In the name of the Holy Spirit, I pray to Father Brian. Bless us, oh Lord, for these I sinned. I'm about to drop in. Father Brian, please give me the strength for me to holly manual and do a fakey 360 off a half plate, bitch.
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Yeah, that's dope. In the role of that trick, otherwise. Miniature. Look at that.
Bro. What? Obviously I got like this Mary Poppins one with little bass on front, drive that alien back with movie. I haven't really used this one, I don't use it for a second.
It felt pretty quick, I was kind of surprised. Do you think it looked like a bit? Not that. It's just all.
I mean you can be f***ing peddling. Yeah, it's like an asshole. So, Ben, you know, I don't peddle shit. I love that.
What am I trying to f***ing jazz or something? Well sometimes when I get on them 10 about it, I just like to not peddle it all. It's me. Yeah.
And then hit that, I got to stop hitting that front brake. Son of a bitch. Wait, you're doing it on that one as well? Well then I figured I'll hang it out.
Yeah, no, no, no. I'll just totally, but I can't, we'll get back. It'll take us to the top. Keep it down.
That's f***ing awesome. Welcome to the, the gun show. Real smokey. I got a guess that you'll see in the near future when the smoke, when the dust settles.
Uncle Laser is here, believe it or not. The great, the infamous? Almost. Almost.
Yeah, yeah. I'm the other slayer. That's your thing? Yeah, I just love you.
I love me. Yeah, I love me. I'm into that. I mean, I think it's only fair if you're a dad to be into mums.
Yeah, it's kind of. But if you're not a mom, I'm still into it. I'm, I'm going to be honest with you. If you, if you're going to come home with me, I'd be in the bar and touch my background.
I'm into it too. You know what I'm talking about? Do I remember those days? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I've tried to, I've tried to kill that part of me. What a take now.
That's something that don't die. That little itch come creeping up that old familiar feeling. I pray. Which historically worked.
I mean, just look at the clergy. I knew it. Hey, the Lord works in a mysterious way. That is my Lord.
Well, the devil is also real and he knows that I'm leaving him because I was under his wing for many years and he did me well. I don't want to, I don't want to say, man, don't go with the devil. I mean, like he's bad. He's pretty cool.
He's done a lot of great things for me. Shout out to Lucifer. Shout out to the Lucifer. No.
He did a lot of great stuff. But at this point in my life, I don't want to die doing only bad and only for me. I want to do good and do things for others. So to pay it back before I leave this land.
So I've got to, you know, like who are you really and what are you really trying to do? And it's, I'm trying to be a good person all the time and try to be understanding to other people and not burn people. I now from being sober, I remember so many things of when I was mainly when I was successful on radio of being cocky and arrogant and shooting down everybody that I've ever known. I've talked shit on.
No shit. Yeah. Like I didn't think that I was that bad of a person. I was like, I don't know why anyone would have a beef with me.
Sure, I'm loud sometimes. Back when I was drinking, did I like say some things? But I was drunk. Like, give me a break, you know?
But now that I'm sober and thinking about it, I have ripped into everybody I've ever met. At one point when I thought, and I can admit it, I thought I was the king. I was like, how is Stearness about to be surpassed by me? I'm better than him.
And he's a piece of shit too. Even though he gave me a break and had me on the show. Sure. Did I say that I put M&M's in my foreskin?
And that's really the only reason he had me on? Yeah. But he had me on and then by the third time I was on, he played bits of my show on his show to like, so people that were listening to the Stearnshow was like, oh wow, the Jason Ellshow. And being on his show.
Yeah. Turd it on him. Turd it up, Rubble Quithers questioned me for being a good father at one point. And I was like, whatever.
And then went back on my show and that bitch is just jealous because she's got vaginal cancer. Like, I'm a jerk off dude. I've been a jerk off there. Everybody I've ever met.
Every woman that's ever loved me, I cheated on him. I am a piece of shit. Yeah. Themself-destructing tendencies that seem like all sun.
Yeah. And now I've paid the price. You know, it's all coming to an end. Nobody likes me.
I'm not cool. I don't make any money. I'm dog shit. And I deserve it.
How'd it come in? Yeah. federalalization, after I gave up Satan because God is like, well, you don't just get to be under my wing and get like a whole pass. You know how you do dude.
And you're a tert. So if you're willing to go like, go under the train and get really railed, then maybe if you stay long enough, I'll give you another peak. But maybe not. Like maybe this is it.
Maybe I go out like this. Like I'm gonna earn it. But if I die trying to be a good person and I apologize for my actions, and I get nothing in return for it, okay. I can take it.
When was the actual turning point for you said, hey, it's time to make this change? My third divorce where I was like, she's like a good person, easy going, let me do anything I wanted to do too much, quite frankly. And I took that and ran with it to the point where I was like, we should have an open relationship. And I was like, yeah, I should play out everybody all day.
