100%. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. For everybody that has not yet done it, we want to remind you that we are doing the Two Bears 5K May 9th at the Pasadena Rose Bowl. Hopefully this comes out before May.
I think this comes out in September. Oh, cool. That is a good point. We should have it come out before then.
This is part of the Netflix is a Joke Festival. Tons of comedians will be there. It's been so fun. This is our third in a row, and our second time back at the Rose Bowl.
It really is so cool whether you're an avid runner or you're a beginner or you weigh 400, 500, 600 pounds, whatever your condition is, you can walk it. You can crawl it. You can get spit on as you do it. You can get run over by a golf cart.
You can run as fast as you want. We've almost done as many 5Ks as episodes this year. Yeah, it's awesome. And it's going to be a wrap.
This is it. This is it, guys. I'm excited for the 5K. I'm really excited.
Oh, and of course, hold on. You got to register at twobears5k.com. So if you want to do it, twobears5k.com. It's going to be big this year, and I am in the best shape I've ever been in.
Ever? I've been the best ever been in. I've never felt lighter on my feet. Well, maybe because you're one of the lightest you've been in years.
I'm the lightest I've been in, oh, wow, in probably 22 years. What? Yeah. Wait, how much do you weigh?
I don't talk about weight now. I've changed my digital footprint, Tom. I don't show my workouts. I don't talk about weight.
I don't post pictures of how fucking amazing I look. I just do the work, Tom. Cool. How much do you weigh?
I don't know. You know. Let's just say 220s. You're in your 220s right now.
Yeah. And you were 270? 275. So you've lost like over 50 pounds?
Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ, man. I've never felt lighter on my feet in my entire life. And like the other day, we were in Chicago.
Or no, we were in D.C. And I got on my bus. I was just staying there for two days. Yeah.
And I ran five miles so effortlessly that I was like, this is crazy. Here's the other thing. I'm sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night. 10 to 12 hours a night.
Dude, on the road, I'm sleeping aggressively, like an eighth grader. Are you taking something to sleep? Nope. Tom, I wanna just preface this with I am disgusted by sobriety talk.
It's all that's in my feed. That's all that comes my way. It's some broken toy telling me how to live my life. Some fucking ex-whore from Philly telling me how to fucking optimize my life and telling me about BPC-157 and Testop.
You're so late to the fucking game. All of you fucking... That's not a very point. Back when I was drinking, you know what I used to do?
I'd drink a water bottle full of vodka. And then if I didn't suck a guy's dick before the show started, and you're like, you're in a different page tonight. Okay, stop doing these testimonials. That's all I get.
My whole feed is sobriety talk. And I'm exhausted. The only person I listen to when it comes to sobriety is Nick Swartzen. He seems to have the almost even-keeled motherfucker.
And by the way, him talking about his sobriety is... Him and Shia LaBeouf. Shia is... Shia was refreshing.
When he talked about freedom and wanting to be able to put your foot in the mysticism every now and then. Dude, that interview with Shia was fucking incredible. Put a pin in Shia and Nick, okay? Because I wanna get back to that.
Yeah, sure. So I don't like talking about sobriety and stuff, everything, but I... Obviously, with the blood clot, I can't drink. And then I haven't leaned into weed yet.
Because I haven't really... I never really like... I didn't turn a corner on like the enjoying the sobriety until too late. Yeah.
So I didn't wanna go right into weed to try to find happiness immediately. And I've been now for a couple months not doing anything. Dude, I sleep like crazy. I sleep.
I sleep, close my eyes, and wake up easy every night 10 hours later. If I allow myself to go back to sleep, I sleep 12 hours. My scores are in the green almost every night on my Whoop. My Whoop hours.
I haven't been in sleep debt, Tom, in two months. I've been out of sleep debt. I've lowered my biological age by like... It sounds tough.
By like two years. The most manic fucking rant that I've ever... Dude, I... You need to check into a mental health facility.
This is what sobriety does to people, Tom. It makes them crazy. And they start believing their own fucking Kool-Aid they're drinking. So are you like fully sober then?
I mean, nothing. Coffee, that's it. That's it. That's it.
