The panic of being ill when you’re the one holding everything

The moment I feel ill, I don’t think “I need to rest” - I think “who’s going to hold everything together?”That’s the panic. Not the illness itself, but the fear of what might unravel if we stop. I remember standing in the kitchen, dizzy, making packed lunches, and realising something I didn’t like at all - I’d made myself indispensable.And yes, some of that is love. But some of it is habit. And some of it is control. Because if I do it all, I know it’s done properly.And being ill exposes that. It shows us where we haven’t let anyone else in. Where we haven’t shared the load. Where we haven’t trusted that things might still work without us. And that’s uncomfortable. But also… useful.Because our children are watching. They’re learning what happens when someone isn’t okay. Do we push through at all costs? Or do we show them that stopping is allowed - even necessary? That the world doesn’t fall apart if things get a bit messy. That other people can step in. Not perfectly, but well enough.So when that panic rises when you’re unwell - just notice it. That urge to keep everything going. And maybe let one thing drop. Because we’re not raising children who need us to hold everything forever. We’re raising young people who can hold themselves. And sometimes that begins… when we can’t.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe