The Sea of Mom Guilt

I have been exploring that all encompassing phenomenon called ‘mom-guilt’ lately. Maya, my youngest is growing up, seemingly overnight. I find our relationship shifting and morphing from the attached-at-the-boob togetherness of that first year of infancy to the less attached togetherness of that not-quite-a-baby, not-quite-a-toddler phase of massive exploration and growth. Instead of the peaceful couch-and-bed-bound moments together staring into each other eyes, there is more of an active watching from the sidelines feel to mothering. This is the phase where I say a lot of, “Does that feel safe?” or “I won’t let you do that,” instead of just having her be passively another bodily appendage. I have been feeling a deep heart ache nostalgia for the fleeting stillness of the infant stage. I ask myself, “Did I relish the weight of those little bodies pressing against mine enough?"I have this incessant fear coming back around and around that I am going to regret something I’m doing now. There is this ever present worry that I’m missing something or that I’ve already missed something. I’m not sure what, but when I find out, I’m sure I’ll be kicking myself for a lifetime.We go anywhere in public with my two daughters and total strangers come up to my husband and I, “Enjoy it! It goes so fast!” they say with a desperation I recognize. There is a part of me that is trying so hard to heed this advice. I feel frenzied by the prospect that I might not be soaking it all in enough.It is no secret that I am tired. Some days I just want to lay on the ground and say, “I give up!” and stop trying so hard to saturate myself in this phase of parenting.I find myself dreaming of when I won’t have to do everything one handed with a 30 pound baby on my hip and when my children can actually tell me what they want. Maya growing up and giving me more space means that I have gotten to start having more alone time with Alma, my oldest, again.I’m flooded with memories of when it was just Alma and I. The sweetness of playing together. The amount of attention Alma got as a baby is something that Maya will never know. I find myself feeling guilty for how little time I’ve spent with Alma one on one in the year since Maya’s birth. The second Maya was born I felt the shift. How everything changed. I knew that me as the mother of one child, would never be again, and, from that moment on, I would always be the mother of two children.Being a mother to one child is radically different than being a mother to two children. Being a family of four is radically different than being a family of three. And I’m sure it continues on this way the more children you have.Each new birth of a family member an entire rearrangement of the mother’s insides, brain, and spirit.There is an innocence to being a first time mother. I had this bravado about it and this audacious certainty of the way I was going to do things being the right and best way.I took on first time motherhood like a young knight going into his first battle. And through the many battles of sleep deprivation, learning to breastfeed, constantly being slapped in the face by all the ways my expectations did not meet up with the reality I was experiencing, I was carved into a wiser mother warrior by my second time around. There’s a smile-and-shake-my-head quality of love for myself as a first time mom, as I look back on it. That first year with Alma was so entirely earth shattering for me. We learned so many lessons the hard way. And yet, Alma’s medicine for me, from what I learned throughout my pregnancy with her to the lessons she is currently teaching me as a toddler, is always about lightness, enjoying life, and being present with what is.Maya came into our world and turned it all upside down again. But I came into being her mother with less expectations, less hard-held beliefs, and more flexibility. Maya’s lessons for me have been harsher and more challenging in a lot of ways. She’s required a deeper maturity. Her medicine is more confronting and so potent. She has taught me about anchoring into myself and my needs. She has taught me to put down ideas about right and wrong and instead to actually move with what feels True for me and for her. She teaches me to love the parts of myself I want to avoid the most. She has made me a wiser warrior. And with this type of wisdom comes more softness, paradoxically. I have so much more understanding for all the ways in which a woman might mother. I am less judgemental and more accepting; seeing each woman’s path to motherhood as her own. And yet, I feel guilt around it all. I feel guilt for the ways I mother. I feel guilt for the ways I don’t mother. I feel guilt for the ways I spend time with my girls and for the ways I don’t spend time with my girls. If I’m not careful, this motherhood thing, can turn into merri-go-round of ways to feel remorseful. And from my conversations with other mothers, this is pretty typical. We seem to be swimming in a sea of mom guilt. Mom guilt is very compelling and I’m not going to say I don’t get swept up and taken out into the sea of mom guilt quite often. But what I also know for sure is mom guilt does not come from my Wise Woman Mother self. It comes from a more reptilian part of myself. A more survival based part. Mom guilt comes from a deep primal love and desire to do right by our children. And that is beautiful.But being taken out by mom guilt isn’t actually in service to our children. And letting the mom guilt take us out over and over again actually makes us less present and takes away from the expansiveness that motherhood offers a woman. Mom guilt is not the Truth. It keeps us small and fumbling around in the dark, when the Truth is we Know.The Truth is our children chose us. The Truth is, each and every child has a journey to walk for themselves, that won’t always be pretty and easy. The Truth is, I have role to play in their growth and it won’t always be the role of fairy godmother. It may be the evil queen at times. The Truth is, we can trust our children. We can trust their souls. The Truth is, we know exactly how to mother our babies.When I tap into my Wise Woman Mother, she says, these two girls have absolutely everything they need. She says that I am doing my best. She says that motherhood does not have to be about martyrdom or a sacrifice, but an opportunity for expansion of my experience as a human. It offers a type of expansion that no other experience can. As long as I keep that at the top of my mind, I can’t make a wrong move. She says that motherhood is growth for the mother, her children, and the community in which they all grow.And so the sea of mom guilt is a place where I will no doubt find myself from time to time. And that is OK. It is part of the transition from maiden to mother, instead of thinking only about myself, “Am I safe?” to expand that into “Are we safe?” and beyond.Motherhood is an experience of interdependence. And to see that gift for what it is and start to use the wisdom and insights this perspective bestows upon us is some of the medicine the world needs most.There are currently 3 Ways to Work with Me: * HOME BODY sessions | one hour with me guiding you into your body as your home + 15 minutes of digestion $222 | Message me to book.* 1:1 Alchemical Journey | 12 months with with guiding you to connect to your most resourced self during big life transitions eg divorce, motherhood, death, etc. | Message me to book a free connection call about this.* 1:1 Nourishment Deep Dive | a 90-min 1:1 session with me where we will go over your health history, current eating habits, symptoms, and health goals and I will come up with a personalized plan for you to implement. You have to be ready to really make some changes to your diet and lifestyle. | $444, Message me to apply. | There will be an option for one or two follow up sessions to tweak things or answer questions, after this as needed. 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