole thing.

Um, and then she starts talking about yeah There've been a lot of uh strange deaths in the town lately And then it's like this sort of montage of some strange deaths where like one guy gets Uh, just like shot in the face with steam and it like melts off his face Another guy gets run over by a lawn mower This I hated the guy who gets run over by a lawn mower and there's blood spraying everywhere and his neighbor is like slack jawed neighbor Is just standing there getting sprayed with blood as he's also drinking a beer. Yeah again rob I hate it. I hate it. Uh, the the jokes Uh, it's got jokes.

Oh, it's got so many jokes, Dan Such a such a reverent approach to such a serious subject Uh death when they go up into one of the real quick. Oh sure. Oh sure. Can I say?

Yeah, I like steve like guys face melting Sure. I wasn't expecting them to show it because the simple practical effect of just shooting from behind the espresso So all you see is the steam. Yeah, then when they actually that they actually shows like all right. That's cool.

That's fun But yeah, so they go upstairs um Barbers just kind of like showing them, you know going through everything open indoors and stuff and They can't get into this closet. Yeah, it's locked. So they have to keep like using different keys or whatever and talk in the whole time Uh, she's telling how is telling, uh, theo James. I fucking hotty is yeah.

He's like, I can't believe you're so hot I can't believe I'm not sucking your dick right now. It's so weird to be around you without your cock in my mouth. Yeah Um Now how is asking like did you uh like did you find like a monkey did you guys and like he's like the region is like well We had an estate sale. I don't remember it being out there, but it's possible and whatever Okay, well and then they eventually get the door open and uh As the door is opening how is like wait?

No, no, no, no and the door opens and a shotgun that was leaning up against the door I guess falls over and uh Shoots the real estate agent and she goes asplosion a den Yes, she does because she shot with a gun so her whole body explodes it explodes into like just a giant miss he missed Yeah, it's crazy It's um, it is it's hilarious. It's random. It's so random. It's so shocking.

It's so uh Whatever is the Yeah, what were you gonna say? No, I just I was just gonna say like I don't know It's just everything so then howl has to like okay He's got a fucking figure out like he's got to get a hold of his brother because now he feels now He thinks that his brother is somehow behind this for what no reason he's not like this He feels this way because of nothing that he's seen besides like his brother telling him that he has to go to the house Okay, right and he goes through the phone book dan the phone book Yeah, the phone book. Yeah, it goes through the phone book the phone book the whole time You you hate that he goes through the phone book. I'm sorry, but it's 2025.

I can live with the I cannot abide this I can't that's weird that didn't that didn't bump you It bumped me hard because I was like this this is quaint this idea that everybody's name and number that the that these people's phone numbers Are landlines are somehow can like in you know collected and sent out to everybody in this phone book is crazy But anyway, yeah, that goes through all of it can't find his brother's name in there and then finds Um, he goes it flips over to m and finds mrs. Monkey. Yeah I don't get that. Why is it mrs.

Monkey? Uh because uh when they were kids and he and how was like when bill forced how to say oh that's like love the monkey is like You're mrs. Monkey. Okay.

I forgot about that. Okay. How could you forget dan? Right?

It's such an important moment So many important moments so many moments of consequence Yeah, um, so he calls the fucking monkey number and it's his brother bill And then we find out we get bills backstory here and how bill After they drop the monkey when they were kids they drop the monkey down the well uh young bill Uh went down the well and got right well bill has for the monkey, but he could find it. Yes first bill has this moment one night Right. He has this epiphany. Mm-hmm.

The monkey gives him an evil epiphany. Yeah, right? He's staring out into the darkness and he sees the monkey And I I liked well enough this sound design of like the monkey cracklin sure you like that. Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine It's completely fine. Um, but the monkey basically conjures an epiphany for him that um bill killed their mom. He used the monkey to kill or sorry Yeah, how can yeah, you somehow kill your mom and so now bill is like pot He's he's committed to getting the monkey so that he can get revenge on his brother for taking his mom away Right. So he wants to use the monkey to kill his brother.

Okay. Okay. All right. Um So yes, uh, so and then we get like this montage of bill and it sort of his life and how shitty his life is dude The tuxedo.

