The Vulnerable Truth

I have this anti-social cynic that lives in me.She wants to point her finger down her throat and make gagging noises and roll her eyes when people talk about ‘sisterhood’ and ‘community.’ She’s all good. She’s totally fine. She doesn’t need a thing. She is self sufficient. She can hold herself in all situations. And if she does need something from someone, on the very rare occasion, it is going to be well compensated for. She is going to pay full price for those services. She is only going to receive exactly what she can give back and nothing more.Tit for tat. Even Stephens. Because, God forbid, she be indebted to someone else. God forbid, she be held by someone else. God forbid, she allow herself to have something more than she could get herself.This part of me holds people at an arm’s length. She doesn’t trust people to come in and get close. She feels a sense of vigilance and protection at all times. Always opting to do it herself over having help. She is the one who feels like friendship is actually competition. She is the one who feels like love is a game to play. This part of me only wants to participate in group dynamics if she is somehow the star, the leader, put on a pedestal above everyone else. She wants to be the leader, the best there is, or she wants to disappear into her cave, alone, and seemingly “safe.” Invisible or one hundred percent visible and separate; nothing in between. And…I can feel how this part of myself is one of the main pieces standing between me and what I desire most.She is the part between me and true intimacy. She is the part between me and the love that wants to surround me, support me, and hold me. She is the part between me and you, my readers, followers, fans, friends and loved ones. And she is the part that has stood between me and some of my deepest wounding. The wounding around being different. The wounding around not belonging. All of us, every single one of us, want to be seen, felt, known and unconditionally loved. There have been many points in all our lives where we felt the opposite of these things. Points in our lives where we’ve felt judged, unseen, like an outsider, and unloved. And we’ve all come up with our own stories to explain these painful experiences. Stories that protected us and kept us safe at one point, but eventually have become barriers to the very experiences of connection we crave.My story was that I was better off alone, that I had to be superior to everyone I came in contact with so that I can always keep myself separate.And I am ready to be done with that story. I love this part for all the ways she has protected me up until this point. She is brutal, relentless, competent, efficient, and incredibly capable and I am sure I will need those qualities throughout my life and I will be so glad I built those skills. But I no longer need her to protect me. And I am ready to come out of my shell. As a commemoration to this shifting I have decided to do something wildly vulnerable for me and that is to hold a free call for my community, the people who are reading or listening to these words. No matter if this is the first thing of mine you’ve ever read or you’ve been following me since I first began writing online in 2014, you are welcome on this call. It is a way for me to reintroduce myself from this softer, more available, and open location and for us to get to know each other. In this call I imagine I will talk about my journey over the last few years; through motherhood, energetic mastery, the lineage I have proudly become a part of and what that means, and a bit about the work I do in the world. This is not a sales call. This is not a pitch call. There is nothing being offered here except a chance to connect with me heart to heart. I am requesting, vulnerably and honestly, some support from you, my community, in the final turning of the page into an entirely new chapter of my life. Come to meet me for the first time or the hundredth time. Come to ask questions; questions about my work, questions about my life; questions about anything. Come to see who else is there. Come to feel how it feels to be with me. Come because it makes you feel squirmy and uncomfortable. Come because you feel warmed and welcome.SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20th at 1pm PST/2pm MST/4pm EST. If you’re ready, just sign up via the link below and you’ll get the zoom link delivered to your email. I hope to see you there. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe