So I posted this and it's a video actually and I had looked at that. I wish I had looked at that. You know what they say as comedians. They say if you could just make one person laugh.
Yeah, it's not supposed to be you. It's not supposed to be you. Sorry. Look at me.
It's like I'm going to pass out 100%. Is everyone cool if we just start the podcast? Hey guys, New Up says two bears, one cave and sitting in for Tom Sugura, the legend himself. All right, thank you for doing this on such short notice in lieu of Tom.
Yeah, Lou, you got the Jew. He's Lou. I got the two. Now you said is everybody OK if we just start the podcast, but you don't wait for an answer.
Oh, yeah, I didn't know. It's nice. It's kind of polite to say is everybody ready, but then you you don't if you don't wait for an answer because there might be somebody in the room that's not you got a guy climbing the walls here. Why are you climbing?
You weren't ready. I like the spontaneity of things just like the wide red. Yeah, the wide red bird. Yes, you got.
OK, nobody was ready. Why is it ready? OK, so my like my officially a bear. You are a bear like in this sense, not the not like the grinder sense.
No, you are you are officially a guest bear. You have rights to percentages, you get points on our ad sales. You can ride the race car whenever you want. I'm trying to be a mogul, how we see that.
I see that we're in the studio, which is just a new building. Yeah, that you bought. It's a whole home. It's a whole home.
We converted everything into a studio. See, Tom is Tom is on the and I would love to see your two cents. Tom is in the sea. My two cents.
You're it just here. Oh, because this is on YouTube also. No, I guess what you're saying. Yeah, I want to see you to see my two cents.
Tom is in the world of rent your space. Don't own your space. Build out your studio, but don't you don't see mine is by your space. Yes, don't sell your space.
Done. Never. That's never. I wish you could look at Tom's real estate options.
Can I show you some of his old houses and you tell me if they were good. You saw them. You saw one. He shouldn't be selling.
See, I we were talking right before we were rolling. We're probably rolling. We're always before you asked is everybody OK with it. I'm a narcissist.
I just care about myself. You do. But you asked the question. Yeah.
Yes. So you say to your wife, do you love me? And then you just fuck her. I brought it last night.
I feel when you make that noise and you're talking about your wife, I feel like I shouldn't be in the room. I give you a book of songs and everything to start. We watch Greece. We got to bottle of wine.
We had time reading. I'm loving your coasters. Have you read? You don't know what that says.
I'm no gynecologist, but I know a dirty cunt when I see one. Did your wife buy this? You bought the she bought things in here as hers. So your wife went shopping for a little knickknacks.
And this is a knickknack. Your wife is amazing. Let me go. There are two.
What is that one? There are two sides every story and you're a little cut in both of them. So she goes, coming shopping. Your wife, what is your wife?
I did. I actually bought for my wife. I bought a key chain for her car that says I'm the cunt on the key chain. She has that.
Yeah. But and I don't like driving. So she drives everywhere. And when I'm driving either, I don't because I'm like drinking.
So you like I'd like designated. I'm a designated passenger. But anyway, she she we valet and it's always just fun to watch the guy go get the keys and and then look. He's just you see him looking like who's the cunt.
And it's always my wife. But it's a gift from me. So it means but I feel like your wife and my wife would get along really good. If this is how she shops.
Yeah, my little sister. You podcast my little sister. I'm not I'm not going to leave that there. I think they have it.
Two cunts, one cave or two. I would be really. Two cunts, three caves, two cunts, two caves, two cunts, two caves. Obvious.
Yeah, obvious. Right. My little sister's name's Cottie. And when she first came out to visit in LA, my little sister is way funnier than me.
And she goes up, we're trying to get a table at a restaurant. And she goes, it was early. She was hung over. Right.
She goes to three for Cottie and he goes, country and she just goes, yup. That's my name. Say it out loud and stack back down. I was like, no, is that your name?
She goes, no, you guessed it. That's my name. That's my name. And then she sat there with her arms folded and he goes, you guys, you're ready.
And she goes, I'm so sorry, I can't hear you. Who's it for? And he was like, it's for you. And she goes, no, no, no, no.
My name. And then he goes, country for three. And she goes, that's us. My sister is way, you and her good because you're Jewish.
We got to kick out of this. So my sister, you're not doing something like this. No, I like this story. And I know this story, but tell me.
No, you don't. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I bet you I do.
I bet you I know the story. I know the story. Is it the one where she works at a fucker at a studio? And she sends out.
What the fucker? He ain't sorry. I can't even. You know it's bad when Howie Mandel goes.
You've told me the story twice. You were on my podcast. I remember now. Howie Mandel does stuff.
Howie Mandel does stuff. Fuck. I just got two subscribers now. You got a bunch of subscribers.
You really think your people would come over to mine? Bro, you're a legend. Are you fucking kidding me? Everyone loves everything you do.
I love what you do. And I love that story so much. And I've retold that story a bunch of times. It's so patellar because maybe why I'll do it with the other words.
So this get no. Tell the story. I love the story. I'm standing at a joke.
I'm not telling the story. I'm going to tell you a different story. So the last point now people in the comments are going, why don't you tell us a fucking story? Oh, you know what?
If you want to hear the story, go to Howie Mandel does stuff with Bird Crusher as the guest. It's a brilliant fucking story. Clip it out. Clip that little part out and then tag the story from your podcast and drive the listeners there.
That's what we do. Goddamn it. We're good together. So the last time you were together.
Yeah. I my computer starter, man. Do you remember this? I know this story.
No, you were on your podcast. I answered the phone. Do you know the whole story though? The whole story.
The whole story. I think I do, but maybe not. Okay. Tell me the story.
I answered the phone. Yes. Which I was fascinated that you gave out your phone number. I got docked.
I got docked in my phone. What is docked to me? When someone doesn't like you, so they give out your phone number. Okay.
What if they love you and they give out? Can you be docked? I've done that before. I've docked people out of love.
I docked. No, you tell the story. Go ahead. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm going to see what happened. You know what, guys? If you want to check this out, check out Birk. This is just an episode of sending people to other episodes of other podcasts.
I got to go in from Joe Rogan. You guys should check that out. So what happened is we were doing the podcast. Because I was docked, I changed the phone.
I had a new phone number. But my old phone number would go to FaceTime on my computer. So my FaceTime, my computer would FaceTime people, try to FaceTime me. I was like FaceTime people.
And so it started FaceTime. And you know, what is that? I said, oh, I got docked. And so the FaceTime fans were calling you and you answered it.
And I said, okay. And so we answered it. And I said, I got my phone number. And the guy was like, how do you man?
And you go, yeah, don't call me. You keep calling me. And he was like, I thought this was someone else's. And you know, who did you think it was?
And you fuck with the guy. It was hilarious. No, here's what happened. So I was on a good OCD kick.
I was not having any issues of repeating thoughts. And I was good with this whole phone number thing had bothered me, had tweaked me a little bit. So I go to the guy. I go fucking idiot.
I go to that computer and I go to text that guy like, hey, can we use you on your thing? From your computer. From my computer. That was a new number.
I'm a new fucking number. Yeah, I told you this story. If I told you this goddamn story, I don't wanna vote you. You did it.
Really? To be honest with you, we've talked. We've had a lot of conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I thought on this episode, I should just show up. Let's just sit silently. There isn't a podcast. There's no episode.
We're just two guys, just sit, don't say anything, and just think about the great stories we've shared in the past. Okay. What? Whoa.
Man. And if they wanna know what these are, just every episode on every other podcast, not this one. Not this one. be pre-shared.
No, but go ahead. What if you did a podcast? I wanted to do a podcast. I told you this before.
Yeah. Yeah, you have. What a do a podcast. The fact is we've only done two shows together.
I did yours. I didn't tell you my best story. No, when I was 22, I got Bob with the rest of my Fia. That one you've told everyone.
Okay. Okay. And they're special. Okay.
Can I tell you about the time I got my haircut? Which hair are we talking about? Top hair. Okay.
Top hair. No. So this is a good story. Let us be the judge of it after the story.
Okay. I don't like when people go, this is the best joke in the world. Yeah. And then my expectations are so high, they're usually doesn't meet the expectation.
So if you say your haircut story is phenomenal, bring it buddy. It better be fucking phenomenal. This is the best fucking haircut story. We are about to hear.
And if you're going to share a really good haircut story, who better to share it with than this face? Look at this. Great haircut story. My hands are sweating.
Let me get a sip of coffee and get the story ready. I got a fine knife. Mine not sweating. I don't know if I got to rewrite it in my head and make sure it's positive.
That's how you drink coffee. You sip loud like that. Slurp. Slurp.
I'm going to add a little bit more method to that. Oh, have you never seen Asian people eat soup? No. That's where I got it.
You got it from the Asian people. Well, one is her name Sandy. Her name is Sandy. Her name is Sandy.
I'm going to go to haircut. I'm going to go to haircut. I'm going to go to haircut. I'm going to go to haircut.
I'm going to slide in here so quick you don't even notice it. You go, wait. Have you ever listened to Jews drink water? That's my favorite podcast.
Jews drinking water? We're not good with water. I don't know if you know the story. Do you remember the story or the Bible story?
No. When we escaped, we walked through the desert for 40 fucking years. We finally get to water. We finally got to the water.
What would anybody else do? If you finally, 40 years in the desert, in the fucking desert, looking for our homeland, we come to a body of water. What did we do? You drink it?
No. We waited for a miracle. We waited for the water to part so we can walk in more heat, in more sand. Like we didn't even go in.
We didn't swim. We didn't take a dunk. We didn't take a drink. We're not going toward the water until the water moves away so we can have more desert.
I don't really understand why we did that. If I was a smarter comic, I would have had a really great job. You know what we did with water? What's it called when a government controls all the water?
It's a word? Russia? No. I don't know when the government controls water.
Then they've taken that water and then you have to buy it from the government. What's that called? Communism? It is something like that.
I don't know. I've never lived where somebody else controlled my water. It's really popular in Africa. Like really?
It's a problem. You have hit every, for the last three seconds, you've told me how Asians drink soup, how the Africans are don't own their own water. Microloans are being in Africa. I know a lot.
Have I've been canceled? No, I don't know. Not yet. Cancelling's like swimming with sharks.
It is. He's going to keep your feet up every now and then. Okay. Okay.
So what is that? They're looking at this. Water rights facts. When do you believe that you have found, I see you scrolling through.
No. He's never in a million years. You've got to find this. He doesn't find it.
He's not clicking on anything. If there's water like federal government owns water, history of clean water, summary of clean water. Does government control the water? Click on that.
What does the government control water? The state, the Safe Drinking Water Act. No, that's not what you're looking at. It's not colonized.
No, it's, they own the water. No, it's, it's a day. They, they own the water. No.
Is this supposed to be? What does it mean to regulate water? Isn't there a story about the haircut that we can move to until we figure out what happens to that? Or what was the other thing?
My Asian friend Sandy who taught me how to drink soup. Her name's Sandy. Right. One day we're all sitting around and someone says to her, you know what it is, Tat.
She goes, that's my, what? What? Privatization of water. Privatization of water is when they take up.
Yes. So the joke would have been, hold on. The joke would have been, the joke would have been, do you know what the Jews first when they got, when they got to go over there go privatize it? And then it would have, it would have murdered.
Yeah, but nobody, but nobody even knew what privatization. But you would have gotten it though, right? No. And the point is that like what they'd be going, what the fuck does that even mean?
What does that mean? And then you'd have to Google for the next 10 minutes to find out it's a punch line. And they wouldn't even have thought it was really funny as much as they would have thought, oh, he's well read. Hold on.
Hold on. And he's not. He just is in a room with people who are reading. Do this.
Tell the story again and let me do my line and let's just see if it's funny. Okay. Okay. So the Jews walk for 40 years in the desert.
Really? And we finally get to the water. We finally, after 40 fucking years looking for the homeland, we get to the water. What do you think we do?
Proteise it. It's hysterical. You know, it was, they gave us straight face during that story because I got so excited like they were calling my name at the Chicago Bulls. I'm like, how about that?
How about that? How about that? It's brilliant. You know what they say as comedians to say if you could just make one person laugh?
Yeah. It's not supposed to be you. It's not supposed to be like somebody in the audience. So what did Sandy do?
So Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, we're having Chinese news at her house. I'm one of her family members who calls her TAT. I go, what the fuck's TAT? She goes, yeah, she goes to my Chinese name.
I said, what? She goes, I go from Boston in the 70s. I couldn't have a Chinese name. Wasn't like a super forgiving place.
So one day we all sat around the table and we picked white people names. So we got to simulate. So for real, she goes, I go, everyone. She goes, everyone.
I said, well, how about you? I said, well, how about you? I said, well, how about you? I said, well, how about you?
I said, well, how about you? I said, well, how about you? You know, I was in the 70s. I was in the 70s.
I couldn't have a Chinese name. Wasn't like a super forgiving place. So one day we all sat around the table and we picked white people names. So we got to simulate.
And I said, for real. I go, everyone. I said, well, how did you come up with Sandy? She goes, well, I was new because she was not from this country.
She goes, I was a new girl at school from a different country. And I wasn't very cool. But I had just seen this movie about this new girl from a different country that had a hard time fitting in the movie. She was the coolest girl at that school.
He had a change that you didn't know he didn't know that Sandy do today. She I don't know she goes to Vietnam and buy stuff and brings it back Yeah, has she had any plastic surgery? No, no, she's Asian So I need it no, but I'm saying maybe she enhanced herself No, she's no tit for tap is what you're saying her last name's tap and so that's so fucking hilarious no tit for Tat no tit for tat. I'm fucking calling me in right now to tell her no tit for tat Sandy No, no, oh wow, this is gonna murder is that better than privatizing water?
I don't know we're gonna try the pricing We'll talk on the end in a second. Okay. All right. Wow You play fucking arenas and now you're just there's arenas and Leanne What do you get more satisfaction from?
Yeah? Okay? Fucking what the fuck do you ever just want to cancel your iPhone? You don't know how to answer it You don't get a phone.
How do you know? She doesn't know how to answer it. She's not she maybe doesn't want to that's the whole point That's why she doesn't get a phone anymore. No one gets phones I would I would like to have all the phones in my hand go you'll take away your wife's phone You're at that point in your marriage where you can go no phone for you time out All right, but we'll try again a little later and we'll try the privatization or tit for tat yeah Which one will get the bigger response from Leanne different at home room?
She won't even know what privatization is I didn't I'm not knocking your wife. No, but he else in this whole room knew what it was It's like I took nine people to Google. It's like everybody knows what tit is nobody knows what privatization is Yeah, well, it's interesting I bet there's a lot of kids that don't know what Rambo is but I bet you if you would have said the Jews walk for 40 years in The fucking desert they got to the water. What do you think they did?
They all took off the robes and we saw their tits I Yeah, I mean, it's not it's not good. I mean I'm more like a John Mulaney way You want more like a like a Tom's to grow away. That's Tom Tom with a Tom if you're watching you can have that you can have You know, I see he's doing like a world tour now. He's doing world tours his last door I don't think he's gonna tour after this.
I think he's done. Well, which looks like that You don't want to go back. You don't want to wear anymore No, I think he really pressed it on this door and he is me playing Argentina I know I saw that online like how do you do like is there a lot of English speak or does he do it in Spanish? I think it is Argentina shows in English, but he does do stand up in Spanish He does stand up in Spanish response silence, but it does in Spanish in Spanish in Spanish has more of a flair to it It does expand to such a sexy language.
I can speak any other language. It would be Spanish really Yeah, it feels like you're starting revolution or making love, you know, like I speak a little bit of Spanish But just enough to buy drugs in Mexico I would love to like Israeli seems really like a rough language like nothing sexy about it You think you think it really sounds like makeup sex really? Yeah, there shouldn't be anything that sounds sexy There should be no sounds who is not sex well, it can be sexy if the Pull it out a little bit Then it is you don't hear a woman going I think I'm humming Or you're shopping and I'm choking on it. I'm coming all of your ass But that's not sexy that sound all the other languages are sick Russians not sexy So funny my hairdresser was Israeli my hair stories.
No, I was trying to slide this That's what I do You don't have a person that does your hair your dresser. That's a dude That's because you either want to keep you up you went with your dad got a barber or you went with your mom got a hairdresser And so I started saying hairdresser. I was always what I tell you funny. I'll tell you funny.
Sorry about hairdresser Funny my son my son Alex who is the producer of my podcast and he had hair he's have hair I guess it's a picture he had a hair though It was just we let his hair grow his hair was really long and finally my wife said you know He needs a fucking haircut you better take your son for haircut at this time He was like seven or eight and there was only one place that he would go It was like a super cots there something so I took him to the super cots They have super cuts not super hairdresser And and and they so I took him to super cots and his the person that he was comfortable sitting with was not there that He was really upset and they said he won't be back and I told my wife I'm gonna bring him home She goes no get him a fucking haircut like oh, okay So I go and there's a hairdresser in this strip mall. It was like a Spanish hairdresser like I spent it like all It was a Mexican hairdresser. I love you. I watch this only on tiktok keep going.
That's a salon Yeah, it was like a salon for ladies and and so I just I'm gonna get him a haircut So I go in and a lady's at the door and she doesn't speak any English and I don't speak any Spanish and I go Hair hair hair haircut And he's going that no no no no and I'm going just be quiet you can't say a word you don't say a word You don't say a word and he doesn't say a word. He's eight. He's got this long hair and she go okay, okay I make I mean you I make you and I go okay, so I go and I put him in the chair with him He's like seven or eight years old and I said I'll be back soon You do not say a word you do not say a word and I go and I go get a coffee or something and I leave and then I come back And it's this Mexican hair salon and I look as I walk There's a lady sitting in a chair and she has like a first lady in the first chair has like a bouffant with her hair Flipped up in a nice little haircut the second lady in a chair with a different hairdresser has a like a big Like a beehive with her hair flipped up and I get to my son and he's sitting there with a tear coming down his cheek With a font and his hair flipped up. They had no idea.
This was a little boy They gave him an old Mexican ladies hairdo and he's crying and I told him not to say it work And the thing was I just I thought it was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen cry No and it's done it's a dirt they don't know This is a boy they don't And I paid the lady and I gave her $20 tip and I should come with me and he's going no no no you got it and I brought him home I would like to fix it and my wife I walked in the door and my wife goes what the fuck did you do? I go you're gonna send me get a hair isn't it beautiful and he had his friends over he had a yet horrible Mexican ladies haircut For about two weeks That's a true story that's a true story that is fucking hilarious. Okay, but it's fucking hilarious So tell me the sandy story. What was the sandy story?
You told me there's a sandy Oh, the sandy was a ramby ramble Her cut story my hair cut story is not it's not as good But they can edit the podcast and put it first and then I go oh and now you got to hear my story So I there was a hair guy cut my hair did everyone's hair Yeah, he was really hard to get a hold of he came in once a month on a Thursday We came into the L.A. He lived in he lived in Santa Barbara and he would come in and do hair once a month And he's really hard to get so you kind of had to like time it out you get a call hey His name I'll say his name's I'll say his name's Tom Why don't you want to call him out because it's a good it's a good story because it's a weird story I hope if he hears a story. He's cool with the story. So I really hope so so he says to me He didn't call it his name he goes he was really hard to get a hold of so he comes in on Thursdays And I get a call now Leanne It just dumped me because because we got into an argument and two her friends didn't like me to the way her phone They were teaming up on me.
So I was in a bad spot her friends were teaming up on you. That sounds like a positive You'll hear you'll hear okay. You'll hear so She I'm in a bad spot. I'm crying.
I can't I'm watching fight club on repeat I'm just in a bad spot and I get a call from the place and they go hey Tom is gonna be in town Thursday you want to get a haircut and I said no I'm good and so they're like okay I'm sorry to hang out. How much is a haircut from this guy $80? So Thursday comes around and it's Tom and he calls my house and he goes hey I'm here come get a haircut He goes I know you do come get a haircut and I was like hey man I can't and he goes why I said I'm going through something just something's going on and I said I got dumped by chick I'm having a hard time getting over to go. Tell you what?
The thing you need is a haircut. There's nothing better than a good haircut. It'll make you feel like a million dollars Why don't you come down? We'll talk we'll figure out what's going on with you in this chick and I love this guy So I go all right, you know what so I drive down I get there and he is sitting by a pool table drinking a beer Now he was a recovering heroin addict so I go hey, what do you do with the beer?
And he goes you want one I said no I said well, I don't know maybe it's part of the story goes Why don't we have a beer and talk about it? I think we're covering heroin addict and he goes dude heroin was my problem not beer I got a cold beer with a friend and talk about what's going on so I if you're an addict that's so I said okay So we crack a beer and I go Her friends think I have a drinking problem he goes how many I said what he was this is my expertise how many he was I've been Recovery forever how many friends are how many friends how many friends think you ever drink problem? I said to you just fuck them Friends, I said really he goes let me tell you something if one person tells you have a tail fuck them they're crazy If two people tell you have a tail they're teaming up on you, but if three people tell you have a tail turn around I go for Only goes yeah, he goes I'm gonna smoke a joint was like huh? He's like I'm smoking joint.
I go what do you mean? He said go to the bathroom smokey joint. I said I'm so sorry I don't mean to hammer this but I thought you were you know covering it was yeah for heroin smoking weed wasn't my problem drinking beer wasn't my problem Doing heroin was my problem. Are you gonna smoke a joint?
I go no no smoke a joint so we go in the bathroom. We smoke a joint and go do you love this girl? I said yeah, and he goes get her back fight to get her back do everything your power to get her back You don't want to lose the good ones. I said yeah, yeah, okay So we go out we go get a haircut and grabs another couple beers and he takes a straight razor with one hand as he drinks a beer And he cuts my hair with a straight razor and his thumb it hurts so fucking bad And it's funny And it's funny just going like this and just cutting it and I'm watching and he's barely paying attention to these eyes like And he cuts bangs that look like simple Jack from Tropic Thunder and they stand he cuts and they stick up and he leaves a lot of hair on the back So bad I look so bad and he goes hey man.
I hope you get that girl and now it's visibly wasted He's like I hope you get that girl back and I was like He's a great guy. I love that guy. I tried to get a haircut from him again, and he went back to rehab And I think you I think you're now beer and weed was it? Oh, he got it like that's a happy ending Yeah, I mean that's a better story than my son.
Oh, no. No. No, I think it is crying. There's something so real when you fuck up Someone's hair.
