Hey, everybody, and welcome to The Winter Bears. Look at us. Wow. Wow.
We thought they were phoning it in in the summer. Yeah. But this is the next level, folks. Get ready.
Tom is just in the room over there. Yes. He's just over there having coffee. But we want to be clear.
We will never do this show full time. Never. Never. It's not gonna happen.
And we thought we were doing a horrible job last time. You are in for four of the most phoned in episodes you've ever experienced in your lives. And we don't give a fuck. Truly.
That's the beauty of this. This is like, okay, last summer it was like when your parents have a work trip, so they have to get a babysitter to watch you. This is just now your parents are on benzos in the pool and they've just hired a maid to look at you. We're just like a babysitter because your parents are sick of looking you in the face.
100% two things, and I'm speaking for you, Savvy, but I believe that you'll agree with me. Two things I'll never do in my life. This podcast full time or Bert Kreischer's comedy cruise. Listen, yeah, the cruise is tough.
I got an offer for it and the answer is resounding no and it always will be. I'm not getting on a boat with Bert Kreischer. A boat is one step too far. Yeah.
I don't wanna be in international waters with Bert's biggest super fans. I don't want to. I don't need to be in international waters close to his bare nipples. No offense.
I'll be on a tour bus with his nips. Yeah, sure. I like the tour bus. I need to be on dry land.
100%. I need to know so I can bail out and I could fucking hitchhike to the nearest Buc-ee's and get home if something goes wrong. Now, they're holding on to this show, to this network, the same reason why parents hold on. You know, they're trying to make sure they wanna stay together till our kids are 18, then we'll go on.
They're holding on because they have a contract with HelloFresh. So, we are here to sell pre-portioned chicken cordon bleu. And that's all we're here for. The money was given up front.
And so, between that and BetterHelp and whatever lightning strike bullshit drink that they sell, all that stuff. We were like advertising like a financial service company. Remember that? That was insane.
100%, yeah. Tom is doing season two of his Netflix show coming up with new ways to shit his pants. Yes. And Bert has a multicam sitcom on that.
I don't know what's gonna happen with that. So, that's just... That's not true. They have found their ladders out.
They're trying to climb out of podcasting with sitcoms and movies. Yes. And basically, we're keeping the seat warm in case those both fail. Exactly.
If those shows are successful, this show is done and you guys know it. Now, we're gonna actively... What we're gonna try to actively do over the next four weeks is try not to get invited back for spring bears. So, we're gonna do what we can here.
Will it be possible? I don't know. I don't know. We're gonna try.
We're gonna try. You know, joke world will do what he can to interview us and tell the fans it's a good thing. And, you know, and so... But the honest God is, we're trying here.
We're here with the winter bears. What I do like about this, what is positive about this, is you and I, we don't see each other much. No, this is a great opportunity to catch up. This is a chance for us to hang, you know.
We were both talking about having our breakfast. And we're both talking about how we need to really, you know, get our health together. You got a lot of stuff coming up. And I was like, I want to get my health together for my kids as we're both eating bacon, egg, and cheeses in the left hand and muffins with our right.
No, it's actually worse than that because what we did was... Particularly me. You, to be fair, were happy to be a little slut while we're here. Yes.
You would have... Whatever Benson's food, he's in the booth. We're on Benson's home turf. Whatever he had brought us, whatever, like...
If he poured caramel into a trough, you would have had that for breakfast. 100%. You love to pretend it's out of your hands, right? Because in your heart, you are a fat piece of shit.
I just work out a little. Exactly. And so when it's out of your circuit, when the circumstances force you to have treats... So last time, you basically told Benson Spoon to bring us donuts and desserts.
Muffins. And I was like, hey, man, I'm trying to get it together. Don't do that this time. So he had egg white sandwiches.
And then I just pulled the absolute fat guy move where... Shout out to Josh. He also got just an extra breakfast platter. So even though I ordered an egg white sandwich with spinach and avocado, I took the bacon from the breakfast platter and put it onto an egg white sandwich, which is worse than just a regular egg sandwich.
