The Victimized Mother and the Well Used Mother

The times I feel victimized by motherhood are few and far between these days. The first year of my oldest daughter’s life I was victimized constantly. I got pregnant very unexpectedly with my youngest daughter when my oldest was just 5 months old. This is when the victimization of motherhood took on an almost moment to moment frequency. Almost every second I was hit by another wave of blame of my husband or jealousy of my past childless self or self pity because of how much was now required of me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, no breaks. Once I got in alignment with my second pregnancy, my morning sickness subsided and Alma started to eat solids and was not needing to breastfeed as much, I had a sweet spot in my second and third trimester where I remember feeling really smooth and connected to the beauty of Motherhood. However, once Maya was born the ever present victimization came roaring back. How was I supposed to have two little babies, 14 months and infant, dependent on me? When would I ever get sleep? Or read? Or shower? Or rest? How are you supposed to cook dinner when both babies need you to hold them, or walk to the car, or go to the grocery store? Put a global pandemic as the cherry on top and I was in a pretty good position to be victimized for life. That first year of being a family of four was by far the hardest year of my life. I was in it. Every single day. No rest. No breaks. If you ascribe to the diagnosis of new moms with mental health disorders (I do not, I just call it having your entire existence rerouted and reassigned while your physical body, nervous system, and hormones go through more changes than puberty); I had postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression and severe postpartum insomnia.Having two babies back to back was like a marathon rapid descent into Motherhood. Quite honestly, mothers have every reason to feel victimized in a society that doesn’t value them, doesn’t support them, and doesn’t revere them for the absolute portals of creation they are. But victimization isn’t something that actually serves a Woman’s power or opening. It is not something a Woman in her true and mature Mother feels. Because The Mother is a creator and a creator would never be victimized by their creation. The part of a woman that feels victimized by motherhood is a young part. It’s the part that is in denial of her Creative Power. It’s the part that isn’t willing to take responsibility for Creation. In this way, victimization actually feeds the society that doesn’t value mothers. Being victimized because society doesn’t value you is essentially saying: this society has power over me and I cannot change it. But..you can. We can. I did. As I have slowly and steadily looked at every nook and cranny of my victimization over these past 3 years I have seen all the places I put myself last. All the places I haven’t centered myself. All the places I abandoned myself.All the places I didn’t communicate clearly what I needed or wanted. All the places I sacrificed myself without anyone even really asking me to but because it was what I had been modeled. I saw all these places and I, baby step by tiny baby step, said:No, I will do this a different way. A way that venerates my well-being. A way that upholds my values. A way that threads fullness, vibrancy, radiance and beauty into our family. A way that is rooted in the Earth and what She teaches me about reciprocity. A way that is guided by the connection to my pussy, womb, heart and voice. When Women truly rise to the invitation that Motherhood is and claim their worth, claim their power, and claim their Knowing, our reality will quickly arrange itself in such a way that the Mother is valued, revered and honored.In my world on a very real, practical and foundational level: Mothers are valued. Mothers are centered and The Center. Mothers are cared for. Mothers are fed and satiated and full. The counsel and wisdom of Mothers is taken in and heard. No big decisions are made without first consulting and hearing from the depth of the Mother’s body. My family’s bodies are nourished on every level.Our number one priority for our family is wholeness, above money, productivity, accolades, success, external validation, and social virtuous optics. When it’s been a long day with two toddlers and I feel the sneaking thoughts of victimization about how little time I have or how much laundry I have to do start to wiggle in, I turn towards that victimized part and blast her with some of my Mother love. I hold her while I hold my babies. I tell her she heard, seen, and loved. But she does not drive my life or make decisions, or require anyone else’s validation but my own. Most the time the feeling and thoughts of victimization dissolve into a juicy, pulsating, and fulfilled sensation in my womb. The thoughts turn to: what a gift it is to be so well used. I couldn’t imagine an any more worthwhile task than being with these little human souls as they come into their bodies. What a gift it is to serve at this level. To Shepard these ancient souls of my daughters. To feed, clothe, hold, bathe, and care for them. To get to act out on such a tangible and concrete level my devotion to Life and living itself. The satisfaction I get from being a Mother is really hard to do justice with words and I love words.It’s like eating a big meal, outside, at a beautiful table, with close friends you love. It is gratifying on a soul level. It is perfection. It is the best thing that I’ve been done or will ever do. It is everything. And I am overcome with gratitude, which feels like the most surrendered and deep love. One inquiry for you to sit with or journal with if you feel activated by this piece: Where am I more committed to my victim story than my creator story? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe