Parent Pause

What if asking, “Who’s your best friend?” is making friendship harder for our children?I’ve been thinking about our fixation with that one special, inseparable person and how easily closeness can turn into loyalty tests, jealousy and possession. Perhaps three very different friendships can offer a child far more than one person carrying the grand title of “best friend”.Did having a best friend make you feel chosen, trapped or both?Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

“Just ignore them” may be some of the worst friendship advice we give our children.When a friend leaves them behind, the hurt isn’t trivial. It raises a much bigger question: do I still belong? In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about how we can take that pain seriously without taking over, inflating the drama or rushing in with solutions.What did the adults in your life say when friendship hurt, and did it help?Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Your child is upside down on the sofa complaining she’s bored, while somebody else’s is learning Mandarin before tea. Should you be worried?I’ve been wondering when children’s free time became an empty container that good parents are expected to fill. Perhaps the more confronting question isn’t whether our children are falling behind, but why an unplanned afternoon makes us so uncomfortable.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if your child saves their worst behaviour for you because you’re their safest person?When school gets the delightful child and we get the slammed bag, snapping voice and tears over pasta touching peas, it can feel deeply unfair. I’ve been thinking about what may have happened before that final, seemingly ridiculous straw - and why our front door is sometimes where everything falls apart.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Does an empty afternoon make you feel as though you’ve failed to provide something?September urges us to fill every space with clubs, lessons and opportunities. But I wonder whether the rush says more about our anxiety than our children’s needs. This week, I’m asking what might happen if we let them properly settle into the new school year before organising the term around them.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

The first week of school contains very little evidence and an astonishing number of parental conclusions.I’ve been thinking about how quickly one lonely lunchtime, forgotten book or difficult teacher can become the story of an entire year in our minds. Some things need action, of course. But not every discomfort is danger, and sometimes the steadiest question we can ask is, “Does this need my intervention, or does it simply need time?”Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Some children hold themselves together beautifully at school, then unravel over the wrong yoghurt the moment they get home. Their behaviour still needs boundaries, but perhaps the collapse is telling us something important about where they feel safe enough to stop performing.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Perhaps “How was school?” is less about our child’s day and more about our need to know they’re all right.I’ve been thinking about what we ask of children when they’ve barely made it through the door and we expect them to sum up six hours of social, emotional and sensory life. Sometimes they don’t need questions yet. They need toast, the cat, something familiar and a little time before their words arrive.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if all our helpfulness is telling our children that we don’t think they can cope?I’ve been wondering when helping stops being love and starts depriving a young person of the chance to discover, “I can manage this.” Stepping back can feel like neglect, especially when we can see the forgotten bag, missed bus or awkward mistake coming. But perhaps becoming slightly less useful is part of preparing them, and ourselves, for what comes next.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Perhaps your child’s sudden panic doesn’t mean they’ve made the wrong choice.I’ve been thinking about the strange mixture of excitement and dread that can arrive before secondary school, sixth form, university or a first job. We’re often quick to reassure, advise or start packing another box. But every beginning contains an ending, and sometimes our children need us to stand beside them at the edge of change, without trying to pull them across.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Your child may be watching for one result before they even open theirs - the result on your face.I’ve been thinking about how easily a handful of grades can begin to feel like a verdict, not only on our children, but on us as parents. In this Parent Pause, I ask what our children might need from us in those first revealing moments.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

I don’t think it’s only because we’re watching our children suffer. It’s possible because we’re remembering our own pain as well.Watching a child standing on the edge of a friendship group has a way of waking up the child we once were. The one who wasn’t invited. The one who didn’t quite fit in. The one who wondered what was wrong with them.In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about why exclusion can feel so painful for parents, why our children’s stories are not the same as our own, and why resisting the urge to rush in and fix things can sometimes be the hardest and most loving thing we do.Because perhaps what our children need most is not for us to remove every obstacle, but for us to trust that they will find their people and their place.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Here’s some friendship advice I think we should ignore. Teach your child to be nice.Of course we want our children to be kind. But over the years, I’ve started to wonder whether our determination to raise children who are agreeable, accommodating and well liked sometimes comes at a cost.Because what happens when being a good friend means ignoring the uneasy feeling in your stomach? What happens when fitting in matters more than being yourself?In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about the difference between belonging and conforming, why children sometimes abandon parts of themselves in order to be accepted, and why the people we trust most are not always the nicest people in the room.Perhaps our children don’t need the courage to be liked quite so much but they need the courage to be known.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if we’ve become a little too interested in how many friends our children have?I hear parents say this all the time: “I’m worried because she only has one good friend.”Only one.As though one close friendship could somehow be considered a failure.In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about the difference between popularity and belonging, why being alone isn’t the same as being lonely, and why some children move through the world collecting friends while others choose them very carefully.When we become so busy counting friendships we forget to ask a more important question: Are they good ones?Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

