Hello hello, welcome to Aussie, my name is Daisy, I'm your host, if you're listening to this for the first time, welcome to show, if you're listening back, welcome back. I've been away for a long time and I've just not been present enough to do recordings on this platform and I am back and I feel like I'm getting better. I just had a lot of stuff to figure out and this was not the place to go back, so I did not come here. And I just always want to come here with intention and be present as opposed to just, it's not just a recording for me.
I've said this before, this space was also very therapeutic for me as well as for other people and the conversations that happened here and the things that I was talking about here also help other people, I guess in hindsight. So yeah, I don't take this space just for ranting or speaking about stuff. You get the point, if you listen to this for the first time, just give us a little cuddle. Go back to previous episodes and you'll get a vibe of what's happening here.
Or listen to this one as well and see whether you want to listen or not. Yeah, so I'll just get into it. So one of the reasons I'm actually not really content is because I was just not present within my own body for a long time. I feel like my spiritual and emotional and physical bodies were all not in the same place.
I don't know if that makes sense. I'm trying to find a way to make it make sense, but I was just not myself for a very long time and I was trying to figure that out, what's happening. And I've been doing a lot. I did my first show not too long ago with the Imagine Y Dismeasable and that was great.
I picked up a few projects that I'm going to talk about later in the moment that I'm going to come out. And I feel like I really immerse myself in that and I slagged a little bit on other aspects of my life and my individuality that I fell short. This episode though is, this is going to be a tribute to someone that I loved daily who passed away a while ago. It took me a long time to find peace with that.
Not a very long time. It just took me a while to find peace and let this person go. And this person was my G. My grandfather.
My G is a forgotten father. He was home. He was a homie. It's not a sad episode.
It's really more like a, hey, here's what I got to do with my grandpa or who he was really. To me and how awesome he was. So as I'm just honoring him as well. For those of you who don't know, I can't think of leave in Melbourne, Australia and my family is in Kenya.
So is my grandfather. And wow, we had conversations with my grandfather on the phone. And with time it became difficult because you couldn't hear me on the phone. So we didn't talk as much.
And the last time I spoke to him was last year. My grandfather passed away two weeks ago now. And that was really hard for me when I found out because I had made so many plans. Like you guys don't understand, for when I went back home, which I was planning to go back to.
But I got this. Two days before I found out, I was actually looking at flights to go back home because I felt very detached for myself. And I was just doing things, but it didn't really feel good for me. I was trying to feel space.
And I was straight into the friends saying on the Friday, my grandfather passed away on Saturday. But on the Friday, I think it became very clear that I was just very separated from my whole being. And I really tried to feel it in time. I've been wanting to get this.
I was trying to feel sorry. I had a lot of things in that day. But it just felt empty very much. And then on Saturday, it was just a funny day.
I went through the day, but it just felt funny. Sunday, same thing. And I was really trying to figure out what was happening. I had a friends party on Saturday.
I went for the party. And on my train, it was really far away. So it was like an hour train ride. On my way back home on the train, I felt so lifeless.
If someone came and punched me, I'd just be like, okay, bro, this school. I'm sorry. I couldn't. There was these people who were really annoying on the train, but it was just kind of like, oh my god, they're annoying.
But yeah, whatever. I didn't even care as much. I guess that's the right way to use. But I didn't feel like I was in my body, to be honest.
I felt like I was just a vessel within, which is essentially what we are. Like, spiritual beings, but I've just been a person. But it was just very apparent to me that I was not okay. And I came back home.
I think I got back home at like 30 or something. I went to the shower and then I started cleaning. Which was really weird because it was now one o'clock. And then my house made way.
And she came back like 115. I wasn't expecting it until the next day. And she was like, she came in and she was wondering why I'm cleaning at 115. And I couldn't figure it out.
I'm like honestly, I don't know. I just started cleaning and I stayed cleaning. It was just really off as well. And even as I was doing it, I was questioning it the whole time.
Anyway, I had to work the next morning too. And I needed to get up really early. So I think I got to a point where I was like, okay, just go to bed. What do you reckon Sunday?
I came back home? Same thing. It felt very funny. So Monday I spent the day at home and I was working from home.
And then my mom called me that evening and told me what happened. And as soon as she said it, I decided crying. And she was on my side and she was like, it's okay, you cry. I'm just going to call you later.
But everything, like when she was talking, I was not even answering. I was just nodding. Like, yes or no. Or whatever responses it would be.
But in that moment, one of my biggest fears happened, which was my grandfather was just passed away when I was away. A lot of times when I prayed, I used to pray that that wouldn't happen. I'd be back home before that would happen. Because you see, the thing is when you're leaving away from home, life moves on.