And let's be honest, you forgot I was standing right next to you. You also put the home fries in the sandwich as well. I used home fries as a condiment. I used fried potatoes as a topping.
If I don't eat it with a fork, I don't consider it that I've even had hash browns. That's part of the sandwich as far as I'm concerned. And we did. We thought we were doing a horrible job last time.
You are in for four of the most phoned in episodes you have ever experienced in your lives. And we don't give a fuck. Truly. That's the beauty of this.
This is like, okay, last episode, last summer, it was like when your parents have a work trip, so they have to get a babysitter to watch you. This is just now your parents are on benzos in the pool and they've just hired a maid to look at you. We're just like a babysitter because your parents are sick of looking at you in the face. 100% two things.
And I'm speaking for you, Savvy, but I believe that you'll agree with me. Two things I'll never do in my life. This podcast full time or Burt Kreischer's comedy cruise. Listen, yeah, the cruise is tough.
I got an offer for it and the answer is resounding no and it always will be. I'm not gonna, I'm not going anywhere. But one day you will and you wanna make sure the ones you love the most are taken care of. And I sleep easy at night knowing I'm taking care of two things.
My life insurance and my health. I go to my doctor every three months and I stay up on my life insurance and I've been having life insurance since I was 32 years old. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash bears.
That's E-T-H-O-S.com slash bears. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. What is going on with you, Chrissy?
It's been a while. You know, how's the fam? You've moved fully into your new home. Now I've moved fully into my new home and what's interesting is I've moved fully into my new home.
And then as soon as I closed, I'm talking about day two, the insurance company told me I need a new roof. So I now am actively trying to get out of the house that I just purchased. Are you serious? Yeah, because I'm like, this thing needs a new roof.
This is crazy, dude. Here's my thing. How much does a fucking roof cost? I know.
Just get a new fucking roof. Stay. I know. Your kids are gonna be fucking, they're gonna have like fucking PTSD.
I know. I wanna get one of them Tesla roofs. Yeah. So, but what we're...
Your kids are having... Somehow your kids are growing up upper middle class, but they have the like, the mentality of a war-torn... Yeah, yeah. My kids are growing up.
That's why they're pro-Palestine. And so, but I'm not, I am, I wouldn't, I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind to sell my house. It absolutely has. I'm not going to do it.
And here, okay, but if I do do it, if OJ Simpson, if I did it, here's the big difference, which I think this is thinking about the kids first. I would not move out of the town that I'm in, so I won't change their schools. Right. You already sent pies to the police officers.
Yes. You've already tried to bribe the police with sweet potato pie. Oh yeah, and they've also been invited to the house for Thanksgiving. So I, but I have been thinking about it and I noticed what happens with me.
You're addicted to moving, bro. I know. You're addicted to Zillow. Yes.
I love fucking moving. That's my one. I love boxing shit up. I know.
And the thing is too, is like, I don't even do it. Like I try to hire companies to do the moving for me because I don't want to do it. I think I'm addicted to being overwhelmed. You ever think about that?
Like, I think I'm addicted to just having some type of constant chaos, overwhelming issue in my life. I get that because if you have that, you can't actually sit and be with your thoughts and your actual deficiencies. Yes. You can't, you don't want to be faced with the fact that you desperately want to cheat every moment of the day.
All you want is a muffin and strange pussy. That's it. You've been having egg whites and been in a committed relationship. So if you're constantly boxing up your things and worried about new schools, you can't let your natural Italian mind wander.
Yeah. And then for me to top all that off, I'm gay. Yeah. Even though the furthest, even that is like a red herring from the real issue.
Yes. Every time, every single time I come up for air and start to meditate, I just see my face on Vito in the parking lot coming up, giving the blowjob in The Sopranos. That's so funny. You try and meditate and you just within three minutes, you're looking, you're thinking about vivid gay sex just right away, right away to the point where there'll be times where like we're just watching the show in bed, like Jasmine and I, and she's like, it's okay if you're gay.
That's actually such a best case scenario. Oh my God. Cause she knows I would always, I'd always stare at my family for life. I'll always take care of them as long as I have things, they have things, but then she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of like moving on with another woman.
