They Told Me I Was Born Broken

I had panic attacks as a child because of God.Not because of death, or darkness, or the usual things that frighten kids. Well, yes, those things, but not because I feared being alone in the dark. I feared being there with hod.The god I was taught was watching, always watching, and I was never quite good enough. He had created me to be born “in sin”. I was never quite safe. I walked around in a state of low-grade dread I didn’t have a name for, because nobody told me it had one. I panicked when the house was too quiet, fearing my family had been raptured and I was left behind.Hypervigilance. Religious trauma. A nervous system that learned early that the universe was not on my side.I was in my thirties before I started to understand what had been done to me. I’m 65 now, and I’m still working it out. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit grief2growth.substack.com/subscribe