Tiptoes (2003)

Remember Dorf? Those 1980s VHS tapes with Tim Conway where he plays a dwarf golf instructor by standing in a hole in the ground, with tennis shoes glued where his knees are to simulate having shorter legs? This week on Alcohollywood, we're finally tackling one of those hit "cult bad movies" you kids these days seem to like so much – Tiptoes! This time around, we get to see the "Dorf effect" be given to acclaimed actor Gary Oldman, in what the schizophrenic trailer claims is "the role of a lifetime." I assume this means that, after you do it once, you have enough sense not to do it again. Either way, the film vacillates between (attempts at) a tender drama of midget relations and the complexities of starting a new family – personified by bored and confused thespians Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale – and a wacky comedy about just how funny those midgets are. Co-starring real dwarf actor Peter Dinklage as a greasy French Marxist and Patricia Arquette as a dumb-as-nails drifter, this film is as perplexing as it is misguided. Luckily, we've got our custom cocktail, some drinking rules, and frequent guest Julia, who joins us for a quiz! Take a listen: