The Quickie: Are Boundaries Making Us Assholes? How To Properly Set Them (And Stop Misusing Them)

I have a hot take: Boundaries are giving a lotttt of people a permission slip to be assholes. They’re being mis-used to control, manipulate, and justify selfish behaviour. As therapy speak and buzzwords take over the internet and group chats, the overuse can lead to misuse, and a lot of these ideas have become convoluted and misrepresented. (Guys… not EVERYONE is a narcissist, and a disagreement doesn’t mean you were being gaslit.) Boundaries should start with a respectful dialogue, but these days they’re being used as excuse to ghost, cancel people, always get your way, and avoid dealing with real issues. Don’t get me wrong, as a newly reformed anxious people-pleaser, learning about setting proper boundaries has legit changed my life. But bailing on friends or suddenly cutting off loved ones when you don’t get your way to “protect your peace” isn’t actually how healthy boundaries work. Boundaries are an amazing tool to protect our wellbeing and our relationships. They should be rooted in kindness and respect, they should aim to bring us closer and build bridges, not walls. And they should always be about the actions you will take to keep yourself safe, not controlling other people or making demands.So join me as I go offffff on:The most common ways boundaries are being unfairly usedHow power and control can masquerade as boundariesHow to *actually* set a healthy boundary Melissa Urban’s traffic light framework for boundary-settingScripts for kind and gentle boundaries How improperly using boundaries leads to avoidance Why selective enforcement is hurtfulResources mentioned: Listen to episode 88 with boundaries expert Melissa UrbanOur show is produced by:Gillian Berner, Host, Producer & EditorOlivia Nashmi, Audio EngineerCarolyn Schissler, Designer & Web ProducerSara Valentine, Content ProducerFor advertising and sponsorship inquiries, please contact Frequency Podcast Network. Subscribe to my Substack:teachmehowtoadult.substack.comFollow us on the ‘gram:@[email protected] on TikTok: @teachmehowtoadultSubscribe on YouTube