She'd be like, Oh, he's just, you know, he's just in a committed relationship with a guy now. Now you think if you were gay, you wouldn't have, because gay guys, they love that. They, to them, cheating isn't even a concept, right? You know what I mean?
It's like how certain, uh, certain like uh different people can't see different colors or like, you know, coyotes and dogs can only see in certain colors. Gay guys don't, or certain languages don't have concepts, you know? Like they don't have the concept of cheating in the gay vernacular. Yeah.
It's like, it's like, I think in, in French society too, I think it's okay to cheat. I'm a, right. I've, I've heard that French guys, the way it works in France is, is you can cheat on your spouse. That's allowed.
You just not, you just can't fall in love. Right. But you can bang and have sex. That's a natural urge.
Okay. It's my right as a Christian man to be able to do that. But that's sex. Yeah.
And you even have your, you set your mistress up in a little petite hotel. A little peaty town. Yeah, a little. And I've actually tried to get that and pulled it off as like a, as a studio for the history of this.
But I've been denied the petite hotel. So Nias and I both have asked our wives, is it possible to just have a little petite hotel? And the answers are resounding no. Really?
It's a resounding no from both of us. I get Yannis though. Yeah, no. Yannis seems like he's over even getting.
Oh yeah, dude, Yannis is 50 years old. He doesn't, he wants to pontificate. That's it. And not nut anymore.
100%, dude. He, he wants to hang out with Ethan Hawke. He just wants to talk about Ethan Hawke poems and movies all day. Listen, I respect that Ethan Hawke.
I can't wait to see the new one. Uh, what is it called? Blue something. Oh yes.
Yeah. I've seen ads for it. Yeah. He, he, like before midnight, before sunrise, all those movies, Ethan Hawke, next level.
Insane fucking actor. Oh yeah. Uh, fuck. Paul Schrader movie.
What the fuck was that called? Um, he's so good. He's the priest who like fucking. Anyway, great actor.
I saw it. Here's a funny thing. Well, not funny, just a random thing about Ethan Hawke is I one time was getting on First Reformed. Oh, First Reformed.
Yeah. Great fucking movie. I was getting on a flight on an American Airlines flight with Ethan and Ethan Hawke was there and we were boarding and I sat like I was sitting like right across from him. And so like I would, you know, go to the bathroom or whatever and like just give him like little pounds.
And I did it probably two or three times. Like I was, I was, I was thinking three stuff. Yeah. And he was cool about it.
I was like, yeah, whatever. You know, like whatever. He's very cool. And then he was probably like, I'm happy.
Like that guy was annoying. And I rightfully so. And then I stayed in LA for like a week and a half. And then on my flight from LA back to JFK, I was sitting in the same aisle as him and he sat, I swear to God, dude.
And I respect him for this. He took off his headphones. Seriously. I was like, Hey man, are you following me?
Wow. And I said, and it was, and it was one of those things where I was like so proud. I was like, Mr. Hawk.
I was like, I am not. I was like, this is random. I was like, I've been thinking all week. I know I bothered you.
I overdid it. I apologize. And I, I remember that. I believe it was the San Antonio Spurs when the NBA championship at that time.
Yeah. It was like a few years ago. Whenever the last time they made the finals, it was then. I mean, dude, we're talking the Miami against the heat.
Yeah. When's the last time the Spurs made it? It was during that time. And I remember, uh, we were all watching the game on the way home and I like, he, I think he was rooting for the Spurs.
He might be from Texas because he was definitely rooting for the Spurs. And, um, and, uh, and I remember like, I like, you know, it was like, Oh, like the score. And then he looked at me and gave me a pound. Wow.
I was like, okay. He's a cool guy. He's cool. I don't know that he would ever remember that.
No, let me tell you something. No, he wouldn't. And if he did, it's because he's like, has your, he has your face. He has like a picture of a, and you're on a list of like, don't let these guys near the property.
Two things are probably true. He doesn't remember me and it wasn't Ethan Hawke. Just some guy with a beard. He's just some woman.
