Unapologetically Black Women

You're now listening to Vices and Vultures, a podcast on cultures. I mean, it's too late to ask. The urgency of life and death. I just want to be the one actively saving someone's life.

I want to see someone's arm falling off and I want to be the one putting my arm back on. I'm into Gunshot moons, give me the crazy sights, give me the real deal. Give me the trauma, the ER, that's my thing. I'm excited to see where I started out in nursing.

We're like, thanks me. Very intense intro. Hi guys, I'm Zoe. My age is unknown.

But I'm from Harlem, the 1990s Harlem. I think I should add that. What were the questions again? Where are you from?

Like where are you from? Where are you going for nursing? Yeah, okay. So I'm highly interested in critical care.

I love anesthesia. I love my patients who date it and intubate it in unconscious. You know, that's just what I love, no conversation. I love my patients, you know, critical patients.

I love the heart, which leads me towards my future role as a cardiothoracic ICU nurse at Duke University, which I'm super excited about. I'm super excited about that actually. You're gonna do? I'm going to do what?

Which is actually ironic because I'm alumni of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. So it's Tar Hill till I die with Duke and Amy. So I have no objection there, but I just love critical care. And I love the fact that I get to administer those drugs that I really put in the vasopressators, the anesthetics and drugs you really have to monitor for.

I plan to become a certified registered nurse and as a test in a couple of years, more like two years, but I'm super excited about that. I'm super excited for my journey. I can't wait to start my career as a critical care nurse and be certified critical care. And that's pretty much it for now.

I'll do. We have Dusty Year 2. It's like my day. I love it.

Hi guys, my name's Katora. I am born in Brooklyn, New York. Hey, you say that. I'm not a resident of Western Mass, but I am a West India at heart.

My family's from Shenan, today. Let's see, for nursing wise, right now, I've always been interested in cardiac. So definitely probably starting off in the step down unit. For cardiac, this summer I'm going to take a little break, you know, drop a baby.

And I'll have to stop that. Like an album. Like a mistake. And then hopefully start my nursing career in September with employment somewhere, either face date or somewhere.

Let's see what happens. And that's about it. Yeah. This is something that I'm really fascinated about.

And I feel like Zoe and Abby both know about it a little more than I do. But so we had a class with 75 students. And I'm 70. 69 now.

It was like an election. And then you became the president. Or did you not get a vote? I did get elected.

Don't take that away from me now. Yeah, how did that happen? I just was interested. And thank you.

I'm nursing school without borders. And actually the president prior to that Lauren, she reached out to me via Facebook and was like, hey, I'm going to stop into your class and talk to you guys about this organization. So it was really cool. And she came in.

She came in. And she basically told us about the organization. And then we had elections. I had no intentions of really running for president.

It just happened, literally on the last day. I was like, why not? And I put my name in. And then I got elected.

So I was like, I was definitely happy. Who exactly voted? I voted. I don't know.

I voted. I voted. I voted. I voted.

I voted. I voted. I voted. I voted.

I voted. I voted. I just heard me on the president. If you wanted to have a position held in the organization, you just have to submit your name and say what position you wanted.

And then there was a date that everyone had to vote. I felt like in order for me to vote for you as a president, I got to know what you're capable of doing. Why did they vote for you? Was there any reason beyond it?

I voted for her because she is black. Because, OK. OK. For the total stranger to me, I voted for her 100% because she was a black female.

She was black. And I was the only member of the presentation. I don't care if you're stuck in the person. I voted for you.

All right. All right. Why do you guys feel like you should vote for someone just because they're black? Representation.

Representation hands down. It's not enough people of color in these positions. And so in order for there to be people of color in this position, minorities need to vote for people that look like us, to be in these roles, to represent us. Because if there's someone else there, then they may not hear us.

You know? That makes a lot of sense. But at the same time, there was no way for you guys to know that. Because it's part of that.

It doesn't matter. The color is white. I mean, in the instance of that perspective, yes, that whole, that's why the people vote for Barack Obama at first. It was because he was black.

Hello. Honestly, that's why he got voted for president the first term. That term was, OK, he can actually do something. So let's have him in office again.