And you're in your 220s, and you run five miles effortlessly. Effortlessly, Tom. And you sleep 10 to 12 hours a night. It's crazy.
What time are you going to bed, bro? I went to bed at like 9 o'clock last night. You slept till 9? I slept till 8:30 this morning.
Jesus Christ. And Tom, I don't move in bed. I stopped snoring. I don't snore anymore.
And Leanna and I have separate bedrooms. She's gone. It's just me in the house. We have separate bedrooms now because I kicked out her bed because I was snoring.
And I sleep. I mean, I don't... I have amazing dreams. And I remember all my dreams when I wake up.
I wake up, I have a cup of coffee. I journal. I go into the gym. I work out.
I come. I mean, it's like... It's on the road. The only thing that sucks is like the witching hour when you'd want to have a drink.
Because I still think about it. When's that hour? Around... Oh, it starts around noon and goes until...
No, it's like... When, like, today it'll be like 6 o'clock, 7 o'clock when the sun starts setting. Yeah. And on the road, it's right when I tell the machine story.
Like, when I ask on tour, right when I tell the machine story, I'm like, I look to my drinks and I go, I would love a little... I would love weed. I would love weed, but I haven't had it yet. And so I'm just kind of like...
I'm waiting until... I'm waiting until I don't think about it. Like, you know what I thought today, Tom? And I think me and you are the only ones.
Not the only ones. Other people have been injured. But do you remember when you injured yourself and then you were like, kind of going, like, timid on bench press and timid on squats? And then one day you didn't think about it and then you just went for squats?
That's what I'm gonna do with weed. One day you're just gonna eat a bag of weed. Yeah, when I'm not thinking about it. When I'm not going, like, I need something.
I want something to turn the corner. And then I can't drink until, not counting, but July 12th. And so July 12th, I don't know if I'll drink that day or maybe like a month before, but I don't know. Yeah.
What's up with this Tarantino, Rosanna Arquette N-word thing? What? I know. I just, I don't know.
I've just seen something. What is that? Okay, personally, I am over the use of the N-word. I hate it.
Arquette said in an interview, cannot stand that Tarantino has given a hall pass. It's not art. It's just racist and creepy. Right.
So that's what she said on Monday. He said, I hope the publicity you're getting from 130 different media outlets writing your name and printing your picture was worth disrespecting me in a film I remember quite clearly you were thrilled to be a part of. He wrote in a statement addressed directly to Arquette in the movie. Arquette played Jodi, wife to Eric Sosa's drug dealer character in Pulp Fiction.
Do you feel this way now? Very possibly. Tarantino continued. But after I gave you a job and you took the money to trash it for what I suspect is very cynical reasons, showed a decided lack of class, no less honor.
Arquette's criticism of Tarantino's use of the N-word is far from the first expressed, of course, as uttered about 20 times in Pulp Fiction and Django Unchained. It's uttered 110 times. However, Tarantino's use of the N-word in screenplays has long been defended by the film star Samuel Jackson and his frequent collaborator, Samuel Jackson. Sorry, Jamie Foxx and Samuel Jackson.
Here's his. Yeah, we saw that. We read that already. This is supposed to be an esprit de corps between artistic colleagues, but it would be appear the objective was accomplished.
Congratulations, Q. Well, he's really been, though, like this on this tear of just shitting on people, I guess. And I always find it interesting when somebody that's like high, high level, high accomplished will And with access to simple personalized care that fits your life and your hair goals. Do not need to improvise this.
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Next year, we're going together. We're bringing four of us. Tommy, it was so fun. It was so fun.
And the food through the roof. I mean, everything you ate. I was just with my chef, the Chichabumba chef, like an hour ago. I had a phone call with my donut company.
Oh, my God. I can't understand a word they said. And I keep thinking, I know, I know. We opened a remote location, 101 West 6th Street, where we drop stuff off every day.
So if you're walking around downtown, it's in the Scarborough building on 6th Street. So I stopped by. It just opened yesterday. And I was with him.
And then we went to the fairground food hall and just kind of, like, caught up there. And then he was like, he goes, I went to a place for breakfast over the weekend. It had, like, five stars and 3,000 reviews on Yelp. Such shit.
