Things I Don’t Apologize for Anymore

For a lot of my life, I felt like I needed to explain myself.Why I wanted to wear something comfortable.Why I could spend hours reading.Why I needed quiet.Why I said no.Why I changed my mind.Why I wanted to get my nails or hair done when those things weren’t technically “necessary.”And sometimes explaining myself eventually turned into changing myself.In my past marriage, there were times when something as simple as wanting to wear jeans and a T-shirt or leggings and a T-shirt became an argument.Eventually, sometimes I would change what I was wearing.Not because I wanted to.Because I wanted the fighting to stop.Looking back now, I keep asking myself:Why did my comfort require someone else’s permission?Reading was another one.From the time I was young enough to understand books, I could disappear completely into a story. If there was another book in the series, I needed it. Then the next one. Then the next.Some people saw that as unproductive.Now I wonder whether books sometimes gave younger me somewhere safe to go mentally when real life felt like too much.And then there are things as simple as getting my nails done.I like doing it at least once a month.And every few months, I like getting my hair done.Yes, those things make me feel a little more put together.But mostly?They make me feel good.And that matters more to me now because I’ve realized how much of my life I’ve spent taking care of everyone else.My kids.My significant other.My family.The people I love.I want them to have what they need.And when I can, I want them to have things they want too.But I’ve done that to the point where I’ve put myself last.I’ve gone without.I’ve postponed things for myself.I’ve spent on other people first.I’ve told myself:“I’ll worry about me later.”So when I want to keep one little thing for myself…why do I have to defend it?Why is it okay to give so much of myself to everybody else, but somehow selfish when I keep something small for me?I don’t believe that anymore.Why does everything I do for myself have to qualify as a necessity before I’m allowed to enjoy it?It doesn’t.And I’m learning the same thing about boundaries.About needing space.About saying no.About changing my mind.About asking questions.About protecting my peace.None of this means I’ve stopped apologizing.If I hurt someone, I want to own that.If I’m wrong, I need to be able to admit it.But someone being disappointed by my decision and someone being harmed by my behavior are not automatically the same thing.I spent too many years treating them like they were.I’m trying to stop.Because I can say:“I’m sorry I hurt you.”without saying:“I’m sorry I’m me.”And maybe most importantly…I’m allowed to keep a little bit of myself for myself. 💗🎧 IN THIS EPISODEI talk about:• Spending years feeling like I had to explain myself• Apologizing without actually saying “I’m sorry”• People-pleasing and avoiding conflict• Being pressured to dress differently in my past marriage• Choosing comfort without feeling guilty• Getting my nails done once a month because it makes me feel good• Getting my hair done every few months• Struggling with how I’ve viewed my appearance• How other people’s comments can make insecurities worse• Spending my life taking care of everyone around me• Putting myself last while making sure others have what they need and want• Why doing something small for myself shouldn’t require an explanation• My lifelong relationship with books• Reading intensely and moving through entire series• Wondering whether books sometimes gave me an escape during difficult periods• Needing quiet and alone time• Not being available 24/7• Saying no without writing an essay explaining why• Changing my mind• Asking questions instead of staying quiet• Feeling things deeply• Loving and protecting the people in my life• Learning to include myself among the people I take care of• Protecting my peace• Setting boundaries people may not like• Looking at younger versions of myself with understanding instead of shame• Learning the difference between causing harm and simply disappointing someone💗 A NOTE FROM MEI don’t want to become someone who never apologizes.I want to become someone who understands when an apology is actually mine to give.There’s a difference.I can care about another person’s feelings without automatically handing them control over my decisions.I can spend my life loving and caring for other people without completely neglecting myself.And sometimes the healthiest response isn’t:“I’m sorry.”Sometimes it’s:“This is what works for me.”Or even:“This is something I’m doing just because it makes me happy.”And then letting that be enough. Get full access to Radiant Rise | Michelle Baldwin at radiantrisemystory.substack.com/subscribe