The Moon And Sixpence 12.8

"How oldare you? Twenty-three?"

It seemed to methat the question was beside the point. It was natural that I should takechances; but he was a man whose youth was past, a stockbroker with a positionof respectability, a wife and two children. A course that would have beennatural for me was absurd for him. I wished to be quite fair.

"Of coursea miracle may happen, and you may be a great painter, but you must confess thechances are a million to one against it. It'll be an awful sell if at the endyou have to acknowledge you've made a hash of it. "

"I've gotto paint, " he repeated.

"Supposingyou're never anything more than third-rate, do you think it will have beenworth while to give up everything? After all, in any other walk in life itdoesn't matter if you're not very good; you can get along quite comfortably ifyou're just adequate; but it's different with an artist. "

"Youblasted fool, " he said.

"I don'tsee why, unless it's folly to say the obvious. "

"I tellyou I've got to paint. I can't help myself. When a man falls into the water itdoesn't matter how he swims, well or badly: he's got to get out or else he'lldrown. "

There was realpassion in his voice, and in spite of myself I was impressed. I seemed to feelin him some vehement power that was struggling within him; it gave me thesensation of something very strong, overmastering, that held him, as it were,against his will. I could not understand. He seemed really to be possessed of adevil, and I felt that it might suddenly turn and rend him. Yet he lookedordinary enough. My eyes, resting on him curiously, caused him noembarrassment. 

“你多大年纪？二十三岁？”

我觉得他提这个问题与我们谈的事毫不相干。如果我想碰碰运气做一件什么事的话，这是极其自然的事；但是他的青年时代早已过去了，他是一个有身份有地位的证券经纪人，家里有一个老婆、两个孩子。对我说来是自然的道路在他那里就成为荒谬悻理的了。但是我还是想尽量对他公道一些。

“当然了，也许会发生奇迹，你也许会成为一个大画家。但你必须承认，这种可能性是微乎其微的。假如到头来你不得不承认把事情搞得一塌糊涂，你就后悔莫及了。”

“我必须画画儿，”他又重复了一句。

“假如你最多只能成为一个三流画家，你是不是还认为值得把一切都抛弃掉呢？不管怎么说，其他各行各业，假如你才不出众，并没有多大关系；只要还能过得去，你就能够舒舒服服地过日子；但是当一个艺术家完全是另一码事。”

“你他妈的真是个傻瓜。”他说。

“我不知道你为什么这么说，除非我这样把最明显的道理说出来是在干傻事。”

“我告诉你我必须画画儿。我由不了我自己。一个人要是跌进水里，他游泳游得好不好是无关紧要的，反正他得挣扎出去，不然就得淹死。”

他的语音里流露着一片热诚，我不由自主地被他感动了。我好象感觉到一种猛烈的力量正在他身体里面奋力挣扎；我觉得这种力量非常强大，压倒一切，仿佛违拗着他自己的意志，并把他紧紧抓在手中。我理解不了。他似乎真的让魔鬼附体了，我觉得他可能一下子被那东西撕得粉碎。但是从表面上看，他却平平常常。我的眼睛好奇地盯着他，他却一点也不感到难为情。