It might be us.Every summer seems to bring with it a strange kind of pressure. Pressure to make memories. Pressure to be grateful. Pressure to make the most of every moment. And, of course, pressure not to compare our family life with everybody else’s carefully edited version of theirs.In this Parent Pause, I’m wondering whether summer has a way of exposing all sorts of things in us - our guilt, our exhaustion, our need to be productive and our fear that we’re somehow getting it wrong.Family life was never supposed to be efficient.And children don’t need us to create the perfect summer, they simply need us to stop trying so hard to have one.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Does anyone else feel as though they’ve become the activities manager of a very demanding holiday resort?Every summer, I hear parents worrying that they aren’t doing enough. Not enough days out, not enough adventures, not enough magical memories. We seem to have acquired the strange idea that a good parent is an endlessly available source of entertainment.But I wonder whether children need something rather different.In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about the surprising thing one of my grown-up children said to me recently, why I no longer believe parents need to become cruise directors, and how we may have underestimated our children’s extraordinary capacity for imagination, resourcefulness and play.Perhaps our children don’t need us to create their summer.Perhaps they simply need us to let them live it.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

The summer your child remembers may not be the one you’re trying to create.Every summer, I think many of us carry two versions of family life in our heads. There’s the one we imagined, full of picnics, adventures and magical memories. And then there’s the one we’re actually living, full of washing, work, hungry children and everybody asking what’s for supper.But what if our children remember something entirely different?In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about the summers I remember from my own childhood, why children remember feelings more than activities, and how the moments that seem most ordinary to us can become extraordinary in hindsight.Perhaps a good summer isn’t one we’ve carefully curated. Perhaps it’s simply one we’ve truly lived.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

The children who seem most settled aren’t usually the ones with the fullest diaries or the most exciting lives.They’re often the children who know they have a place. Who know they matter.This week I’m wondering whether one of the greatest gifts we can give our children isn’t another activity or opportunity, but the chance to discover that someone can rely on them.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

“Get a pet!” I surprised myself when those words came out of my mouth. But it made sense.This week I’m reflecting on a little boy, a puppy, and the unexpected way that being responsible for another living thing helped him see himself differently.Perhaps children don’t just need us to care for them. Perhaps they need someone to care for too.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

I’ve been wondering whether one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the chance to be useful.Watching two children help without being asked made me realise they weren’t just doing jobs. They were discovering that they mattered, that they had something to contribute.I wonder if that’s one of the hidden ingredients of confidence - not constantly being looked after, but knowing someone can rely on you.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

I’ve been wondering whether we spend so much time asking children what they want that we forget to help them discover something just as important - what they have to offer.This week I’m reflecting on why contributing to family and community isn’t just good for everyone else, it might be one of the things that helps children feel they truly belong.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Could we be giving our children too much choice?I know that sounds like a strange question. We want our children to have a voice, to know what they like, and to make good decisions. But lately I’ve been wondering whether we’ve confused giving children choices with asking them to carry too many.Sometimes the greatest gift isn’t another option. It’s the relief of knowing the adults have it covered.I’d love you to pause with me for a few minutes and see what you think.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if we’re asking our children the wrong question?I found myself overhearing a family in a café recently. They were warm, patient and clearly devoted to their children. But almost every conversation began with the same question: “What do you want?”It made me wonder whether we’ve turned childhood into a search for preferences, instead of helping children discover what matters to them - and what they might bring to the world.I’d love you to pause with me for a few minutes and see what you think.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