And it was like, I guess, I guess we really wanna do that guy and that girl. And I was like, yeah, I wanna do all of them. Everybody, I need to tense them. Like it was just like, go, go, go.
And now, and then she was like, I can't do this anymore. And I was like, yeah, I agree, get out of here. And then realized I was like, that's the only, that's the last person that was ever gonna put up with your shit. You're done.
You wanna drink or something? God damn it. That's the thing, it's like, yeah, maybe you should have a drink, maybe you should smoke wheat, maybe you should go bones and bookers. And I'm like, yeah, I know that that's what you're asked.
I know that that's the test. I'm not doing any of it. I'm not doing anybody. It's good.
Pay, suffer, I don't care. What's it, they're fine? I was thinking about moving into a van the other day. And I was like, man, I got five dogs and a cat and a cat, kitty litter, like my bedroom sometimes, if I don't clean the kitty litter a lot, stinks like dog, like catch it.
And I was like, in a van, that is gonna be intense. With the E, oh yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, I gotta walk them, because I gotta back out. I just go, if you go and I throw the ball and they're good.
But if I got a van, I gotta take them out all the time. And I'm like five poopy's and cat poopy in a box that I'm in. I mean, that's a cool movie, but I don't know if I wanna live or be to start, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So, you know, but it's a, I got a Patreon and we'll probably, we'll probably figure it out. What's the case scenario? Keep on, keep on. That's all.
This is the price, you know? Sometimes the chick is gonna come home to Ruth though, son. Yeah. You gotta pay the Piper.
And I can take it, you know? Like I know it, I've accepted it. I don't think that I'm special anymore. And it's good for me to not think that.
Like enough of the smoke show, man. Like I'm just some dude, you know? I'm not some magical, talented, like superstar. I'm just some douche.
Does this happen often? Yeah, he loves the guests. He's an easy lover. He feels like a ball sack, it's incredible.
Yeah, he just got his ball sack cut off, so he's recovering from it. Oh, you did the old Bob Barker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's paying on everything, man.
Cats are strange with that. So I got to put a t-shirt on the table, then he just piss on it. And I'm like, dude, I was gonna put that back on. What a dick.
Yeah, right? That's what I said. I got to the point where I was like, okay, dude, your balls. I ain't gonna piss on me now.
You know what he's gonna do? I don't know what he's gonna do. It's over. But he's still crazy.
Which is good, because I didn't want him to lose. He's crazy, you know? Because he's like a charismatic guy. And when he cut people's balls off, he's dead.
Yeah, they lose that itch. Not him. Now he's still here. You know, I actually saw a news story recently that castrating mammals, males across the board is associated with a much longer lifespan.
There's this female doctor who's like, for the life of me, I can't understand why men are so attached to these two little death nuggets they carry around with. Yeah, we live longer. Exactly. And we tend to think it's, well, guys neglect themselves or they do stupid shit, they jump off a cliff.
And all that stuff is probably true. But it's been a medical mystery for the longest time that guys used to put an insane asylum back in the day they would castrate them. And on average, obviously there's exceptions. A lot of them would live a lot longer.
But on average, that means that most of that. If you're done using them, like for making babies, there's a strong scientific argument to be made for castration across them off. I'm just, is it because the testosterone plays with you so much on your blood vessels and your heart and shit? That's exactly what it is.
That's exactly what it is. Thank you. Hey, man. I feel like I'm Dr.
Evil right now, look at this. Hell yeah. That's pretty pumped on you. Yeah, I hear a lot of them women have been getting these naked cats.
You're pretty busy with women, huh? I'm as much as an ex fella. I would disagree. I think you're busy.
What do you mean? I think you're busier than the average bee. I'm busier than I like to be quite frank with you. Sometimes you know what the best thing in life is for me at this moment in time, sleeping in my bed alone.
Because, but that's only because it's just like I saw on TikTok, the great Joe Rogan saying that you appreciate the sun a lot more when you've been in the rain a long time. Sure. And I feel like because you're sleeping with so many women, you appreciate not sleeping with somebody one time. Well, I mean, goddamn, you spent half a third of your life sleeping by yourself.
And then you got to be with somebody like, I don't, I don't, look, I'll do a little post-coitist cuddle, but we can't sleep like that. That's retarded. Like your foot can touch your mouth breathing on me while I'm trying to catch a disease, you know what I'm saying? Well, yeah, it's just energy.
It's people you got to expend energy to. And sometimes I just want to sit in my loathom, and neck it and just, you know, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, I can relate to that.
I feel like I've had a lot of family in my house for the last month or so. And I really want to just be by myself. I want to break it. It's crazy as you get older.
Like I'm not from this world. So being immersed in all this stuff and having people like recognizing the street is strange to me because like I drove holes in the ground for the past 15 years. You know what I'm saying? I'm just like, if I keep this pace at which I'm going, I won't live very long.
You see what I'm saying? So now I'm going to realization because I don't drink one by myself from social drinking for network purposes, right? Because I'm trusting my body can't think about it. So unless they're recovering alcohol or something like, I got the cop, you know what I'm saying?
