The Moon And Sixpence 8.4

And this news was slightlydisconcerting to me personally, because I had written from the country to Mrs.Strickland, announcing my return, and had added that unless I heard from her tothe contrary, I would come on a certain day to drink a dish of tea with her.This was the very day, and I had received no word from Mrs. Strickland. Did shewant to see me or did she not? It was likely enough that in the agitation ofthe moment my note had escaped her memory. Perhaps I should be wiser not to go.On the other hand, she might wish to keep the affair quiet, and it might behighly indiscreet on my part to give any sign that this strange news hadreached me. I was torn between the fear of hurting a nice woman's feelings andthe fear of being in the way. I felt she must be suffering, and I did not wantto see a pain which I could not help; but in my heart was a desire, that I felta little ashamed of, to see how she was taking it. I did not know what to do.Finally it occurred to methat I would call as though nothing had happened, and send a message in by themaid asking Mrs. Strickland if it was convenient for her to see me. This wouldgive her the opportunity to send me away. But I was overwhelmed withembarrassment when I said to the maid the phrase I had prepared, and while Iwaited for the answer in a dark passage I had to call up all my strength ofmind not to bolt. The maid came back. Her manner suggested to my excited fancya complete knowledge of the domestic calamity.除此以外，这个新闻也给我个人添了点儿小麻烦。原来我在乡下就给思特里克兰德太太写了信，通知她我回伦敦的日期，并且在信中说好如果她不回信另作安排的话，我将在某月某日到她家去吃茶。我遇见瓦特尔芙德小姐正是在这一天，可是思特里克兰德太太并没有给我捎什么信来。她到底想不想见我呢？非常可能，她在心绪烦乱中把我信里订的约会忘到脑后了。也许我应该有自知之明，不去打扰她。可是另一方面，她也可能想把这件事瞒着我，如果我叫她猜出来自己已经听到这件奇怪的消息，那就太不慎重了。我既怕伤害这位夫人的感情，又怕去她家作客惹她心烦，心里非常矛盾。我知道她这时一定痛苦不堪，我不愿意看到别人受苦，自己无力替她分忧；但另一方面我又很想看一看思特里克兰德太太对这件事有何反应，尽管我对这个想法自己也觉得不好意思。我真不知道该怎么办好了。最后我想了个主意：我应该象什么事也没发生那样到她家去，先叫使女进去问一声，思特里克兰德太太方便不方便会客。如果她不想见我，就可以把我打发走了。尽管如此，在我对使女讲起我事前准备的一套话时，我还是窘得要命。当我在幽暗的过道里等着回话的当儿，我不得不鼓起全部勇气才没有中途溜掉。使女从里面走出来。也可能是我过于激动，胡乱猜想，我觉得从那使女的神情看，好象她已经完全知道这家人遭遇的不幸了。