I know... it sounds like a ridiculous thing to say. But I’ve been wondering whether confidence is really what we’re hoping for, or whether we’ve confused it with something much deeper.This week I’ve been thinking about the quiet children, the thoughtful children, and what real confidence actually looks like.It might not be what we think.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if our children don’t need confidence? What if they just need to borrow ours?I’ve been thinking about the girls who linger on the threshold of our groups, wanting to come in but not quite ready. They remind me that confidence isn’t always something children have, sometimes it’s something they borrow from the adults who quietly believe they’ll get there in their own time.I’d love you to pause with me for a few minutes and see what you think.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if we’ve been chasing the wrong thing?We all say we want confident children but lately I’ve been wondering whether confidence has become the wrong goal altogether.Watching a little girl halfway up a tree made me stop and think about what children really need from us when they’re unsure.Perhaps confidence isn’t where the story begins. Perhaps it is what grows afterwards.Thank you for pausing with me.Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if the best thing you could give your child this summer is... boredom?I know that sounds like a strange thing to say. We all reach for screens sometimes - I’ve done it too. But I’ve been wondering what happens when the digital babysitter never goes home. In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about boredom, creativity and why those empty moments our children complain about might actually be where the most important growing happens.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if the greatest danger of social media isn’t what our children are seeing, but who they’re becoming?We spend a lot of time worrying about what our children might come across online. I think there’s another loss that’s much harder to spot. In this Parent Pause, I’m reflecting on the childhood many of us remember, why time away from adult eyes mattered more than we realised, and what children may never discover about themselves if they’re always performing for someone else.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if we’re worrying about the wrong thing when it comes to social media?The debate about banning social media for under-16s has become loud and polarised. But I think there’s a much bigger question we should be asking ourselves. In this Parent Pause, I’m reflecting on what childhood is really for, why boredom might be one of the greatest gifts we can give our children, and what I fear screens are taking away from them.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if we’re so busy helping our children move on that we’re forgetting to help them say goodbye?We spend so much time celebrating firsts, but life’s deepest lessons are often found in the lasts. In this Parent Pause, I’m reflecting on why good endings matter, what one girl in a Girls Journeying Together group taught me about saying goodbye, and why making space for tears might be one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever found yourself missing a stage of your child’s life that you wouldn’t actually want back?I’ve been wondering whether we’ve misunderstood what it means to miss something. We often assume sadness means we want to go backwards. I don’t think it does. In this Parent Pause, I’m reflecting on why joy and grief can exist side by side, what our children’s sadness might really be telling us, and why learning to honour what we’ve loved can help us move more freely into what’s next.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if those tears over an old school jumper, a pair of scuffed shoes or the end of another school year aren’t silly at all?I wonder if we’ve become so focused on helping our children look forward that we’ve forgotten how important it is to stop and notice what’s ending. In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about good endings, why they matter just as much as good beginnings, and how taking a moment to acknowledge what we’ll miss might help both us and our children move into what’s next.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Adults can become slightly obsessed with readiness at this time of year. Ready for secondary school. Ready for more independence. Ready for change.But children aren’t a conveyor belt. I think we underestimate how much children grieve transitions - even positive ones.They lose classrooms, teachers, rhythms, friendship dynamics, familiarity, identity. Even moving up one school year changes a child’s ecosystem.And perhaps confidence doesn’t come only from looking ahead bravely. Perhaps it also comes from being able to look back and think: “I belonged there.” “I survived that.” “I changed this year.”Children build identity through being witnessed. So before we rush them toward what’s next, perhaps we pause long enough to notice who they’ve been this year first.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

I think some children are crawling towards the end of term absolutely exhausted by how much “fun” we’re trying to squeeze in.Dress-up day. Sports day. Water fight. Leavers’ assembly. Reward trip. Barbecue. Transition day. Party day.By July, some children aren’t celebrating anymore - they’re surviving. Many children spend the end of term performing happiness while privately feeling overstimulated, emotional, uncertain or simply worn out.And we parents can get swept into that frenzy too.But perhaps children don’t need spectacular endings. Perhaps they need digestible ones. A slower evening, a conversation in the garden, an early night. The quieter moments are often the ones that stay with them anyway.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Every July we start rushing children towards the next thing - new schools, new uniforms, new routines - while they’re often still emotionally living inside this school year.A girl said something quietly heartbreaking to me recently:“No one’s asking me if I’m sad.”I think children need help not only preparing for what’s next, but noticing what mattered about what’s ending.The end of term can become such a blur of sports days, assemblies and exhaustion that we forget to pause long enough for meaning to catch up.Sometimes the most powerful thing we can offer is not preparation, but presence.A hot chocolate.A slower conversation.A moment to notice who they’ve become this year.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