Uh-huh. I can not there's no jerk-off motion big enough. No, not funny that is it's so Annoying it's so old bill grown up bill finds his childhood tuck childhood tuxedo and um You know basically like retailers it so that it fits his now adult body Right. What he does is he combines it with this like guy fairy flame button down shirt.

Yeah that we see him wearing I think it's probably the day that the mom dies right. Yeah, yeah So he yeah, he extends the suit using the shirt. So it's like a tuxedo, but then a two small Two small suit. I don't know.

I'm saying tuxedo too small suit and then the middle is filled in with like a flamestr Right. It looks like a cumberbund. Yeah, it does So when young bill went down to the well looking for the monkey, uh, it was gone and he just found the key So he's been looking for the monkey this whole time Um In these like flashbacks or whatever the montage there's a moment where bill is at strip club and he's looking at stripper And she's got she's got her back to him and she bends over and the face It's it's a monkey head on the stripper's body. Can I say yeah pretty good?

I thought that was pretty good I was like in this desert of yeah, I was like that's pretty good Yeah, and it's the kind of thing where like it comes and goes. I'm like, I kind of wish she teased that out a little longer You know, you know really like pan, you know, show me some legs Not really that but just like live in that moment a little longer. Yeah, um, so what we find out is that ricky that the thrashers kid Richard kind in a jugular runewig he uh He was employed by bill to find the monkey and then he he sold bill The monkey for like 15 bucks or 20 bucks or something like that Yeah, um and now we see he wants the monkey back because it reminds him of his dad Uh, he keeps saying this and goes to extreme measures to get the monkey back. Like I don't get this I motivation at all day.

I don't either. I don't either This kid who hates his father, right? Who's like and this monkey reminds him of his dad for an unknown reason Is like I need to have this monkey back. Yep.

Okay, and bill is like no, it's mine. Go away. Um And yeah, that that's when um he goes he also is somehow privy to bill deducing that Um pd needs to turn the key on the monkey to kill hell or that's like bill's theory Yeah, this is a little convoluted, but he bill realizes that whoever turns the key does not die. Yeah, so um His sort of suggestion or his thought at least is to have pd do it So pd won't die but hopefully in pd turning the key so many as many times as necessary.

Uh, he will kill uh, how Now at this point i'm like well bill Why don't you just take some goddamn initiative and kill your brother yourself? Right like get a knife and do it. Yeah with your bare hands. Yeah Like a like a dam like a man.

Yeah, not some goofball who's leaving it up to a toy monkey Okay, well that would because I would put like two characters in a scene having a conversation Right, which this movie is allergic to it feels like it feels like no one is ever in the room together Like anytime there are two people In a room having a conversation the joke is that one of them has nothing to say Yeah, right like even the scene where it's how and the real estate agent barbara barb is doing all the talking How is just standing there going uh uh uh? Yeah, yeah, oh man. You're right. That's Yeah, that's bad.

So all right, um, they uh bill and not bill. I'm sorry how and uh pd um after Like after the whole thing with the real estate agent whenever how kind of he fills pd in on a little bit of what's going on He's like there was this monkey that killed everybody and whatever and pd's like the fuck are you talking about? um They go back to the motel and he's like I I have to go do I have to go deal with my brother I'm sorry. I didn't tell you about him, but I have to go do this and i'm sorry, but uh, you can't come with me And at this point they get up.

There's a knock on the door and it's uh, it's ricky To his dad's cops uniform right in his dad's cop costume And he's he's like open the fucking door and he has gone please and he he takes them hostage and brings them to uh bills like How would you describe this giant fucking warehouse? Yeah his lair his lair. It's like this is compound It's it's enormous. It feels enormous.

It feels like it's a three-story apartment building or something. Yeah, but he takes him to this uh place bills lair Then he tells pd because there's like a dog door or whatever that ricky can't get through but pd is small enough and he says pd You go in there you get the pd is small enough even though pd's 19 years old. Yeah, he's yeah, he's a big he's a big boy Whatever uh sends pd and to get the monkey and just to bring it that his instructions are to bring out the monkey, right? Okay, so pd goes in um, he's there are all kinds of like Booby traps right as soon as he walks in he trips and acts that like swings across and almost hits him Yep, swings across the hallways I mean as he's going up the stairs He sees a tripwire and he looks up and there are three samurai swords sort of dangling there Uh-huh And then the camera shows us um that there's just sort of like a big mouse trap style rub Goldberg device set up We don't fully know how it works right, but we know it's there yep Okay, that's well, you know check offs gun introduce it in the third act and then bring it back 10 minutes later Yes You know that old rule?

