The Part Asking to be Fed

I have been circling around and around a part of me that has been buried in my body for a long time.This part is the source of my constant need to do more and be better and improve, improve, improve. The avoidance of this part is the source of my relentlessness. Because if I were to slow down I might actually have to touch it.The avoidance of this part is what makes me compulsively clean and organize.This part is there, asking to be fed, asking to be given space and because she has been so neglected it is painful to look at her. And so for so long she has remained this little itch at the back of my brain that I’m always trying to scratch without actually going there and asking what she actually needs.I’ve been moving away from this part by thinking that I could ‘fix’ her, push her down, make her go away through keeping a constant pressure on my life.Don’t relax! Don’t lie down! Don’t sit still! Keep it moving! Making sure that there is always a little compression.I can feel how the avoidance of this part has been so ingrained that it has solidified into the root of so many identities I carry. So many egoic ideas about “who I am.”I am clean. I am organized. I am disciplined. I am willful. I love planning. I’m take charge. I’ve got my s**t together. I am strong. I look good. The list goes on. All of this an elaborate facade to avoid feeling the thing underneath it all. The thing that is tired and starving.As I’ve peeled back all these layers of identity over the last few years and softened so many hardened layers of protection, I have finally gotten to a place where I can actually feel this spot that I have created an entire persona around avoiding. And this part is brittle, dry and parched. She has been deeply, deeply neglected. She has been starved of attention, love, water, food, rest. She was, quite honestly, barely alive. She was holding on for dear life. Using every last iota of her energy towards vigilance. She had been all alone with no one to protect her. She had to become scrappy and grabby. She was getting more and more desperate. This tired and shriveled part of me is what so many of my patterns have been trying to bypass.It’s as if I had a crying and starving baby but instead of feeding the baby I just kept putting blankets on her trying to get her to be quiet. And as I continued to pile on the blankets and try to stop the noise; without actually addressing the needs underneath the noise, I abandoned this part of me.There is so much grief that comes up with this realization.There is so much responsibility.And yet, to beat myself up for how much I’ve failed her is just another way of avoiding making the changes that are required so that this part is cared for and fed.My teacher, Perri Chase, said once, “You are worthy because it’s being asked of you.” It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that. I am worthy of feeding this part simply because this is my path and it is true to do so. It is just neutral, true to feed this part now that I see her and feel her.I have been going so slowly here.This part was so dehydrated that I’ve had to sprinkle sustenance on her steadily and consistently. Big pours do not work as all the nourishment just slides right off. It’s a daily, hourly, and moment-by-moment practice of checking in with her and asking her what she needs here. Giving her gentle and consistent attention. Reviving her. It has been a methodical process of building new habits and consistently checking in with her to see if they are generative or degenerative. Here are some of the things I am doing:* Feeding myself protein, carbs and fat every couple hours and within 30 min of waking up and 30 min of going to bed.* Having a consistent bedtime and morning routine* Allowing myself lots of breaks throughout the day* Getting lots of time outside each day * Always having time in my day set aside for a nap or just letting myself lay in bed in a dark room. * Not doing any sort of exercise unless my body is a full yes to it. * Going to acupuncture and the chiropractor weekly. * Saying no to most social activities * really there is so much more.. The most important aspect of all of this I’ve found is the letting this starved part be the one that participates in these “self care” practices. After all, she is the one they are for. In the past, I have done a lot of self care, but it was done with a fixing energy. Like I was trying to “fix” the starving part, not actually be in relationship with her.For me, it is really easy to check all the things off the list and make sure they all get “done,” but that is exactly what sucks my life force.The key for me here is zero pressure; only juiciness, only plumpness. Being a well-fed woman is my only practice these days. Allowing myself to fully have what I already have. Allowing myself to be filled up by it all. Being in full approval of the whole process of feeding and what it requires of all parts of me.It feels true here to softly introduce FED. This is my new group container, I’m not sure on a lot of details yet, but I wanted to share it with you on this email list first. FED is going to be like a feast for mind, body and soul.I honestly can’t wait. If you already know this is for you, let me know by replying or commenting. This is a public episode. 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