I've done it. I remember what Caesar haircuts were in do you remember that Caesar hair? Everyone Caesar hair yeah during the Roman ages. I saw Caesar had it You have a little short bangs you put some leaves you put a little stick or a twig with you know I didn't know Caesar was a real person.
You thought it was a salad. No, I thought it was a play by Shakespeare wait, you didn't know I didn't know it's based on a real dude like me. I'm not a real dude Okay, yeah, then Caesar is not a real dude who puck from a mid-summer night stream right and so I didn't know Shakespeare We were in Italy with the girls and they said this is where Caesar was killed. No one hold on Wait, you were already like a grown person with children I was 49 and I was like Caesar's a real person and I just watched out around ago Oh, it's gonna be a good one and I was like yeah And then I was said to me dad explain and the lady goes yeah Caesar's a real person and I was like I thought he was just a play and a haircut and said I said women's alive and she said he was Alive before Jesus I said there's stuff before Jesus and she goes oh and I'll go wait for it She was dad tell her all the stuff you think was before Jesus and I just went dinosaurs Ladies like and I was just go baby walrus doesn't read a whole bunch.
They call me baby walrus and so I didn't know there was and with the Bible. I swear to God I swear to God I thought the reason that it was so willy-nilly was that that they wrote it on stones and it's hard to Right in the stone you're not gonna get super in description right you're gonna be like right he split the sea That's it. It's like right details are tough when you're carving the stone Because didn't Moses bring out the 10 commandments on tablets yeah, so then why were they writing stuff on stones if they could at the time also Right stuff on paper, you know what you're making more sense than the actual real history. Maybe you're right I mean like it seems crazy weird if people found out that you were right there was like three dinosaurs that died from their Farts from because they say that's what happened flatulence of the of the dinosaurs same as cows Yeah, but they but dinosaurs are much bigger their flatulence was the warming of the planet How do you think a dinosaur fart would be I mean that's like a sandstorm.
Oh, it's more. Oh, it's more Oh, it depends what time so you're talking about but the the dinosaurs farted they died and then Jesus showed up That's the that's the way I think that's the history that's your history and and see and then there was a salad and some guy goes That's my salad Caesar haircuts. That was my point. Yeah, do you remember the Caesar haircut?
Who are you pointing at the Caesar? Well, that's the secret. It was like really popular in like 2000 2000 I was already I think I was already shaved so I wasn't aware and the truth of the matter is in my world None of my haircuts in my whole history of my life. We never had a name I didn't know names the haircut hold on so what would you say when you went to get plup?
How we mandel haircuts? What would you say when you go to get your haircut just can I get haircut and then what would they do? Give me a haircut No, you wouldn't say like I want to tie it on the sides and I would do that I would do like yeah Or that I don't know what that one that he's pointing at is it's just like it was like my head was like a giant armpit It was just that that's just an armpit. It's just like blue hair.
Yeah, yeah, I had it really there It's see I look like that guy from stranger things. Look at me. I was a little girl. I look like a little fucking girl There I am that's me.
Don't I look like a girl? So that's a haircut. I said can I get a haircut? So they made it look like a haircut everybody thought I was a girl I've always given notes on a haircut like I've always said like what I want done.
I never did I mean I learned later on it was a Mullet I didn't even say believe me. I've never gone in and said can I have a mullet a mullet wasn't something you asked for when Mullets were really in before the O'Vaughn brought him back. He did bring him back. He did bring him back But I never I never I never mentioned hair has never been a big deal for me What was the day you decided to shave it off the day?
I decided to shave it off was I talked about it in my act a little bit Well, I got a part in a movie where I was gonna be a bad guy and I was trying to I was shaving I was shaving and I was trying to even my sideburns And I and I this one was up a little higher than this and then this one was up a little higher than this and this was up a little Higher than this and then this was and then I thought okay I'll look like a bad guy because it'll be like here It'll be here and then I couldn't get that even and then it was like kind of a weird mohawk And then that wasn't even and then I just went I played for a little while like you got hair art on my head And then I a little and then I shaved it and then I thought okay It'll grow back and then I thought oh fuck this is clean This feels clean Yeah, like the first thing that feels dirty when you think you need to showers your hair right it feels like kind of greasy and dirty And then I thought this feels clean and because of my OCD and my germaphobia I said this is kind of cool and then I went and I showed my wife what I done and she went what the fuck did you do when I thought that's a Good response. Yeah, that's the first time she's responded to it like a haircut or and then I kept it I kept it I get a movie what was in the movie? What movie was it richest here to some of the guys that I work with remember that movie that I did with what yeah Who was in it? It was Gary Marshall Sun directed it Scott Marshall directed it and I don't know that even came out spin cycle It's called spin cycle look up spin cycle.
See if it even came out spin cycle was the name of the movie I remember Sarah chalk was in it and Spin cycle movie is it out anywhere? We're about to see this is that it? Spin cycle movie. I mean shomer in it.
No, no, no 2000 so was he said 2000 what I said already shave so that's when I shaved there it is how we man They'll Sarah chalk. I'm in that movie. I'm the bad guy. I checked that's I shaved my head for that movie Wow I haven't seen the movie.
I do. I know I don't really go watch myself I won't I won't go ahead. Oh, no, I love it watching me watching me. Oh, I thought you love you like watching you too Yeah, I love watching me.
I watch critical of yourself. It's so funny the things I see I the whole things will alert me that I go But I watched my movie the machine and I was so distracting in it because I was crying the entire time that they asked me Next time to sit in the back of the room because of my From affecting everyone else's notes because no one to give notes. They're like he fucking loved it I was crying the second I saw the opening scene. I started bawling crying and you can hear me the bar And that was a note session yeah, and you're just going it's awesome.
It's not good No critical notes you're nothing you didn't want to know I was like don't change a thing It's like it's like a love song to me the day and they were like no changing a lot of it I can't watch myself. I can't I don't like the way I sound. I don't like the way I look I don't like anything about me. I'm not a huge fan of mine.
I go to just about every show I do but I'm not I can't I can't I don't like me I'm better when I'm edited like I love like I don't remember what we say on these podcasts I don't know what I say on any podcast. So sometimes I know you want to tell the same story again I haven't told the story for nine years. It's one stage. I think sometimes when I watch a clip I go Oh shit.
I said that like I was really that's way to go Burke and think about many repercussions on that statement But that's what makes you charming and that's what makes it work And that's why people love you and you know no you know you know that's why you are playing to the audiences You're playing to the sizes. That's why people love you. Don't go changing anything I'm just I just sit and cringe I think I'm more that's more normal for people to listen to the sound of their voice and not like their voice Yeah, and and or not or be edit themselves, but sometimes you'll I probably would edit what other people like so I I will That's accurate. Well, I was not comfortable with my body in a couple scenes or the way a shirt fit That's what I noticed.
You didn't like the way a shirt fit. You don't even like a shirt Yeah, I know I don't know because they they blouse out on me and you can see I you can see that I'm I look worse and close sometimes I do shirtless I feel like and feel like that's loud blouse blouse blouse is that word my thing? No, no, is that a word? Yeah blouse blouse.
I thought it's what you wear like I mean look at me in this blouse Yeah, I'm gonna get a man's blouse. Yeah, I don't think there is such a thing as a man's blouse, right? Is there a such a thing as a man's blouse? I'm a female blouse.
There's a female in the room By the way, this is great merch right here. How we man blouses man blouses. You should sell men blouses a man blouse Would be something for a guy with a belly where it blouses out men's blouses. Did you look up blouses?
Men's blouse. That's a blouse. We get the definition of blouse. I wonder what a blouse actually is.
It's a sure thing. You're going really hard on the S You're going. Yeah, blouse. I think it's a blouse blouse.
It's not a blouse blouse That's a louse with a being on it I'm a man's blouse a woman's loose upper garment resembling a shirt typically with a collar is a blouse But a man's blouse what is a man? I blouse I bloused my trousers over my boots. It's a word. It is where you blouse it I didn't I never said that I never said we need a blouse.
I'd like to blouse my pants I'm not I'm gonna tuck my usually I tuck my slacks into my boots But tonight I'm going to blouse them out and see if the ramifications are worthwhile I'm gonna blouse my jacket over my watch Wow I never thought I'd be on this pod that this would be the podcast where we'd be talking about blasting It'll be great if we could come out with man blouses and make a new merch line I would love you should do that. Yeah, too bare two bears one blouse two bears one blouse That's that's that's sure people people showing up at your shows with blouses on and they just it looks cool with two bears on it Two bears and then it's just blouse It's better than my merch my merch just said stuff But you have a blouse you have a man blouse how much much do you have what's good? How we got it? What's your website?
How we got stuff? How we got stuff? Yeah, what's your merch? What's your much look like it's just starting?
I'm just what how we man del calm. I didn't even know where to get it I don't have any blouses. What let's see what it looks like. I don't I don't even know I'm wearing some new merch New merch click here brand new merch.
I got brand new merch. What is the brand new merch? Let's see what the brand new merches It's just a black blank stuff a lot of things with stuff that the first one go back to the first one That's that is this covid related is do you know what that is no? So I I did a Post on tiktok that got me in trouble was a prolapsed anus.
Do you know what a prolapse? This is Rachel just brought this up. She just brought she goes Did anyone see how we post on the prolapse anus? I definitely know what a prolapse anus is why you say that was such pride?
No, I know I just follow a lot of porn stars. I've heard there struggles. Wait. Is that a struggle?
Yeah, I did you know what H3 is the podcast H3 H3. Yeah, yeah, so it's so he you can climb Yeah, he he celebrated it and he had a guy on that does a prolapse anus trick for He's got a he's got a like a website where he does it for porn he can actually prolapse his anus. He blows I know this guy. I think I met this guy.
I think he was backstage at my show in Vegas backstage Yeah backstage, but he can inflate and and protract his anus and then suck it back in it's like balloon animals for adults It's like an elephant nose like he can put a pencil and then elephant nose is anus out grab it and suck it back up Yeah, I think you can't so I don't know if that's I'm a judge Italian So pull up the prolapse anus picture. Can I see it? No? Oh my god?
Are you serious? We can edit it out But I got in trouble for it. I got how we mandel prolapse anus. That's not what you want to be known for on the internet No, but enough that I do have so I didn't know is a prolapse anus.
I didn't know what I was looking at hold on So you just you tweeted it and you're like there it is the first one so I posted this and it's a video actually and I was I had looked at that. I was I had looked at that. Oh, I didn't think I don't think I know what a product I don't think I know what a product say this is I didn't know what it was. I thought somebody taped something to the back of themselves I thought it was like I So so I posted it and I just said this is my friend Neil and I asked if this is COVID related It's not my friend I just found a picture and I said that and I said is this COVID related I didn't know what it was yeah, and then my son called me hours later and said dad what did you post?
I don't know is a funny I saw a funny picture with wet meat on the back of pants and It's not funny. It's not funny, and he said take it down and I said why he goes you're trending worldwide I had like a hundred million clicks worldwide on Twitter fucking great moment Oh, how fucking hilarious is that you don't want to know the tad moment with the haircut or sandy or no It's not as good as your son getting a Mexican woman's haircut. Okay, it's not as funny as that But how funny so how much fun to be an internet passerby and someone just goes why is how he meant? That's exactly what was happening.
Oh, the moments are you talking about it? Look, I'm soaked it. I just get so you just got so it's not it's not it's not up You just glisten you just glisten. I'm really sweating because it was right.
I didn't mean to do it Yeah, it was a accident and I just thought I was doing something funny, and it was just a random picture I am sweating like soaked. That's so funny. You just broke into a sweat because Sponsors I'm on I'm on network TV and sponsors. Oh, and they didn't they hold on did people get upset for real?
Mm-hmm. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my god? Hold on what world do we live in that we really think that you're actually tweeting a pro-lapse anis going like hey guys Because I say you have a family audience and you're I didn't know some guys asshole coming out of his body Look at me.
It's like I'm gonna pass out. Oh, I didn't know Why is that funny? I'm just going like I lost sponsor Yeah, shut the fuck up hundreds of thousands of dollars I lost oh my god I guess it's going away again, but the thing is Honesty this is honesty shut the fuck up. Oh, this is this is look at me somebody.
Do you see this? Yeah? I'm really I was about to pass out. I didn't know what this is really hurt me.
This really like it didn't really But how we hang on okay, can I tell you this is from my side of the fence I go it's no offense You've got but no, but like Because what happens is something like that is people take sides right they go that's that's inappropriate And then you are standing in the middle going. I don't know what I did like is a bad and then and then the internet fucking laughs hysterically because they go he really didn't know he did that it's a genuine genuine mistake a genuine mistake and then to To post that guys ask who came out I learned later that he was a weight lifter and I think if you push too much He lifted so much. Oh, yeah, he has yeah his ass came out of the back not only out of his body. Yeah, it ripped through his pants That's a lot of pressure like if your ass is gonna drop out It's just it didn't it didn't just come out it it like it escaped your ass escapes from wherever you was and there's a lot of Witness I thought it was just like a putty cake.
I didn't know what it was But I didn't know what it was and my son goes dad, please just take that down I go okay, so I took it down This is a night like one in the morning in the morning I got a call from my agent because what did you do? I don't know what did I do? And they go you posted a prolapse anus. I just let it stop right there.
What is that? What is a prolapse anus? I know the word anus. I don't I even know the word prolapse prolapse is this from and hang on Just so I can get the whole story this started with Ethan Klein.
No, okay, so Ethan Klein Thought it was so funny that I posted this because he was even Ethan is Ethan is Ethan is I love Ethan He's the heartbeat of the internet like he knows he knows internet he knows internet before it knows itself and he and he loves the internet I'm not even for a very long time So he because this had like a hundred million clicks I guess this was part of his thing and and not only did so he and it's kind of like He every guest that he had on he would show this picture and have them comment on it. Oh my god So is this COVID related look I'll even show you like today like I can go on my tiktok right now When did you post this they'll tell me July 9th 2022 they tell me every day they no matter what I post I can post a silly person dancing which I get today Hang on a silly person dancing and We won't forget Howard Look at that. We still remember Howard But this is the beauty of today that's today That's like everybody and then they post the thing and then they go and they make fun of everything I do and they go Is this COVID related so I made t-shirts is this COVID related? That's my that's my merch okay?
Can I ask a weird sidebar question is a sidebar question? Yeah, because my wife is texting to tell her I'm in the middle of it It's really important okay, so like but what's interesting to me about it is like It's not it doesn't hurt anybody right doesn't hurt anybody apparently does whether you're asked no No, but like but like is it okay, I would assume from the outside looking in that you have a ton you're using the wrong I know I know I know from from from three thousand feet up I feel like you you have money right I do so like a couple hundred thousand dollars for an epic internet moment is so like But more than that I thought like I it's not even a money the thought that I that I I'm really old school that I did something that was so offensive that I and they were making comments like children are seeing this initial damage Children, I don't even understand like I would have showed that picture to my kids and thought look at this guy That's puppets out of the backside like I didn't I didn't know that it was a bad thing I didn't know this is the beauty of the year. This is like why is that beautiful? I don't know because it's it's the thing that makes the internet Funny, I don't know the right way to say it but like but like even though like hey We'll never forget Howard is it's you gave the internet a joke you gave the internet I gave the gift to people where they get to laugh together and share in the comments and giggle to each other really And by the way, as someone who's been there a lot and I've been there a lot.
Yeah, I haven't so it really hurt Oh, then you need to stay away from Tom's to girl because that's all he does he goes after Garth Brooks every Garth Brooks did a promo video one time. I think I'm getting this right Garth Brooks had a promo video where he's like I'm going on tour Let's get weird and Tom goes he as acting like a guy goes bodies in his backyard and now for the past probably seven years five years All that if you read Garth Brooks's comments all his comments are where the bodies at Garth like anything. I Did not know that oh oh it's it's so bad that Garth Brooks. I think I'm at it at Tom Oh, I think he hates Tom.
Oh, okay I think he hates Tom, but but Garth all time and they look identical Yeah, they write is where the bodies that Garth they go to shows and they hold signs up they goes tell us where the bodies are Garth And so but here's a thing So Tom I got to argument about this on Rogan because we talked about the next day because at first I go Yeah, but you don't you don't get like Tom never Tom doesn't get any hate in his comments like right and if he does He doesn't know this because he really genuinely doesn't care But like as somebody cares like they say I fuck dogs and my comments they say that that I smell in my comments There was a period where they were calling me the most racist comic in America all my comments I just didn't care but then the racist thing bothered me and then once you care that's when it really skyrockets So Tom was explaining to you with no it no I Got the clip for this week so but but but but what Tom was saying the thing to do and I and I I find it Understand is if Garth leaned into it just a tad bit right it would be it's it's it's it's understanding the Internet It's getting the Internet getting the lean into this I would yeah lean into it I'm trying I'm trying I think I think I can't do it. I feel like I'm pro-lapse my innocent times I don't think you have I think if anybody has it's except this one guy that was on Ethan's show and then I got in trouble They said I was not respectful of him. He came on Ethan tried to trick me He goes judge this talent this guy comes on he turns around he pulls down his pants and his ass blows out like a fucking You know the loon floating over Montana. I wanted to shoot it down Oh my god, but and then and then I made some comments or something and then they go you're being disrespectful But the guy's a really nice guy not sure that's a talent.
I'm yeah Anyway, so that's a merch I'm happy to talk about it, but I'll talk about anything because I don't think I do anything malicious No, you don't have a malicious bone in your body. That's our new merch is this COVID related that shirt? I'm definitely getting one of those. I'll give you one.
I'll have to buy you don't have to go to hell I will give you one I would love that shirt. I would love that shirt especially now that you know what it's related to oh and by the way You're gonna sell a ton of shirts to these guys watching this who can't wait to jump in your comments our fans are gonna be like She literally said today have you seen how he's how he's Instagram and I said no why Instagram and stick talk I'm gonna post is I have 11 million followers on TikTok really and a pro you put up a prolapse anus. You're gonna get Yeah, yeah, yeah, and what do you do on there? I don't I didn't understand tiktok at first and then they explain to me is technically stories and they've been posting It doesn't have to be a story you could just put up a prolapse anus There's no story there end of story if that's called a happy ending that is that's that's what it is That is a home run.
I do my own tiktoks apparently Yeah, you might want to hire a team. I'm going to be my son to take it down. I do it myself. It's all me.
Yeah It's all me. I don't have a story It's it's it reeks of all you It's got you all over it Thank you My tiktok are this one of Victoria pulls stories that I post or anything I post and she throws on my tiktok and they do well People lady last night to deliver our Chinese or typhoon said I got a guy from tiktok. I so badly wanted to say I do more than that but I didn't say that I said thank you very much. She made me giggle I went thank you.
That's all I need. I said this is gonna be a great meal She was a hundred fifty six dollars. It should be you had a hundred fifty six dollars high food over order aggressively Hundred because that's a lot of typhoon. What is your favorite?
I like pad Thai. I like I got pad Thai I got drunken noodles. I got spring rolls shrimp spring rolls and you finish this I got chicken panang Chicken panang I got a yellow curry and I got a pho and is the family involved in that? Yeah, the girls look I just order for everyone.
I don't like I don't like I like I like ordering for everyone and just getting What would you like what do you I'm in order? Thai honey, what would you like? I don't say that no I just order it and then it comes and then we don't have to worry about it I do that with me. You don't have to worry about it.
They they're probably worried that you ordered It's funny. Do you know Joe list hilarious comedian? I don't know him. I know who he is.
I love Joe list Joe list is awesome and so And so Joe we went to mark nomen's bachelor party and they were like 15 dudes there and I said you only grab dinner And everyone said yeah, and I grabbed Thai food for everyone. I just ordered everything. I wrote everything I brought it in I said here's dinner and Joe goes You didn't ask me what I wanted and I said what doesn't matter it's there. Yeah, and it mattered to Joe's like A lot like me and you where he's a little more Selective of what he wants to eat He doesn't just want to go family style on whatever bird decided was dinner right and I get that yeah Yeah, and we got it was a you got a fight We had an argument Yeah, like an a heated argument because my thing was just say thank you and eat and he was like I don't want that and I said it doesn't matter what you want.
I got it. Just say thank you just say thank you and he goes I'm not gonna say thank you for something. I don't want because you got me something I don't eat you guys. I don't eat I don't eat Thai food and I said try it and he was like I'm not gonna try it at a bachelor party for the first time and he goes and so we went back and forth and then we And a lot of this parts of the story.
I don't really understand no Yeah, and so what we got to an understanding that the did we get to an understanding or Joe Joe listen I did okay, and so he just is a very persnickety eater and I And I'm not I do that for everything when I go out with my crew like when we're like tonight When we go to the we'll go to their sex with your wife. What about it? I love talk about this Nobody like a sheep or Snickety or did she just has to take whatever you get Don't do that doesn't matter. I'm giving it to you.
Yeah, you just take what I get I learned I learned at late in life to read Her body to read her body to read her body like to read her body Like to read what she wants something so she knows now to go like an hour before to write shit on her body instructions Yeah, don't touch this lower lower right there read this and do what you read no I didn't understand the whole I feel bad for everyone I had sex with before because I just was basically like I'll do that my thing like It's just uh and so like ordering Thai food like ordering Thai food and then recently and I say recently and you're gonna get the fuck Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got better. I got a lot better reading her body and and listening to her the noises she makes of it I'm sorry I'd be in the room for this Rachel, but yeah, he's your daughter No, Rachel's my one of my favorite human beings a lot right Rachel. Help me create something burning my cooking show, okay? And then so let me ask you something so that the reading her body and listening to the sound she's making is the sound ever no Yes, yes, that's the sounds that's the sound that's like licking like I'm a liquor It's unlike it anywhere.
No shit. No just over just all over her body So you're like licking in certain places like my eye don't look my eye I'm a lick of like a neck No, but I'm not like she doesn't want you to lick her eye. Especially when it's open. No, I've never done that But like she's like I feel like you like licking I love licking she was I don't I said but that's my thing She was yeah, I'm aware that I need to tell you that I don't like it because I'm just covering your saliva Right, and it's like you know spit smells and I was just all over me and I was like if I like that She's like I don't so I have to learn okay.
How about you sex. What about it? Are you like? I have a really good sex life really yes, I do I do have a really good sex life and then sometimes my wife will join me And she's learned to read like the sounds and the noises of what I like Please please I've been married for 43 years is your wife Armenian?