Yeah of the ata So check offs other rule is don't actually have any act Yeah, just sort of keep writing until you pick your quota until the check clears till the check clears um so pd goes in he sees uh bill sees the monkey and then they're like Uh, yeah pd is like oh my you really do look like my dad and all this and he's like, oh, yeah Uh, and he's trying to play like he's a normal guy, you know, and he's like oh this this monkey Oh, there's just like a toy. Why don't you uh, why don't you turn the key and see what happens just like the saying on the box? So pd is like, okay. Oh we forgot to mention remember the the like life thing They pay that off in the middle of the movie How do they what do they do?

They're just like and he says yeah, it's like life. Oh, yeah because random and retest or whatever, right? So that's good, right? It's bad writing so fucking pd turns the key nothing happens Um and then bill gets very frustrated.

Oh wait. I'm sorry. Is this the wasps. This is the wall.

Sorry. Yeah, so Wait, so I'm sorry wait a second then because before this we like we see the like you you point out like the roop Goldberg sort of contraption that um Runstooth builds but it is activated like the bowling ball goes into the cannon and but just it just doesn't it doesn't find it's just setting it up No, it doesn't even do that. I don't think I thought that was all that no because up hold on. Oh, so we see the ball go Okay, you're probably right.

You're probably right but I forget he turns the key to actually make that happen. Hold on Anyway, yeah, this it's while p is walking into the fucking building. Yes. Okay.

There you go He sees the samurai swords and then yeah, and then like there's like a thing that the bowling ball goes into the cannon and is set up to Eventually fire so what I okay. So I turns the key. Sorry go on. No.

No. I was just gonna say so p yeah p turns the key We go back outside it to the car where how and uh ricky are ricky Of course is like scratching his nose with the gun and that's funny because like that's that's not what you do with guns It's really not it shouldn't be um and he accidentally discharges his service arm And puts a hole in the windshield. Yep, also Agitating this like wasps nest. Yeah, the bullet also goes through the wasps nest and then the wasps Start flying in through the hole in the windshield directly into Ricky's mouth filling ricky with wasps and killing him And then you know we get the thing where like little red splotches appear on his face and they start like eating through him or whatever It's all very very nasty nasty business This is ricky's a nasty boy.

It's a nasty boy. It's full of wasps full of wasps. Oh god speaking of the trump administration Am I gonna sound like rfk forever? Yeah, I'm worried Yeah, it's hard to do it's hard to do if we if you don't have a fucked up voice already, that's right So how now is like how now brown cow?

He gets out of cars like I'm going in. Yeah, I'm gonna save my boy So he gets in whatever they're all in the room together Um, oh this is also when bill gets frustrated with the monkey Yes, and he starts like trying to force its arm down and he's trying to make it do what he wants it to do And it won't and it like slips out of his hands after a struggle And then the monkey gets mad and starts banging the shit out of the drum just about rudiments rudiments rudiments It's uh, it's dragging or it's speeding. It's dragging. It's what's that movie?

Whiplash whiplash. It's doing it's playing caravan on that little snare. Um, and then like everything in the town goes crazy Like you look out the window. I got the fire the monkey not quite my tempo.

No, not quite my tempo. Not quite my tempo. I like that A plane crashes through the roof. Um, a groom falls through and then we see a wife like dangling a bride rather dangling from Something who knows bloodied dead.

Yeah, who cares? Yeah, so the monkey is just like just like raising this town to the ground. Yeah, um, yes Every all hell is breaking loose here. Um How gets into the building and then confronts bill and bill In the most sort of like childish sort of way is just like well, you killed my mom And that's why i've been trying to kill you with the monkey and then how is like Yeah, I I didn't know that's what was gonna happen, but she was my mom too, right and then bill says oh well I never thought about that and You know what at this point i'm throwing rocks at this Weirdly that moment of just like because like that actually feels kind of true to life where like you have this huge mental block And the only thing stopping you is the fact that you are so caught up on it Yeah, I feel like there's some truth to that.

Yeah now. Okay Go on go on. Is any of that is any of it earned? Not not not a second not not at all not at all again This is the first time how and bill as adults have interacted in this fucking movie.