Things You Should Never Say to Your Adult Children (Marriage Unhindered)

Whew! Okay. So, you know how some people think parenting is going to get easier once the kids move out and start paying their own bills? 😅 It doesn't. Doug Hinderer, the seasoned dad of nine adult children, is here to tell you that you're still a parent even when they’re 41 and have better health insurance than you.   In this episode of Marriage Unhindered on Relevant Radio, Doug jumps into the wild new world of parenting grown-up kids. And guess what? Doug sees it as way more emotionally complex than changing diapers or keeping them from falling downstairs. You can check out two full episodes here! Part 1 Part 2      The Real Talk on Parenting Adult Children   Doug starts with a humble disclaimer: he’s still figuring this out, like the rest of us. Even with decades of experience and a full soccer team’s worth of children, he admits it’s hard to know when to speak, when to stay quiet, and how to be a parent who doesn’t hover... but also doesn’t ghost.   He unpacks four big emotional landmines that parents hit when their babies become grown-ups:      Your Identity is Tied to Protecting Them   From diaper duty to drivers ed, you’ve spent YEARS keeping them safe and guiding their every move. Letting go of that control feels like turning off your parenting superpower and becoming… what? Just a person with opinions and a checkbook?     You Still See Their Teen Mistakes   You watched them mess up their geometry homework and forget to gas the car. So, it’s tough to fully trust them now that they’re making life decisions, like jobs, spouses, and actual mortgages. Doug reminds us: they’ve grown. Don’t define them by who they were at 17. 🙏     Old Communication Patterns Die Hard   You give advice → they resist → you worry → they withdraw → you get mad → they stop calling. Sound familiar? 😬 These cycles have to be broken, or you’ll be stuck arguing about things well into their 30s.     Letting Go Feels Like Losing Them   It’s not just about control; it’s about closeness. You used to talk about everything. Now, you find out they changed jobs on Instagram. That loss of influence can feel like grief. And it’s okay to admit that.     What Not to Say to Your Adult Kids:   Doug pulls from an article listing 17 things you should never say to your grown-up children. Here are a few that hit especially hard and some thoughts from Doug:   “When are you going to settle down?” ➤ Sounds like pressure. They're not on a timer.    “I wish you were more like…” ➤ Never compare. It damages confidence and family dynamics. Everyone’s on their own path, gifted by God in their own unique way.   “I don’t understand why you’re doing that.” ➤ Translates to: “You’re being dumb.” Try curiosity instead of criticism: “Help me understand what you're thinking.”   “You should have listened to me.” ➤ Oof. That stings. They already know they messed up. Offering help, not judgment, builds the bridge back to relationship.     💡 Doug’s Advice:   Parenting adult children is holy ground. You’re no longer the boss; you’re a mentor, a support system, and yes, sometimes the one biting your tongue so hard it bleeds.   Shift from control to connection. Your job now: Be present, be curious, be kind. 🌱   Resist the “I told you so.” Instead, go for: “Wow, that’s tough. How can I help?” 🤝     🙌 Final Thought:   Even if your kids are still in diapers, this episode is your Holy Spirit heads-up: they will grow up. And when they do, loving them well means letting go of being the director of their lives... and stepping into the role of trusted guide.     The best way to listen to the Best of the Week is on our #1 Free Catholic App. It’s free and always will be! To get and share the Relevant Radio app, check it out here.