Traumatic Loss Support Program

Hello and welcome to the Gifted Life Podcast where we have conversations about organ tissue and ideonation and transplantation. You can always find us at thegiftedlife.org. I'm Roy Steele. I'm Joey Boudreau.

I'm Sarah Blakemore. Coming up today on The Gifted Life. We'll be talking about how we, Loba, have explored outside of the industry to help better support our families. And we're going to talk about if you're in an argument with your partner how to be curious and not defensive to reach a common goal.

All that more right here at The Gifted Life, let's get to it. Here on The Gifted Life Podcast we are excited to welcome back Loba's Family Services Coordinator, Libby Harrison. Hey Miss Libby. Hi.

How are you guys doing? I appreciate it. Libby, for those of you who don't know, was my first introduction to Loba, a donor mom who just wanted to talk about her son and wanted to talk about his legacy. And so long time ago I just felt the goodness of Loba.

And Libby has been doing that for families for how long, Libby? 20 years. We're talking about 21. Yeah, providing support for our donor families.

And you're such a joy. We had a donor family who's 30 years out and it made me cry when she said it and she said that I hope that I can be a comfort to other families as much as Libby has been to me. And that was on our last podcast and I just thought, wow, and that just shows Libby what you do for our families and that we're always looking to provide as much support, the best support that we can. And that's why we have you here today.

So your thoughts on Loba's Family Services Program at this point and in the extension that we've added. Our Family Services Program started about 19 years ago. It became a program with specific contacts with the family, trying to reach out to them at different times. And over the years we've expanded on it and we've tried to perfect it.

Of course there's no such thing as perfection. So my coworker Nyla, God bless her, had this light bulb moment and pursued a curiosity of how to better support our families that are having a specific grief journey, whatever that grief journey may be and helped us put together a program that provides us in the family aftercare, the tools we need to support those families, whatever their particular grief journey may be, whether it's a traumatic death, a core accident, if it's a spouse or a child or if it's a death by suicide, we can give better specific grief resources to these families now. We also added a few more contacts, scheduled contacts with the families. And our program is officially about 15, 16 months long, but the families, we want them to know and be aware and rest assured that we're here as long as they need us in whatever manner we may be able to help them.

So the name of the, that we've given to this new aftercare program that we put in place in April of 2020 is the traumatic loss support program. And thanks to Mr. Frank and Mr. Ray and Nyla and all their hard work in their tables and discussions and probably many sleepless nights, it seems to be a very productive, a very successful program to this point.

And we have a lot of positive feedback from our families as we go through this year or so. I think the two major changes in our aftercare program are the specific resources that we try to provide to the families. And then also we have more support resources for our families that are survivors of suicide. And that was a piece that truly was lacking.

And now we do have resources for them and they're more comfortable talking about that loss, which is a loss of its own, no matter the relationship. The other piece that we focus on more than we did in the previous years is the self-care. People in grief tend to not really focus on their health or their self-care. They're focusing on their grief, their loss, their misery, the sadness.

And we try to remind them that there are things that can do to take better care of themselves. And by doing so, it should help them in their grief journey. I don't know if that makes sense or not. But if y'all want to call that self-care, the four-legged stool, I don't know if y'all want to talk about that or if you have questions about that.

Yes, we definitely do. So I think just to give a little bit of context and explain to our listeners the process of how we work with our donor families. So initially we work with them in the hospital when we're approaching for donation, when we're supporting them while their loved one has died. And then what happens next is our aftercare department, which is Nyla, Libby and Margot, follow up with you and we continue that support not only during your loss in the hospital, but through this program and through the support that you give them with their one-on-one phone calls and everything.

Does that make sense? I feel like we needed to kind of... And there are specific protocols for lack of a better word that we do follow. Within a week, they get a condolence card and our beautiful medallion.

Within 10 to 20 days, they get a phone call from Nyla or I, and then Margot will after our phone call. In that phone call, we try to find out does their loved one have a nickname? Did they go by their first name? And the reason we do that is because of the engraved leaves for the tissue donors and the engraved medallions for the organ donors.

