The Withholder Attachment Personality Pattern: Overcoming Codependency and the fear of intimacy

When we are born into a family of dysfunction, we find a way to function. We develop a way of being that allows us to survive, thrive, connect, or cope. I call these Attachment Personality Patterns (APPS). Today, we are discussing the APP of the Withholder. It is not my intention to diagnose you. I am simply giving you a framework to identify patterns of codependency behavior so that you can break free from these self-destructive patterns and in turn, create the loving, mutually beneficial, healthy relationships you deserve. That being said, there are 5 key indicators of a Withholder. Although there are certainly more than 5 ways this shows up, I find these 5 to be prevalent in most Withholding Types. You do not need to identify with all 5 to type as a withholder. You may simply identify strongly with 1 or 2 key indicators. The important thing is that we cultivate awareness around how withholding shows up in your relationships and sabotages your connections with others. With that awareness, you will be well on your way to breaking free from this Pattern. Patterns are not pathological. And they are not fixed. You also may identify with more than one Personality Pattern. The important thing to know is that you can change your Attachment Personality Pattern at any time simply by deciding to begin your codependency recovery journey. Watch the video to learn the key indicators. Now that I’ve identified the 5 key indicators, I want to discuss the point of origin for this Attachment Personality Pattern. Likely, you were born into a family that was dysfunctional in some way whether it is abusive, alcoholic, or addicted. The main theme was uncertainty, unreliability, and unpredictability. You wanted the love of your primary caregiver(s) but found that loving them meant you got hurt in some way. So while you longed for the closeness intimacy could provide, you simultaneously feared it. You inevitably ended up abandoned, rejected, or hurt. So today, one of the core internal battles a withholder faces is the deep need for intimacy and the simultaneous fear it will destroy her/him. Withholders don’t necessarily fear abandonment because their strategy is to never get too close to anyone in the first place so it won’t hurt when /if they do leave. They believe that by keeping their distance, they won’t love too much. Meaning, if they did allow themselves to get fully vested in someone, the pain of their inevitable betrayal would be too much to bear. So they maintain distance to avoid feeling too vested. What is the path to recovery for a withholder? If you recognize that you fit this pattern, the work begins with your recovery journey. That’s why I created LYFE School which stands for Love Yourself First Empowerment. In LYFE School, I teach the 7 tenets to overcome all codependent Attachment Personality Patterns. You learn to speak your truth and share your authentic self with those you love. You learn to open up and allow others to love you the way you want to be loved. You work through the old programming and fears that have kept you from truly connecting with others. If you are interested in LYFE School you can find more out at www.LoveCoachHeidi.Com Love, Coach Heidi