The child everyone praises is sometimes the child I’m quietly worried about.You know the one - sensible, helpful, mature for their age and never any trouble. Adults love these children.I know because I used to work with one. She was thoughtful, responsible and always thinking about everyone else. But when I asked her a simple question - “What would you like?” - she couldn’t answer.Not because she was shy. Because she’d become so good at noticing everyone else’s needs that she’d lost touch with her own.In this week’s Parent Pause, I’m exploring the difference between maturity and parentification. Between a child growing into responsibility and a child carrying burdens that don’t belong to them.Here’s the troubling thing: children who are carrying too much often don’t look troubled. They often look successful. And perhaps that’s the question worth asking: Does this child have somewhere they get to be small? Somewhere they don’t have to hold it all together. Somewhere they can be cared for instead of caring for everyone else. Every child needs that. Perhaps especially the ones who seem not to.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

The children we worry about are often not the ones carrying the heaviest loads.Sometimes it’s the capable child. The one who remembers. The one who helps. The one who never needs reminding.This week I’ve been thinking about a girl whose job was to feed the family dog. Every evening. No rewards, no praise, just a responsibility that taught her something powerful: “I matter here.”Children need opportunities to contribute. Not because we’re overwhelmed and need the help, but because they need to discover that they are capable, useful and part of something bigger than themselves.But there’s a fine line.Helping can teach a child competence and belonging. Or it can teach them that other people’s needs come first.In this week’s Parent Pause, I’m exploring the difference between responsibilities that help children grow roots and responsibilities that ask them to grow up too soon.It’s a conversation about chores, contribution and why some of the most successful adults I know still struggle to answer one simple question: “What do you need?”Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if the most “helpful” child in the family is carrying a burden they were never meant to carry?We often celebrate children who are mature, thoughtful and no trouble at all. But sometimes I wonder what’s sitting underneath that.There’s a big difference between a child helping because they’re growing and a child helping because they’re protecting. One builds confidence. The other asks them to carry responsibilities that belong to the adults around them.In this week’s Parent Pause, I’m exploring that almost invisible line between contribution and parentification - and why a child saying, “Don’t worry, Mum, I’ll be good,” can sometimes break my heart.It’s a nuanced conversation about responsibility, care, and what children really need from us.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if your child doesn’t need fixing nearly as much as they need delighting in?When our children are struggling, it’s so easy to become focussed on helping them overcome their challenges. More confidence. Better organisation. Greater resilience. We want life to be easier for them. Of course we do. That’s love.But in this Parent Pause, I talk about a girl who had become so used to hearing about her difficulties that she quietly concluded, “I’m just bad at everything.” The heartbreaking thing was that it wasn’t remotely true. She had simply started confusing her challenges with who she was.I think many children, especially those with additional needs, are at risk of believing that the things they find difficult are the most important things about them.What if our role is not to make our children more normal, but to help them become more fully themselves? To notice what lights them up. To enjoy them. To see their gifts, humour, interests and possibilities alongside their struggles.Children grow best in the direction of who they are, not who they’re being compared to.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever stood in a playground full of people and felt completely alone?I think one of the hidden griefs of parenting a child with additional needs is that sometimes it doesn’t just make our child feel different - it makes us feel different too. Different from other families. Different from the parenting story we imagined. Different from the life everyone else seems to be living.In this Parent Pause, I explore the loneliness that can creep in around school gates, birthday parties and everyday conversations. Not because people are unkind, but because when we feel different, we often pull back and carry more on our own than we need to.What I’ve learned is that almost every family is carrying something. Anxiety, grief, financial worries, uncertainty, a diagnosis not yet shared. The playground is full of hidden stories.Perhaps what we’re often longing for isn’t advice at all. It’s connection. Another parent saying, “Me too.” Not because their situation is identical, but because being human is.There are no prizes for coping alone. Parenting was never meant to be a solo activity.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever left a meeting about your child feeling like you’ve somehow lost them in the paperwork?I think one of the hardest things about parenting a child with additional needs is watching conversations become dominated by what they struggle with. Their difficulties, their diagnosis, their support needs. Important things, but not the whole story.A diagnosis can be useful. It can open doors to support. But it is never a description of a child. Our children are always bigger, richer and more interesting than the challenges they face.This is a reminder that one of our most important roles as parents may simply be to keep helping others see the whole child - their strengths, quirks, talents and humanity, not just the things they find difficult.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