We want that name engraved that they referred to their loved one. So we have that phone call and then they get the letter and all of that. They get a support card at three months and along with that card is what is the difference between grief and trauma. So they can try to make sure that they're grieving and not having some type of physical or traumatic effects from that grief.

Like they shouldn't be blaming themselves and withdrawing from others and they should be trying to get enough sleep and those types of things. So this card just kind of makes them, it gives them something to watch for themselves. And that's at three months. And then at four months, we call them, make sure they got the card and talk about that.

We talk about the four legged stool and the self-care. We encourage them to do something. I was actually talking to a donor family the other day and we just do something that brought you joy prior to your son's death. And she said, there's nothing.

I don't have anything. There's nothing I like to do. We visit for a minute. She's what you know, I really do like to read.

I did. I really did like to read about her getting a fiction book and reading something that might distract her. I also kind of like working in my flower beds when it was pretty weather. So everybody has something that they enjoy doing, but they may not really realize, oh, I enjoy doing this until they focus on it.

So you make your mind of that. Right. And tell us what the four legged stool is. It is, there's the four legs.

Obviously, if you only have three, it's going to be a little wobbly. So you need to make sure that you're reaching out to those that you feel you're supported by, people that you used to have fun with, or maybe somebody you just can talk to, make sure you have your support system and make sure that every day, just like we talked about earlier before we started, you have a to do list, whether it's your to do list for the next year or the next day or the next week, try to knock one thing off of that list. Don't try to do the whole list. And then you have a feeling of accomplishment.

The other thing is the physical health. Are you sleeping enough? Are you eating enough? You know, and I know in some instances it's hard for people to sleep and they're not hungry, but you have to sleep and eat enough to stay healthy.

And if they have anything that's truly bothering them physically, they need to, we encourage them to talk to their doctor. Just don't hesitate to talk to your doctor and say, I'm struggling here. I don't know what to do. There may be a simple answer.

And some people find a lot of comfort in doing something that gives their life meaning, but also at the same time honors their loved one, whatever that might be. And if you could take care of those four things as daily as possible, then you're going to get through that grief journey and you're going to get to the point where it's softer and it's not as intense and you can find joy and you can find laughter. It's very hard to believe that sometimes it four months into this journey. But you know, we talked to them two years later and yes, you're right.

We got there. We just want to hold their hand through this. We want them to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that they matter to us and whatever their needs or questions may be that we're here anytime. And that is seven days a week.

We are available. And I work with our volunteers and I just filled with pride when donor families step forward to volunteer when they're ready. And they talk about the comfort that our family services folks have provided. When they mentioned Libby, you share your story with them and they said there's no judgment.

She listens. She's a comfort and really you really become part of the family. It sounds like in a lot of cases because you do spend that time and you listen. Well, I think that's the most important part is listening and sometimes that's the most difficult part, especially if there is a moment where they're very emotional.

Your instinct is to jump in and try to fix it and feel that. But sometimes there's moments of silence or very healing. They're very comforting just to know that they can just sit on the phone. We'll just breathe and they can cry.

That's what they want to do. That's what you do. It has to go where our families want it to go. And we want everybody to know that.

If you just want to talk, all over, ask for Nyla, ask for Libby. We're here. Well, and the same note, when I'm working with the Amazon Hospital and when I tell them about our family services department will be there for you. That's, I mean it.

And I know that you are going to provide such care for them and empathy. And it's really amazing what you and Nyla do for our families. Thank you. We have a whole lot of support from a whole lot of people and a lot of encouragement.

And we appreciate you guys for supporting us so well. And Libby, you touched on when you were describing the Forteigat Stu and a couple of other parts. It's things that we, you and I have talked about in the past a number of times as far as family support goes. It's so, it takes me back to earlier and in conversations that we had had about your personal grief journey.

And about, you know, about, you know, you had to tell yourself just a breathe and how just the most basic of concepts were challenging. And to be able, for you guys to be able to put a program together is that, you know, I know, these are, again, these are basic things that you're kind of highlighting for the families. But to have them do that, focus on those things, to know how much more supported their journey is, you know, and I'll go back even to yours, obviously, and not speaking for you. But I know, obviously, you and I have had thousands of conversations, you know, but to know, you know, that families have you guys and have, you know, programs like, you know, the TSLP that add, you know, so much to their journey, add some kind of structure and help throughout all of that.

And that is such a, you know, a great thing. It's such a positive, you know, step forward for kind of an evolution of the, you know, family services, you know, and family support program that we've gotten. And you and Nila are such, you know, such a big kudos to you guys for advancing it, you know, and of course, Sally Gentry, can't talk about our family support program without mentioning Sally, you know, who was the founder of our program, you know, that 19 years ago, you know, but the evolution of it, you know, and just the building blocks that you guys are able to provide is, you know, from someone who's always watching what you guys are doing. But you know, just kind of in awe of the support, especially when we do have events where you do have families that can, you know, share their story.

And it's in so often it goes back to you guys in our family support program and what you've you know, added to their grief journey. Well, I certainly feel blessed to be in this role. Yes, we call our families and we reach out to them and we send things to them and all of this and trying to support them. But at the same time, it's very rewarding to us as well when we represent LOPA as a whole and they're so appreciative of all that LOPA does, I can't tell you the number, well, almost every phone call I'm on, they talk about how nice everybody with LOPA is from the person who talks to them about the donation, got consent and did the medical social history to the coordinators, to our nurses that are there, and they're just so incredibly thankful for all that you guys do.

So it's all of us. I mean, we truly are all in aftercare. We are because they all set them up knowing that it's not over when they leave the hospital, that they are still part of LOPA's family and will be as long as they choose to be. Yeah.

And you know, one of my favorite aspects of our TLSP program is the part that you mentioned, which is the education and the information we give families about trauma and about suicide. Because we give them information and we support them through that and we also give them resources. We know what trauma is. We know the signs of trauma and suicide and what we want is to not only support them through their grief journey but to give them resources if they themselves are experiencing trauma symptoms, if they're thinking about suicide themselves.

We want to make sure that they have what they need to reach out to the right people. And we will even, there is a website where you can go and you can fill out an online support request and then this huge volunteer program will then, and it's for suicide survivors. And they try to find the volunteer that has a similar loss, whether it's a teenage son or a 50 year old husband. They try to match that so that that person has someone who is traveling a very similar grief process.

And that's been greatly appreciated and I think it's been very successful is we've gotten a lot of positive feedback and sometimes they have me fill it out for them while we're on the phone without having to. So that's something we didn't have in the past and that's one of my favorite things. Yeah. Well, you're making them feel less alone, less isolated by bridging that gap to where people who've had similar experiences.

Well, you know, I think it's that way in life in general. Even when you have a newborn baby, you want to spend time with other couples who have newborn babies, right, Joey? He's a great and real big lip. So you find comfort in similar and I think that's what this program focuses on is finding that similar support piece for that family that then they can truly connect and not feel alone.

Because grief can be so incredibly lonely and isolating if you don't let yourself have support. We have to encourage them to seek the support. And I love seeing our connections across the state once they get to the volunteer stage where they want to join us out in the community and then we see kind of mentorship relationships forming based on what they learn from their time with someone like Sarah at the hospital and then someone like Libby during those weeks and months following. And then what they want to teach others in the classroom or church or something like that.

So to me, it's just magic watching this happen across the state. Watching them become part of the LOPA family and they truly feel like they're part of our family and that's how we want them all to feel is that we are all there for them. And then I love somebody asked a question like where can I find how to reach out to Marcy be like how I write a letter and they said if you go to LOPA.org there's a site on the family services. They'll tell you.

And so I was like yeah. Yes. That's right. So for all of you if you're searching for that or want to reach out to our family services program at LOPA.org there's a tab for family services there with resources that we keep adding as we find new as we do this podcast we like to share with you and we learn from others and then we try to do those best practices here in our state.

So Libby what does the future look like for you? What do you want to continue to push out there? I want to continue with this for now. I mean we're in its infancy and we're still we will you know tweak it here and there.

So I don't need major changes right now. Just starting 2021 Lori come on. We need to make sure that we've got this program running smoothly as possible and like I said it's a 15, 16 month program. We do we have tweaked another piece of it.

We used to talk about our volunteer program and things like that earlier in the year and we have now scheduled a call at 50 weeks. We're calling them just a couple of weeks before that milestone date of death and let them know that we're thinking about them and that conversation is usually a lengthy one because that anticipation of that date has them anxious and a little emotional. So we talk about things that they can do to honor their loved one as the hero that they are. So we talk about the hero section on our website and and I let them know if they submit their loved ones photo and short story then they're going to be highlighted at the end of one of our podcast in the future and they love that they love it.

And I think at 50 weeks even though it's anticipating that milestone date of death they're they're hearing about our volunteer program and they're hearing about that Loca is here for as long as you want us to be here. And that's been a really I think that was a good adjustment changing that conversation to further closer to the earmark. And just to let everyone know in a previous podcast we did talk to a donor family that's 30 years out from the date of death and they are very active and they just want folks to learn about their daughter's legacy. There's things that Libby's talking about and to me, it's a donation like we're still talking about this hero 30 years later what a testament to donation what a testament to the love this family has and that we can help them with this outlet to tell more people.

And I just love that. Yeah, you know it's like to put it in kind of, excuse me, simple terms. When someone dies it's devastating and you feel like there's a period that's the end it's over. But you know what my son Justin was born there was a comma he learned a crawl it was a comma he started school he died and there was still a comma because of Lopa.

He saved five lives, comma he gave sight to two people, comma. I mean he gave me a mission, comma. There's no period. I think it just I think by being the donor family being the family of one of our heroes the legacy of your loved one is so profound that you find strength from that.

Beautiful. Libby thanks for sharing. Thanks for doing what you do. I don't think Libby takes a holiday or she doesn't have a ball.

No, she's on always and we appreciate you. Thank you. No, but I will call you when you're on PTO and get to work. I will answer.

I like teamwork. Thank you. Thank you all very much. You'll have a wonderful rest of the day.

Thank you, ma'am. During the gift of life podcast, we always take a moment for mental health. Yes, Sarah. I am very curious to know what we're going to be talking about today.

Well, funny you should mention it, Joey, because we're going to be talking about staying curious. Um, see what you did there, Joe. All right. Just getting corn urine as a dad.

Sorry. Okay. So I just wanted to maybe have a conversation, give some hints about how to be a better partner when you're in an argument. Well, let me get my paper.

Okay. Not just a partner, but just with anyone, really in general, who you're talking to. So the main thing is to forget about being right or winning the conversation. This one's hard for me.

I have to say, I want to like her number one. I want to record this and paint my wife in a little bit. Yes. My boyfriend's going to listen to me like, oh, Sarah, are you listening to yourself?

So being a passive aggressive is not a good thing. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Got it. Yes. Well, I can't help myself. I'm a little bit competitive.

Um, which turns into escalation, which turns into people being defensive and getting their feelings heard. Um, so instead of that, instead of leading with being defensive and trying to win, uh, lead with curiosity, try to fully understand what the person's saying. And you know, we talk a lot about the difference between like affirmations and violations. You don't have to agree, but I guarantee, and this is the one time I'm going to say that.

I guarantee if you try to make the person feel heard, if you try to ask a question that's going to lead to a further understanding and then you repeat it back to them, the argument will slowly dissolve. I guarantee. I'm just, I'm just wondering if my wife won't then just say, I feel like you being sarcastic. Well, let's say it's sarcastic.

I won't. I'm just kind of matter of fact. Well, if you say, you know, um, what I'm hearing is, I know you have a lot of passion for this one thing and I love that you're passionate about this. If you make them feel heard and you kind of strip away all the details of what you're arguing about, what you do is you come together for a common goal and a common purpose.

So you want to work towards a common purpose. So when you stop feeling the need to win and to push your argument and you start listening to the other person and maybe paraphrasing some of the things they're saying back to you, you'll get there. You'll get on common ground and that's really what arguments are about. I think we forget that when you're arguing, when you're having discussions, really we're all just trying to get on the common ground.

So I think that's important. And I think really, you know, when you feel yourself trying to listen to respond and not listening to hear, I think catch yourself and the more you attempt to validate your, whoever you're arguing with and to hear them out and to when you ask questions where you're trying to hear and understand that aggressiveness, that defensiveness will slowly dissipate and it'll get out of the system of the conversation. I'm hearing. What I'm hearing here is it sounds as though it's very similar and I can relate it a little bit to our previous episode 154 with Hidi Aghiara talking about cultural humility.

It's a lot of the same concepts in that it's very important to make sure the person on the other end knows that they are being heard. And you mentioned the curiosity asking those simple questions, you know, that way things don't escalate. You keep things on a simple question basis and keep things from a curiosity standpoint and things don't elevate emotionally in a negative direction where they didn't need to. Listen, I'm going to need a huff and puff and slam my doors and then revisit this after a time out for him.

But I need to breathe through it because at the time, like I'm just right. Yes. I mean, like, yes. And so I need to take a breather.

Yeah. And this is, you know, that's such a good point because you do need a breather sometimes. And you know, that whole concept of agree to disagree. That might be hard for some people.

I'm looking in at myself because I want everyone to agree with me. But really you don't have to agree on everything. But as long as you're heard and if you feel heard, you don't have to. You don't feel that need to be right.

You just feel heard. And in 2021, I'm just trying to be a better person. I'm not any specific guidelines. I'm just going to breathe through it.

Just breathe through it. Breathe through it and smile. Yeah. At the time out.

Yeah. I mean, you find yourself responding to get your point across. Maybe instead respond with the question to understand better. Right.

More questions. Less statements. Right. Be curious.

I like that. Maybe you have a topic you'd like Sarah to cover info at the gifted life. Dot org. Today's question and answer segment.

This one is for you guys. Do you have any tips for dealing with grief? Very good question. I would say my first tip would be don't deal with it.

Go through it. Don't try to suppress those feelings of grief because they're very natural and you can't circumvent grief. You have to go through it and just let yourself feel. Don't try to, you know, like suppress it.

Push it down. Let yourself feel that pain. And I guess my second thing is to know that you're not alone and there's going to be a time when you do feel very alone. It's going to be a lot of grief is feeling alone.

Reach out. Find that support system that you have. There's tons online that you can look for for grief support groups because grief is truly just supported. And if you don't search out that support, then you will be alone and that's the last thing we want for you.

Yeah, true. Lopa.org is a good resource under our Family Services tab. It's grief support resources. So you can look there for more information.

Maybe you have a question you'd like us to cover 5046483477. In every episode of the gifted life podcast, we honor a hero. Today's hero, Chase Romero. We learn about Chase from his family.

My son Chase died in a tragic accident in June of 2018 doing what he loved to do. For again, he fell out of the back of his truck and hit his head. But he will always be remembered as my hero. He gave life to two people and sight to two.

Today I wish to honor him for all he did. We love you. And now we pause and say thank you to Chase for the gift of life. And that is episode 155 of the gifted life.

Thank you for listening. And if you're not registered as an organ, I am Tissue donor. You can do it now. You can do it anytime.

Register me.org. And thank you also to Libby Harrison for coming on and sharing the traumatic law support program. And of course, not only for that, but for helping her and her and I love both to advance the family support program that we've got from something that was infancy that Sally took on and grew and then they've only taken it and grown it further. Lovely friends.

I was just thinking about Nyla. She's like a little butterfly that just spreads joy wherever she goes, right? And lucky to work in the same office as she does. But they really care, just so passionate about our donor families and our program and making it the best that it can be, which is amazing.

Thanks for listening to this podcast, guys. You can find us anytime to gift it life.org. Tell your friends. And you can listen to any of our episodes on the gift it life.org or wherever you like to listen to your podcast, whether it's Apple, Google, Spotify or iHeartRadio.

If you do listen on Google, please leave us a five star rating and subscribe so that others can find the podcast. On social, Facebook, we're the Get to Life podcast, Twitter, Instagram at GiftedLifePod. Thanks for listening. We hope that you go out and do something you would normally do to help us make life happen.

We're a team. We'll talk to you next time. This is a production of Loba, our Louisiana Organ Procurement Agency. The Get to Life is hosted by Lori Steele, Joey Boudreau and Sarah Blakemore.

Our executive producer is Kirsten Heins, producer Isha Long Caraway. Intern is Rebecca Rannam and we are recorded, engineered and mixed in our Covington, Louisiana studio by Troy Perez.