But I got this thing where I take sip of beer and I say, I got a egg ball cocaine now. So I don't get too black out, I don't get silly. So I'm using it as I can deter it to not get fucked up. But then I stay geared up to the guilt to mind the morning.
It just ain't, you can't do that with longevity. Yeah, yeah, I remember those days. That was, that was. But if you're telling me, wait, 50, how old are you 52?
If you're telling me I'm 52, I go like that. I might just keep doing cocaine. I tell you what. But I had to stop.
Well, you know. How old are you? 33. Yeah, that's about when I hit the brakes.
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When one of the hours turns shit, how were you when all that happened? 40s. OK, OK. So you were partying hard prior to even just fucking...
No, I took, see, I was doing everything. And then my girlfriend got pregnant and was like, I want to have a kid. And I was like, oh shit. OK.
And I was raised to be like, I'm not going to be a deadbeat. Like I'm going to stick around. I'll marry her and... Hang on, let's woman up.
Yeah. So I really tried to do that. And we weren't compatible in any way. And it became more apparent that the...
Because she had the baby, she really grew up. And I still really didn't want to. So I felt like I was missing out on life because I was like, wait, I can't drink anymore. I can't do anything.
But also just hard drugs. That was an easy thing to quit. When the baby came out and I saw the baby, I was like, I don't want to... Because when I did, when I partied, I didn't wear everybody.
It was like, Jesus, dude. That's not even a line. And that's like the whole bag. And I was like, that's how I do it.
Like I don't play or nothing. I just make shapes of my cocaine. Like, look at this. This is a map of Australia.
And then it's not the whole fucking thing. Incredible. Yeah, kind of. But you know, I'd be like, man, my heart feels funny.
You know, like, I did smoking meth and all that kind of stuff. Like heroin, I did everything that they had. So then I stopped at it. And then I was like, I'll just drink.
And I have that trigger where one or two turns into... I never drank at a good pace. Like, I would just neck one. And then I'm like, I got to have two doubles on me.
Because by the time I get down to the second line. I don't want to wait in the line. I need another one. So like, if you could just give me like six in a row, then maybe I could see it for ten minutes before I get the next one.
But it's not going to be enough to have one. I could never do that. It was always... And then I'd be, you know, people love it.
They love John Chase pushing everywhere. Look at this. You guys want to see? You mean, breaking fucking...
You know what I mean? Fence in half with my head. And they were like, yeah, in Australia. It was cool.
I used to do this in quick impression, Mel Meninga. And it's like, he was this all black, married New Zealander that played rugby. And he's the tackle. He was known for tackling people hard.
And I didn't even watch rugby. I just knew Mel Meninga because he was like, yeah, he's a badass. So I would be real drunk and I'm singing Silver Chair. And then I'd go, quick impression, Mel Meninga.
And then I'd run through somebody's wall, which was funny. But if you're in a house, it wasn't funny at all. Like, who is this dude that just ran away? Who wants all my fucking drywall?
Who is this asshole? Yeah. So people would beat me up and, you know, Chase got beat up again for running through the house or whatever, or putting metal in the microwave, you know, like, stuff where it was like cool at the time, but looking back, not really that cool at all. So then I'd be like drinking wine, classic, you know, wine at dinner.
But then I'd have, then I started making the serious XM money and I would buy expensive wine and have, you know, five or six bottles and be back to old me. Where your men stand on the, let's get all the chicks over to my house and everybody below me. I'm going to be honest with you. We would have a great time together.
Yeah, no, no, no. I know for a fucking fact, if you're talking about getting on the table with the Olive Garden drinking peanut in the hole or until six in the morning, I'm about it. Yeah, that was, that sounded like a, that was a good night. Yeah, the great first day.
To the point where it was like, I don't want to have a Thursday without it. I feel like I'm losing if like tonight is just, wait, we're going to have a beer and watch a movie like now, man. I can't. Like when homies call me and Sunday, Sunday, come out, watch the game, have a couple beers and watch the ball game.
I know that's not a real thing. There's no, there's either a water and with a wine, but there's 1700 beers and you're butt-ass naked on top of the hood of your car to Sonic. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, there's no, there's no, there's no in between.
But then you got to, you know, cause I would always say, well, no, I'll just have a couple glasses and then every now and then I pull off the couple glasses go to bed and be like, yeah, man, I'll have a couple of glasses of wine and it's fine. And then, you know, give it two months, something good happens or something bad, but usually something good, something good, reason to celebrate. That was the other thing. If I ever did anything good, not being wasted and ramming a wall.
How else are you supposed to celebrate? Right, I don't know how else you're supposed to celebrate. I remember one time, I never forget the story where I did a stunt where I jumped off my skateboard over a 64-gap and landed on the back of my friend's dirt bike. That's dope.