Now, what about you, dude? What's been going on with you? You got a lot of stuff going on. Uh, you know, movie, which is cool.
Begonia. Go see it. It's still in theaters. Uh, that's going out.
That's out there. Uh, I basically have just, I am just trying. This is the story of my life. Just not to try and get a little less fat.
That's what every day I found out that I'm on, so I'm on fat guy medicine. I'm on a, not a so bound. What's the difference? I think it's just a different, you know, peptide type shit.
What's the GLP? It's the GLP one. That's the main one. And, uh, and I re so I just went to a doctor who's not a doctor.
He's a nurse practitioner that would just kind of. Okay. It's Dr. Drew.
He would basically, yeah, he basically, it's literally just a guy, you know, it's funny. He direct, what's funny about him is he kind of dresses like a doctor. And then you look at his card and there's no MD to be found anywhere. It's just a nurse practitioner, which is fine.
Yeah. You're looking at him. You're like, you know, he's, he's very smart, but I saw him on kill Tony. Yeah, dude, my doc.
Oh, my doc. My doctor's a bucket pull. No, that's no good. So what, what was he saying?
Well, he just was not, it turns out I was, and then I talked to a doctor who specializes in fat guy medicine and I should have been going up in dose. I was eating through the, there's like a 2.5 Like that, you know? And so, but usually you go to a restaurant, you can't overeat at a restaurant. No, it's tough.
But it's the pandemic getting close. So we just go to a H Mart, load up on meats and shit, and I just have a tin, like a big ass fucking tin full of fucking short rib. And I'm just eating it. No kimchi, nothing healthy.
Little kimchi, little rice, little soy sauce, a little sesame oil and salt, a little fucking bean paste. Great, great shit. And dude, I just, I almost, it was like I was eating it on a schedule where it was like my timer would go off, so I'd have just enough time for my body to think I stopped eating, and then I would eat something real quick. It was like when actors just talk, like when, what's her face, Hilary Swank, had to be a million dollar baby.
She'd like wake up in the middle of the night to have like protein shakes. I was every like hour waking up and just eating fucking short ribs. And I gave birth. Like I shit, like, literally, I don't know if, I don't know how my ass has snapped back from this, but it was like a, it was like a grapefruit of just like Korean scented shit, like just hard.
And honestly, it smelled kind of good. I didn't have time, I didn't have time to really digest it. I was eating it so much that the fragrant herbs overpowered the shit. And it was, I was kind of like, ooh, this is, if I walked into a restaurant and it smelled like that, I'd be like, hey, who's that?
Dude, well, Koreans have an enzyme in their body where their sweat doesn't smell. So maybe there, you cannot get a Korean person's armpits to smell like BO. It's not possible. I've tried.
Yes, exactly. I've, I've captured a couple of them and just put them in the sauna. You're tickling their armpits with feathers. I'm like, come on.
And nothing. So maybe there's something in the food. That is interesting. And by the way, let me tell you, I know, you know, I worked with Fat Joe in 2014.
We did the show on MLB called, on MTV2 called Off the Bat that nobody watched. Basically MLB was like, oh, we want to make baseball available for like a younger audience. Right. So they make it cool.
Yeah, so they put it on Sundays at 11 AM. I was like, the perfect time slot. Let's get Fat Joe and uh, the first guy from Geico that replies, yes. Yeah.
And you happened to be looking at your email before Schultz? And the job was yours. Yes. I beat him to it.
And so, yeah, you beat John Gaberson to Schultz, and you got to do it. Yeah. And so, and so Fat Joe was like, you know, the other host and Swaye from Swaye in the morning was there and Melanie Iglesias. And it was a great show, but Fat Joe, he had lost all that weight back then in 2014.
And I remember, you know, this is years before Azempic. What was he doing? Was he on, go ahead. No, so I'm sitting with him, right?
And we're in the green room. Wow, look at that. Oh wow, you really looked way more like a fucking Brooklyn Guido there. You had like a puffy face.
You had that fat fucking Goomba face, man, dude. You look so much better now. Yeah. I just, dude, I was, you know what that was?
