What AuDHD Masking Feels Like in My Body

There's a certain tension that comes up. A wall. An invisible force field around my body, my brain, my mind, that I can't move past no matter how much I want to.That's what masking actually feels like for me, not as a concept, but as a physical sensation. In this episode I break down what masking actually is, where it started for me, and what it took to finally start recognizing it happening in real time.Drawing on Dr. Megan Anna Neff's work in the Autistic Burnout Workbook, I walk through the different forms masking takes, scripting, mimicking, assimilation, camouflage, code-switching, excessive helpfulness, and how each one shows up for me specifically. I get into where this started as a kid, why I built a different persona for every room I walked into, and how switching between those personas has come to feel like regenerating into a new person every time, the way the Doctor does in Doctor Who.Then I get into the part I most wanted to talk about, what masking actually feels like in my body. The tension. The wall. What I can only describe as shields going up. And why recognizing that sensation, even before I could name it, changed how I handle it.I also talk through what an actual unmasking plan looks like for me, why I can only fully unmask alone, and why recovery isn't about getting back to who you were before, it's about getting somewhere healthier than that ever was.Wondering how to manage you needs at work as a late-diagnosed AuDhd, ADHD or Autistic adult? Check out my Drains and Sparks Workplace Workbook.A video version of this episode, with chapters, is also up on YouTube if you'd rather watch. I'm starting a series on Substack going deeper into unmasking, link in the show notes if you want to follow along.I offer workplace talks and coaching for organizations and professionals navigating autism, ADHD, and AuDHD at work, especially for managers and HR teams. Reach out through my website if that's something you need.