It was pretty cool. And this is when I was married to my first real wife, baby mama, and we went back to the house like everybody came over, everybody left their own separate ways. I went back to my house and my wife at the time got me an apple pie because she knows I like apple pie. Sure.
That's what I got. And I was like, I don't know how much apple pie I can eat, but this sucks. I need a beer. I need 700 beers.
Yeah. And you know, like some kind of crazy champagne blowjob or something. You know, like something cool's gonna happen. And then when I divorced her and met my next wife, she was like, hell yeah, champagne blow jobs, you should do that.
So I was like, right, I've met the right one. But because of my addictive personality, I don't think that was the right one. I think I think my baby mama was really a good person who was really trying to show me the best way to live, not to mention being a fucking father. Like you need to not let that guy out anymore.
And then it was even an argument about weed where I had to quit weed with it when I was with her because she was like, you're a different person when you smoke weed. I'm like, yeah, I'm cool. I will kill you if I'm not smoking weed. Like I will beat your ass like you cut me off.
And I'm like, Hey man, and you go get out of the car. I'll get out of the car. I'll get out of the car and kill you. Yeah.
I'm not gonna knock you out. Yeah. Like pull me off your dead body. Yeah.
No, that's no way to live. So I left her and then got with somebody was like, hell yeah, I agreed you should smoke weed. And then I take it. I always take it too far.
That's the only way I learned, man. You got to tell you got to be such a flashing is this is bad. This is bad. Am I right?
So you say it's bad. Gotcha. But until like what women said, a boy can only learn a lesson by grabbing a cat by its tail by literally grabbing the cat by its tail. My daddy's telling me that's no side.
Don't touch a fucking stove. But until I touch it, I'm not going to know. I had to touch it a thousand times. Okay.
Well, you know, different. I mean, look, for no one through all that and you still got it. You still got to be worse. We don't know.
Yeah. But you know what I'm saying? I've had all of them. Praise to the dark Lord.
I fuck with the Satanist girl the other day in Austin. I love witches. Yeah, we did a little blood ceremony and she told me about the horse. Yeah, I got that too.
Just trying to stab him with a knife and blend it on the full moon. I was like, listen, you're not aware of what he does. I was doing that. I was too.
I put it like a snap and turn when I was just drawled in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's a tough to say no to. Yeah. Yeah. Like the way I am.
But in the end, you know, like it's like I got a I got a I want to because I feel like if you've been through a lot, obviously you have to and you want to and you can still accomplish things and be a good person. Then you need to spread that because so many of us out there are frustrated and dark and not finding a way out of things and if you can get out after being in such a dark place and show others. Yeah, man, because there is a way out, you know, like I've gone through a lot. I've been gone through like more than ever recently and I'm not folding.
Like I'm not giving up on it. I just have to work harder on doing these other positive things. Yeah. And there's like it'll show like career wise.
It's not showing but it will. It comes in. It already shows other in other ways like physically. Yeah.
You know, I'm 52. I'm more of an athlete now than I was when I was 42. And that's a kid cutting out all the shit. Yeah, for sure.
It is. I think before my granddad he told me something and I kind of use that in the way that I maneuver through life. And when you walk into a room, you got to know the room got better. Not in a cocky sense but since you get to meet somebody and they get to meet you.
They tear your story and just for a moment in time you get to change somebody's impact somebody's life for maybe a day, a week, a month, a year, you don't know. But it don't cost any amount of money just to be kind to a motherfucker. Just a hug, a handshake or a smile, leaving better than the way you finally said. Be somebody that somebody wants to be stuck in an elevator with because nobody wants to be able to announce over.
Do you think with your career getting big like pretty quickly that you don't seem to have changed your attitude towards other people, you're still pretty nice? Yeah. I mean, because look man at the end of the day, I've been fans of people right? When I met him in there, I like authenticity and genuality.
I'm still that same motherfucker that was crossing tracks and nobody was really fucking growing up and in all fields, we're all working in 100 degree weather in West Texas. We don't want to be here but we can make this a better time while we're here. So I'm just like be a vibe, be a good friendly environment to people and that shit will resonate and come full circle every single time. They do that study with the water, the negative things in the water.
I'm just turning black. I'm not familiar with this study. I think he was at MIT. I can't remember what he was talking about but he had his class, he demonstrated for like a fucking three week solid, they would stay positive, like a firm nation's to a glass of water, okay?
And with one there and another one, they'd be saying negative shit. And of course like three weeks, like the dye in the water or like the eye on shit, they put it in there, it would turn black for the negative one and it was a clear water in the positive one. I'm butchering that but I know it's- They can do it with rice too Michael. Really?
Yeah. Yeah. Rice has feelings. That's not what it's saying.
Everything is vibrations and frequencies. I know it's stupid, it's horse over which is- Stu vibrations is that thing. It's a real thing. Same people dude.
It's a vibe thing. I like ten minutes to talk to somebody, the impact which they will have on my life would be a colleague, a friend, a best friend, a lover, blah, blah, blah. You can sense it, you can grab- I wouldn't say judge a book by it's cover but you can find out the initial things that you need to know about the person within a genuine ten-minute conversation. If I'm gonna- If you're gonna be someone who's gonna impact my life.
See and I feel like for me being clear headed is a way that then I can sense that a lot better than I used to because when I was always high all the time, I just assumed that everyone's good people. Well that and negative, if you have negative vibrations, we click. Because you're like, yeah, yeah. I like this one makes sense to me because they're dark too.
Yeah. And then we should just stay dark together. I mean, man. I've been like a dark mean person and it's overrated.
I mean to tell you it's overrated. Yeah. And I want to be happy. I want to be in the light.
I want to hang out with some of these people that I used to shit on so hard for like, I'm like you hacky sack motherfuckers fucking smiling in the sun like fucking shove a job off your ass. Yeah. You know, and it's like now I'm like man, give me those jobas. Let me see that durable.
Yeah, seriously. Let me hacky sack and let me see that durable. Seriously. No, I get it.
I think it's getting older too though. Like you just, you know, like, when I was at twenty to now where I'm at. That's not in the same fucking person. Right.
That's why in my hometown everybody got married and shit at seventeen years old had a bunch of kids. I was like, you didn't even fucking know yourself. No, that's what you never gave yourself a chance to know. Exactly.
You're not even like, you haven't even learned yet. And it's just like people rush into that. But you know, society does that to people, especially men because we don't get to talk and talk about your feelings, your gay, if you cry, your gay, but it's like a thing. If you're having a bad time and you feel like there's some tears in there and you don't let them out, it's not healthy.
No, you don't have a heart attack. Forty-five. Right. But I mean, yeah, but my dad, my dad, he's told me he loved me one time in my life.
And I said to me in my first wedding that he was proud of me and I had to fight the tears. Yeah. It's a little fun when you're following up with your father. Yeah.
And then also, I never saw him cry, but my stepmom told me one time when they had to put a dog down that he'd had for a long time at the vet, he cried and I go, really? Like you saw it. Yeah. And I'm like, what was that like?
Yeah. Because I wanted to be there for it because I didn't believe that it was real. That's the only thing Manlier than a man never crying is only crying when his dog wore his pants. You know why he cried because of that?
Because if you cry over your dog, it's not as gay as crying over your mother. Right. You're allowed to like get drunk and listen to Desperado and cry. Oh yeah.
Let it go. Just scream shit in the shower. I remember I got a bunch of trouble when I was 18 and my dad used to beat my ass when I was younger when I do bad shit. He's good dad.
He's the best thing being I ever met. But he's different time. He's different time, but I remember I did something and he was, I got in trouble with the law and he just looked at me and goes, you fucking disappointment. And that he harder than any fucking belt whooping or anything.
We got similar dads. Yeah. That happened to me a lot too. Have you deployed that on your son?
Because I always hear that. That's what I've busted that out one or two times. Not you disappoint me or you are a disappointment. I'm not willing to go to it.
I don't need to go to it with my son. It's very disappointing that you chose to do that. Because kids are, it's like they're wired to push you, but to want you to push back. Yeah.
I choose to say that you're better than that. I know you. Oh, there you go. Right.
He's actually turned it around. He's been getting in trouble at school for a couple of years now. And I've been talking to about it and talking to the teachers, which is another thing that before I was sober, I was never contacting. I would never respond to an email.
Like that's my exes business right there. Oh, sure. And now that I'm involved in all that stuff and talking to him and telling him I'm talking to your teachers. Like I'm talking to your principal.
I'm talking to him. He sent me an email like two, three days ago that he got a grant for the most improved student. Fuck yeah. They gave him 500 bucks towards like guitar lessons or whatever he wants next year.
And he sent it to me. And I was telling, I was getting him Tony Hokey yesterday and I told him that because he's a super dad too. Like he's somebody that I copy. Well, I'm sorry, I try to copy emulate when it comes to he's a busy guy, man.
He's a famous guy, but he's a good dad. He doesn't give a shit about what he is or what he's done. He's like, I am dedicated to being a good father and I aspire to be like a guy. Yeah.
And when I told him, is that's somebody that I feel I felt good about telling because I knew he'd be like, that's fucking awesome. Yeah. And it was it's still like to this day, like this things like I can win. That's the other thing, winning things.
You know, I want to win things because it's like a high. It's a good thing. I want to beat somebody. I want to win something.
And then but it doesn't last. It lasts like a couple of hours. And then I'm like, what can I beat next? What's next?
Things like that. They last forever. Yeah. It's got meaning.
It's got stability meaning. Like it's not a drug. No, no, it's a good thing. No, I like that.
They're speaking of drugs though, since your comic, I want to ask you this. Have a joke for the first time that you run on stage and you get to massive pop and work, tell me that's not better than comic. Tell me that adrenaline rush is not better than any drug ever. The first time that ever happened, I went into the green room and was like, oh, this is what that feels like.
Yeah, because I was wondering what that was like. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm addicted to that.
But that's the other thing. It's not I don't need that. You know, like I want to be like, you know, like the hinge clips of the world where they get up there and whatever they say is fucking awesome. Yeah.
No matter where they are, what day it is, they just got it, man. Like the Tim Dillon's of the world where I go, he didn't even none of that was planned. And it was fucking hilarious. I'm like, that's what I want.
And I don't care about what it gets me because I've been there with the, you get stuff, you get a pad on the back, you get some hard to get the most of the blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want, I want just the skill just like I know from skateboarding. It's over now.
What I get from skateboarding is it cool that someone goes, hey, man, he's Jason. I was like, I remember you said shred that's cool. But the thing that is the greatest thing from skateboarding was I think I'd have hit my head that much. I remember when there was a time where I could make that thing do what I wanted it to do.
Yeah. And every now and then I skated yesterday and there's a couple of tricks I did where I was like, I can still make it do things that I wanted to do. And you can't take that from me. That's what I got from skateboarding.
Not the money, not the traveling, not the blow jobs, which was all cool. Don't get me wrong. But it's nowhere near as important. And now this is like the third or fourth thing that I'm trying to master.
It doesn't, the other bits don't mean anything to me. I just want to be a comic. I just want to be able to get regular shows and go up all the time. And it's coming.
It's not happening right now. But I know like, did you just started like, give it time? And then you'll be on the road all the time and you'll be like, hey, kick me out. I'm going to be here and I'm going to be there.
Like, I only just started saying that for the very first time the other day where I was like, I'm actually going to be somewhere. You can see me. You can get tickets. It's like five shows.
And I'm like, I see everybody else that I follow and go see. And I'm like, you do it. You're like, you're here. And I'm there.
And I'm like, a couple more years, couple more hard work. And then I'll be able to go next weekend and next weekend. Yeah, yeah. And then that's what I want.
I want in that craft, like getting that shit dialed. It's just like, like I said, like making that board do whatever you want. Walking into a room and telling a bunch of strangers and navigating through a story. How was it with you doing Kiltony when you were so fresh?
So the first time I ever did Kiltony, the first time I ever got up on stage, I just stand up ever. I was never in. I never really watched it. I watched two lines anyways.
Chris Farley was a huge, I was a big Farley guy. But not like I love coming to come in the company. I was always funny in the garage. But that's not the same as being funny on stage.
It's different. So when I got up there, I was super fresh. But you got to realize, you know, for the little tenacity and energy that I brought and had like, they saw something in terms of like, you come back, well, I learned real quick. Like I can't just fire from the hip.
I got to have jokes. Right. Because instead of- Was that, did you learn that from when you were challenging? Yeah.
I think you were on the road? I did some open mics in Chicago the other day when I was doing some shows. They're one of the real comics that features for me up there. So he was like, when you actually hit some mics and I'm like, I'm never hit a mic.
Because when I did that and got the Kiltony, I got invited to see we show. So I started getting thrust into all these positions. So instead of eating a bag of dicks in front of five people, I'm eating a bag of dicks, the secret show in front of 200 people. You find out real quick when you get off on stage.
That's the only secret show I ever did, is eat a bag of dicks. I was there that night. I was there that night. I was there.
You know, my friend passed away the week or two before, but I was there. then I flew to that show and I was on so much Cratum that when you called my when you said my name I didn't even know I didn't even know I Brianna told me that you intro me yes, I don't remember it and I remember that I thought I was gonna faint When I was walking up the steps no shit because I was so juiced up on Cratum Then I was like I don't feel good I'll do another one I was like it's not working so I'll do another one and that was like and then I remember bombing and just Detecting it being coherent enough to know that this is bombing hard at a place where I should not be bombing I really needed this to work. Yeah. Yeah, and that's nothing I stopped doing drugs and shit cuz that the time before Hans came on kill Tony I remember I got back from Orlando.
It was the first show I ever did out on the road outside of Texas I was in Tampa and sold out great I'm living this high broke a fucking box fan on stage elbow drop that just cuz I didn't have the jokes in but I had The craziness, you know, and then when I get back there I'm drinking fucking crown roll by the handle I walk on stage with it like a fucking asshole Like I already look like an asshole so if I act that way it loses its charm, right? I can't there's leaning into shit, but I'm not an asshole by nature I'm actually I like people I you know, but it's just but I feel like if I would have went the open micro out I would have got discouraged and not continue to do it because Because when you go to open my I can't speak for every comic But my trajectories a little different I'm like the Benjamin Button of comedy kind of you know Like I just kind of got thrust into it and didn't know what the fuck I was doing But I went to some of these mics and you know I'm saying shit that I know works in front of 300 400 people and I'm touching some things up And I'm telling it to a crowd of six and a bar and you're getting nothing So even if you say something of relevancy you won't have the middle note like okay that work there because there's not enough Response yeah, and that would discourage me and how for people there are also on the open mic and they like you don't like They don't give a fuck. They only like when you bomb I had a conversation with Pete Holmes And he's like the only point of going to open mic is that either you break the crowd or they break you He's like that's the only value of those is like I have my jokes my jokes are funny I am going to do my set if you people had a fucking clue you would appreciate how good this is and not just saying it Not just thinking it meaning it believing it and he's like as long as you get up and you stick to your guns The entire time and do a set that would have been good somewhere else that is killing at an open People can pick it up in rooms very which took me a while to understand like you can go You know you have a show at Friday night 730 and went 930 and the crowd could be hot as fuck it's 30 and then 930 It's completely different It's crazy But that's your job as the commander that ship to take them where they need to be I'm starting to the point now in where I can actually like read crowds like I watched comics before me and see where the noise is coming from Who's doing what who I can and it's like dude. I'm addicted to this everything I go through a life not right in my head like that's a premise I can make that funny It's a fucking addicting and I love it But it's just yeah I feel like if I wouldn't have had that fall from grace though with a kill tell me shit I wouldn't have been on being able to do what I'm doing now because that made me I'm tired of eating dicks That shows great character Yeah, well I does because you did a lot of people a lot most people that would be enough probably and you instead of it being enough You flick the switch and turned into a great comic with pressure max diamonds, baby You know I'm talking about that or it makes it a trash rock yeah, but when I quit my job in old field I was making like four hundred fifty thousand dollars a year had all that career like I mean I was running crews I was drilling for one of the biggest wolf in the world So when I I told my mom I was like I think about what my job doing this full-time That's fucking stupid.
Yeah, don't do that comes in the years The parents come to the New Year's Eve party It was Tony Hensko before the one that they were doing at the forum and all H.B. Center He had one New Year's Eve night He had a big head come do 10 minutes and I was a first night genuinely I can look back my career I'm like I absolutely killed that night. Yeah, my mom happened to be there and she was watching me She was alright. There's something here now.
I was not still not good. It just so happened luckily draw I just didn't fucking miss that night. Yeah, and I was like fuck it. I can do this But like I know like I can always go back out and do all-field shit But like dude, I know work I know twelve six nowadays in the middle of the goddamn heat for one fucking tongs being up for forty hours trying to get this Wellboard real and what we do now I tell jokes to strangers on stage.
This is not work to me Yeah, you know, so I like I let's make this shit work And if I let me I got to change my ways my approach on things That's just how you adapt or die, you know, so let me ask you guys both the question as as comics There's been a couple of it's been a spade of incidents recently of audience members going on stage taking swings at comics or You know, I mean there's been one or two things I feel like in the last 12 months or so and I feel like the comedian I miss I miss it right with somebody went on stage I'm Norman Dave Chappelle or Norman someone came up there and had escorting him out and that was like a What was that was fake that was that the earthquake? I don't know about our class somebody said he had to leave and they all they had the whole place evacuated Oh, I don't know about the one I'm talking about. I just know every now and again It's been a minute but for a minute there were three or four times where my Twitter feed which is a lot of comic friends were like Well, if I can't exist with what kind of world we live in where I can't even tell jokes up people trying to attack me It's like okay calm down and happen one or two times But and it has happened a couple of times and I think until this point I would have said we can all agree if you don't like the joke You get up and leave it's never appropriate to get on to go on stage and try to punch the comic agree That was an instance. Okay.
You disagree with that. No, I you know, I think yeah, you shouldn't do that But I'm gonna be honest with you if a motherfucker does that in my show you're welcome to the jungle Yeah, I don't really like I like it's different. You're like I don't mind that like if that's what we're about you know But I mean I would rather not that You can't throw hands like you can Yeah, but I feel also to I think what and especially after Hinchcliffe was on the Tom Brady roast right like there was a time period You know when I first moved to Austin, you know the whole cancel culture shit and it's still a parent to some degree I feel like the script is starting to flip over starting to change like, you know, you look at the end of the day It's not what you fucking say. It's how you say it if you say derogatory shit in your asshole And you deserve what's coming to you But I mean like if we can't fucking laugh at each other be what the fuck are we doing?
Look we've been saying for a million years before any of this was an issue before anybody ever heard the phrase cancel culture You're going out on a tightrope when you address certain subjects and you can joke about anything You just need to be a fucking Jedi level. You're gonna go there. You gotta be fucking good I'm not expecting some sort of repercussions. It's gotta be tasteful, right?
You gotta say it in a way of which it's I mean like I'll shit on everybody, but I also shit on myself too, right? I won't take myself myself at my sister you know, so but I mean self-deformation to like I see a lot of comments She's and yeah, it's a good tool to have but I'm gonna shit on myself confidently, right? You know I'm saying cuz I feel like people in a room they feed off energy And if your energy is confident like they'll get behind that. I mean hit the rule the whole nation by the screen that I would it's a terrible That's a terrible metaphor.
Is it right for the great stand-ups? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm a part of our time so this is in Spain and so I think all this shit is getting translated So is this where the line Wow holy shit now, so there's the swing and this guy's gonna Wait, there's more wasn't somebody stopping right there. Okay, so pause it for a second. So here's what happened So the comic is a comic and the guy is I guess fairly well known in Spain It says he is a musician and a right-wing activist So I don't think it's like is no no no no no the swing So I don't that makes him like the Toby Keith of like he's not a politician But he's known for being outspoken on conservative stuff Okay So the guy who took the swing him and his partner recently had a baby and he posted a picture of the three month old and captioned it pride and joy That comedian saw it and replied Nothing and no one can prevent the possibility that he is gay and when he grows up he will get tired of sucking black That's not doing stand up and being offensive that's you you bash him on social media and he came to beat you up for it So they didn't get punched because of the joke on stage no no no so he replied the guy who throws the punch replied online I assure you that you are going to apologize for what you said about my three-month old son You will discover real life is not Twitter and then shows up Like that a lot that's a little different.
That's different than like the shit with Chris But it's also I don't want to when you're as big as that guy and the guy that's the comic can't defend himself Like I don't know man. I don't I don't fight people that have no chance against me If that guy said that about my kid first of all come on dude like I don't care It's like people have said on social media stuff to me with that is just as bad as that if not worse and I've never Thought about well, okay, okay. I'm gonna lie. Yeah, I thought about it Yeah, I've never got in my car or said something backwards like oh, I know where your next show is and we'll see about that That's somebody that has his own problems.
Sorry, but that's you can't fight the internet You shouldn't respond to comments. Yeah, right? I've done it in the past and be like send daddy or pull up You know cuz you know where I'm gonna be performing that you can't you just gotta let it go You just like you can't make everybody like him people are gonna hate you. That's really to let it go is That's a salt and it's on video it is because I'm thinking that guy I hit you some video He calls the cops.
I gotta go to court or I could have gone dude. My son is three months old I'm pretty sure you don't know what cocky's gonna suck. Yeah, I think I'm just gonna let it go like who fucking cares cuz I don't It's not it's not enough dude. It ain't it's not enough But saying I like it for the social justice aspect that like dude one day I learn real quick and comedy stuff And you know, there's a lot of great comics and writers actually but like these kids are there for your kids and they don't really know how the real world works and I Don't feel like there's any rock stars left anymore.
There's not any real motherfucking people and just like what are we doing like I like that gets my dick hard not gonna say I would have done that but I like that Hey, motherfucker if you want to say why we're in the crowd cool But you're gonna go on social media and comment on my kids three month old photo and I'll be like come on man Like there you know if you're crowd working me and fucking with me in the crowd. Okay, that's part of comedy show Well, you do that's kind of step in the line like I like that kind of like that Your mouth history months. Oh, we don't even know what kind of dick you know, you know, yeah Okay, well look so we know more we know what can happen he could be charged you could go to jail I don't know what will happen if you were the judge and this comes to you I say both you guys get the fuck out of here I mean cuz no, I'm putting it but you know I mean coward in the corner and put his foot up like Yeah, I say he's trying to kick a t-th evens. I can ask you a question It's weird, but you don't have any deodorant I can put on cuz I can smell myself I own a deodorant company.
Well, perfect. So yes strong enough for a man made for a woman You know don't know it is it goes up both armpits really just like me. Well, you still anyway This is not a setup you actually just apropos nothing is why cats fucking let me so much cuz I smell it's a flirty Standby the cats tongues like Sam Piggly shit in the world. It's not a clean empty.
Yeah, yeah Yeah, holy my hands well, I was asleep really woke up and I had a big dirty hole on my hand I was like am I do I have stigmata and I figured it out no he ate my flesh while I was a Sigmar never know stigmata's when the devil gets inside you and makes the afflictions like Jesus Christ people believe that's metal All right, I'm gonna metal. Did you know that girls taste like metal? Yeah? Yeah, especially on your pH That's your though.
I was talking about period blood. Oh, no, I didn't yeah, and did you know that breast milk also tastes like metal? Now I actually funny say that in Nebraska the other day a meet and greet woman came in with a sling Yeah, and and she brought me a Yeti cup full of breast milk Did you drink it? Yeah, it's a big light did it taste metal now I actually when I was bodybuilding shit back when I was in whole photo There was a woman down the street I was praying it and I would buy her breast milk off her Yeah, there's a black market for that.
It's got a fuck ton of nutrients. What is this? What's a human? Yeah, super natural Animals so that's why there's the rabbit with the horns probably fucking love it, but it works, too That's a Val Kilmer Timstone.
Yeah, it's my favorite role of any Works every time a hue, but when you smell like a bag of dicks Yeah, my brother's got wider of ten to one big big on the western shit group fucking breaking horses and fighting chickens Keep right horses good. Yeah, I mean you horse wheelies. I can't do horse wheelies. I can come on I've done several wheelies on a horse and ask me if I'm a good horse rider.