Dude, that was me, like, I was eating a lot, but that was drinking. That was, I still drink a little bit, but that was like serious, like drink drinking beers, like every day. Beers with fucking Pat Finnegan out of Nealon's. You know what I mean?
That was me, that was me in Maspeth Queens, just throwing back brews. I love it. And so, but Fat Joe, we were sitting in the green room one day before the show and I'm like, dude, like, you know, cause I was feeling fat and puffy. I was like, what do you lose?
How do you lose all this weight? He goes, yo, man, you know what the secret is? One thing, baby, all I have to do, I still eat the way I eat, but now every single day I make sure I have a black cherry seltzer. And I said, and I said, what?
He was like, black cherry seltzers, baby. That's the only thing that I changed, man. And he goes, Joey crack. He goes, and I changed my whole life.
Black cherry seltzers. And I was like, no way. That's true. No way.
That's true. Yeah. So that, but that was his claim. I mean, black cherry seltzers.
And the thing with Fat Joe, he's such a funny guy. He would tell the best stories. Like I remember one time he was telling, telling the story and he had like the whole like room, like riveted, right. Because he was in front of the live audience.
So he was telling us this amazing story once where he's like, he's like, yeah, he's like, you know, it's like 1994 or whatever. Him and big pun, when big pun was still alive, the tunnel, the famous club in New York city, nightclub in New York city is closed now, but he was like, you know, we were going into the tunnel one night. He was like, and there were drug, there were a gang members that were robbing rappers chains or like athletes chains going into the tunnel. Right.
So he said one day me and big pun, you know, they're hardcore dudes from the Bronx. So they walk into the tunnel and the gang members are right there with guns at like right at their chest. So he's like, yo, run your chains. And him and big pun are like, you know, he's like, as much as we want to fight, he's, they got the guns in our chest.
So like, you know, what are we going to, what are we going to do? He goes. And it was like this moment that like felt, you know, like an eternity, but it was five, 10 seconds. Or all of a sudden out of nowhere, they hear, yo, who got a gun to my man?
Who got a gun on my man? Now this is like 1994. It's fucking Mike Tyson. So Mike Tyson, they said, walks into the tunnel.
He has like four chains on no shirt on. This is heavyweight champion Mike Tyson. And he looks at the gangbangers. He goes, y'all gonna have to go through me.
Wow. And then he said, the guys literally put the guns back just like in the belt buckles of their pants and walked out. Sorry, Mr. Tyson.
Sorry, Mr. Tyson. Unarmed. Yeah.
God, he was. Yeah. And I, I'm even forget. Cause it was, he told me so long.
I'm even forgetting like better parts of that story, but he, and we, uh, the way he had us like in the palm of his hand, dude. And I was like, dude, you should come. You should come do standup comedy with me. I was doing a show at Canines that weekend.
I was like, you have like a natural gift or you can rap and you can, you know, tell these stories. Like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And then he showed up and absolutely bombed.
Yes. You're an idiot. I'm a dumb shit. I just needed extra ticket sales.
It was 2014. So I put up on my Facebook wall. Fat Joe is coming. You have had the most hilarious fakes.
Every TV show you've been a part of feels fake and has had no impact, no cultural impact whatsoever. Cancelled immediately after one season or mid-season. Let's run through it. You had that.
I didn't even know about that one. MLB, uh, I've also been a part of eight pilots, not one. I was over eight with my own show ideas. Um, one of my pilots, I illegally put up on my YouTube, my CBS sitcom pilot.
So you can go to Chris DeStefano's CBS pilot, my Chrissy comedy YouTube, and you'll see that. You were hoping for like an internet groundswell. Like, we got to get this on. And there's nobody watching on YouTube.
I got a cease and desist letter from CBS. I violated a major part of the contract. So that's what happened there. Um, and then, and I've been a part of Guy Code and Girl Code on MTV and MTV.