I don’t think teenagers are suffering from a lack of advice.Honestly, they’re drowning in it. “Be kind.” “Work hard.” “Stay safe.” “Believe in yourself.” “Protect your mental health.”And yet so many young people still feel anxious, flat, unsure of themselves and frightened of life. Because confidence does not grow from being told things.It grows from lived experience.From trying, wobbling, doing hard things, surviving embarrassment, being needed, from discovering, “Oh… I can actually do this.”Teenagers need meaningful challenge more than endless guidance - and rites of passage traditionally included difficulty for a reason. Sometimes modern parenting accidentally removes too much friction from childhood because we love our children and want to protect them.But perhaps the message young people most need is not: “The world is dangerous. Stay small.”Perhaps it’s: “There is more in you than you currently know.”Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Our child’s growing up was never supposed to feel comfortable for us as parents.I think one of the saddest modern parenting myths is the idea that we’re meant to guide our children through adolescence while appearing calm, emotionally sorted, endlessly patient and completely unruffled. Like some sort of spiritual air hostess serenely pointing to the emergency exits while the plane is clearly going down.Coming-of-age rites of passage were never only for the young person. They changed the parents too.There is grief and beauty in watching our children grow away from us - not as rejection, but as expansion. So much of parenting adolescents is learning to loosen our grip without losing connection. Because healthy growing up requires space, for them and for us.Perhaps our daughters do not need perfect mothers.Perhaps our sons do not need perfect fathers.Maybe they simply need parents willing to keep growing too.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

We celebrate babies beautifully - first scans, first teeth, first steps, first birthdays. But then something strange happens. Our children begin the enormous transition into adolescence and suddenly many of us go quiet. Almost embarrassed. And our young people feel that silence.In this week’s Parent Pause I talk about what we’ve lost by abandoning rites of passage and why so many young people are now trying to initiate themselves into adulthood through risk-taking, online performance, drinking, self-harm, sexual pressure and drama.Because human beings have always needed something very simple from the adults around them: “We see you changing. This matters. And we’re here to guide you.”Rites of passage do not need to be grand, spiritual or cringe-inducing. Sometimes it’s simply an aunt taking a girl out for breakfast, a father teaching his son how to safely use a pocket knife, a meaningful conversation, a letter, a walk. What matters is not the performance. It’s the recognition.Many young people today are quietly asking:“Can anybody see that I’m changing?”And perhaps our role is not to stop that change - but to witness it well.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