The biggest piece of shit I've ever eaten in my life. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. He's like, where are those eggs were cold. The bacon cold.
It's just shit. Like somebody took a shit on a plate. And I'm like, wow. Like that.
That passion of shitting on this place, which I won't name. But yeah, they they go hard at other restaurants. I am. I am so excited because I'm coming down to Austin in two weeks.
And I'm so excited. I have big plans. I haven't been there in a while. And I want to pick your boys up from school.
I want you to go. They get so excited. They would be so excited. I want to go to Chichabomba.
I want to go to Chichabomba so bad. Please. You have no idea how bad I want to go to Chichabomba. You got to go in the morning.
Got to go in the morning. What's crazy, Tom, is I'm the lightest I've ever been in 22 years. I saw Isla the other night. Isla came out to one of my shows.
And she was, she was like, first thing she said when she saw me is, you have fingers. I said, what? She goes, you've had sausages your whole life. You have like, I can see your bones in your fingers.
She goes, what do your ankles look like? I was like, wow. She goes, I want to see your ankles. I showed my ankles and she was like, Isla said to me, you get, I'm going to give you two days this year that you can drink two days.
And that's it. And I went, really? She goes, yeah. She goes, you look incredible.
She's like, I've never seen you like this. That's great, man. Don't you feel good? Yeah.
And then, yeah. And then I was like, get out of your fucking mind. I see you seven days a year. You think I'm going to cut it down to just two?
Fucking pulling my dick off. When do you turn it up again? So if you have to go out the sauce, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't like what's happening in society with kids getting away from alcohol. No, no, no, no. I meant, I meant the Manjaro. Oh yeah.
Yeah. I mean, if you want to let it rip, you can't do it on that, right? I was doing it on it. But I thought you said, you're like, I don't really have a taste for it.
It doesn't. Well, I haven't had a taste for it since I quit drinking, but I think that's part of pair and parcel, parcel and pair. What is it? What?
What is that? Annie, will you Google that? Pair and parcel, part and parcel. Try to use bigger words.
Okay. I saw this guy's Instagram this morning and he said, every morning when I wake up, I make myself a cappuccino and I read. Then I go into the city. I sit at a bar.
I have a pastry and I have one more cappuccino and I start a conversation. And that is my day. Okay. And I went, I want that to be my day and I want to be in Austin and I want my day in Austin is going to go.
I'm going to wake up and have a cappuccino. I'm gonna stay at your house. I think by the way, like in Austin. I'm gonna have a cappuccino.
I'm gonna go. I realized I don't spend enough time with the kids. I'm gonna have a cappuccino. And then I'm going to go into the city to Chichabomba and have another cappuccino and a pastry.
Then I pick up my two kids from school. I take them to a shooting range and we shoot assault rifles. If you go to the shooting range with them, you'll be their favorite human being ever. That's all I want to do.
That's all I want to do is hang out with your boys. And I want Leanne to hang out with your boys with me. So she sees how much, Oh, I have a great question for you. Yeah.
Okay. Let's pause it, but keep going where we're going. We're Googling something. And then I'll ask you the question.
Okay. What were we talking about? Part and parcel means an essential integral or unavoidable component of something. Often highlighting a feature that cannot be separated from the whole.
It's commonly used to describe necessary, albeit sometimes unpleasant aspects of a job, life or situation. As in stress is part and parcel of the job. That's great. That is, that is such a perfect transition into the conversation I want to have.
Okay. So two things have happened in my life that are non-negotiables. Okay. Part and parcel.
Leanne moved me out of her room into my own room and Leanne stopped cooking. Non-negotiable. These are great things. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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But there's women. There are women that I follow on Instagram. I got to stop following these women. They're going to figure out who the fuck they are.
Yeah. They do that? That's crazy. I think that's a crazy expense.
There are women who almost look at their comfort as a non-negotiable. Their comfort as a female and you are to provide for them as a male. Now, we've never been trained to see that in sitcom because it's always the fat loser who has the chick and then schlub, schlub, schlub. Like shows like Freeberg.
But uh, but I just said halfway through that, I was like, I think I'm describing my own show. But you, but you look at what's out online and it's all these women who are done up, who have nice cars and have expensive shit. And you, and they're non-negotiables are like, I need a guy to take care of me. Yeah.
That shit is, that's so gross. I mean, like, thank God that we didn't end up in something like that. Like, no, that's the worst man. Like where the trade-off is like, yeah, I'm with you, but this shit better be fucking nice.
24 seven. Like, no. Think of the guys. Think of the guys who have hemorrhaged their life.
They've just mortgaged out everything to keep their chick happy with like, by buying her. Yeah. That's horrible. That's horrible.
I think that's horrible. I've seen that. I remember, I remember like, um, Oh my God. One of the first acting classes I ever took in LA had all these like women that were like not serious about it, but they were just taking this class and they're all like kept women, but like by Bel Air guys, you know?
And it was clearly like already we were, I mean, I was in my twenties and they already had like facelifts and, and tit jobs and crazy cars. And you know what I mean? Like it was all just like a, a thing where the guy, the guy was 30 years older and that was the trade-off. Like I'll look hot and you buy me nice stuff.
It's, it's gross. It would be kind of cool if you could like go to like impoverished countries and keep a woman there. Oh, you can. That would be, you want to do that?
That'd be a fun bit. What would you do for the show? Let's That would be a fun reality show. Kept women.
Kept women. And I think we could do it for like a hundred bucks a month. I, I was, I was really, no lie, I was thinking about 25 grand a year. Oh, way less.
Way less. And the trade-off could be like, okay, I just want you to put photos of me up all over your house. You know what I mean? And say like, have a shrine to me, pray to me in the mornings, you know?
Um, and then like have your family cook a dinner and pretend that I'm there and they have like a blow-up doll of you there. How fun would that vacation be? To be sitting there and you're like, you want to have a festival? We're not gonna stay at our house.
I got us a hotel for the weekend at the Four Seasons. And then like, you bring your family there and they're like, who is this? You know, it was kind of my wife. But it's here in the Philippines.
I know a dude. I know a dude who, uh, I, I hope it doesn't get to him because it's gonna sound shitty, but I hope he knows that this is what really happened. He was married to a regular chick, right? Like a regular chick.
Like, let's paint out regular. Like, uh, like about 160, 5'5". Okay. Not the most beautiful chick.
Okay. Nice. Yeah. Uh, I really hope he never hears this.
Like, uh, and, and, and he wasn't, he was not attractive. He was not attractive. I think they're starting to see the picture you're painting. They're like, huh.
I wish I could send you a picture of him so you knew how unattractive. Like if you said cookie cutter, uh, middle, middle-class American white male, it's that guy. Like 240 pounds with his unattractive wife. Got it.
And? And he got a job working for like a big production company. He definitely knows you're talking about him now. Okay.
Okay. Edit that out. Edit that out. Okay.
Edit that out. He went on a trip to the and decided he was going to work. And he married a 10. A 10.
And he got rid, divorced his wife. Yeah. Got rid of his life here. Yeah.
And he lives there now. Still. He's still there. He sends Christmas cards every now and then with him and his family.
And they're all in the same shirt. And he is, he sticks out so aggressively. Of course. Of course.
But he traded his life here to be a millionaire with one of the hotter women I've ever seen in my entire life. I mean, I think this is a path that a lot of people, more like a substantial number of people take this path. Especially like middle age, frustrated, you know, where they go like, this is just not panning out. And it's like, yeah, you can take what you've got to a more underdeveloped place and be like a king.
I think it's quite appealing to a lot of people, man. So can you bleep out certain words so it's not clear because it'll, he'll know it's him when I say this. Right before he left, him and his wife were going to sell everything and, and that was going to be his life. And he was drinking with me and he was like, I mean, I guess that's a good move, right?
And then he takes one trip. And he's and he's like, this is insane. And he's like, my money goes so far. Yeah.
And then he finds out that his job could be transferred there. divorces his wife, moves there, gets a fucking high-paying job. Lives like Dan Bilzerian. Yeah.
He's just living it up. And he's still 240 pounds. Happier than shit, probably. Uh, never had in his life.
Like just the fucking. Do you still chat with him? Every now and then, every now and then I'll get a tech, I get a Christmas card from him, but uh, I think he, someone cuts his yard with scissors. Like it's, so wait, here's the question, right?