Arguably the most, those are the most culturally impactful. However, they dropped MTV dropped the ball on monetizing it on a tour. Like the Impractical at that time, the Impractical Jokers and Guy Code and Girl Code were getting similar views, but the Impractical Jokers, you know, obviously their show is iconic show, but they were able to captivate. They were able to generate into like a tour.
Isn't that really what you want your life to be? No. On a fucking bus with the rest of Guy Code and Girl Code. Yes, on a bus with, yeah, with Andrew Schultz and Murr.
No, I, I, Guy Code and Girl Code at that time, you want to be 40 being like, if your girl's got a body count of nine, And our lesson. Yes. We have one more lesson. We are not going to say anything funny for the next 20 minutes until the show is over.
Well, that's what's happened to me now this deep into my comedy career is I realized I've made up enough stories about my father that I have nothing left to say. All the ones, all the ones that I've lied about now. They just, I just have to kind of, what I'm doing now is just going back for specials. I'll do all those stories because there's probably new fans, half these people are dead.
They gave up on me. So now I'm like, let's do the bits. I did that last night at the Houston Punchline. I just was running out of steam on my new stuff.
I was happy with my new stuff, but I was like, okay, now I don't want to. And I said, you know what? Don't do anything from the last special. I went back to my Comedy Central half hour and started doing that closer.
And that felt good. I was like, I got a different spin on it. And then I started to justify it to the other comics in the green room. I was like, Hey, you know what, man?
It's bullshit that we always, that we can't do our old stuff. Let's do it. This is what the fans want. It was just because I've been lazy writing.
And they're like, yeah, they all work for you. Like, yeah, Chris. No, you're making a really good point. Yeah.
You're not lazy. You haven't taken it for granted. You're just putting an artistic spin on it. Yes.
I was like, you know, you have saying things like Marcus Aurelius said, I'm like, you never step in the same river twice. And then you are seeing these jokes downstream. Have you, have you, what's your new thing? You always have a new thing you're obsessed with.
What's going on? Finance. Finance. Now I'm a big guy.
No, not crypto. Now I'm going back old school. Now I'm all about financial advisors and the 1% fees and getting away from them and doing it yourself. And really working on that simultaneously, that and the revolutionary war.
Oh, watching Ken Burns revolutionary war, just going deep diving about what this country really means. Really? Yeah. And when the native Americans and learning that, but mainly over the last week and a half, week and a half, it's been mostly finance to the point where Jasmine actually said, Hey, Chris, like I noticed you've been really like going crazy, like with the finance stuff.
She's like, why don't we just set a time once every two weeks? Maybe you and I can like go into the backyard or something and just talk about the finances because you're getting like a little obsessed. Like she was like, you know, my daughter Violet is four. She'd be like, you were talking to Violet about bonds and she doesn't know like what that means.
And it's just like, I don't think you understand. And I was like, well, I just want her to be absorbing it now and understanding the treasury bond. And she's like, I get that. But she just wants to watch Miss Rachel and we just got a puppy.
Oh, we got a puppy. That's the new thing. That's the new thing. Puppies good.
Yeah. I said, what is, how can I make my life? How can I put the treadmill to the highest incline? And I said, let's get a six week old Siberian Husky puppy, a Husky, dude.
Stupid. The most energetic dog that sheds. They're like dickheads too. They're really mean.
Yeah. That needs to be walked all the time. It's not going to be hot as fuck. Hot as fuck.
Shedding. It's around a Puerto Rican family who needs, who needs it. You know, who's always like, the Jasmine is like constantly, constantly, constantly freezing when it's like 90 degrees. So now it's like, you have this dog that it needs to be 20 degrees at all times.
So I've met. Why did you do, why'd you pick Siberian Husky? In fairness, in fairness, we, uh, we're getting worn down by our daughters to get a dog when I didn't want to get one. I didn't want to, I was resistant.
And I was like, you know what? I want these kids to be happy. So I said to jazz, let's get like, we're not gonna stay in a house for four months. We will get a dog.
We'll make it even more annoying to move in the future. Yeah. Now we're not be able to do anything. And I said to myself, I kept saying to her, if we're going to get a dog, then we're going to go with the best breed.
We're going to go with the master, the one who knows what to do. And that's Adolf Hitler's Doberman. So I said, Doberman's are, that is the dog. They don't shed.
They are guard dogs, but they also are good with families. This is a breed to get. And then she has a friend who got a litter of Siberian Husky puppies and sent Jasmine a photo of them. And then Jasmine said, I'm in love now with that one.
And next thing you know, this dog is on a plane from LA. You flew the dog out. Yeah. Yo, all of a sudden on my credit card, I thought somebody stole my info in Philly two weeks ago.
I'm seeing these pet nannies that I'm getting all these hits and they're on American airlines. I said, what the hell's going on? I was like, yeah, I'm flying the dog out. I was like, what the hell?
And then we didn't really look into it, but now we have this dog. Now the whole family is attached to this dog and you see that it sheds. It needs to be walked four to five miles a day. It's not good with families.
And, and it's, and it's, and the main reason why I said, you know what, if we can get a dog, it has to be this way when I'm on the road, at least we have, you know, an extra layer of security, whatever. I feel my family, you know, and now we come to find out these dogs are called alert dogs and they're negotiators. So they are not going to, they will alert you that someone is breaking into the house, but they will do nothing to stop it. And as a matter of fact, they will make a decision when the burglar comes in and they might actually leave with them because they negotiate what's better for me.
So I got the one of the biggest piece of shit dogs you could possibly get. That is the worst kind of dog possible. Yes. Unless you're fucking riding the Iditarod trailer or whatever.
Yeah, there was. And, and as a proud 1776 red, white, and blue American, I got an enemy Russian dog. Oh, it's a Russian dog. Siberia.
You're right. Siberia Husky. Wow. Yeah.
So now I really just absolutely messed up like, and I actually said to, cause she, you know, the dog is shitting and pissing all over the house. Seven weeks old. So it literally is a seven week old puppy. It's so fucking stupid.
You love ruining your life. Exactly. You really love it. So I found another way to get myself just entrenched in it.
But I did say, cause my daughter is now, especially my older one, she's been like, you know, I want this dog. I want this dog. And now we're like, you know, you have to kind of responsibility for it. And so, so far she's been pretty good.
But if she goes a few days with zero responsibility, I'm going to take that as an opportunity to say, we mean what we say. You weren't responsible for these last two days. So now we're giving the dog away. No second chances.
That's it. And you just fucking shoot it in the back of the head. You lock him up. Boom.
A healthy puppy. Yeah. But I will say that so far I was very not anti animals. I like animals, but I was like, I got kids.
I don't want to deal with the dog. But even though it's a nuisance, shitting and pissing everywhere, I actually am very connected to the dog. There's something in a human. Like we're connected to them in a way that I don't think science or maybe science can explain.
I just haven't gotten to that phase of being obsessed with it. Yeah. Right now I'm just busy about the Iroquois. Of course, of course.
Yeah, I don't know. I, I, dogs are fucking awesome, but I just, it's too much fucking work for me. And I mean, someday I've talked about it. I really want a fucking fat bulldog.
I just want, cause I like, like in a hundred one Dalmatians where, you know, they have all the owners look exactly like their dogs. I want that. Fat bulldog with a little fucking, little. I had a Dalmatian too when I was a kid for three months in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn.
And this is actually when my dad started. This is the very first time I ever heard my father ask my mother if he thought I was gay because my mother let me name the dog, the Dalmatian. And like, if you had a Dalmatian, I named it RuPaul. I named it Cruella.
Cruella, which is like a, you know, like a gay kind of thing to do. Cruella is a gay icon. Gay icon. Exactly.
Glenn Close, Cruella. And, um, and, uh, young Cruella. Yep. And I heard my dad say like, Yeah.
Well, dude, well, that's why, you know, like, obviously you don't run Momdani, you know, first Muslim mayor of New York, um, and the flags, the Italian flags in Ridgewood are flying at half-mast right now. Yes. And listen, dude, all I, for me, I'm about preparation. And I said, you know, we have an incoming first Muslim mayor of New York.
That's why I went to Saudi Arabia. Because I said, let me see what it's like. It was a preparation mission. Saw my prayer rugs.
I understood what it is, you know? And so, yeah, so I'm confident now. I did love that where people were like, literally just because like 9-11 happened and we're going to let a Muslim be mayor? People were saying that like it was a real point.
It was like terrorists who happened to have the same faith 21 years ago. They were like, they couldn't understand why people didn't have a problem with that. They're like, yeah, we're just, we're racist. We can't have a Muslim be mayor.
It was so funny, like my group chat, you know, obviously it was like anti-Mamdani, of course. So, so it was funny, like all the guys in the group chat were like, we were defending our city. We're getting out to the voting booth. Nobody voted for mayor.
You know what, even though Cuomo's gay, we're going to vote for Cuomo. And then like that morning, I don't live in the city anymore. So I like texted them at like 2 o'clock. I was like, what'd you guys do?
How was the, how were the lines long, whatever. And everyone's like, dude, I got hungover. You know, Patty was like, I forgot. I had to do a golf outing in Jersey.
Like nobody voted. No, dude. Yeah, I know. It's just everyone's mad.
Cuomo was like a fucking, I mean, it was so funny. That guy is such a fucking loser. Just like sexually harassing people and just being like, and losing and then being like, let me do it again. Yeah.
I want to try it again. I deserve to. Well, it's one of those things too. Now, like his political career in New York is over because like to his, you know, to the base that he could get, like the old school, like white guys that would vote for him, all his opponent ever has to say to Cuomo is like, didn't you lose to a Muslim?
And then everybody's like, yep, he did. I didn't vote for him. I also grabbed my secretary's breast. Yeah, come on.
So that's one for me. It cancels out. I'm just like you. You mentioned prayer rugs.
I saw my prayer rugs. I understood what it is, you know. And so, yeah, so I'm confident now. Look, I did love that where people were like, literally just because, he was like, 9-11 happened and we're going to let a Muslim be mayor?
Like people were saying that like it was a real point. It was like terrorists who happened to have the same faith 21, whatever years ago. It's like, they were like, they couldn't understand why people didn't have a problem with that. They're like, yeah, we're just, we're racist.
Yeah. We can't have a Muslim be mayor. It was so funny. Like my group chat, you know, obviously it was like anti-Mamdani, of course.
So, so it was funny, like all the guys in the group chat were like, we were defending our city. We're getting out to the voting booth. Nobody voted for mayor. You know what, even though Cuomo's gay, we're going to vote for Cuomo.
And then like that morning, you know, I don't live in the city anymore. So I like texted them at like 2 o'clock. I was like, what'd you guys do? How was the, how was the lines long or whatever?
And everyone's like, dude, I got hungover. I didn't vote. Then, you know, Patty was like, I forgot I had to do a golf outing in Jersey. Like nobody voted.
No, dude. Yeah, I know. It's just everyone's mad. Cuomo was like a fucking, I mean, it was so funny.
That guy is such a fucking loser. Just like sexually harassing people and just being like, and losing and then being like, let me do it again. Yeah. I want to try it again.
I deserve to. Well, it's one of those things too now, like his political career in New York is over because like to his, you know, to the base that he could get, like the old school, like white guys that would vote for him. All his opponent ever has to say to Cuomo is like, didn't you lose to a Muslim? And then people are like, yep, he did.
I didn't vote for him. I also grabbed my secretary's breast. Yeah. Come on.
So that's one for me. It cancels out. I'm just like you. You mentioned prayer rugs.
I saw my prayer rugs. I understood what it is, you know? And so, yes, I'm confident now. Look, I did love that where people were like, literally just because he was like, 9-11 happened and we're going to let a Muslim be mayor?
Like people were saying that like it was a real point. It was like terrorists who happened to have the same faith 21 years ago. And it's like, that's so funny. He also was the, he literally is the last guy to not use those.
Like as soon as those came out, he had already like, he already done the work surgery or whatever. And it's like, that's so funny. The last guy. Yeah, and it's funny too, having a, having a relationship with, with Bobby Kelly, you know, we both know him for so long.