I love that I started the not a damn chance podcast, I'm just a nasty shorting I am. Part of this idea of this podcast is how you can become successful as living as just a regular human. I went to culinary school and only went for a few months and I dropped out. Look at that kids, you can drop out of culinary school and get too much less stuff.
I do what I can do so I can come back and do it all over again. Another dance in! I am taken! You see yourself somewhere.
Take all the necessary steps to get there. I just don't know how to quit, that might be my super power. You can all try and stop, I hope you too! Consistency was exactly what life was all about.
Don't be genius here and why were there. It's a beautiful moment where obstacles become opportunities, messes become messengers. I got shot in the face. Jail was the best thing that happened to me.
And I did put my head in a noose. You heard 300 people dying. That's why you can tell me you're breaking the rules, you're doing this wrong, there's no right wrong. Don't care what it takes.
I'm doing this. We have a phrase for that. Not a dangerous thing. I'm glad people think you're like a white, you know, fixture.
People look at you like Hitler, you know, they're like, we love this guy. 100%! Guten Tag! Bert, welcome!
Big shout out to Barstool, the big cat. Do they own Hynun? I think... Is Barstool own Hynun?
Isn't Dave on it? Or no? I gotta tell you, Dave. Dave doesn't...
I wonder if people were gambling people, would you put your money on Dave Portenoy to succeed when you met him in high school? I think I'd have to know that guy. I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna say no.
Probably not. I'm gonna say no, I'm gonna say the thing about Big Cat, I'm gonna say the thing about me and you. I was gonna say, I think if I met you in high school I wouldn't be like, this is gonna work out. I don't even know if it's gonna work out now!
Well, hold on. We gotta say thank you Barstool for giving us, accommodating us and letting us do an episode here. We're both... We're fucking idiots, dude.
I'm gonna say we've done this yesterday morning. Not today. Yeah, why didn't we? I don't know.
We've done. God. We did a... I'm still hungover.
We did a bar takeover. And we got Fun Tom. This is a beauty about owning a vodka company with Tom. It's Fun Tom shows up every time we do a bar takeover.
Every fucking time. Every fucking time Tom ends up on stage. I mean, I just want to tell you how beautiful the women of Chicago are. We walked into the old crow smoke house last night.
In Regleyville, yes. In Regleyville. And a woman behind the bar, in front of the bar handed me a remote control and said, press the button and I went, okay. And I pressed it and she went, I said, what?
She goes, I have a vibrator in my vagina. That turns it on and I went, let me get my friend real quick. You just handed it to me and you go press it. And I did the same.
I was like, what? You go press it. You're gonna say it. Ladies.
Ladies. That's the move. I'm telling you right now. You want to own a man's inner dialogue for the rest of the night?
That is the move. If you are a party fun girl, you do that. And you go to a bar. You're a college.
You find a guy. Give him the remote and say, I'll see you in like 10 minutes. And that guy will do nothing but think about you. I woke up thinking about her.
I woke up. I'm pretty sure her boyfriend was with her. Yeah, she had a boyfriend. And he was just like, cool, right?
Like he was one of those guys. Fuck yeah. Yeah. He might be into watching or something.
It was. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about her. Yeah.
I know. She owns real estate in my head. No, because when we left there, you were like, dude, can you believe it was. I was thinking it's a real, it's a real, it's a real power.
If I can move, right? To be like, hey, she's basically saying your hand is inside my panties right now. You know what I mean? Like she's like, you're touching me right now.
It's basically what she's doing. All I can think about this morning is how do I convince Leanne? I was gonna say, you got to get one. No, because I think we've been with each other too long.
I just do it right as a guy goes, can I get you to drink? I hit it. I'm gonna take a, oh, no. Cold beer.
Cold beer. Dude, I wish I had this for guys. Like, if they do. They do.
Yeah. No, not in your ass. I mean, if you're dick. For real?
Yeah. And you can get further remote. I'd be like, just turn it on. No, no, no.
Don't touch it. She'd be like, wow, that was so sexy. I'm so glad I got you that. Sitting here watching you just not aggressively is so fucking arousing.
That was the worst thing I've ever seen. Because you did, you acted that so well. I feel like I just pressed the button and you did it. Oh my God.
Are those linen pants? Yeah, I'm switching the linen. It's good for summer. It's good for summer.
My asshole sweats. And so I have an ass, sweat stain in my asshole. So like, if I sit down for too long, you just see like a wet mark? Dude, it's real sexy.
That is, I've shit so aggressively today. Oh, I'm shit. Oh my God. I have nothing but just violent puree coming out of me.
It is so gnarly. And I've had like four already. It's absolutely the most of it. And by the way, this place is massive.
Yeah. And really impressive here at Chicago Barstool. I think there's three bathrooms, so there's 80 guys. It's the craziest thing.
I walked into three bathrooms and guys were like, I'm shit. And I'm like, I have to shit. And they're like, go to the other one. Like, okay.
This, I mean, let's talk for a second about Barstool Chicago. This is competitive with Rogan setup, in my opinion. I don't argue. The facility?
This is better than Rogan setup. Well, it's a totally, I mean, very different. Rogan's one guy. So it's his thumbprint.
It's just him. It's just him. But like this is like, I mean, high school bird is like going, what can I quit? My job and just work for you guys for free.
Oh my God. I know. I would be, I'm blown away. They have a basketball court.
They have a golf simulator. They have a gym. They have everything. By the way, it's like something about the chicks that work here.
They're all pretty and cute. And they got little sister energy. And they're like, what's up? Hey, you want to high noon?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I fucking love this place. I feel like I fucked my life up. My studio is like, it looks like we sell knitting supplies out of it.
There's so many fucking women. There's so many. Why do I have so many fucking women working for? I can't get some more dudes in there.
I fucking can't hold on to dudes. Really? Yeah. And those dudes quick.
I think it's a den of snakes. Those women. Yeah. They're just all fucking little fucking.
Just. Like women, they're mean girls. They're like, and so when they decide they're going to do something, they do something. I got to fucking have a coup d'etat.
Do it. I'm going to start sexually harassing them. I would pick it from that. Whatever you plan on, you should stream it live.
I would love to watch. By the way, I ate shit. And it's got, someone's got to have the video. It's got to have video.
You, you took like a epic spill on the stage last night. So, and by the way, it's what woke me. I set my alarm. I didn't need my alarm today.
Really? Because my knee fucking woke me up. So we're on stage. We're pretty lit.
I mean, I had an edible. I don't know how many shots. I don't know how many drinks. And we're saying good night, basically.
Thank you for coming out. We're on a stage. And there's a DJ set up there. But the floor is black.
His table is black. It's not. He was black. He may have been black.
I might have affected it too. But the thing is, dude, he had like a two foot subwoofer on the ground that like you just don't see. So I walked over this way and just completely ate. You felt like you.
I felt like you. I thought you blew out your knee. Well, I was joking about it. And then this morning I was like, oh, what if I really did it?
Because like it hurts to put it up. Like that. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, it kind of sucks. I got some cool bruises too. You got bruises on you? Yeah.
Fuck it. It ain't hard, man. It was hard. And I was, I joked with you.
I was like, oh, wait. I'm just kidding. But I go with me. You probably believe it.
And you're like, yeah. And then this morning I was like, fuck. I'm so mad if I did. And then I got back to my room and I fucking smoked DMT.
I hit the DMT. What is it with you and DMT these days? It's the best fucking vape pen I've ever had in my life. I was so severe.
Dude, I was fully hallucinating last night. Like out of my mind. Wait, how did you get a DMT vape pen? Just cool guy.
Wait, how does, I want the breakdown of this? I've been giving a few. You've been smoking DMT more than I think you're supposed to smoke DMT. Doing DMT is like anal sex.
You're supposed to do it once a year. Yeah, until you find out it's the only way you come. And then you go, I'm going to do it all the time. Yeah.
I kind of want to do DMT. You know what, here's the thing. You go on a, first of all, like you can't lift your head up. You know, like you're kind of paralyzed.
And then, and I like it. I feel like just give up. And then you go on these crazy, like crazy visual shit happening, right? You're seeing shapes and colors and all this shit.
And then like a door opens and you go into some life path realization and you're like completely lost in it. You're in an alternate reality and you know, maybe you're resolving something or maybe one of your fears is coming up or maybe you're just like processing something. And then all of a sudden you're like, it's over and you're like, oh, how much time would I buy it? That's it?
Yeah, sometimes. Then you hit it again. Let's do it again. Yeah, it's pretty great.
It's crazy. It's like me and you do drugs and alcohol for different reasons. Yeah. Like it's so fun to watch you get fucked up.
You make a decision. Yeah. Yeah. Like I never make a decision.
The decision just shows up. Right. It's like lunch for you. I'm like with civil rights in Europe.
Like yeah, they're black people just let them do whatever they want. In Europe? Yeah, in Europe, right? And then you're more like the United States where you're like, all right, now they can use our water problems.
Right. Right. Like you're, but like you made the decision to get fucked up last night. You're like, you said something.
All right. That's it. It's over something. Oh, well, yeah, because whenever I go to any of these things, I feel like the, you know, you have like this balance.
Like are we just at this thing and you have a drink and then you go, I don't know that balance by part of it. So for me, I'll be like, it's just a drink and then we're leaving here. You know, it's like one is fine. But then like the atmosphere there was so fun.
Everybody was so nice and like, it felt like we were actually at a celebration, like somebody's birthday party or something. And the music and you know, our crews together just like hanging out. So after I had like a couple, I was like, oh, this is like right now I'm standing online. Like you either are going forward or you're, you're, you stopped.
No, sounds like, all right. We're in. Let's go. You're so funny.
Tim Dylan. And then I drank by the way about a gallon and a half of water. Have better sex with Bluetooth. Bluetooth is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex and starting now, Bluetooth is offering a combo so strong it might knock your socks off and your neighbor socks off and you might have to actually purchase new socks.
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The fucking bartender last night comes up to me and she goes, Water bomb. I said, what? She was water bomb. It's our trick.
Kill it. She's kept handing me like a full glass, just like a little glass of water. And we kept killing water and I was like, no use. That's how we stayed hydrated.
What was I going to say before that? God damn it. No, but you we drank a ton of vodka. We were doing we were had our heads back on the bar and they were pouring shots in our mouth.
I'm so jealous right now. Of you. I found my girl last night. Who?
So I got to share this and I said this last night. So every night girls when we do this girls put their heads back and we pour shots in the mouth. I am astounded at how great a dentistry is in America. Dentistry?
Yeah, like it's I'm just amazed at how many sets of perfect teeth I look at. Perfect teeth. Now I have a thing I have fucked up mouth. I hit the mouth the best one when I was a kid.
I have like 26 fake teeth like posts and then summer or bonded summer crowns. My molars or shit like I have a real fucked up mouth. I often think the day I die I'll go well thank God I didn't have to get done to work. And so.
That's a really cool outlook. One of the craziest things I have is I have these bumps at the bottom of my mouth. They're like I can show them to you but they're kind of crazy. And I know I have them but I kind of I don't hide them.
I've never seen anyone have them. Oh, under your tongue. Under my tongue. I'll show you.
And my mouth is fucking sucks. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah, so what are those? Okay, so I've never known.
I've never known. They showed up in college when I first noticed them. I had like a bump. I was like I played with it.
I was like what the fuck is that? I was dipping at the time. I was like fuck it's cancer. And then another one showed up.
I was like I damn it's really cancer. And now I have four. And I've never and I've and I'm and my sister. Wait, she has them?
My sister. My sister has them. My sister. Cottie has them.
Yeah, and I've gone to Dennis and I've asked them about them. I'm gonna go to that some people have them. That's it. I'm sure it's a condition or whatever.
But Dennis have never said anything. They don't affect anything. They don't affect anything. But I have these bumps.
Well, I have always looked when we poor shots and girls mouths for someone that has my bumps. Like I've always looked for it. Last night. Girl fucking I think it's a girl with a vibrator.
She puts her mouth back and I see my bumps. And I go I get to say mouth you know she immediately knew what I was talking about. And we started talking her boyfriend jumped in. He's like he says my girlfriend like no no no no no no.
Like you know what I'm talking about. I showed her and she went I've never seen that. I was like damn being you. We're like fucking like what if that's the way.
That's the way we're the highlanders or the outliers. It's so crazy. I've never seen anyone that had them. And I'm like God damn it.
Did she share anything about them or is it? No, it's too loud. I wanted to talk to her about them and go like they're just benign. They're just fucking pumps.
Do you know? Have you seen these? They're really crazy. Yeah, it's crazy.
I had no idea. That's what you meant. That's really crazy. I'm so jealous that you get to net.
Oh I'm gonna fucking I'm tying one on. Are you? Yeah, I'm done. I had a really great I had a really great run of not drinking.
Hello. Eight days. General plane for Hawaii. I have two drinks for takeoff.
Fly. Sober. Land. No booze.
At the hotel. No cocktail. Sleep. Wake up.
Feel amazing workout. Amazing. Comedy is the reason I will be alive is because it's comedy. Two shows for Hawaii.
Two nights in Hawaii. I'll let it go, just shows. I understand. And it's so bad.
I can't even tell you. Everyone who I think you would come in out. I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry.
I have nothing. I have no tennis. I have no ten bold story I'm working on. I have usually when I build an hour there's I usually have something really great when I'm building it.
Something really great that I can go. At least I got that. And then I got two things I'm working on and I go at They'll know that that was what I was working on. I don't know.
I got one story that I got a couple stories that are okay, but like, when did you especially come out, March? Yeah, and I made a mistake. I took 11 months off and I should have never done that. No, I think you did the right thing.
I think I'm so far removed from standup that like, it really is the first time in my life where I'm taking a minute to get the rust off. That's fine though. That's good. And the people in Hawaii were awesome.
I opened with a fucking, I opened with a James Cook. Woman of a widy joke. And that land, not well. What's the angle?
I wish I was James Cook. No, I said, you know one of my favorite stories about James Cook and everyone's like, huge fans of the time. I was like, this isn't going to go over well. I was like, no, I mean, it is a funny story.
They pull up the Hawaii, right? And James Cook's like, James Cook's like, this is ASMR. James Cook's like, to the guys on his boat. He's like, all right, listen, I'll have a record, okay?
So no one, I'm not letting you guys on this fucking island. And they're like, but we need fruit. And he's like, okay, fruit more than that. I'm gonna send two you fucking people.
I have one rule. Don't fuck the women. And they go, okay, rules. Bring back fruit.
Don't fuck the women. Two rules, that's it. Two you go. You understand me, two rules.
Like, yeah, boss, we got it. It's a great sense of a boat. They come back in the boat and he's like, how are they going? And they're like, well, you're not gonna be happy.
Like what? We fucked a couple of women. So now they have syphilis. We might as well just go fuck them.
That's what I opened with in Hawaii. And they were like, yeah, we know. I was like fucking shit. And you're like, and you're like, that's one of my favorite stories.
I just think it's so funny that like, I just thought, when I heard that story, I thought it made me giggle. They didn't like it. And then by the end of the week, you know, it's like you get the rust off your side. I opened my first show Thursday with that.
And then by the end of the week, I was like, fuck James Cook. And I was like, do you know what I know, crazy thing about James Cook? He couldn't swim. Seriously?
He couldn't swim. He's out navigating the world. Not even the world. And apparently that was like a tactic to keep your sailors.