Oh, wait, it's still now. So unfortunately, that's just the society that we live in that. We see representation we vote because of, yes, because of color because all the time we've seen it was just white, white person after white person after white person. And honestly, for our class, I feel like there was a good mixture of people, like, of ethnic bases on our board, right?

Like in our cohort, the cohort before was, we're prominently white. Yeah. Just because of your skin color. You feel like you got to prove yourself for, like, there's some things that you need to do better than somebody else.

Yeah, I feel like that is, I mean, that's how I grew up. Especially with my mom, she was a first generation immigrant coming here. You had to work 10 times harder to, like, be wasn't enough. Be was to do better.

You know what I'm saying? To get to the level where your white counterparts and see you as equal, you had to work 10 times harder. Because that time out of 10, that person could just make a phone call. They're not going to make a phone call.

They're not going to make a phone call. They're not going to make a phone call. They're not going to go into school or my son needs this or my daughter needs this, where we actually have to work for it because we don't have those connections. Yeah.

Well, interesting. I relate to that. I really didn't have to worry because I remember I was in high school and I won't say where, but the registrar tried to finesse me out of an NHS spot because apparently, like, my cumulative GPA wasn't above. I believe it was 3.5 at a time.

But if I looked at everything that went into my GPA, it clearly was. They just did something so that it didn't look like that. And it became like this big deal. I wasn't minority, obviously.

Otherwise, I don't feel like that would happen because at that point, you're just being selfish. You know what I'm saying? You're being selfish not only with your time with other people's time, because you're just playing with people. And that's not fair to anybody and especially these representation goes because that's super important.

How are you going to play with somebody else's time that they work so hard for it? You understand what I'm saying? I went to Lehman College. Most people were Africans.

Yeah, Africans. They were like the very diverse people. At no point in my life, I felt like I needed to pool myself because of my ski college just because of the people that I was around. That's an advantage of being in the city.

And that was also an advantage of being at Lehman. Exactly. But moving to Massachusetts, I definitely felt like thinking different because the first time I was in the class, you were probably just two. I was one of five.

I would have you talk about that a little bit because you grew up in Massachusetts. I'm listening to you and you guys came to my face who's listening, but I've never felt comfortable being black in Massachusetts. Like I've been here in the state, in the majority of my life and I've never felt comfortable. I've been here to say that you felt comfortable.

This is the first time you felt uncomfortable being black. That's what you're trying to say. Not really, but the first time that it was like, wow. It was like, it was noticeable.

Yeah, it was noticeable. It was like, I'm a little bit blacker here. You're in your mid-20s. You're in just my whole entire life.

Right. So that's crazy to me. I grew up in a suburban area. Like we are now.

My whole neighborhood was white. I went to all white schools. I never grew up. Like my parents' first generation came here to make it.

So I grew up in a Jamaican household, but my schooling was all white. Yeah. I never was exposed to, I guess you could say, black culture. Mine is me growing up in a Jamaican household because everything around me was white culture.

So what? I was going to say that I feel like everything in general was black culture, but that's just how I feel. What do you mean in general? Like, you know, it's your heart, by the way.

Yeah. That are inspired by black culture. It becomes about colors and about race. I feel like it's more about like, okay, there's Haitian culture, Jamaican culture, and then all those shoes together to give us what we call black culture.

Yeah, but I see the same thing that I experienced in her life, I experienced as well, but like I had a mix of both. So being from family that immigrated here from the West Indies, I grew up poor. I knew what it was poor. And to my advantage, I had a white person who was well connected that saw the potential in me and was like, okay, you're going to go to this school.

So that's how then I got introduced into the all white schools. And honestly, it's massages, it reminds me of it. It's a paradox. It's like, it's a liberal state, but boy, you can feel the racism in this state.

It's not funny. And I went to all white schools and then you're literally looking at a class picture. And there's like three black people. I was like 300.

Well, I literally stayed exactly standing by each other. And it's true. You don't even feel uncomfortable. And you're like, where do I really belong?

And it's like, are you really my friend? Because nine times I got a 10, people were my friend because they were scared of me. Like I don't have that into me personally. Fine, whatever.

But that's just what it is, you know what I'm saying? And for her, she wasn't able to experience both. But I was so it creates a conflict, even with myself, like where do I honestly like belong? You know what I'm saying?

Now? Did you feel that way? Yeah. Did you feel like you were not black enough just because of the way you grew up?

I mean, I hope I'm going to say this. I always just felt like I had to prove myself because I was black. Like I feel like I could never ask like a little black if that makes any sense. Or you don't talk black.

I can't talk black. No. So like when I was talking white sometimes because that's how I just always had to talk when I was in school. I'm finally accepting who I am now like in my 20s and I'm a long ass journey to come.

But this point to like fuck it, like I'm black. I love fucking loving black. I'm Jamaican. I love it.

But I wasn't always in that mindset. It took me a long time to answer the truth. Now Zoe, I want to hear about you. So being from Harlem, growing up in that environment and then going to North Carolina.

Honestly, I think and I'm going to say this my journey was different because I was privileged when I was there being a student athlete. So being a student athlete and being a North Carolina in the south, you know, it was very interesting. I mean, that privileged life is different. It's different.

So for those of like let me clarify, there's white, black and then athletes. You're an athlete too. It's not yet. That's superiority right there.

That's true. I never really grew up around a lot of people like that because of the even more specific culture that I grew in is already curious about how that worked in North Carolina. Right. In North Carolina.

I feel like in the South in general, like they're big with their athletes. I'm like, yeah. It's like they're like gods. So, you know, it's the University of North Carolina.

I mean, Chapel Hill. It's just the best school in America. I am so biased, but I will Chapel Hill till I die, Tar Hill, born and bred. It was very different.

You know, being that it was a major basketball school and we had like 23 different sports. Right there should tell you that the money is coming in. 23 different sports scholarships, like, you know. So being on the track team, very interesting.

So my first two years, it was a struggle to transition from high school to college in the classroom and on the track. But I got really good my junior year and so from my junior year, my senior year, like those two years were like pretty solid. Like I can't really discuss everything, but let's just say, I got out of a lot of traffic tickets and you know, things like that, you know, small things. You feel like when people look at you, regardless of their skin color, and I don't want to make this whole interview, but I just want to get some stuff out of my house.

Oh yeah, it doesn't matter about skin color. It's just like, you're athlete, you're athlete, you're athlete and you're great. Regardless of skin color, privilege. That's just how you're seeing like everyone knows you, everyone knows your name.

Good job, you know, like they say certain things to you. You get free passes to places, you get into clubs, there's no lines, like you get free drinks, it's different. You got your celebrity. You're a non-paid celebrity.

Your scholarship is, you know, you pay the pay for, you know, you get some money to live, but not much. But yeah, you still get some money. When we go to these track needs, we always stayed in, and that was the rule. We had to stay in four or five star hotels.

We always got per DM money. They pretty much breakfast was always paid for because we always did that hotel with breakfast. Lunch, we had enough per DM money that we can just buy whatever we want. Dinner was pretty much always paid for.

We always had like a pasta dinner catered, marzip, whatever. We flew to a lot of track needs where it has a lot of schools, kind of like took the bus. Not saying that we didn't drive, but for the most part, we flew to me. We had to wear Nike attire every track need if we didn't wear Nike, which was crazy because our conference was sponsored by Under Armour.

But if we didn't wear Nike, you had to conference me or at any meet, our school was liable to be fine, $50,000. So it was Nike that was like a strict rule. We had to conduct ourselves, you know, like you had to represent the school no matter what. I picked up track and filled up 9th grade, 10th grade, I was okay, a lump grade, I got really good.

I ran for a club track need, which was the the final factor because with clubs, you can run anywhere. You can go to Florida, I'll have a track and fill me, I went to Tennessee, I went to Harvard, I went to Connecticut, I just ran pretty much every Philly, Maryland, everywhere, like the North, I mean the East Coast. And when you run at these different places, you have these college track and fill coaches there trying to recruit you. So for, I don't know if this is standard, for track and fill, you have five official visits that you could take.