Now, and this is gonna come off a little odd. Uh-huh. So like clearly for like 25 grand, you can get the hottest The lady that built it was Maryweather Post. She's the heir to the Post cereal fortune.
She built it so that dignitaries and actresses and athletes, dignitaries, dignitaries, I think there's an F in there. And so she built it for like $20 million in the fucking 20s, 30s, whatever. Trump bought it for like $8. Really?
Trump bought it for $8 or $10, and then he found out there was like $5 million worth of art inside there. So he got $5 million worth of art, leveraged that. Here's the problem. Trump couldn't keep the daily cost of keeping Mar-a-Lago up and running, and they were only giving like $100,000 a year to keep it up and running.
So that's why he turned into a country club. You want to talk about what a gangster move Trump did? He knew he was competing with all the other country clubs in Palm Beach. So what he did is he goes, Huh, I got something they can't argue against.
Guys, I'm allowing blacks, gays, and Jews in this country club. And fucking West Palm was like, What the fuck? And he was like, Take it up with the ACLU. And $25 grand, it was $25 grand initially to join Mar-a-Lago.
It's way more now. $25 grand. Yeah. But I did a deep dive on it.
I was curious about it. But he made a killing on that fucking place. It says that the negotiation tactic he used was that he initially offered to buy it for $15 million, was rejected, then bought the nearby beachfront land for $2 million and threatened to build a house that would block the ocean view. Yeah.
Driving down the price of the property. And then ended up purchased for $10 million in '85, which is probably like $30 million today. Our president said publicly he got it for $8. That's what the news does, fake media.
Well, that's right, sure. Well, it says he got $5 million for the mansion, $3 million for the furnishings, and $2 million for the adjacent beachfront land. The two looks like it was separate. So I think you're right.
It's $8 million. Yeah. But I've been really into documentaries lately. Like, right before I go to bed, I turn on a documentary.
And that was a good one. And look, open it to Jews and blacks. He's so insane, dude. We're going to miss him.
You think so? Yeah. The entertainment value. Oh, yeah.
He's entertaining. Yeah. I mean, it's, you know. You know, I'll tell you what.
I said this about George Bush Jr. When he was president, everyone thought. You forget how much everyone hated him. Yeah, so much.
And I said, we're going to miss him. Yeah. It just gets worse. If you're into crazy ex-girlfriends, they just get crazier.
We're not going. We're not, we'll go back. We'll have one or two normies, but we're going to, we're going to, it's going to get even. Think about what social media is and what's online.
There's dudes online, straight up white dudes, straight up saying the N-word and going like, I don't care. What are you going to do, cancel me? Well, I don't care. Fuck it.
Fuck you. And that is the future of the youth. The youth is, the youth's off. And I think it's, everyone's microdosing and eating edibles and doing BPC-157 and optimizing their sleep.
And they're all online. No one's living. Everyone's like right here, but no one's out fucking meeting anyone or sitting at a bar and telling a fucking lie. Like old school dudes.
Yeah. Well, I do think people are going to get way crazier. You're right on that. And we're going to look back and go, I mark my words because I said it with JD, George Bush.
GW. How much do you miss GW? He was, I miss him. Yeah, right.
And think of, there's not one person. I bet Jeanine Garofalo would be like, God, man, I miss George Bush Jr. Whatever. God damn it, why can't I talk to this guy?
George W. J-Dub. Look at him. And now he gives Werther's.
He gives Werther's to Kamala, not Kamala Harris. I should stop talking. Okay. Not Condi Rice.
Who's the fucking? I just named two black chicks. I don't know who you're talking about. Obama, Michelle Obama.
Okay. He gives Werther's to her at funerals. He's like, hey, hey, Michelle. You want a little?
And he's like, GW, you're so good. And then he gives her Werther's and he's like, hey, you want your joke? No, he seems like the smartest guy in the world next to Trump. This guy.
I mean, yeah. He's not even comparable. Yeah. And because these days that now agree with communism and you look at the fucking, you look at the left and the left is, is literally run by fucking lunatics who are lighting fucking bombs and throwing bombs in New York and fucking punching.