Like you didn't want sailors who could swim. You want to sail with your couldn't swim? And they really gave a fuck about no one abandoned the boat. Right.
And so he tried to take someone hostage and then they chased him on the water bludgeon and death. And he couldn't get to the boat. He couldn't swim to the boat. That's how you died?
Yeah. But that was and then I started getting I don't know if it's pandering, but there's an island called Nihal, do you know that island? It's privately owned by a white dude. And he has not let anyone on that island.
There's like 80 indigenous people, like real Hawaiians. They sound different. They talk different. And they live on that island.
It's the furthest island west in Hawaii. And it's just they bought it for 10 fucking grand back in the day when you could. Well, I know they're not big fans of Zuck. He owns a lot of land.
Zuckerberg, Steve Case. They all own it. Larry Ellison. Larry Ellison owns that guy.
Lanai. Yeah. He owns 98% of Lanai. Yeah.
And by the way, looks like a villain. I mean, honestly, looks like you know when Schultz does this thing with his mustache? It looks like that guy. Well, that's what they're called Iron Man kind of facial hair.
It's all based on it. Do you think Shulk knows that he's doing the villain thing when he rolls his mustache like that? I don't know. It's probably it's like I always wanted to ask him.
Because it is a it is the it is the villain thinking move. Yeah. And he does it so much. I think it's probably unconscious.
It's like anyway, you know what I'm saying. Like just it's like hold your thoughts. Yeah. Yeah.
That's good. Maybe I'll start doing that. You should start doing that. That would be perfect.
We have a question. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you're opener there.
That reminds me of the hardest I ever bombed in Hawaii. No, because I was there for one of those. Oh, yeah, that's right. Tom's a girl.
This is a game from James Cook Rules. OK. We have two rules, guys. Number one, do not mention Pearl Harbor.
Number two, do not make fun of the Hawaiians. Tom, those days I got bad news. He was opening joke. They said, island life is slow.
I didn't know they were talking about your metabolism. Well, you guys are fat. I was like, I got lost. I walked around Pearl Harbor today.
Lucky I ran into a couple Japanese folks. They really know this. This is basically the back of their hand. And then I said, I know that Mahalo has a bunch of different meanings.
Is one of them extra cheese? You guys are so fat. Yeah, that was fun. God, man.
And then they also were like, and don't curse. And we were all like, OK. And then we all just cursed anyway. It's so crazy.
We're teaching these guys to kill. Yeah. Ultimately, we got to know that they were like, yo, I think the rule was, and correct me if I'm wrong, I am quoting, they were taught if it's brown and it moves, kill it. That was one of the things we heard.
Yeah. But don't curse in front of me. It was brown and it moves. Russell Peters came on late.
Yeah. He was a closing act. Yeah. We're like, you're brown and Tom leans over to me.
He goes, Russell Peters is closing this out. And they are taught if it's brown and it moves, kill it. And Russell Peters is walking way too much on stage. That was so fun.
Well, the funny thing is you make a good point, because it's also such a charade, right? Like, don't say anything not nice. You're like, for what? The Adam Earl's wife is here.
You're like, so what? There's fucking 8,000 people out here. Like, we got to do a show for her. And then everybody, and then our organizer was like, you guys just fucking ruined my life.
The guy that booked us was like, thank you. Are we talking about Charlie? Well, yeah. Oh my god.
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The beauty of having, I'm bummed I didn't make more friends long ago. You know? I left all my Tampa friends when I moved to New York. When I moved to New York, I have a bunch of New York friends that I started comedy with.
But we never really kept in touch the way. You're probably my closest friend that I've been in touch with that hasn't drugged me. You know, Joe, I've known Joe long enough where I can't, but I've known you longer than I've known Joe. The funny thing, the great thing about life is when you're experiencing something and you giggle about something that happened a long time ago and it makes you smile and you go, God, memories.
It's cool thing about having kids. We were at this, we were in Justin Y, obviously, and we were stayed at the Four Seasons, which used to be the, a whole lot. I don't remember. It used to be a Marriott property.
The Tom and I, that's where Atlanta and Christina met. And that's where Tom and I did these shows. Whenever you did the Pro Harbor, you stayed there. It's really nice.
It's amazing. It's got little lagoons that are man-made and they made them in 1977 before the government would be like, yo, you can't do that. Like all the coolest parts of America, the government got in the way of. All of Coral Gables, where it's just these beautiful canals and everything, that was just what dudes were going like, you get dynamite.
Let's just make whatever. This guy, the guy that owned all that property, he still owns a piece of that property, he owned all the west side and they were like, you never gonna, or the leeward side of white. They were like, you're never gonna, no one's ever gonna build here because it doesn't rain here. It's dry, it's bullshit.
You know, there's no waves. It's the leeward side. He was like, eh, I'll see. He's like, I bet they like it.
There were lagoons. Yeah. And they're like, what are you gonna do with that? And he goes, get some dynamite.
And he was just dynamite at four lagoons. And then on the fourth one, they were like, yo, you gotta stop. He's just blowing up terrain. And he's just making these amazing, they're gorgeous.
They're so- Can I tell you about when my dad was a kid? He told me the story, like, just like something that can only happen at a different time. You have to do a show about your dad. I know, I know.
You have to do a show about your dad. Just that, I mean, I meant to interrupt. Yeah. But no, just that, my favorite, my, out of bad thoughts.
My favorite episode, my favorite thing is the fucking talent show. But Sarah has got a new special. She talks about her dad a lot. Yeah.
And there's, man, there's something, especially when you've lost that parent, the reminiscing about that parent. That's Sarah's special. It's so good. I wanna see it.
But I love hearing stories like that. I love it because it's like, I don't know, it's like, keep going. He was a kid. And this is in, I think it was in Louisville.
And I guess this would have been like, probably the late 50s, right? Like, there's an army post. And he's a kid. Him and a couple guys, like walk onto the base and they steal dynamite.
And then they blow up a bridge. So they set off dynamite and blow up a bridge. And then a police officer picks them up and is like, you can't be doing that. And then called my dad's dad.
So my grandfather told him and my dad was told by his dad, like, you should not do things like that. Like that was like that type of scolding. And then he was like, I'm sorry, father. And then I was like, is that all your dad told you?
He was like, yeah, you fucking blew up a bridge with dynamite. I missed those days. Yeah, dude. His dad was, was that was law enforcement too.
So he got like, you know, for real? Well, my dad, my grandfather was FBI agent. So he was just like, oh, we met, we met FBI. We met the guy the rest of Jesse Smollett.
That's right. Yeah. I don't know if we should. I don't care.
I don't care. He gives us a scar. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, I asked him.
I go, because he had me in the badge, you know? I was like, okay, how cool of a flex is pulling this out? He's like, I don't know. What's your favorite memory of somebody being like, hey, fuckhead.
And then you go like this. And they're like, oh, I'm sorry. And I think he said it was at a show. Like it was something with entertainment.
You know, like he was like, I'm going here and some, some people were like, you can't go there. And he just pulled it out and they're like, I'm sorry. And they just move out of the way. So, so, Leanne's, Leanne's not, she's not a city slicker.
No shit. Leanne's what they call a rube, right? Like if you take her to the big city, she's going to lose majority of her savings in a shell game. Yeah.
So like, you, and that, that's, that's the country in her, but it shows up on the internet. So like Leanne is the person on the internet that goes, how, how do you see this? And it shows you and it's clearly it's a, it's like a stage video. Yeah.
And one of the most staged videos I've seen is a cop pulls over a black woman. And he's just fucking, like, I'm just registering him. He's being a dick, right? And the black woman clearly is like, just going like, okay, okay.
And it says, cop pulls over federal judge. Have you seen this? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And then she goes, get out of the car. And then she's wearing her judges gown. I saw it. I saw it.
I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it.
I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it.