The Moon And Sixpence 29.3

"Icouldn't believe it. It seemed so improbable. She couldn't bear the sight ofhim. It was more than improbable; it was incredible. I thought it was merelyjealousy. You see, I've always been jealous, but I trained myself never to showit; I was jealous of every man she knew; I was jealous of you. I knew shedidn't love me as I loved her. That was only natural, wasn't it? But sheallowed me to love her, and that was enough to make me happy. I forced myselfto go out for hours together in order to leave them by themselves; I wanted topunish myself for suspicions which were unworthy of me; and when I came back Ifound they didn't want me -- not Strickland, he didn't care if I was there ornot, but Blanche. She shuddered when I went to kiss her. When at last I wascertain I didn't know what to do; I knew they'd only laugh at me if I made ascene. I thought if I held my tongue and pretended not to see, everything wouldcome right. I made up my mind to get him away quietly, without quarrelling. Oh,if you only knew what I've suffered!"

Then he told meagain of his asking Strickland to go. He chose his moment carefully, and triedto make his request sound casual; but he could not master the trembling of hisvoice; and he felt himself that into words that he wished to seem jovial andfriendly there crept the bitterness of his jealousy. He had not expectedStrickland to take him up on the spot and make his preparations to go there andthen; above all, he had not expected his wife's decision to go with him. I sawthat now he wished with all his heart that he had held his tongue. He preferredthe anguish of jealousy to the anguish of separation.

"I wantedto kill him, and I only made a fool of myself. "

He was silentfor a long time, and then he said what I knew was in his mind.

“我不相信，我认为这是不可能的。她那么讨厌这个人。这种事根本不可能，简直不能令人相信。我本来以为这是我的嫉妒心在作祟。你知道，我一向是非常嫉妒的，但是我训练了自己，从来不表现出来。她认识的每一个人我都嫉妒，连你我都嫉妒。我知道她不象我爱她那样爱我。这是很自然的，不是吗？但是她允许我爱她，这样我就觉得幸福了。我强逼着自己到外面去，一待就是好几个钟头，让他们两人单独在一起。我认为我这样怀疑她降低了我的人格，我要惩罚自己。可是当我从外面回来以后我发现他们并不需要我——思特里克兰德需要不需要我倒没关系，我在家不在家对他根本无所谓，我是说我发现勃朗什并不需要我。当我走过去吻她的时候，她浑身一颤。最后我对这件事已经知道得千真万确，可是又不知道该怎么办。我知道如果我大吵大闹一场，只能引起他们的嘲笑。我认为如果我假装什么都没看到，并不把这件事挑明，也许事情就过去了。我打定主意悄悄地把他打发走，用不着吵架。咳，要是我能告诉你我心里那个痛苦劲儿就好了！”

接着他把叫思特里克兰德搬出去的事又说了一遍。他很小心地选择了一个时机，他尽量使自己的语气显得很随便，但是他还是无法克制自己。他的声音颤抖起来，本来想说得亲切、逗笑的话语却流露出嫉妒的怒火。他没有想到自己一说，思特里克兰德就同意了，而且马上就收拾起东西来。最出乎他意料的是，他的妻子也要同思特里克兰德一起走。看得出来，他非常懊悔，真希望自己继续隐忍下去。比起分离的痛苦来，他宁愿忍受妒火的煎熬。

“我要杀死他，结果却徒然使自己出丑。”

他沉默了半晌，最后他说出的我知道是郁积在他心里的话。