And you choose a school, well, I mean, they got to recruit, they got to want you to, but you go on a 48-hour visit, they pay for your flight, they pay for your hotel, they give you money, they take you to dinner, show you around the school, they show you the team, all of the coaches and things like that. And you pretty much just choose what school you want to go to. So my first visit was to South Florida, USF, then I went to Kentucky, then I went to Jordan Mason, then I went to South Carolina, then I went to North Carolina, and it was just my official visit, I went to some other pictures too. But I didn't know where I wanted to go, I wanted to go to South Carolina, they didn't have enough money for me, my coach was like, I was like top three of the country, he was like, you are only going to a school event.

Alright, that's amazing. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, people like, you're only getting the full scholarship and they got to pay for some classes if you want to go to summer school. And I was like, whatever you say, coach. So South Carolina, they wanted me to come there, but they didn't have all the money.

And I was just like, I can't go there. And the top after that, they had to have money and destruction somewhere else. So I went to North Carolina, it was my last visit, it was like the end of May. Money's running out, I'm like, where am I going to go?

I went to that school with Fell in love. Fell in love. It's time I knocked a letter of intent to North Carolina. That was a whole scandal because, if anyone knows who Mary and Jones is, she was on trial, but taking steroids during the Olympics, she had to go to jail, get some time, my coach had to go in the stand and pretty much, you can't lie on the stand because you know, if you lie, perjury, you go to jail.

So he had admitted to taking steroids too. So everyone was asking me, like, are you still in a way to school? And I'm like, yeah, we do random drug tests. He can't give me steroids.

Like, I mean, like, that's just not an option. Like, you don't random drug test mean, and you can go your four years without a drug test or you can get drug tested twice a year, or you can get drug tested once within a four year. You don't know, and you don't know if they're testing four in about steroids or like street drugs. You just don't know.

So I'm like, of course, I'm still going to go like, you're subjected to random drug tests, like, whatever. And I'm glad because we had like the number three recruiting class in the country and we did pretty well that year. But that's how pretty much the recruiting process goes. Like, you go in your final picture visit and you pick and choose what college you want to go to and you sign your natural letter and you just go to college and hopefully the best.

So I always wanted to go into medicine. So I did take some pre-med courses at Chapel Hill and Chapel Hill is hard. It was like the number two public school in the country. Chapel Hill was hard.

I'm going to say this and people probably going to object, but nurses was much easier than Chapel Hill. Yes, I know. Sounds crazy. That's how I see it.

But Chapel Hill was super hard. Maybe because I was still immature. That's what I was just about to say. I was not saying yes.

It was because of that, like your mind was somewhere else. So it's like, you're challenged academically versus now you're like 100%. And you really want this like, this is like a head of the objection that school is hard. So I always wanted to go to medicine.

I knew that. And so I took some chemistry courses at two biology. I got a D. I was like, oh, so I got to stop doing this right now.

You can't stop running track. Like, that's how you're paying for school. Like, honestly, they say student athlete, but it's really athlete student because if they tell you you need to go to a drug test in two hours and you got to exam, guess where you go in. You're going to make up that exam.

The teacher has to make it up. Like, they have to reschedule. So you can make up the exam. But I know I always wanted to go into a pre-med.

I just didn't know how I wanted to be a doctor or a nurse. So I was taking those courses. I got a idea of biology. And I was like, all right, I'm just going to probably go back to school, take some courses after I'm done here and figure out what I want to do.

So I went to Lehman College, took some pre-med courses. And I was like, oh, everyone looks like me at Lehman. That's pretty cool. Took some courses.

And Africans everywhere. Worked in the medical field. I worked at Montefi during the Bronx. I worked as a medical scribe.

I learned a lot and that prepared me for nursing school. And then I was like, oh, let me apply to PA school. Applied twice. Didn't get in.

They're not really thought about it. Like, does God really want me to go to PA school? Which means your life always do my best. A lot.

A lot. Like, hell of money. I know about applications. I tell you, $1,000 each cycle.

$1,000 each cycle. You was good. I did it once I got done. A lot of money.

A lot of money. Then I was like, you know what, PA school? Like, that's the, there's no moving up. There's no movement to PA school.

I decided I didn't want to be a PA anymore. I would literally have to go back to school. So I was like, nursing might be my best bet because I always had like a little love and anesthesia. And I was like, if I go to nursing school, then I could go to see our knee school too.

And I really love interacting with people and helping people. Not to say that PA's don't do that, but what nursing is just a different approach. They, you know, emphasize caring more than anything. And I really do care about people that actually care about wanting to get better and be better, you know.

So I always had like a little thing for medicine. So I finally decided, nursing. What was your, what was your process? What was the process like for you?

Why were you interested in nursing specifically? My undergrad degrees in biology. And I have to say getting that degree was harder than nursing school. So I kind of, okay, hold on.

I agree with that. I think biology was a harder degree than nursing school. And I was so miserable. Like, and not should have been like my cue.

Like, Abby doesn't feel like, stop it. Like, get out of this now. So honestly, I was trying to please like, so I've always loved healthcare. I've always loved like the body and medicine and all that.

Like, I've never been into anything else. And it was my parents who was like, Abby, like, your second generation, you need to be the first doctor in the family. And I'm like, all right, you guys want everything from me? I'm gonna go to med school.

I can do this. But I wasn't successful in undergrad. Like, and it was because of like many different things. One, I came from a really strict household that I went to go live on campus.

And I just went wild. I was so, so, so, so, so, not in the right mindset. I was so immature. I wasted so much time on money in undergrad.

And there was no way I was in against med school. Then I was like, all right, PA school, no. What do you feel like, I'm sorry for cutting you off. Like, was it, was it because of grades or money?

My grades. Because I was partying so much in undergrad. My grades suffered tremendously. Like, I literally couldn't even keep a C in chemistry.

Couldn't even keep a C, repeated chemistry. I think three times dead ass and muddings that rating. Me too. I don't know how I pulled.

I ended up graduating with a 3.2. I don't know how that happens. 3.2. Really, after all that shit.

But yeah, so that was under that. She said, she said, 2.2, but she was fucking up. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And actually my, so when I was in undergrad, my mom was getting her associate's nursing.

So watching her like raise a whole family working full time in, she graduated nursing school with a 3.8. You mom? Raising a whole family working full time, communicating school with my mom. She's my inspiration.

I'm like, if she can do this, I'm gonna get my shit together. Like seriously, like I feel embarrassed. The time that I wasted, the money I wasted, the potential I wasted. Oh, that's very inspiring.

Yeah, I can definitely appreciate it. My mother is 100% my inspiration for everything I do in life. That's dope. That's dope.

Katura, you work in EMC, right? You still love me? Last three other jobs. It's an honor.

Lady worked hard. Did you always know that she wanted to be in the medical field as well? Always. So since like when did you stop working in the medical field?

I was like 16. That you were sitting in high school. Yeah. I used to work as like a home health aide and then a PCA.

So I've always been in a home. I didn't like wanting to do anything else. I went through a moment where I was like, oh, maybe I'll just do that administrative side of healthcare. And that's why I ended up getting my degree in public health administration.

And then after a couple months of working for the city, I was like, this is not for me. But I've always like worked. I went to UMass Amers, which was like the zoo. I remember when I graduated high school and I was like, oh, I want to go to Boston and do that.

Like every 18 year old. And I was like, hell, I'm kind of happy she did. And something I might end up doing with my own kid because at 18 years old, you're thinking, you know, everything you want to do, everything. And you're free.

So essentially, you end up wasting a lot of money and a lot of time. So my mom said, no, you want to be to college. And I did. I went to community college.

I got an associate and then I transferred over to UMass with a scholarship. And then I finished there. I worked through as a CNE through UMass. When I was done there, I was applying to, I was like, oh, maybe I'll do med school.

Then I got a job at Bay State. And I was like, 80% of what they do is pitch paperwork. And I'm like, I don't, I am not about to go six figures in debt to push paperwork. So no, it's not for me.

And then I was like, okay, maybe PA. And then I started applying PA school. And then I was like, same thing with always said, like, you can't really go anywhere. Like, you have the flexibility of changing specialties with PA, but you can't really like progress.

And I said, you're just all with the PA within nursing, you can like progress. There's practitioners, we can do anything. So I ended up applying, I got into PA school. And I was just like, nope, it was a BTS school.

You got accepted to both other things. I decided to go to nursing school. Yeah. So I decided to go to nursing school.

Like, after having like endless conversations with so many nurses, so many PA's, I like shadowed this great cardiac, cardiac thoracic PA at Bay State. And I was just like, that's shadowed nurses. And I was like, okay, nursing is for me. So I ended up at nursing school.

And through nursing school, I mean, it's been a struggle and a journey. I know you're working in doing this at the same time. And it's not like, this is one, like, I can never do this. I mean, it works like, I get, I understand why a lot of people don't work.

Don't get me wrong. I just never was that person not to work. Like, when I accepted, either way, I would have went PA or nursing school, I would have had a cut down. So for me, I went for making a certain amount of money and living a certain way.

To now you're telling me, you gotta work like two days a week, and a girl got a cut down on her, you know, extracurricular activities, like, yeah, that's a cut. And that, in my situation, I was so blessed to have someone that I could depend on to help me financially, like the gap, because there was a gap. Like, I didn't just go to nursing school and all my debt disappeared. And the bill disappeared.

The bill was still there. He still had to be paid. Somebody had a pay him. You know what I'm saying?

I was taking on extra money help from Sally, because so I was I was blessed to have him to help me through the process. But I worked every weekend since his program to really, there was not a weekend I didn't work. So I was in school Monday through Friday, Saturday during the day, I was home studying take a nap and I went to work 10 p.m. And so 10 p.m on Sunday to wake up at five 45 to get to school on Monday.

You know, this is making me feel bad. I'll be doing so like it's always been a matter of just like, why wouldn't I be working? The hustle, plenty of simple. Like, I just grew up like that.

I grew up that way. I've always been working. I always provided for myself. I can't remember the last time I accept the money from my mother.

You know what I'm saying? I can't tell you. And going through this process was a very trying person independent person like me to have to be like, Hey, honey, you got some gas money? That's very hard.

And that's hard for a black woman. That's hard for independent. That's very hard. And even though I'm independent, I'm very also submissive to him.

So at the end of the day, it's a challenge within yourself. But like I said, they'll still have to get paid. And I still have to feel like I have some sort of independence. So I had to go to work.

And I was at work studying taking emergency. One of the times I was talking to them. I got to take emergency real quick. And that's just what it is.

You know what I'm saying? So how's it being an EMT? What do you work? What's what's the company?

I work for the company, ambulance service here in Russell Mass. And I work as an anti-insipatcher. So I take 911s and then I actually can go on 911. So it's completely different.

Because when you're working on a truck, you're literally like a journal in rushing. And then when you're on the phone, it's also a journal because you have those calls that can be something stupid like, Oh, I gotta have it or I'm too drunk. I'm to drunk. You know what I'm saying?

Please call whatever or that you have those gunshot wounds and you have someone calling you saying they're going to jump off the bridge and you're talking to somebody down from the community. So that is a lot in itself. But I mean, you do that. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. This is this is working in the medical field.

In fact, I should have to deal with those things on the basis can have like, we over time is going to affect you very well. I mean, that's why so many people in the medical field, healthier field lawyers, they have such high stress levels and I don't want to do our own drugs. Right. Right.

And yeah, I've heard that. Like, you know, med search nurses are different from nurses that work in the ICU or you are for some reason a lot of the nurses that I know that I work in the ER, I don't drug. They're all tapped. I tell you firsthand because I work with them.

All right. A lot of them are happy. But also some of them too. That's an excuse for them to do drugs.

Like I feel like certain people, they're like, Oh, I worked in this environment. I got to do drugs. It's stressful though. Like being in the ER, I'm only a nurse assistant now.

But as a nurse, I can see what they go through and it's really stressful. Like, they, you're a psychiatrist, you're a therapist, you're a lifesaver, you're advocate. Like literally you're playing 10 roles of a nurse in the ER. Not me mentally right now.

I mean, I definitely have taken it home and there's definitely stories and events that have stayed with me when the first time I gave CPR to a baby, she was three months old and gin of dying. And literally, I still think about that child. I still think about there was literally like 30 people in that room. Nurse's pushing meds, doctors giving orders.

I'm just there giving the baby CPR listening to the nurses, you know, following orders. And I still like, it's crazy. I can see this baby's face clearly in my head right now. So why do you see what it's doing?

Trump? I mean, great question. Isn't it it's not traumatic? Like, why would someone do that?

It takes a special person to work in special fees. Like even a nursing, you will see it like it takes if there's a different nurse and mentors than there's a different nurse and indeed there's a different nurse and ICU than this nurse and a different nurse in the ER. And you just have to figure out works for you. And it's not even saying that why would you do it?

It's just like, I couldn't see myself doing anything else. That's dope. That's dope. That's dope.

That's dope. You know what I'm saying? So it may be stressful. That's what it's what it's what it's you feel like you are.

That's what it's a lot. I couldn't see myself doing anything other than healthcare. It's funny because the upbringings that a lot of you guys have had throughout your time, I've had a similar experience coming from parents that were immigrants, you know, are immigrants. And then having my foot in both a multi-ethnic environment as well as an environment that wasn't, and where I was the minority.

And I kind of see all of that in what you guys are talking about because the only thing that kept me like through that, through those experiences of just like, oh this person doesn't understand because they didn't grow up the way that I grew up. Or like, oh why do you sound like a white black person? Oh yeah. Oh yeah yeah.

All that stuff. You know, I've heard it all. Like I've had the end work all to my face by somebody that wasn't. And like the only thing that kind of kept me through that was just, you know, something that you couldn't see yourself doing otherwise.

So like for you guys like it's worked for me. Like it's art and stuff like that. I wrote a lot during that time. Like made a lot of stuff during that time.

And when I listened back to that stuff during specific moments in time, like you can almost like recall like all the emotions in there because you had to do it out of necessity. Like that was survival. Like if you don't do that, like if you don't do that shit, like you're gonna die. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Straight up. So like I see all of that kind of like woven in to like what's been going on because like I relate to that so well. What about Shoo's Oi? Why?

But I see you specifically. You know what? Honestly, honestly, honestly, honestly, humble beginnings, you know, parents where, you know, alcoholics and drug addicts and you know, just living in Harlem, you, I used to have to say, excuse me to these patients that were shooting up in my hallway. You know, excuse me.

I'm just, I'm in the fourth grade. So I'm like nine. I'm just trying to go to class. And I see these people that are strung out pretty much, I don't know if they're dying.

I don't know if their chest was rising and falling through if they were breathing or not. You know, that's just what all got me interested in critical care. You know, just seeing those patients that were like acutely ill, like that need to help. And I couldn't help them at that point.

But I've helped them now. So you felt like you needed to be in a position to help those people because they were your people. Is that how we're looking at it? All of those people were black people.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And if I need being a black person, if I'm not getting back to my community, who will? Who, you know, very important to me.

While you guys were doing this program, did you feel like you were misunderstood? You guys are friends and then you got more than friends, bro. And I'm gonna give like, not real quick, going to detail. I'm gonna go with misunderstood for all the black people in the class.

There was a point in time when we were taking a class. And on the PowerPoint, it said Negro. Oh, yeah. I couldn't understand why this phrase was still being used in 2019 in this particular instance, instance, because this PowerPoint, I was told this PowerPoint was used for the last five years.

So I knew black people in the cohort before us saw this word on this PowerPoint. So I couldn't understand why anyone didn't really say anything. Like, we shouldn't be using Negro anymore. It's obsolete.

It shouldn't. And I did my research. They stopped using Negro on the 2010 census. I didn't understand why in 2019, this word was still being used.

So I approached one of our professors in the most kind this way. And she was so open to hear what I said. And she was like, I have no issues removing it. And she removed it from the PowerPoint.

That same thing, email me and said, Zoe, I apologize if there's like an interview in any way, I removed it from the PowerPoint. And I just was grateful that she even understood. So I just that ticked me off. That like, ticked me off.

You guys have any, but that that just was the highlight of, I think I was next to you in class. And you're like, Abby, do you fucking do that? I'm like, what? I was living in class like, we're not seeing this together?

I don't think I was paying attention after that either. Yeah, you're out of it. You're pissed. I don't be seeing shit, bro.