It's, I mean, it's like, it's insanity. It's insanity. And, and the pendulum doesn't right itself. And you have to go back to the center.
The pendulum swings hard as fuck. That's the way the world works. Yeah. Yeah.
You're right. Did you think like, this is interesting. I haven't really dove into this. Can you pull up Dahmer's mom's thing?
What? Yeah. Jeffrey Dahmer's mom. She said that her son didn't hurt his victims.
And I kind of want to, I think it's an important thing to really dive into because I always said that people talk too much shit about Dahmer, you know? Yeah. He, yeah, he wasn't, he was a little knucklehead, but he wasn't like, you know, so he killed them, but he never tried to hurt them. That's what she said.
And I think it's a good point. You know that he was, he was just doing what he did, but he wasn't like, he didn't hurt them physically or hurt their feelings. You know, I think he just ended their lives. He was not a bad guy.
Wait, wait, hold on. There's the one story of the one kid with the hammer in his head that ran down the bar. Oh, he drilled that hole drilled in his head. I think that hurt.
You're right. And I don't know what she would say to that. That'd be an interesting thing to go back to him on. He drilled into someone's head while they were alive.
And then that person ran to a bar and got cops. And then it was the Joey Diaz's joke. Who are they going to believe me or a chick with a black eye and a wig, a dude with a black eye and a wig. So this is a, it's into Christopher Wilder.
What is this? Oh, okay. He's, this is a different person that he's talking about. Okay.
A psychologist. Is there any more? She just said that. Okay.
Yeah. Well, you know, again, I, I like to remember Jeffrey as a more than just a serial killer. You know, he's dead, right? Yeah, he's dead.
He got killed in prison. I bet that was a fucking scary way to go. The way he died in prison. Yeah.
He got, I think it was beat with a broomstick to death. I'm sure they shoved it up his asshole. They actually, I believe they did. Yeah.
They had to. Yeah. It was one guy who was already in for murder. He was like, well, what have I got to lose?
You know, I was, I was actually a 95 year old woman on the flight yesterday coming in and we had to do a aborted, aborted landing. So we had to take off. It's amazing how quick those planes are when they punch it. Like, and, and she got scared.
Really? She was 95. How are you with flying now? Still scared?
Yeah. I was scared yesterday when we had to abort the landing, but I'm a, I'm a little better. My anxiety has been pretty good without. You had to abort the landing?
Yeah. What do you mean? Like we had to take back off. Really?
Yeah. How come? Like we went, almost touched down and then it just took off because there was a plane on the tarmac. Oh, did they announce it?
They're like, Oh, nope. They just did it. They just did it. We were like right now, like, you know, when you get to LA, we get to like the safe part where you're looking at the, the, all the warehouses and the parking structures and the parking cars.
And then you're like, Oh, I'm home. And you just go and we got there and it just went and we flew out over the ocean. Like we're going to Hawaii and then we didn't turn around. We didn't turn around for a while.
And I was like, and no one said anything. And she was 95. She was sitting next to me and she was nervous. And I was like at 95, what are you nervous for?
Yeah. But she looked at me and she goes, this is scary. And I was like, for me, I still have like 30 good years. You got two.
Wouldn't you rather go out a plane crash at 95? It would be awesome. Yeah. It reminds me of the story of Stacy's grandmother, Stacy, who works here.
I hate that. I bring this up all the time, but it makes me gig Yeah. So it's going to play with you. It's going to think you're a toy for a while.
Mm-hmm. But you'll probably be unconscious pretty quick. See, I think you suffer more at the hands of the chimps. You know?
I think you suffer more. Would you rather be killed by 10 women or 10 men? That's a real crazy pivot. I thought we were talking about animals.
10 women is going to take like 45, 50 minutes. Are these badass women, though? Just regular women. Regular women?
Regular women, regular men. Pull them off a fucking frontier flight. And they just start what? Pummeling you?
And they're like, guys, we've got $100 million. You've got to kill this guy. You've got one day to do it. And then they just start fucking beating you until you die.
So it may take like a day. But you're going to be fighting the wimps. See, the guys, you just... No, you're going to fight, but you're going to get tired.