Unofficial Sauna Rules at Your Local Gym

1. Proper attire is strictly prohibited. 2. Shirts, socks, and shoes are required—though we invite patrons over 65 to enjoy the sauna fully naked, as Joe Gold of Gold’s Gym originally intended. 3. Please do not shower beforehand. Likewise, any cologne, deodorant, or body spray must be applied inside the steam room. 4. We ask that you use the facilities either completely alone or with your ten closest friends. There is no in-between. 5. Conversation should be kept to a maximum at all times. As a reminder, anyone asking “hot enough for ya?” is not inquiring about your comfort—they are posing a challenge. To refuse is to renounce your masculinity. Immediately respond with a negatory grunt, raised eyebrow, or “pshh, nah,” then crank the heat. 6. Additionally, all in-sauna discussions must pertain to crypto, politics, or religion. If you insist on venturing outside sanctioned topics, we insist that conversation be held in a foreign language.7. Please take personal calls in the steam room, remembering to disrupt others by gesticulating wildly, with no regard for any appendages poking out of your threadbare, suspiciously stained towel. 8. To generate more steam, simply douse the lukewarm rocks with your energy drink, protein shake, or spew your water bottle all over the heater like a drunk preacher performing a baptism. 9. The sauna’s thermal stones may also be used to dry your swimsuit, air out your yellowing undershirt, or steam your post-workout sardines. 10. If the thermometer stops functioning, you’re welcome to tap, knock, shake, and slam the device until you lose interest. For added peace of mind, the Fahrenheit reading is entirely inaccurate anyway. 11. If temperature vacillates from uncomfortable to life-threatening, just leave the door wide open. Even better, assist your fellow patrons by whipping in some fresh air from the locker room—using your crusty towel as a windmill. 12. Please do not rise from your seat or adjust your position without a hearty groan, disgruntled exclamation, or guttural “ahhhhh.” 13. We encourage you to bring your own food or drink. Feel free to leave crumbs, wrappers, and full entrées. Polite sipping is expressly forbidden, and any remaining liquid should be squirted on your face like you’re Novak Djokovic at the US Open. 14. Books, tablets, and damp editions of Juggs are all appropriate reading material in the public sauna. Do not hesitate to loudly guffaw, knee-slap, and give the guy next to you a peek at relevant centerfolds. 15. When you finally leave, simply nod—do not speak—to each human steamed bun, showing due respect to your bench-mates and the facility. Because you’ll be back. And like a sweaty ass-print seeped into cedar, the sauna remembers. The sauna always remembers. Subscribe for weekly brain-blasts 🧠🧨 Get full access to SOS: Satire or Something at danhass.substack.com/subscribe