I don't think I was going to do that. You're not. Yeah. So I think my biggest thing was I was in a room full with a lot of people that were smart intellectually.

And but it was a lot of like, yes, ma'am, no, ma'am type situation. And I always grew up with respect. You have respect for your elders, whomever. But there comes a point, especially when I'm paying to be in that seat.

68,000. That is okay. Yeah, it's okay. The challenge.

Yeah, it was a lot. It was a lot of people. Plus, I mean, it's interesting. But yeah, it was like to, in a sense, for me, I was just like, wow, no one really challenges these people or challenges the professors or like ask questions or it was whatever they say.

That's what it is. And I feel like I'm sorry. I can't do that because people that for a long time. Yeah.

Yeah. That's very, it's very significant that you're saying that. But you speaking about it, were you afraid that you would be labeled as angry? But I was already.

And that was fine with me. From Jump Street. That's what it was. It was like, yeah, it was like, it's the cohort had something to say.

There were like three people in this class that they'll be like, oh, hey, this is how we feel. You should say it and then I'll back you up. You have time to talk about that. For these 16 months, and it's just like, have your own voice.

And honestly, and it brought me back to this all the time. How in the hell can you be in nursing school and being taught to advocate for your patient? You then not advocate for yourself. I'm the luya.

No sense to me. And there was never no disrespect. I've never gotten into a situation with my professors where I felt that I was hostile. I may have been passionate, but I was never hostile.

But like at the end of the day, I have to advocate for myself because no one, no one advocated for me. You know what I'm saying? I didn't have those resources to say, oh, well, this or that or the third. You know what I'm saying?

And half of these people, I was in a class where I don't know if it's because I had to pay my own way and my mommy and daddy wasn't paying for me or whatever it is. So it wasn't that important. But it's like, these are your professors, but these are your counterparts. They are here to teach you, we're here to receive.

But as a student, as an actively learning student, what you're going to continue to be as a nursing professional, you have to be able to have these conversations, these awkward conversations with people. And all that navigate between them. So I couldn't stand the yes, ma'am, the no ma'am, that aura drives me insane. You can add that something real quick.

It was a situation where we were talking to a professor and she asked a question like, what is a hypertensive, has a side effect of cough? And she didn't say, you remember, she didn't say, it was inhibitors. And me and this woman was like, oh, no, it was inhibitors. And she had to look up in her phone.

And she corrected herself and she apologized. But it was inhibitors. But if we didn't say that, the class would have been thinking that it was whatever she said. You know, just small things like that.

Okay, I'm sorry. I remember that. I was like, no, it's inhibitors. You can't tell me different.

So many of those, like so many of those people with this mindset, you will eventually like push yourself away from like I've once upon a time become really good friends with some of these types of people. I've lived with some of these people, you know, I've tried to like work on projects with some of these people be it for like school or be it for stuff outside of school, now I'm out. And things that what you find is that it's going to be very difficult to even begin to like, you know, try and like form an alliance like with this side because they've already made up their mind that everything has been rolled out for them. And they have to grind and stuff.

I grew up in a Rochelle, New York specifically because my parents did not want me growing up in this particular area and things like that. But they still have me understand of where I want society as a biracial. So I started to work my behind offer like what I had to do. And what stories like what I mentioned earlier about how I almost got fenced out of NHS, which to me at that time was a really big deal.

It's something that you know, you kind of like just see all the time. And I think part of what kind of keeps us grounded as people of color is the fact that we already made up in our mind that in spite of all of this like noise and distraction and just really unnecessary conversations because having again like you ever walk away from a conversation like we're going to situations like you know, this could have been easily avoided type of thing. And like the drive that we have kind of just like blocked all that. But like I still see it and like hearing these stories like at this point and I remember everybody talked to me about this when we were talking about something family related.

He was telling me like at this point like nothing surprises me. And yeah, I got something to say about it. But like yeah, like we got to find it. It's just what I'm going to do because you know, it's almost like I don't need the affirmation.

But like when I walk past you, it's not like you won't notice like what I've done and what I've like busted my ass to do things like that. And you guys are listening to it.