And it's annoying that you miss some things. Like, your little cousins grow up. You know, everything is just happening and you're missing it. And I had plans to do things to do with my grandfather that only, I think I would enjoy things like stuff.
And some things he was the only person to like help me with those things or tell me certain things. Because he's probably the only person who knew that stuff. Yeah, so it felt, I said this through with my friend. It felt to me like the universe was laughing at me because you knew I asked for these things.
And you were like, we know, Brian, sorry. Not sorry. You know. I cried a lot.
I cried a lot. It was very, I felt like I lost a friend who, my grandfather was a friend to me. And I was just thinking of the things that I lost for a while. And then I started thinking of the things that I had and the moments that we shared and all the things that we did.
Just to put things into perspective, the last time I saw my grandfather was three years ago before I moved to Melbourne. So it was really difficult for me to, because I thought of just a lot of things that I wasn't able to do with him because of the circumstances that came with that. But my mum was here in April and I bought my grandfather this painting. And I knew he would love the painting because he loved art.
Like everything that was, that evolved to create TV. He loved. My grandfather was a teacher. But I don't know, there was this first nation in interest.
He always had a bar. And I knew he'd appreciate that, that art work, that painting. And he would decipher it. He's one of those people who'd be like, hmm, biggest dots.
Why do you think it's dots? They use blue. You get the point. So I knew he loved it.
And so I bought it for him. And he did love it. I got photos and, you know, he, he said a lot of good stuff about it. And they put it up in the house.
Look good. And that was probably the last photo that I saw of him. Yeah, it was receiving that gift. And we did, again, we didn't talk much because he couldn't hear me on the phone.
So it was a bit difficult. But when we had conversations, when I went to visit a couple of times, I was there, it was just great. Like he, he always treated me like an equal, even though he was older. And even when I was a kid, he didn't treat me like a baby or a kid.
It was just that equality, equality. But he treated me like an equal, which I found really interesting because I love that. Because everybody else looked at me as a kid and I'm like, no, I'm not a kid. But of course I am.
And that's why he was school. And he was always interested in stuff that I did. Quite honestly, I think he's one of my biggest fans because he had no idea what an audio engineer does. But when I decided to do it, he like full-on to research mode.
He was interested to know all about it. When I started playing the guitar, he would ask me to play for him, even if I was so bad at it. When I started, he went up, we had a music festival, like around the area where my grandparents leave. One of the years, so the last night I went to spend the night there.
And he just asked me all about music and stuff that quite honestly I didn't think he was interested in. But because I had an interest in it, he picked up on it. And that was really dope. And yeah, so I wrote a tribute for him that I thought was pretty cool.
And I'm just going to read it. Because it's my way to also grieve. I thought it was the other thing. You don't know how to grieve until it's not grieve.
And that's actually how I started this research. What? Did I just say research? What?
How I started this tribute? I don't know why. Anyway, so we used to call my grandfather, Dandy, which is like, oh my god. It's like my people's, my dad's people's.
That's how they say that. I don't want to say daddy because it's been so sexualized. But yeah, the long version of that would be how you call your dad. Daddy, hey daddy.
But in a local way. I don't know if that means sense. But anyway, so when I say daddy, I just mean my grandfather. Cool.
So this was actually for the free and roll. So I'm going to read it as if he was being read over there as well. I recently learned that you don't know how to grieve until it's time to grieve. You can all agree with me that it was always your guess.
I actually don't think I ever saw him in a farm loo. This could energy for whatever he went. See, I hate hospital visits because I never know what to say. When you were admitted a couple of years back, I was amazed at how you managed to keep the same positive energy despite discomfort and pain.
It was just as if we were hanging out in the house in Mary. That they show me my first daisy and valid flower I can remember. My name is Daisy. My sister's name is Violet.
They were both planted on the farbed on the side of the house. I also know that you're one of my biggest supporters because when I spent the night doing music festivals in 2013, we spoke about music, playing guitar and I wanted to pursue your future. Occasionally you asked me my views about the news. I appreciate that you looked at me as an equal, not as a child, but also not the adults I was not.
I came to visit before I moved to Australia and you were really excited for me. We stayed in touch with the phone until age got up with you and you couldn't hear me clearly anymore. That was fine because we were still connected spiritually and I got photos and too soon to visit. I revisit the photo of you, my mate and department receiving that painting I got specifically, knowing you without you.
This wouldn't be a tribute if I did not mention my excitement and amusement when I received your friend request in Facebook about a month ago. I feel honored to have been one of your five friends. It seems pretty exclusive to me. I made plans of what we would do together when I came back to make up for a lot of time.
I would ask you about your childhood, for area you grew up in, your cultural practices, what independence they felt like and how it inspired the challenges life with your way. You were still the same that you showed me that day to flower. So I agree that I was not there when you left. I agree that we would march in the plans that I made.
I do not get to see you again. But I also celebrate that you have a greater purpose to serve elsewhere. I celebrate the moments that we shared. I celebrate the lessons we taught me but just being you.
I celebrate the love you and my wife for each other and subsequently for your children, your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren. I celebrate the legacy you left behind and we continue to carry it forward. I celebrate that you now announce the study to many generations. I celebrate that I got to know you as a friend and as my grandfather and I celebrate your wife.
Forever in my heart, Daisy. So that tribute was just one page. And I can't even summarize those moments or what it feels like to have shared a space with my grandfather in this podcast and I'm not gonna. But he was such a G.
And the reason I decided to do this is, like I said, you don't know how to grieve until it's time to grieve. And everybody does it differently. And until it happens, it's when you figure out how to do it. And I'm grateful that I have really great friends and family around me who are able to support me throughout this period.
And it's been a difficult time because seemingly everything else just started not falling apart. So many other challenges came after this happened to me and the whole week was just really overwhelming because it was not the time for me to go through that. Like I said, but ideally it was. It was meant to happen the way it did for a reason.
And someone said to me, you're really strong. And I've always found issue with that word because it feels like other people project onto me what their meaning of strength is. And so I always found some type of way when people say it. And I heard it so many times during this grieving time for me.
But one person said to me, you're strong because you've acknowledged the situation that you're in and you've dealt with it the best you could. And that really really really sat well with me. And so for anybody who's grieving, I guess now I can understand what it's like. Do your way.
If grieving for you is like blocking yourself off from, I don't know, the internet, do it. If grieving means spending time in certain people, do it. Find your own way. And again, you don't know how to do it until you have to do it.
So you can plan all you want about how you're going to handle stuff. But when the time comes to grieve, ho, it's out the window. But the beautiful thing about grieving is you get to realize and reflect on a lot of things that sometimes we take for granted. And we also get to realize that our bodies are vessels.
My friends said this to me. And when somebody is dead, when you're riding that body, it's an empty body. That soul has left that body and it's gone somewhere else. So they're not dead.
The vessel that they're in is dead. And that spirit is still alive somewhere else. And so think about that when maybe for the people that you've lost or people that you know who have moved on to another place, they're not really dead. They're still there.
They're still around us. Like I said, the ancestors, they're looking out for us. So yeah, we're just vessels. And I guess also the screaming period just made me have conversations with my friends differently and made some of my friendships even stronger.
Some of my relationships with people have changed in a better way because I've been able to see aspects of them that I didn't know I hadn't seen before. And also within myself, I think spiritually I have had to have some conversations with myself and I've had to do a lot of reflection within and realize that I was not at peace. But this whole process has allowed me to find my peace with losing my grandfather in this world, but also gaining an ancestor and gaining a friend in the next world. So maybe we'll meet, maybe I don't know what's going to happen afterwards, but I'm just really grateful that I've found my peace with it.
And I think that's what's important is eventually after grieving is when you, the thing is it's not like you don't think about it, you do. It's just how you think about it that changes. And that's great for me. Honestly, the most exciting thing for me is I know my grandfather is going to be an ancestor.
Like that doesn't make me so excited because he was just a G. Like I said, but I can only imagine like telling my grandchildren, I mean my children, if I have children about who he was. And then just knowing that they have someone looking over them who was incredible and amazing and a warmodel. And in house some people are like, oh my daddy was my black panther, my grandfather, he was a black bad person.
So anyway, that's what I wanted to share with you guys. We have a thing about it. Yes, yeah, some of the stuff I'm advising you like. But that's what I'm also currently working on new stuff and amazing stuff.
So if you check out, follow me on the socials. I'm back on social media. I'm using the digital and the digital is the same. And you can just follow up with stuff that I'm working on.
I'm not the best at social media, but I try. I put up an Instagram page for this platform as all for Lazy. And I promise you, it's going to get active if you just impatient with me. I'm just setting up ways in which it's easier for me to stay engaging as opposed to just having a space room posting stuff.
And I'm not really engaging with anybody, which would be pointless. So yeah, that's going to get active soon. And also you can listen to this podcast on Spotify, SoundCloud, Stitcher, iTunes. Yes, I got us on all the platforms.
And if you listen on podcast somewhere else, or you think we should be on another platform that I don't know about, give me up and I'll get us there. That's why we got on the Stitcher by the way, so I'm going to do that. It's just great. Yeah, so I'm going to leave you.
I'm going to love you and leave you like my friends. And have a lovely day. Have a lovely evening. And yeah, see you next time.
Thank you.