Use Me Up

Motherhood has helped me peek into my deepest and darkest corners.It has asked me to get down on my knees and then go down further, laying fully flat to the ground, listening, still.Some days all I can do to stay in my body is to repeat beloved Buddhist teacher, Tich Naht Hahn’s, “Breathing in. I am aware of my in breath. Breathing out. I am aware of my out breath,” over and over again as I breathe.Most days I end up on my face, wondering how I could feel this incredibly full and also this incredibly used up, at the same time.I have been in a stretch of grieving my old self again. These come in waves, I’ve found.I see other people out there building their businesses, making money, spreading their words and teachings, having time and freedom to do whatever they please, watching TV, relaxing around the dinner table, and SLEEPING, dear God, sleeping, whenever and however long they wish to.And I remember when I had those things and I lament my lack of obvious freedom.But there has never been a responsibility I have gained throughout the unfolding of adult-life, that didn’t also build my capacity for having. And the Truth is I have always yearned so deeply to be well used.Something I used to pray multiple times a day is, “Please use me.” This was a plea with Universe to move through me. To make my life a life of service.When this tiny blip of time that I call my human life is over I want to have felt sure that I lived my life out to the furthest edges.That is the thing that keeps me seeking and keeps me on the ground. This desire to know what it means to experience myself as separate but still be connected the whole at the same time. To see what is like on the other side of my fears. To lean in to the places I would rather avoid. To have a messy human life so that I may experience the full range of humanness. One of my favorite quotes from Hunter S. Thompson is: “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather skid in broadside, in a cloud of smoke, throughly used up, throughly worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Wow! What a ride!” To be at a period in my life where there is no extra is such a gift. It is such an incredible place to titrate from when it comes to service.If I can slow down long enough to hold the wild dog of my mind at bay I can feel how this is exactly the life I have chosen. This is exactly what I have always been yearning for. Through motherhood, my prayer of “please use me” has been answered in the most meaningful way I could have imagined. So I might as well enjoy every exhausting moment of it. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe