Uncovering Hidden Abuse | An Interview with Kimberly Day

Kimberly Day graduated from BYU with a Bachelors in Psychology, served a mission to Temple Square in Salt Lake City, and then went back to school to earn a Masters Degree from Washington State University in Counseling Psychology, where she also taught seminary and then Institute. She worked in higher education and later at a financial planning firm, but eventually felt the call to come back to her love for counseling and working with people through life’s challenges. Kimberly's focus is working with individuals suffering from betrayal trauma or other types of complex relationship traumas, and she is trained in the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists' Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model (M-PTM). She lives in Olympia, Washington with her husband and four kids. Highlights 5:30 Kim's experience counseling around and studying abuse and healthy/unhealthy patterns of behavior 8:00 The word "abuse" 9:30 Catching negative patterns and recognizing their impact 10:30 Three ways to define abuse: the impact on the victim, the actual interaction in a relationship, or the intent * Can be damaging even without intent * Gaslighting * 15:30 A shift in power and control in the relationship * 18:30 Honoring the impact of what the victim is experiencing even when the intent is not to abuse 24:20 The subtle messages that perpetuate trauma, create isolation, and threaten her safety 25:50 The myth that the spouse needs to step up to meet his needs 27:50 When there is an intent for power and control 29:00 Men are receiving an education in dehumanizing women and it becomes a belief about how the world works * Book of Mormon example of the conflict between Laman & Lemuel and Nephi: abusive behaviors from a sense of entitlement to power and control, perpetuated across generations * A trick Satan has been using for a long time * The spectrum of unrighteous dominion * This model of power and control applies across a range of relationships and situations 39:00 Reprogramming of the brain * Teach them to be aligned to God and if they are tuned-in, He will correct them * 45:50 Recognize that the learning remains and continues to cause problems in relationships 50:00 The lens of impact on women * Women don't recognize the impact and don't use/accept the word abuse in these dynamics * Most couples don't have the language to address it * Setting boundaries can lead to retaliation 56:50 Next steps to learn more * Abuse is seldom apparent to other men * Know your local resources (outside the Church) 59:20 Be willing to be open and address puzzling situations without needing to have answers Links Life Changing Services Church Handbook section about abuse (28.6.2) Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft What Every Bishop Needs to Understand About Betrayal Trauma Have We Forgotten the Betrayed When the Sinner Confesses?