The Silent Treatment

Your generosity makes a huge difference. Thanks so much for reading, for your practice, and for your support.From time to time, I spend an entire day not talking. It’s not the same thing as going on a silent retreat, because I’m still living my normal life. But it brings just as much insight.Because of having to notice, rather than act on, every impulse to speak, I’ve seen some major trends in why I open my mouth. Here are a few:* awkward silence feels unbearable* trying to take care of somebody else’s feelings* wanting people to like me* wanting people to think I like them (sometimes even if I don’t)* trying to be noticed, to be somebodyAll of that comes from a place of uncomfortable contraction, not a place of openness and ease. And staying silent though it all forces me to notice the contraction come and go. If I’m in normal speaking mode, I don’t notice that much of my speech is driven by the desire to get rid of an uncomfortable feeling in my body, the belief that I can’t be ok unless I fill the silence. It’s a pattern that repeats itself again and again, all day every day, unless I check this impulse to speak.If I notice the impulse to speak and don’t act on it, it’s uncomfortable at first, but by the end of a day of doing this I feel a huge relief. I can be at ease and content without having to speak or do anything at all. Contentment isn’t the only thing you’ll get. You’ll also get to finally listen. Like, really listen, and hear what other people have to say, learn more about their perspective. It turns out when you’re not constantly inserting your opinion, assessment, or counterpoint, it becomes a lot easier to let someone else exist, to get curious about them, and to love them— even if you disagree with them.You don’t have to be silent all day to experience this ease. Just start with this one meditation, and see how much space you can stop filling with words today. Create silence, then rest in it.My practice in silence was largely inspired by a book by an incredible man named John Francis, who took a vow of silence for 17 years. In that time, he earned a bachelor’s degree, a master’s degree, a Ph.D. in environmental studies, and taught as a professor at a university. His book is called The Ragged Edge of Silence.All Online Classes Resume Next WeekMaternity leave is 480 days in Sweden, which is starting to make a lot of sense to me. But I did tell myself I’d start teaching these classes again in December since I love them so much, so starting next Tuesday with Parenting as the Path, all three of these online classes will resume. These classes are for anyone interested in meditation and Buddhism, whether you’re a beginner or you’ve been practicing for a long time. I typically lead a guided meditation, give a short talk, and then we have some group discussion. We have a great little community going and all are welcome to join our shenanigans. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe