The Real Life Sexy

A woman in her true power is a woman in her sex. For a woman, these two things cannot be separated. True power is not domination or force, it is innate. It is the thing that just is. In this sense, my power doesn’t diminish your power. Me becoming more powerful does not mean you need to become less powerful. In fact, in this way of interpreting power, me being more powerful may actually invite out more power from you. This is True Feminine power. Power that isn’t about who has the upper hand, but about that which cannot be grabbed by anyone else, no matter what. Power like this is is like sand through the hands. No matter the effort it always stays the same. No one can take it away from you. A part of me cringed a little when I wrote that first line. “A woman in her sex,” is a phrase I have historically rolled my eyes at. Psh…What does that even mean? All these ideal-bodied, scantily clad, bedroom-eyed, ‘tantra teachers’ running their own finger tips over their exposed cleavage, whipping their hair around, with looks of contrived ecstasy on their faces, humping the air and flicking their tongues and calling this power. I was not impressed in any way shape or form. To be honest, I’m still not impressed by most of what I see in the tantra, sex-positive, pleasure-seeking teachers out there. That is part of what this post is about: how one dimensional, scripted, and formulaic we are about sex and what we consider to be sexy, even the people who may think of themselves as edgy sex educators and coaches. Coming back into my true power has been a long and winding path for me, and therefore, so has coming back into ‘my sex.’As a young woman I was very interested in sex. I loved it. I had a lot of it younger than most people would consider ok. I wanted it and I wanted to. I also had a lot of questionable sexual experiences fueled by drugs, alcohol, and a desperate need for validation and love. I grew up too fast in a lot of ways and that isn’t something that’s anyone’s fault, it’s just the way my life went. In true Manifesting Generator, 1/3 profile fashion, I learned a lot through trial and error and went too fast for what most would consider my own good, although I know it to be exactly how I learn. In my twenties something dark started creeping in around sex for me. Maybe it was too many sexual experiences where my consent had been a little too questionable. Maybe it was all the self abandonment for perceived love and affection catching up with me. Maybe it was the virgin w***e split phenomenon that so many women experience. In hindsight, I can see at this point in my life I started to feel shame around sex when I actually hadn’t before. Sex stopped feeling as easy. It stopped feeling as good. And I started to realize that most of the time I was playing the object and not the subject in each sexual experience.Sex started to be more about how it (I) looked and what it produced for my partner and less about experimentation, my experience or my pleasure. The only pleasure I really experienced was through the pleasure of my partner. Did he like the way my ass looked there? Is eye contact or no eye contact hotter while I suck his cock? Should my moans be higher pitched or quieter? Dirty talk or no dirty talk?This is such a clear example of where I gave up my Feminine power. I started to completely and totally be in my head during sex. There was no connection to my body from the neck down, which is a big problem when it comes to something as intimate as sex. I don’t think my story is unique. I’m willing to bet most women reading this story resonate with a large part of my early story with sex. After all, it is what our porn-obsessed, intimacy averse, fake tits and ass loving, talking-about-sex-openly-is-taboo society teaches and models to us. Objectifying women’s bodies and sex is the standard. Thinking about women’s physical attributes in regard to how men might perceive them is the norm.I was having a dance party with my toddlers the other day and that Megan Trainor song “All about that Bass” came on. I remember this song being such a boon to the body positivity space at its time. People treated it like it was some testament to body love. But listening to it the other day I realized that the song literally orients women’s bodies to men’s pleasure. The lyric is: “Yeah, my mama she told me don't worry about your size. She says, boys like a little more booty to hold at night.” Why are we orienting to what boys like at all? Megan Trainor is also no where near fat and the idea that she is is as this song suggests, is insane and definitely part of the phenomenon I am speaking to here. It’s glaringly obvious anywhere you look in collective society that women’s bodies are some sort of commodity. There is zero focus of how it feels to be your body. What makes you feel good? What do you actually like to look like without the programing of the collective body ideals? What makes you feel alive and juicy and like the energy of Life is moving through you? Because that is what “your sex” actually means. What a way to create the illusion that a Woman, who