We keep being told to protect our children’s mental health with apps, strategies, interventions and expert advice.But what if some of the most powerful things are actually astonishingly ordinary?A walk.A laugh.A kitchen conversation.A parent sitting beside them in the car.A bit more sleep.Less pressure.More outside.In this week’s Parent Pause I talk about the mental health tool I think many families are forgetting - simple human connection and the rhythms that help nervous systems settle.I think modern life is making all of us a bit twitchy, overstimulated and disconnected from ourselves. Including our children.And perhaps mental health isn’t always about fixing ourselves.Sometimes it’s about returning to what makes us feel human again.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if your child doesn’t need a calmer, happier, more perfect parent… but just you, a little more present?I think modern parents are carrying an impossible job description. We’re supposed to be emotionally available, mentally healthy, patient, connected, successful, screen-free and somehow deeply fulfilled while raising children in a world that often feels exhausting and overstimulating for all of us.And during Mental Health Week, I keep wondering if we’re aiming at the wrong thing. Because children don’t need perfection from us. They need us to be there.I think mental health is often built in much smaller moments than we realise:putting the phone down properly,sitting beside each other in silence,making toast at 10pm,taking a breath,coming back to ourselves and each other again and again.Not perfectly.Just repeatedly.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Are we raising children who can think… or children who just know how to produce an answer?I had a conversation with a teenage girl from one of my groups recently. Bright, thoughtful, very capable. She said to me, completely matter of fact, “I use AI for everything. It helps me know what to think.”And I understand. Of course it does. It’s quick, it’s helpful, it gives you structure, ideas, something to build from. And when everyone else is using it, it makes sense to join in.But adolescence isn’t just about learning more facts. It’s the stage where young people are working out what they think about the world. Questioning it. Disagreeing with it. Trying ideas on. Rejecting them. Changing their minds.That’s the work. And it’s messy. Half-formed thoughts. Strong opinions that don’t quite hold. Contradictions. Uncertainty. Exactly as it should be.But if something steps in too early and fills that space with answers, we risk skipping the process entirely.We end up with young people who can produce good work, say the right thing, sound convincing… But haven’t had the chance to discover what they actually think.What our children will need in the future isn’t just information. It’s the ability to stand in their own thinking. To say, I’m not sure. To question. To see it differently. To change their mind. And that doesn’t come from having everything worked out for them. It comes from being allowed to work things out for themselves. Slowly. Imperfectly. In their own time.So maybe the question isn’t how do we prepare them for the future.It’s… are we giving them the space to become someone who can meet it?Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if the child who never gets it wrong… is the one we need to worry about?I’ve another story to tell you about a boy whose homework is always done, well and on time. No stress. No drama. His parents are relieved, no more procrastination, melt downs or despair.Everything looks good from the outside. He doesn’t get stuck anymore. And at first that sounds like success. Until you realise… he also doesn’t really try. Because he doesn’t need to. The AI answer is always there, ready, waiting.And when that support isn’t there? He freezes.Not because he’s not bright. He is. But because he hasn’t had to sit in that uncomfortable space of not knowing. That place where you think, and search, and struggle a bit… and eventually find your way through.We say we want confident children. But confidence doesn’t come from getting everything right. It comes from getting things wrong. From feeling that wobble and realising you can survive it. Even learn from it.I remember my own children at the kitchen table, staring into space, chewing pencils, sighing like the world was ending. And me thinking, just get on with it.But that was the work. That blank, frustrating, uncomfortable space… that’s where thinking was forming.And now, if we’re not careful, we’re filling that space for them. It looks like progress. It looks efficient. It even looks like success. But childhood isn’t meant to be efficient.So maybe when our children are struggling, the question isn’t, how do I fix this?It’s, what’s growing here that I don’t want to interrupt?Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Will AI do the thinking for your child before they’ve even had a chance?I told a story in a talk last week that’s I want to share with you. A little girl, Maya, asking her mum a simple question… and a device answering before her mum can even turn her head. Fast, accurate, impressive. But something disappears in that moment. The look. The pause. The shared discovery.And then one day the device doesn’t work, so when Maya asks what something is there is silence. And then her mum says, “What do you think?”And Maya doesn’t like it. The not knowing. The waiting. The having to think. Because she’s not used to it. AI can be there, to answer, never busy, never distracted and our children stop needing to think because something else is doing it for them.We tell ourselves it’s helping. It makes things easier. More efficient. Less friction.But what if that friction is the point?What if that pause, that slight irritation, that “I don’t know”… is actually where thinking begins?So I ask myself, is AI really helping?Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Is your silence actually expensive?I’m talking about that ten-minute conversation you’ve been avoiding for three weeks. You know the one - the one that would take less time than boiling a kettle, yet you’ve spent hours, days, even months mentally rehearsing it and then not saying a word.In our families, our friendships, and especially in our parenting, we do this strange dance of “adjusting.” We compromise, we work around the problem, and we tell ourselves we’re being patient. But let’s be real - we aren’t being patient; we’re being exhausted.The energy it takes to carry an unsaid truth is far heavier than the weight of actually saying it.I’ve done it myself. I’ve worked around situations with my own children, fearing the tension or the “fallout.” But while we delay, that small thing stops being small. It turns into a lack of patience, a bit of sharp irritation, or a growing distance that becomes a wall.We tell ourselves we don’t have the “right words,” but that’s just a clever excuse to stay comfortable. There are no perfect words. There is only honesty.You don’t need to resolve everything in one go. You just need to be brave enough to open the door - to say, “This has been on my mind,” and then stay in the room, even if it gets uncomfortable. Because on the other side of that awkward ten minutes is the real connection you’ve been missing all along.Stop carrying it. Just say it.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe