The Update- May 13th

In today’s edition of The Update Journal… the rulebook officially leaves the chat.We dive into the completely unhinged world of Banana Ball — where bunting is apparently a federal offense, fans can record outs from the stands, and baseball finally asked the question: “What if we let the theater kids run the league?” Somewhere, traditional baseball executives are currently stress-eating sunflower seeds in silence.Then, we take a confusing detour into “Halfway to Halloween,” because candy companies have apparently decided spooky season now begins shortly after Easter. Nothing says “summer is coming” quite like seeing skeleton-shaped Twix bars while you’re still paying off Memorial Day cookout expenses. Candy now operates on its own fiscal calendar, and frankly, Spirit Halloween is probably already scouting abandoned Rite Aid locations as we speak.And in Brandon’s Take: Teacher Appreciation Week… with teacher expectations. Because while free bagels and tote bags are nice, teachers are still somehow expected to be educators, therapists, security guards, tech support, event planners, and miracle workers before 8 AM. We appreciate teachers so much that we reward them with pizza… and three new responsibilities.Basically, today’s episode asks one very important question: Did society quietly become a parody of itself while we were distracted?In the headlines on #TheUpdate this Wednesday, the horrific Inwood fire that killed three people, including a top veteran fashion journalist and her elderly mother, was caused by a neighbor who carelessly flicked his cigarette butt, prosecutors said.The estranged husband of a prominent New York City art dealer said he wished his spouse was dead before the co-owner of a contemporary art gallery was found stabbed to death in his Brazilian townhouse, a witness testified as a murder-for-hire trial got underway in Manhattan.And in Baltimore, prosecutors announced criminal charges in the deadly 2024 collapse of Baltimore’s Francis Scott Key Bridge, accusing a Singapore-based ship operator of intentionally relying on an improper fuel pump that contributed to the ruinous crash and then lying about it to investigators.