is quite literally the portal between the manifested and unmanifested worlds, is powerless and weak. What a way to create a disconnect between a Woman and her power, which is intertwined with her sex, than to let her think her pleasure, her overflowing juice, and her subjective experience of sex and life isn’t important.I am not interested in blaming, shaming or pointing fingers here. I am not going to talk about the ‘patriarchy’ or rape culture, although you can see where these concepts could attach on to what I’m laying out. I want to come at this neutrally and with a lot of sober curiosity and willingness to parse apart what is collective programing and what are the values and beliefs I would like to consciously stand upon now as a full, fed, and adult Woman. As a Woman who does not orient toward the collective mental ideas of “what men like.”Collectively sex is taboo. We talk about it in hushed voices, with side glances and innuendo. To really touch the tender spots of our relationship to sex, our desire, and our shame around it, can feel almost crippling. It can be so damn hard to communicate about.We are sold this picture of sex that it is for young, hot, hairless, coifed people only.Young twenty-something women in bikinis with waxed legs and vaginas can want sex and be sexy, but pretty much any other type of woman is out of sexually acceptable bounds for the collective. If you’re a woman who is a mother, frumpy, middle aged, overweight (whatever that actually means), have bad hair, dress in yoga clothes every day of your life, and smell bad from time to time you aren’t worthy of desire according the mainstream narrative. No wonder when I talk to so many friends who are mothers to young children they talk about how their libido is no where to be found. Yes, early motherhood can be exhausting but we don’t typically hear the narrative that fathers to young kids don’t want sex.Sex is a biological need. It should be an experience that is full of love, connection, intimacy, pleasure, and fun. Connected, mutually pleasurable sex is nutritive, not depleting. It is my theory that if there weren’t so many collective stereotypes about what sex needs to look like and be like and how women need to look and behave mothers wouldn’t be too tired for sex. If women were centering themselves in their sexual experience then having sex or being intimate with their partner would be a fulfilling experience for them and they would want more of it. It is all the baggage and expectation we put on sex that makes it feel like a chore or makes it an energy expense instead of gain.We don’t have to carry this baggage with us, but we do need to unwind why we are carrying this baggage with us in the first place, release it, and choose a new, more resonant framework to operate from. “Our sex” is where is get our juice from. Our connection to the life force that moves through all things. It is that buzzing, humming, electrical zing that moves from the crown of our heads through the tips of our toes. This isn’t necessarily the act of sex, but the aliveness in our own pussies and hearts and that connected channel of energy between the two. The act of sex should be a place where we feel this aliveness in an intense and almost involuntary way. It’s where we can lose ourselves. As women, if we are disconnected from our pussy and its aliveness, we will feel sucked dry, brittle, rigid, hard, dead and empty. We will feel angry, fed up, trapped, and crusty. Sexual energy is pure creative energy and we are innate creators. The ability to access this sexual energy has absolutely nothing to do with how you look or your physical form.This is the lie I want to penetrate right here, right now: The way you look has absolutely nothing to do with how much access you have to your sex. Your relationship to the life force that lives in your pussy, heart and voice does. How much access you have to your sex will definitely change the way you look, how much life force radiates from your eyes and skin, how you hold yourself, how you feed yourself, how you care for yourself, how you hold boundaries, how you mother.. it will change everything if you let it. But you will not get more access to that sexual life force by changing your appearance. You can only get more access by being willing to go back, down, and in to your body. This is why the size of your body has absolutely nothing to do with what gets your partner’s cock hard or pussy wet. Pussy and cock don’t lie. You can create some weird patterns around the need for certain kinds of visual/mental stimulation around turn on (porn), but our bodies know when they come in the presence of someone who has a deep, intimate relationship with their pussy or cock. The twenty-something, perfectly-lean-muscled-body, big luscious lips, doe eyes, perky tits, and a bubble butt becomes almost boring when you really start to touch what sex actually is and what it actually has to offer. Men with big fragile egos may want some aesthetically ‘perfect’ trophy to show off to their externally oriented friends. These men may even get off on it in some shallow one-pump-chump way. But when things are entirely externally oriented and there is no depth and it will all feel empty soon enough. Our egos could never know how to get what our Souls need. A woman who is in her body, who is well-fed and full, has her sex turned on from the inside out will always be entirely more capable feeding a Soul than a woman who has her true hunger on locked away.A mother, who has willingly entered through the portal of birth and opened her body to create life has infinitely more capacity for sensation than a woman who has not crossed that threshold. A woman who has let life lead her and guide her into version after version of herself, who has taken on the inevitability of aging with grace and a willing acceptance, who has not fought against the loving life lessons she has been dealt is a woman who has infinitely more capacity to receive than a woman who fights that which is inescapable and completely natural. These are the tenants upon which I would like stand as a woman who knows that I am worthy of pleasure, satisfaction, connection, intimacy and being the subject of my own experience. These aren’t just statements that I will repeat to myself over and over again like some positive sex affirmations (that s**t never worked for me), these statements are just True in the deepest sense of the word. A woman who inhabits her her body fully is the sexiest thing on the planet. A woman’s age, size, wrinkles, flab, has absolutely nothing to do with a woman’s ability to inhabit her body fully and come into a deep relationship with her life force that runs through her and in every living thing on the planet and the planet itself. A woman’s body was meant to create and sustain life. Creating life, sustaining life, birthing life does nothing but deepen a woman’s capacity to receive and therefore to feed the Soul of her partner, which is what our partners most want from us. Breasts that have made milk and fed children are precious and deserve to be touched and worshiped at the hands of her beloved. And they are full of sex in a way that virgin breasts are not. I look at my breasts, sagging and stretched as they may be and I remember them before I nursed my two children, and the depth and richness of love I feel for them is deeper and more satisfied now. Pussies that have birthed babies actually have more capacity for all sensation. This idea that we get “stretched out” is so entirely untrue and in fact, offensive. Our bodies were made for birth. It is the most natural thing on the planet. A pussy that has opened to that level of union with the divine is a holy thing in indeed. Any man who has connected, intimate sex with the mother of his children knows this.Yes, there are things like prolapse and tearing, but those things are fully and completely curable and have to do less with the process of birth and more about how we connect and touch ourselves after becoming mothers. If you have prolapse put your fingers loving inside yourself and massage daily with castor oil and see what happens. If you believe your physical body is less desirable or capable of pleasure because of your size, your age, your life circumstances, you physical attributes, your looks, I ask you this: Less desirable to who and what? To people who are only interested in your external appearance and what they can get from you? Less desirable to you? Why? Orienting to what the idea of what men want is entirely untrue. Orient to what you want, what feels good in your body, what makes you feel alive, juiced up and fed. It is not the main point, in any way shape or form, but what real men want is a woman who is connected to Life itself. That is what is exciting and enlivening and turns them on in the deeper more whole body way.As my dear friend, Blaire Lindsay, told me once when I was really working through a spot with this stuff: “You are the [pleasure] faucet.” You are the source of the deeper pleasure. When your pleasure is on and and turned up, then the man’s is too and all parties are fed and nourished in all their cells with life force. Some Inquiries to Sit With: * What am I oriented to when it comes to sex? * What makes me feel truly sexy that isn’t externally oriented or physical appearance based? * If my body was fully capable and deserving of all pleasure, what would change in my life? * What have I been programmed with when it comes to sex and who has good sex and who doesn’t? What does ‘good sex’ mean to me? Come explore orienting to your own nourishment at my retreat SAVOR at Sage Lodge in Pray, MT. March 19-22. Send me a message and we’ll set up a phone call to talk about your readiness and more details if you feel called. Come Experience Truly Being with Your Body with love and presenceJanuary 24th. 9-11:30am PST. Online. More info or sign up here. Other Resource on this Subject I recommend exploring: * Carly Rae’s Nectar Classes * Blaire Lindsay’s writing and podcast, Siren, about the intersection of sex and motherhood. * Olivia Lara Owen’s writing and videos about sex, hunger, and nourishment of the Woman This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe